What is it about some memories that makes them harder to forget than others? So, I fell for a guy about a year back. So, it didn't work out. What is it about the whole episode that keeps coming back to me? The fact that a year back I thought we/I had it all? That we were these two amazingly perfect people who had everything going for them? And that, at the time I couldn't for the life of me figure out why we didn't work out?

It's been months since then. I know I've moved on, and so has he. I feel nothing now, when I think of him. Ok, so that's a lie :) I do still feel bad, let down and sometimes sad for no real reason. But I am convinced that it would have anyway never lasted for too long. So then why do snippets of that time come back to me, and make me wonder...

It doesn't help that suddenly I find myself without too much workload :p I guess I've used that as a shield for all these months. I'm glad for it though.

But tonight, I feel like I did when he left. Like I'm all alone, with no one to talk. Like my heart's breaking, all over again. I wish I were home, with my ma. I wish I were anywhere but here.

Bas yun hi....

I feel like I haven't written for quite some time. I don't have anything specific to write about. My life seems to revolve around homework assignments, midterms, cups of chai, realising the cold isn't all that bad, leaving the library on the rare sunny days and throwing in a bit of music or movies when I can. And praying. I find myself reaching out for the prayer book at times. And it does calm me. Just like walking around this campus. Thank goodness for the trees, lakes, blue skies, birds and squirrels. It nourishes my soul like nothing else can. This past weekend was probably the most relaxed it's ever been here. We had no homework, no midterms to study for. Initially it felt unreal and liberating. After a day though, I wanted it back - the busy pace, with so many things to do that my time was filled with work from morning to evening, so I didn't really have to think of what to do with my time. I wonder if that's a good thing ....?

I just realised how time flies by. It's mid-november already. In about a month, I'll be home. I somehow can't believe it. I do so badly want to see ma & papa again. But I also know I've changed. Not a lot, not fundamentally. But in some ways, I can feel it. And it's going to be interesting, this first visit back home :D

Guppy might visit me next weekend. RG is going to be here around thanksgiving. It should be good fun, to have some family around. Although I'm beginning to wonder just what constitutes family. My friends here, they make up an analogous set of people for me now. I know I'll miss them as much as I miss people from dilli once I'm home. Isn't that strange? It's like you make a family for yourself wherever you go. Which is comforting.

There are some other things I want to write about, but I can't bring myself to :p I'm still trying to understand them myself.

Alot of people had told me that upstate NY 'is beautiful during the fall'. I would just look at them and say ok, if you say so. For me, fall has been about green trees turning yellow-brown and crunching on fallen neem and peepal leaves. It has also been a fairly brief period of time for most of the years. I used to look forward to it back home, also because it marked the onset of winter and a whole load of festivals!

Here though, fall takes on a whole new meaning. It's bright and it's incredible. It's teasing and tormenting, beautiful and quirky at the same time. For a month now we've been watching as the leaves subtly change shades. Wishing the process would speed up. But it takes it's own sweet time in showing all it's colours. Gradually the air has begun to cool down and the sunshine seems so much more precious all of a sudden. The green grass is covered by a carpet of reds, browns and yellows. I have never seen trees that are bright red, stark orange or just beautiful golden yellow. On days when the sky is a clear blue and the sun is shining, there's something in the air that makes you want to go for a walk around campus, with squirrels, a hawk and a friend. And sit by the statue of White/Ezra in the arts quad. Or gaze at the lake from one of the windows in the 'harry potter library'. Or crinkle up your nose at the smell of rotting leaves after it rains.

Fall is like a spectacular farewell before winter sets in. It makes me realize how much beauty there can be in an end. It's like a little piece of heaven on earth. And I'm thankful I can experience it.

More Grad speak

After the concert at Buffalo. At the dinner table -

Friendly neighbour#1 - "oh look, my fork and knife have a magnetic field"

Vid - "Did you comb your hair with the fork?!"

.......

My mentor, El, speaking about her eye test -

"...I had a two hour eye test today"

Friendly neighbour#3 - "why what's wrong with your eyes?"

El - " What's wrong with them...." ..."I'm blind!" "So my doctor said that well, your this eye is blind ....and the other eye is ....double blind!" "So my number keeps increasing ...and I'm like yo dude, what's up with you?!"

.......

At the start of my TA class -

Nate - "All those who are in 1210, take the seats to the right or center"

Random student#1 - "1210? What's that?"

Randome student#2 - "Am I in 1210? How do I know if I'm in 1210?!"

Nate - "Well if you're usually in this room on this day at this time every week, then you're in it"!

It's midnight. I've just finished cleaning the kitchen. And our bathroom. The Counting Crows are singing 'Holiday in Spain' and I sing along when they reach the line '...drive this little girl insane'. We got back from Buffalo last evening. It was alot of fun. Well, the company was good, and hence everything else felt just fine. We saw perfect blue skies, sparkling lakes, upstate NY at it's prettiest in this season and lots of sunshine. Why is it that we never tire of being amazed by the colours of the fall? It was nice to be sitting in a car in this part of the world :p and we did have a fantastic driver, couldn't have had anyone better than friendly neighbour#3. There were lots of laughs along the way, you know the kinds that inevitably come up on road trips. Niagara falls a second time round weren't all that bad either! But for me, the best was when we sat down besides lake seneca. After a whole day of sitting on the middle seat of the car, being able to just sit down on the ground felt amazing. It was picture perfect. I didn't want to leave. I especially didn't want to come back to the thought of homework and upcoming midterms. Couldn't escape it for much longer though, once we got back. Today's been a strange day though. Had a broken sleep last night even though I was exhausted. The rest of the day just went by, I don't even know how. But well, tomorrow will be better :)

So, the thing about fall. It's more than just the palette of colours. It's like this feeling of hope, of just going on, even as the leaves fall. Or something like that. Not quite able to express myself right now. BUT i miss delhi in october. Like mad.

Friendly neighbour#1 - ".... what do you call that group? the least....?"

His friend - "..common denominator?!"

.........

"Come out on to the porch. It's where the cool kids are!"

......

Friendly neighbour#3 - "...I have Omkara. You should watch it if you haven't"

Friendly neighbour#1 - "ohhhhhh.... :) ....shiiit :( !!"

........

Email from friendly neighbour#2 just before he left for home from the department on a crazy rainy day - "kutti kameeni baarish!"

.......

Phone call from friendly neighbour#2 the night after lord buddha showed his sadistic side during Wednesday's quiz - "I just called to say that D.J. is a kutta kameena saalaa haraami"!!!!

......

Friendly neighbour#3 - "I'm telling you, if india & pakistan hadn't separated, we would have had the strongest batting line up...."

Friendly neighbour#4 - ".....and the best bowling line up too!"

Friendly neighbour#3 - "Damn Jinnah......" "....and Nehru" :p

Not that my blogs impact the universe in any significant way, but it's nice to be back here. I'm beginning to fall even more in love with this place. We've had some cold rainy days and then it becomes grey, gloomy and miserable. But when the sun shines, and the wind blows, and there's just a trace of clouds in the blue sky, that's when it makes you just stand still for a moment, forgetting about all the homework and grading, and just soaking that moment. It does something to me, to my heart. I feel happy, content, and at peace. And truly blessed to be able to experience that one moment, no matter how shortlived it is.

So I got to visit Niagara Falls. Saw half a dozen rainbows, got drenched, and felt the spray on my face till I couldn't see a thing! It was exhilarating. I was extra grateful for it since I had fought with one of the roomies just the day before. I know it had to happen, but it was unpleasant all the same. Anyhow came home refreshed, with a few starfish.

One of my favourite things here is the cinema programme they have. I wish I could make more time for the movies they screen. However one really interesting piece was called 'Gravity was Everywhere back then' - creative in a quirky sort of way, the kinds that you couldn't not like! I suppose you could sell anything which has the cello being played to me! What is it about that sound...doesn't it make you wonder? It makes me feel as if I'm standing on top of a hill, all aof one, and from somewhere far far away this sound is just drifting along with the breeze. I love the sound of cellos.

Attended a jazz orchestra by Maria Schneider. I don't know what it is with jazz and me. I do try, honestly, but I believe I'm a long way from developing a taste for it. It did however make me long to hear some indian music. Which, it turns out, is happening tomorrow. It has to be a sign from somewhere if SPCIMACAY is here too! How I miss the concerts and plays back in delhi... and how many I attended! All through DU, JNU and @iit ....and the ones at nehru park. Where they would spread mattresses, and people would take off their shoes and just sit ...while the sun was setting, and till the stars filled the sky ...and just listen to music that could transport you to a different place all together.

I received a rose plant in the mail! All the way from singapore :) It has four yellow roses, and one rosebud. It's supposed to remind me of sunshine once we get in the winter months. Awww :)

Salsa classes are alot of fun! And a big stressbuster right in the middle of the week. The gym's good too. I'm talking to ma & papa everyday. It's been the subject of some amusing conversations here :p But I'm not complaining. I think I need it as much as they do.

I finally, at last, met up with someone who I should have met a long long time back! And it was good to see him, after all these years of emails & facebook. Hopefully we'll see more of each other from now on.

A brief note on some of the people I'm surrounded with these days :)

There's T ...without who I don't know what I would have done! Seriously! I thank god for sending him here. And for his butter-chicken skills. Everything else, I cook better :p T is also the one who keeps reminding me I should study since 'Andrew baba must be studying'! It's a joke between us, one that's probably gone too far but we're still holding on to it! Andrew's from DC and he's one of the nicer dancers in the salsa class. I'll just refer to him as A-baba from now on. He also usually has this harried expression on his face through every class, and everytime I meet him in a corridor/library, but I guess it's because he 'works hard....and works fast'! Which is something our DGS says. He does have a name but I like to call him Lord Buddha. We have his classes at 8am, twice a week. He takes a weekly quiz and I wonder every week how he sleeps at night knowing what he's putting us through! I like to refer to him as the Buddha though, since he gives me this impression that I can, with alot of hard work and fast work, get by in his course. Our other professor is the old man, and since right now I'm struggling to finish his homework, I have nothing nice to say about him. Our microecon prof is very cute but pretty bad at teaching.... so... Anyway, that apart, there's Chris in our study group. One of the sweetest people around, and he's a genius when it comes to the old man's course :) There's also Nathan, who TAs for the same course as me. He also like to play badminton and is very good with the drop shots (I hate that!). And every monday evening, when we're utterly exhausted, he walks into the auditorium at 7pm, gives me a big grin and says 'how's it going?' :) There's Ulrik. He's danish and is T's roomie, and far nicer than T :p and he makes the most amazing lasagne ever. He too enjoyes badminton. Then there's my friendly neighbour Arnold, who sometimes makes the most tangential of remarks and I know if I ever need to laugh I just need to talk to him! He also bravely brings up the men vs. women debates :D And last, but not the least, there's Adrian - the one who can make every single movie seem like it's our life here at CU. And the one who likes to salsa, travel and cooks amazing food, and just got a brand new big TV Screen so you know where we're going to be watching movies from now on! Oh and he has access to a car!

So, Arnold, T, Adrian are going to be friendly neighbour # 1, 2 and 3 respectively (in order of how far their apt is from mine!).

There are girls in my program. However I don't think I've spoken to any of them to an extent that I could write something about them here! Which is slightly strange isn't it.... all I've written about is guys and how well most of them cook! Oh well.... it's the truth :p

Sometimes I do think of the lambu. Inspite of all my assignments, cooking, grocery shopping, movies/music, sometimes I do wonder what it might have been like, had we worked things out. But I also know this is a good place to come to with a broken heart. It gives you that space and let's you take your time. Fall is just around the corner. The trees have begun turning yellow/pink/red/orange ...and I can't describe how lovely it already looks. The way the leaves just drif off the branches and you see them littered on the pavements. It's just beautiful. When I walk to the gym from behind our library, I cross the lake. And when the leaves of those trees rustle, it reminds me of the enchanted wood that enid blyton wrote about years and years ago. It really is as if they're speaking out to you. And a squirrel scampers along the way, and everything seems right with the world.

There's alot to be done here. This past week I felt like 24 hours in a day are just not enough. Something tells me that feeling is a good thing :) For now, I should get back to some more homework. Goodnight bloggie!

Spent the last weekend in NYC. I don't know what it is about that city, but it makes me feel alive. I love the crowds, the traffic, the cabs and concrete! It did involve missing a day of classes but something made me feel it's something i needed to do. Pampered the self by travelling in style :p I could walk in nyc all day, for days together, and not get tired. And if I had the money, I could shop that much too :) Guppy's all set to start his undergrad there. He seemed awed and anxious. Reminded me of when RG & I had joined the hostel. Spoke to him about it though. I don't think anything would have helped him feel better, but still, sometimes it's nice to just hear things. I guess. I saw statues, museums, parks and ofcourse did a fair bit of shopping. I can't wait to go back.

We also went to the ashram at Walden. That too seems to hold a different significance now that I'm away from home. Isn't it strange how you try to hold on to things you otherwise wouldn't? I suppose that's when you realise the true meaning of such things.

The weather in Ith has been beautiful. It's gotten a little chilly but the breeze is wonderful. Watched Forrest Gump with the neighbour. Was reminded of the times Ma & I would watch it together. And as always that movie spoke volumes to me. Have also been initiated in Salsa classes on campus. I realised just how much I missed dancing! I love how it just takes me to this whole other plane, and I can just forget about classes/assignments/etc.

Speaking of classes, they're pretty good :) I'm not entirely blank. Just wish the micro prof was better. He's cute though. But well, that's not going to help us is it? :p

Our study group is a completely different matter! Lol! More on that some other time.

There are way too many important birthdays in the month of September. Looks like this weekend is going to be all about calling up Laavan, AB and some others. Oh and apparently Div's wedding date has been decided upon.... we need to talk :)

I was a mess today morning. I just kept crying the whole time. Then I pushed myself to go out to the mall here. It was nice. Well, we got a whole load of freebies, including some very essential ones :D :D

Came back and I just broke down again. I couldn't help myself.

I then had to decide whether or not to go for this dept picnic we were having today. Spoke to a few people, who apparently had decided not to go. I almost didn't go. But something told me it would be better than sitting in my room and becoming even more miserable. So I went. And it was really nice. It was at a prof's place. Which was in the middle of nowhere. You could see the cayuga lake in the distance, and friendly green trees, and people, all around. And tons of food. I found myself laughing, genuinely, for the first time in a few days. Met alot of new people, had conversations with a few I'd met before. It was nice.

Some of us then got a ride back to campus to go for a get-together for new indian students. That was nice too! To meet your own kind and praise/crib/b**** about anything and everything, was nice. There was food and drinks. And punjabi and hindi music. Which I heard after more than a month. So I found myself singing along, and dancing to songs which I would have otherwise hated.

I realised that such days will come again. I know they will. But I know now that it's upto me, to let them get to me. Or to try to get out of it. It's not easy. But I guess like everything else, that's what makes it worth it.

Another week in Ith ends. It began with orientations and has ended with a glimpse of academics as they are to be for the next many semesters. Never in my life have I entered, and studied, in a library from day 2! Never. It helps though, that the libraries here are so nice that you almost don't feel leaving. That is, until you've had too much of a desktop and/or struggled too much with the homework. Even then, they're nice.

I've seen a movie - Some like it hot. Also went for another one but the undergrads beat us to it! Watched one at Mpwd tonight - Prince Caspian (chronicles of narnia). I went it, expecting nothing from it. I hadn't seen the first one. I realised though, after a long time, how almost all such stories have similar morals. I vaguely remember reading it as a child and it's queer how some, just very few things from the book came back to me as I watched the movie. There's this song in the end though, which just put me to tears.

Anyway, before I launch into that, here's the rest of the update. I've bought myself a huge big umbrella. Too bad even a drop hasn't poured since then! I walked around the B'lake today. It's a beautiful trail. Very calm and serene. Almost too calm, I got a bit scared to be honest. Then I went to the gym :) Finally. And I enjoyed it, building up a sweat after so long. Hopefully I can manage more of it. Oh, also the CC movie pass has been obtained. So have tickets to a few of the CCS events. And I'eve begun the homework. So far, so good.

So, about the song. Well, if you write (and sing) something like - (The call. Regina Spektor)

It started out as a feeling,

which then grew into a hope.

Which then turned into a quiet thought,

which then turned into a quiet word....

I'm bound to break down. I mean, c'mon, it's freaky how I end up listening to such songs. Is it just me?! And I don't even know why I reached my room in tears. Home? The lambu? Missing friends? What??!

This week's been difficult, in terms of the nostalgia. Infact the library's been the only place where I haven't felt it. Part of it is explainable, but mostly it's just like I know I'm torturing myself but I just don't know how to get past it. To be honest, it's not so much about home. I'm speaking to ma and pa almost daily. It's the one on the other coast. Every day I'm reminded of him. In so many little ways. Wherever I go on campus, something I hear or see around me invariably makes me long for him. For him to be here, for us to be something. I know I shouldn't. But I don't know what else to do.

Brooding on a weekend

Woke up to a rainy sunday morning. Chatted with parents while still in bed. The comforts of technology. I like weekends. I can speak to them without thinking of a zillion other things at the same time. Then I snuggled back into bed. I could hear the rain pouring outside my window. And through the blinds I could see how green everything was.

It's been a month since I left home and I am feeling nostalgic today. I'm missing my home, my parents, my friends, my city. I tried to distract myself by doing some dishes. But there weren't too many of those either. I've now moved from my room to our living room. The main door is open, so I can see dried leaves falling off from the trees, from time to time. The rain slows down at times, and then picks up again. I can see the light on in T's room two apartments' away.

Went to the 'dump n run' sale yesterday. It's where outgoing students leave behind all the stuff they don't need and the university, after sifting through it during the summer, sells it to the incoming class at dirt-cheap prices. And If you're really lucky, you can get really nice stuff! Which I did :D :D They sell everything from clothes, shoes, bedding, tableware, electronics etc.

We then had an orientation for incoming international grad students. Which was ok. We're getting better at picking up freebies :p Getting over the hesitation/shyness/wondering-what-others'-will-think :p So you can imagine how many apples each of us stowed away in our bags to bring home for the coming week. Or actually, I don't think you can imagine :D

So yes, I'm in the living room, listening to The Beatles. Snuggled in this lovely pink blanket I picked up yesterday. A quirrel almost entered our house and startled me more than I probably spooked it! I can see a deer standing still in the greens right behind our apartment. Sometimes I can't quite believe how quaint this place is! But today, inspite of it all, I'm missing home.

2 weeks old

Alright, so here's how it's been for the past two weeks.

Ith is, simply put, just beautiful. At this time of the year there's alot of sunshine, cool winds and the occasional rains. My apartment at Mpwd is a cosy place and the room isn't half as bad as the reviews on the internet. Plus I can see deer, rabbits, squirrels, cats, birds all around the place :)

The TA program turned out to be not so bad too! Met a whole bunch of people - Brazil, Chile, Iceland, Greece, China, S.Korea, French Canada etc. It was really nice since all of us were new to campus, all of us are international students - so similar concerns and experiences. Also realised that some of them are my neighbours :)

I figured out my dislike for cafeteria food here quite early on. Have moved from simple sandwiches to really yumm wraps for lunch. It's something I'm quite proud of :p Ofcourse I did cut my thumb today morning while trying to show off my cooking skills to mom through the webcam. So much for trying :p

We had our department orientation today. Honestly, it was scary. Like, it was overwhelming just how much work it actually is going to be. Also since I haven't interacted that much with people from my program, I don't feel exactly comfortable there right now. I keep telling myself how I've only known these people for like 2 days, and just like the TA group I guess eventually I will make friends here too. But that time period, till it happens, just seems so long. Sometimes I wish instead of all the baggage etc, I could have brought just one friend with me from home.

Right, so up until next weekend we have a whole lot of orientation/welcome events happening on campus. And I am going to try and see atleast one new part of campus every week :p I know there's a museum, an observatory, some plantations, chimes in the clock tower.... atleast. Oh and the fitness centres for sure! Although I don't think you need them, what with all the slopes on campus which you just cannot avoid. But it's also funny how easily you get used to them.

The CU campus is kind of a surprise really. It's not like a homogenous set of buildings and that took me some time to get used to. But it does have a charm of it's own. There are certain parts of campus which have those really old buildings, the ones that look like they've been standing since forever. And then you have all this modern construction happening as well. The Beebe lake is adorable, and the waterfall/gorge is just beautiful.

I'm getting used to doing the groceries, figuring out what to buy and how much. And the laundry. Which today was very frustrating since the clothes came out half-dry from the dryer. I cursed the world for the 1.45hrs I spent waiting for it when I was so dead tired.

I've been to the most popular bar for grad students here. Twice. Others go there every second day. I really can't understand why. I've been to Buttermilk falls, and Lake Treman - that was a nice day, spent it hiking from morning to evening. I've been to several grocery stores except the biggest one here - it's too far from home :p I've been to one of the malls and soon I need to go shopping for clothes :) Just waiting for the first paycheck :D :D

I'm not missing home all that much. I suppose I just haven't had the time to. But ya, on weekends, especially sundays, I do think of home. And I do miss it. More than just a little bit. But I also know that this time, this opportunity is totally worth it. So I guess it's ok.

Two hours and I'll leave for the airport. Feeling funny. Weird actually. Well, a little scared to be honest. And alone too. I know I'll be fine but I just want to get to that point where I will know it for sure. Another day before I check in at Mpwd.

Still thinking about I'm-sure-you-can-guess-what/who.

So I fly out of this nice, green, sunny city tomorrow. And finally get to unpack my bags by saturday night. I am looking forward to it. My apartment, my room, my new laptop! And the campus and place and classes :)

I also feel a little scared though. But I guess that's ok. Leaving this house cannot be worse than leaving delhi, for sure. I also know that from time to time I will think of the lambu. But honestly I'm trying my best to deal with that. Ith should be a good place though, for a new beginning, in more ways than one.

It's finally happening :)

I got through today without breaking down. I am seriously proud of myself. I did begin to think about stuff for a bit in the afternoon but thankfully my uncle dragged me to my cousins' viola class and then a car wash.
In the evening UD, Ash & I went for a walk. On the bridge. Where we had walked. And talked. And he had pulled me back and put his arms around me. Several times. Walking on the bridge today however I was ok. I did remember it, but there was no meltdown and no tears. Just the memories.

The bus to Ith has been booked. My laptop should reach there by the time I get there. I'm looking forward to it. Not much else to do anyway.

So after my last post, I ate some food and watched TV with UD for a few hours. Then my uncle came back. And asked me 'so what's happening?' and just like that my eyes welled up with tears. I couldn't understand it! He then went on to talk to me about all the things I should look forward to, and how CU is probably going to change me as a person and change my priorities too. He said it's important to take risks, take the rejection in your stride and still look ahead with a positive attitude. He also said economists make more money than the techies :p That really got a laugh out of me!

He then pushed me out of the house with UD. Now the thing is, younger brothers' are typically always bratty. But when you really need someone to comfort you, they are the best people in the world to talk to. So he drove the car slowly and I gradually found myself talking about this for the first time. Not blogging or something, but real talking. I still couldn't bad mouth the lambu and I think it's just as well. Atleast I did all I could think of to maybe give this a try. And as I spoke and sniffed, I realised it would be ok. He said some really sweet things to me though :) 18yr olds today are apparently well versed in the game of love! We then walked around for a bit, had dinner at the cheesecake factory (which I fell in love with immediately) and drove back home. RG called too, while we were there. And he too just ...got me, you know. He didn't ask me for explanations or questions, just that would I be ok. And when I said I would, he said that's good, but don't be too hard on yourself, it's only been a day.

Today evening helped me more than a bunch of girl friends would have. Just knowing how my family is there for me, giving me the time and space to turn to them, is a comforting feeling. UD made me promise him I wouldn't cry tonight. I think I can keep that promise :)

All right. So UD left me alone for lunch. He said it would help me if I got out of home but he wouldn't force me to. Which I was so thankful for. He then came, sat down beside me and just ... sat. He said we're all here for you, you can talk to any of us whenever you want to. It was just so sweet of him. Honestly, the way family steps in for you surprises me every single time.

I then chatted with a few friends online. Well mainly one. Who I've never even met. And just getting it out of my system was such a relief. I told her how I just don't feel any animosity towards this guy, no matter how much I try. How I just don't want him to feel bad about this. And how thinking about the past weekend makes me smile with fondness. Most importantly though, that he's still my friend. Of course I know I'll wonder about the 'us' for a long time to come. And I'll wonder if I can feel this way again for anyone. But I'll be fine.

I woke up today morning. Minus the headache and tears. I thought I would be ok. Then I spoke to my dad. He asked me how the weekend was, what all we did. I know he was trying, in his own way, to make me feel better, but it didn't help. I was back in a pool of tears.

Then we began watching Parenthood which is this adorable programme on TV. And so this one guy gives a slip of paper to this girl. She opens it and it says 'Will you go out with me?' Then is has three options below - yes, no, maybe. That one scene reminded me of him. again.

I now have to take a bath. My aunt told my cousins to take me out for lunch. I can't believe how sweet they all are being about this. But I don't want to go. I look at my clothes and remember how I spent hours agonising about what to wear when he was around. The footbridge behind their house will remind me of how he held me, right in the middle of it and teased me about wanting him dead. And then how we walked to the other side, sat down and talked. Or tried to.

It hurts so much. I wish I could just erase some of those memories. But then again, some of them do make me smile. I know he didn't do any of this intentionally. But it hurts more than what his hugs, calls and emails can fix right now. I'm glad we'll be friends. I know what it's like to go down this road and lose a friend in the process. But right now... I just wish he was here.

(couldn't) save tonight

I knew this day would come. I just wish it had happened a month back. Rather, I wish I had accepted it earlier. The lambu was here for the weekend. It was beautiful :) Till we sat down to talk business ....turns out we're just going to have to be ok with being friends. I had imagined this conversation a few hundred times in my head. But when it came down to it, I couldn't say a word to him. I wanted to scream, curse, hit him, question him, try to convince him that maybe we wouldn't end up being in as big a soup as he thinks we will. But I just couldn't get the words out. I couldn't. And I couldn't hold back my tears. I swear I tried, like crazy. But I just couldn't.

I felt really alone at that moment. All I wanted was to be back home with my parents. No one else. And I was reminded of that moment at the airport when I had said goodbye to them. I don't know what hurt more.

I came home here and mausi sat down with me. 'What is it about him that makes you feel he is the one?' she asked me. I just smiled and shrugged. How am I supposed to answer that question? That I break into a smile everytime I see him? That everything feels right when I'm with him? I feel safe when he holds my hand, and warm when he hugs me? That I trust him no matter what? That he's always in my thoughts & prayers? How he looks out for me? Or how he does these small small things when I least expect them and how I can't even begin to describe how awesomely special it makes me feel? I don't know what it is about him that makes me feel he is the right one. Maybe I'm wrong. Then again, maybe I'm not. I guess I'll never know.

Alrighty. So it's been a week for me here.
I still can't believe how people stick to their lanes on freeways instead of butting into yours! I still cannot get over the huge helpings of food you get everywhere here, and I believe I've tried alot of it - burritos, pizza, burger, fries, softdrinks - one helping could get me through an entire day! I also find it amusing how everyone uses a GPS navigator here, for going to any place at all. I almost miss the fun of frantically giving someone a call or rolling down the window to ask for directions. But then again, there aren't surplus people on the roads here. I haven't seen a single human being in my aunt's neighborhood the whole week. I suppose I, like everyone else, will get used to it little by little.

Spoke to AA. All's well in Chicago. Felt great though, hearing a familiar voice and that too one that's been around for years.

Anyyyhow now I'm looking forward to beginning life in Ith :) Can't wait to get there!

My nani is unwell. They found a tumor in her abdomen. She's going to undergo surgery today or tomorrow. I found it odd to hear about this on gtalk at an unearthly hour. I wish I were home. I know I probably wouldn't be of much use there but still.

There's a reason the people of this country are so obese. I've gone out to a few places to eat, over the past few days. And really, the size of the helpings leaves me speechless. And no, it's not funny, and it's nothing to be proud of. Seriously.
On the other hand, me being here a few weeks before univ begins is good in a way. I get to know some things atleast which I should take care of - the weight :p

So here I am. New country, new everything. The flight was so long and so tiring that by the time I landed at SF, all I wanted to do was sit on the baggage carousel and stretch my legs. UD & Ash were there, a bit late, but still there. And then we had to hunt for their car since they forgot which level they had parked at! Came home, gorged on hot indian food, and slept.

It's nice here. Much quieter. Much neater. Spoke to the parents and felt ok then. So I'm being 'taught' the americanisms :p It's elevator, not lift. Glasses, not specs. Thermos, not flask :p And I was made to watch Spongebob squarepants today morning! Lol! The milk comes in big cans. The mangoes come packed like eggs in a tray. The ketchup bottle is huuuge! Packages of breads are again double of what I'm used to. But well I'm glad I came a bit early. Get used to it n all that.

Out of nowhere though, I begin to think of home and my parents. And I'm back to the way I was at the airport, when I just can't hold back the tears. There's everything here, I am already aware of that. But still ... I miss home.

Adieu

Well, so this is it I guess. The bags are packed. And it's going to be a while before I'm back in the familiar. Packing was a pain. Stuffing a thousand aspects of my life into two bags. Not easy. I'll probably be leaving for the airport in another hour or so. Feels funny. Very tired, so I feel like my system's all jumbled up. I begin to look around the house, trying to memorise every inch of it. Then suddenly I'm reminded of some random, utterly incongruous thing that I forgot to pack. Out goes the memory-maker. I run from one room to another, trying to keep everything I can think of, everything's that's allowed, and everything that weighs as little as possible but means the world to me. Difficult to achieve balance on the last one.

But well ... This day's been a long time coming. I keep reminding myself how much I've waited for something like this to happen. I remember when I began blogging, my info section read 'hope to do a PhD someday' ...well this is the beginning then.

Just need to take deep breaths. And not break down infront of the parents.

World, bring it on.

They say ...

They say the breaking of glass is an auspicious sign - Well it did.

They say if you really wish for something, you get it - Duh...pretty obvious I'd say! Of course it includes things like surprise presents, all of which you needed/wanted!

They say it's a good omen if it rains before you do something that big/special. - It did.

I'm sure somewhere in the world they say it's harder to say goodbye the closer you get to it. Well even if they don't, I'm saying it now. It's so hard that it's difficult to not think about it. So hard that I can't be strong anymore.

It's my last night at home. I've had an insane few last days. And today was the last of many goodbyes (well there are two more happening tomorrow, but I'm too exhausted to do anything about that). I'm physically very tired. Mentally I'm pooped trying to pack my bags according to stupid AA baggage specifications. I swear I'm never flying with them again.

My cousins just left. My naani's sleeping in the same room as the one I'm sitting in right now. Thankfully the lights are turned off. I can't help but cry. Too bad I can't sniff though! She'd wake up in a second.

Oh by the way, my friend Reefknot has blogged for me. It can't get sweeter than that, can it?!

Tomorrow is going to be quite something. . How will I ever say goodbye?

:(

I don't want to leave. I just don't. Ever since yesterday, all my efforts to 'not think about it' have just gone down the drain. I wish time would slow down. So I could remember my favourite things, places, ways, smells, seasons and sounds. So I can go on gazing at my home for a time beyond the next 2-3 days. So I can hear ma and dad's voices for just a little bit longer. I didn't sleep last night. And looks like tonight's going to be similar. I've had a string of friends come visit me and I felt miserable knowing the next time I'd see them would be after ...well, ages. M, Prag, JS ... and AB has come over for the weekend. We spent the whole night talking about everything! Till we couldn't talk anymore.

But I don't want to go. And I want to just sit down and cry. And I want someone to put their arms around me and tell me it's going to be ok... that I'll be ok.

Old friends...

So today finally, M came over! And I did give her a tough time about it :p Prag came over too. Was good fun! We all chatted about jnu. About M's insane infamous nutty professor. And then about the lambu. Which was actually quite hilarious in some ways, since Prag and I think alike and M is a female version of the lambu. So half the time all I could say was "dude why don't you get it?!" :) But well she gave me a whole lot of gyaan, all of which was taken with a ton of salt!

Ofcourse today was yet another moment when M saw someone else bring something for me and was compelled to say "why must you people make me look so bad!" - awww :p

Tomorrow JS comes over, in the morning. AB lands in town tomorrow night and will be here for the weekend. S comes over on saturday.

I think it's almost nice that I'm meeting these people towards the end :) I only know how much I'll miss them.

I've been putting off writing this post for a long long time. Can't hold it in any longer I guess :(

The last few weeks have been simply exhausting. To the point where if someone mentions the words 'shopping' or 'lets meet sometime' I automatically say a 'no'. I have no energy left to think of a day, time and place that would be mutually convenient. Plus the heat wave acts as a natural deterrent.

I've said my goodbyes. To friends. Family. Family friends (and I realised they are more family than friends - something I didn't admit to earlier). I've eaten all my favourite foods everywhere I went. I've received some really nice presents too. I've been hugged and kissed a zillion times and been wished goodluck, do well, take care of yourself.

The thing is, this whole leaving-home process really makes you realise just how many people and places and things make up your life. I've been trying to squeeze mine into a few weeks and I still have a long list of people who I know I won't get to meet in time. That makes me sad.

I'm done with all the shopping and in a day or two the bags should be packed. I know once I reach there, all the new stuff I have will not matter. The clothes, shoes and whatnot will not be half as nice as all of my old stuff put together back home.

My parents are having a tough time too. The whole letting-go process. Mom's been way too hyper (emotionally and otherwise). Dad's barely saying anything these days. It's draining at times, to be able to talk to them while keeping everything light and funny and convincing them that they'll be ok. That I'll be ok.

Actually it's the grandparents also. hmm ... I find it amusing though, how my grandfather always gives me this one piece of warning - 'shikaayat nahin aani chahiye wahan se' (they shouldn't complain about you there) - I got to hear this when I was in school. Then when I joined college. Even when I began to work! And now again ... :)

But the truth is, I'm very scared too. I know I have people there for me, and a whole lot of other resources and that I will be crazy busy sooner than later. But I'm still scared. I don't want to leave. My family. Grandparents. Home. City. Country. I'm going to miss so many things about this random insane infuriating country! The noise. The neem trees. The monsoons. The festivals. The people, my people. The monuments. The travels. Actually alot more. I just can't seem to write it all down right now.

I'm realising that maybe Aerosmith's 'Dont wanna miss a thing' was written & sung for such moments ... damn them.

Omg! I just read my last two posts! What a turn of events huh?

You know how you have those moments when you feel really really low, and awfully alone? Do those moments seem so tough because you're alone? Or do you feel all the more lonely because of how difficult everything seems? I wonder which one it is...

You know how you suddenly have these moments of strength just when you thought everything has ended? Well I've just had mine. Ofcourse, I hope it will last beyond just tonight! But I know I will be ok. With the shift. With being alone. With having to make new friends. And TAing a class of 600! I guess it's true -

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

Why do I feel like eating a whole pizza right after gymming? It defeats the purpose doesn't it? And yet almost every day I have a craving for a pizza or momos or chowmein! My mouth starts watering just at the thought of it. But then I say a 'no' to myself. Firmly. And try to find happiness in a glass of cold chocolate milk. Is this a sign of becoming older? Or wiser? :p

I also, right now, have this urge to go and crash at my nani's house. But well that's not happening soon. Atleast not till my VI later this week.

And well, today I am missing you. Sort of. Like alot.

PoA

All right. So I have about a month left at home. Here's a list of things to do (or distract :p ) -

Meet the relatives. Especially grandparents.

Stay over at naani's.

Meet the friends.

Eat gol gappas at A2B.

Go to India Gate and eat ice-cream at night.

Go to CP, especially the emporia lane.

Go to north campus one last time.

Eat at Big Chill.

Chicken rolls at priyas

Utthapams at karnataka bhawan

Momos at dilli haat

Shop at woodlands :p

Nalli & Fabindia too!

Watch a movie in the theatre

Go to the farmhouse for another sunday brunch/lunch

JNU visit

Take lots of photographs.

Turquoise Cottage (if possible!)

Say bye to the hair stylist, the waxing woman, the laundry woman and Rama.

Ma ke haath ke rajma the night before I leave.

Okkkay so alot of this has to do with food :p Anyway, still ... what the heck. Time to indulge with abandon :D

Just ...

I'm happy today :) Not that anything spectacular has happened. But I guess it's the theory of balance - when one thing goes down, something else will go up.

The sporadic shopping trips have begun. Tickets are almost booked. Been realising all the things I'll miss. Some of my students' have written in, asking me to stay back for another year. That was the most unexpected and sweetest thing to have happened since term ended. I was taken aback. But it reaffirmed my faith in my job and how it can, really, make a difference to, and touch, another young person's life in a way that probably even I had never imagined. And it felt good. Really good :)

RED!

I just love this new template :)

Broke out into a dance at the gym today :p And then bumped into a whole football team while shopping for groceries. Something about them reminded me of school. But well, if there's anyone who has earned their muscles & tshirts, it's sportsmen. And they look so sexy!

Spoke to AA today. She leaves next weekend, and so we have a farewell lined up the coming week. I was so relieved to know I'm not the only one who is unable to sleep at nights. Somehow it felt nice talking to her. Made me realise how far we've all come! All the way from our years at school to now ... and no matter what happens, these 3 people who I know always provide a voice of reason - one I can understand. So anyway, she's not going to be too far away from me. We were discussing how this shift is a whole new beginning for us - and it's probably for the best that we're still unattached! Lol! However the punchline came from AS, "bhagwaan ne US bheja bhi toh kisey - AA & S ko! Yeh toh wahan bhi kuch nahin kar payenge"! Lol! I have to agree. AS/AB would have definitely seen a lot more action had they been in our place! :)

totally random

I'm tired.

It's june and I have a list of things-to-do which seems never-ending and two days of rains were just not enough to get it all done!

But well, most of the paperwork is done. I'm finally through with the health check-up I had been postponing day after day. I got a sparkling clean bill of health. Let's hope it stays that way. Filled out a whole lot of other online things. Now if Jnu would only give me my degree....

I've also concluded that I will not be doing any more shopping. Sad but true. I don't seem to like anything in any store that i visit. So in order to make myself feel less bad about things, I am just putting a stop to the shopping trips from now on.

Next up is a long line of relatives to be visited, friends too. I am so dreading that bit. Like really really not looking forward to it. Like I wake up crying in the middle of the night - that kind of not looking forward to it.

Oh June, I wish you would slow down a bit.

Chicken little

I can't sleep. I haven't been sleeping well for a long time now. Everyday I think it might be because I slept alot during the day. But it's not that. I mean, that can't explain why I find myself in tears almost every night, way after everyone else has gone to sleep.

And well the crying itself has been so mixed up. But lately it's more and more to do with just one question - how on earth will I survive in the US? And, what on earth was I thinking that I wanted to do a Phd, and that too from so far away from home? This is what you get ms. smartypants for answering everyone who asked you 'why don't you do it from jnu?' with a 'no it just doesn't drive me enough'. Blah! Rubbish!

So my thoughts begin with how I will feel when I eventually do land in ithaca. I won't know a soul. I won't know a single street or store and I won't feel any love for any gorge or waterfall or lake that they might have there. I won't recognise a single face, I won't hear even one familiar voice, I don't even know how long it'll be before I hear someone speak hindi. I'm also scared of getting the TB test done there all alone. And what if someone breaks into my apartment one night and just kills me? This thought for some reason comes to my head every single night. Add to that things like what if I'm the dumbest in my class? And what if I don't get the E of Econometrics? What if they just ask me to go back? Or what if I just flunk.

I won't know anyone nearby at all. The closest will be a few other people a few hours away by plane on that dratted east coast. Oh god, please remind me why I was even excited about all this, ever?

Aaah heartbreak .... Why did you have to come back so soon? Why couldn't you have just stayed away and not brought back feelings that I thought I had buried inside of me forever?

It's strange really. I so badly want things to work out between him and me. And all this while I thought we had something going on. Which we did. But several oceans and continents between us had completely other plans I guess. I tried to hold on, even this time. But not for too long. I guess there's a reason they call it experience. I suppose I would have still stuck to it but something just did not seem right. This one tiny thing that he said. Well I suppose many tiny things but this one thing in particular. And a few that he left unsaid.

So here's to another round of missing-you, remembering you in so many ways and so many things, and wondering if I ever cross your mind, and resisting the urges to pick up the phone and dial your number. Here's to wondering whether or not I should delete all your texts, and the emails, the chats, the fb stuff ... and well the worst is having to eventually tell the friends (not right away) and tell ma you won't be there with me when I leave this time.

But well, I guess I'll live. I'm not the first one! Why couldn't someone have told me earlier that it wasn't meant to be?

Post-script

Just as I finish writing this, he says 'but for some reason this doesn't feel right' and I ask him what doesn't. He says 'not giving it a try'. I am too exhausted to react/respond.

Went to the ashram yesterday. It was Baba's birth anniversary. So they had alot of people speaking up about their experiences with him. One of those people was my naani. Honestly I was amazed by the tales she had to tell! That my own family had known him, seen him, spoken to him and how all of those things involved an element of wonder or surprise or mircles even. I was too tired to blog last night. And I'm still sleepy although it's morning. So will hold on to the rest of the thoughts for now. Oh and it's finally rained. Baba might just be the reason we love the rains so much....

I'm almost glad now, that the Walden ashram won't be too far away from where I'll be :)

I feel good!

I went to the gym today. I've never liked gyms. Ever. I find them too enclosed, and artificially cold and basically not-open spaces. This year's scorching summer however has meant that the gym (or the pool) is the only viable option. And I have been vegetating for quite some time now!

So I went. And I loved it! And loved the attention ;)

I'm also honing my driving skills. I think I have finally got the hang of clutch-driving... clutch-break, clutch-break, clutch-break ... that's all you have to do on delhi's roads!! You hardly ever get a chance to press the accelerator ! lol!

So with gym & driving begun, that only leaves the cooking ... hmm...

I'm a big big girl... :p

I can't even remember the first time I heard this song. It was ages ago. On the radio. I think! And for some reason it's coming back to me ...

That particular time ...

Somewhere along the way I slipped. Not that someone pushed me. No. I let myself slip. All the while thinking I had my feet firmly on the ground. But I didn't. And so I fell. And got hurt where it hurts the most.

What is it with men and their confused selves anyway? Why are they most responsive only during the chase - whether it's them chasing you or vice versa. And what gives them the right anyway, to let you be a part of their world and then just as easily exclude you from it? What the f*** do they mean when they say 'we're more than friends'? Why can't they just let things happen, why do they have to go and spoil it all by acting like the biggest jerks on the planet? They're pigs. All of them.

So anyway, it's back to square one. It's where a thousand tales begin and as many come to an end. It's a cruel reminder of how living a little can mean losing yourself.

As always it's Alanis time ...

I've always wanted for you what you've wanted for yourself

and yet I wanted to save us high water or hell

and I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt

and in the meantime I lost myself

you knew you needed more time

time spent alone with no distraction

you felt you needed to fly solo and high

to define what you wanted

at that particular time love encouraged me to leave

at that particular moment I knew staying with you meant deserting me

that particular month was harder than you'd believe but I still left

at that particular time

Well I mean, I could still get back on my feet. I want to make this work. More than anything else. But I can't do it alone. I shouldn't be expected to. Just like I shouldn't be expected to be okay with everything that happens. No matter how you justify it. I guess I could try to understand it all. But you know how you just get pushed to the point where it's exhausting to even begin to think about it? I should know, I've been there before :p

I am done. Trying to understand and be tolerant and patient and understanding and everything else. With every fibre of my being, I am just disillusioned. I've been hurt and you can't fix it.

Oh btw, did I mention I went shopping a few days back? After ages, I shopped, shopped and shopped till I really couldn't stand anymore! I tried on a zillion clothes, felt super nice in most of them, rejected almost all because they were too big, and ended up buying a few. I bought some really nice stuff this time! And I'm not yet :p

Grrr....

Today's one of those days when I feel like there's no one I can talk to. Not a single person in my phonebook. Not a single person on my Gtalk list. No one on facebook/etc. I can't talk to my ma, my brother's not here, and I honestly don't want to bother my dad. I know exactly what some of my best friends will say - and I know it will piss me off like nothing else has in quite a long while. I thought I could talk to AB but I realised this time I don't want anyone judging me or anyone else - which is exactly what she did.

Why is it that people can just never listen for once? How is it that they are ready with their advice/take on things even before you've finished saying what you wanted to say? Why can't they see it my way, instead of making me see my problem their way?!

Facebook is just depressing the life out of me right now. In the past three days I have gotten to know of six friends who are getting married, or have gotten engaged. Six! I mean, cmon! Give me a break! And another few whose babies have become 3-6 months old. And the thing is, I find myself wanting the same, more and more. I have concluded it's a girl thing. There's really nothing else to it. It's the age, it's the hormones, it's the emotions... all of it. So I'm not even going to try to hide it. I know everything else in my life is on track. But everything else ceases to matter that much when I find myself wanting this one thing so bad. And to think I couldn't have been bothered till 6 months back. It's seriously freaky how things become clear after a point of time? And then in a moment, it's just easier to take a decision, no matter how difficult it might seem. Which is what's happened to me. After more than a week of turmoil.

Trying to look for housing in Ithaca. Getting a little tired of it, to be honest. If nothing else, atleast I know the names of the streets and what the map looks like! I have to admit I'm looking forward to it. My own place. Getting to budget things. The implicit assumption being I will not go into deficit! Thinking of how much I would want to save. What all I'd like to do on campus. Wondering if I will be able to make time for everything else.... there is so much to do there, so much to see! Wishing I were going there as an undergrad! :p

Also a little anxious. New place. New system. No friends!

But well, thousands have done it before me. I'll live :)

I think I've hit a moment of clarity. Phew! I so badly needed it. What with thoughts of having to leave, the PhD and everything else that could happen along the way, I really really needed this semblance of sanity. And I have got it back.

Reminds me of what Christopher Robin says to Pooh -

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

I remember, as a child, I used to love going to airports. And I loved it even more if we went there to receive someone, or to go somewhere ourselves. In Mct I liked it because it meant we would be flying home for the holidays. In Del I liked the road leading up to the airport, where you could just park your car on the side and watch countless planes land/take off, right above your head.

Four of us went to the airport today. Three came back. In another three months, only two will come back home. I don't like airports anymore. I don't feel the excitement anymore. I don't find kids dressed in brand new clothes endearing anymore. I no longer hear the rude guards blowing their whistles incessantly to keep the traffic moving. I felt nothing today, when we were dropping RG off at the airport. All I was thinking of was the next time I'll get to meet him. And how it will just be the two of us.

I don't like it that he's gone away. I don't like it that I'll be going away too. Soon.

I was thinking of all this in the car, on the way back home. AB called, from some corner of the globe, screaming with joy that she's become a mausi. It's a baby girl :) Amazing isn't it, how life and time, both, go on ...