Mumbai 26/11 One Year On

It's one year today, from when the terror attacks happened at Mumbai. Memorial services are being held all over the country. There are call-in programs on TV, on the radio... I've just finished watching a short film, 'unn hazaaron ke naam', which has recounted the entire ordeal. It's as though we've had to go through it all over again. The young chef who lost his life at the Taj, the jewish baby who lost his parents, the hotel manager who lost his family... and the other thousands who felt that loss as their own.

I still remember how those three days had us glued to the TV and newspapers. There were moments when I just couldn't stop my tears. Not then, not today.

We lit a candle. There's something about candles isn't it? It stands for hope in the midst of so much helplessness. It stands for remembrance. and faith.

Head over Feet

It's been long. So long that I've forgotten what it feels like. I'm surprised by the happiness. The warmth. The knowing-ness that comes with it. And fun. Loads of that! The attention & the flirting! I've been having random conversations with M, P & AB but even to them I haven't been able to convey what I feel.

I didn't expect it to happen. Not right now. Not like this! And I couldn't do anything about it. I did try to resist, but well... :)

Ipod is playing Alanis' Head over Feet...

...You treat me like I'm a princess

I'm not used to liking that

You ask how my day was

You've already won me over in spite of me

And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet

Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are

I couldn't help it

It's all your fault

:)

Reefknot is back in the blogosphere. And she has put down such a nice quote, do check it out! (nov 13th)

As for me, the world has changed. Significantly. It seems hard to believe!

I've always had a thing about honesty. I can't lie. To anyone. It shows instantly. At the same time I usually expect people to be equally honest with me. Now sometimes that ends up with them saying things I don't agree. Or don't want to agree with. It is at moments like those that I wish people would just say what I want to hear, even if it's not the whole truth. Is that so wrong? Or just part of being human?

december challenge...

The lambu has been ruthless for the past few days. And he's trying to woo my Ma! They gang up against me. Let december come...I will not let him win :p

undergrads

It has suddenly become very cold in Delhi. It snows in Shimla, and our woollens are out. It doesn't help that half the population is down with the flu. Including your truly. Teaching becomes most difficult then. To stand for an hour, do some heavy duty talking while at the same trying to gauge the mood of 45-50 nineteen year olds, when your body feels like wood and head like a stack of hay - is no childs play!

This week particularly the boys seem to be very restless. This week seems to have been marked by a lull in their sports & dramatics activities, so a whole bunch of lanky and very naughty backbenchers have been making my class discussions more animated than usual :)

Yesterday I had to however ask them to try and maintain silence since I was croaking like a frog. They immediately quitened down. At the end of the lecture one of them very innocently enquired 'maam will we have class tomorrow?". My automatic response was why wouldn't we?! And he says 'no maam, you're not feeling well, so you should take a day off and rest' - LOL! All the while I could make out the impish grin of his, and those around them, hoping for a free day...

Today one of them came up to me as I wrapped up some work and said 'maam do I trouble you alot in the class?" :) I honestly didn't know what to say to him! I had an urge to laugh out loud, but well had to control that one. I told him I'd let him know when he was stepping the bounds, and that it was fine, 'its the age' for him to trouble me and for me to have enough tolerance to enjoy it than be bothered by it!

Another time one of them turned up, looking very apologetic about his low attendance in class. 'maam I really want to improve my attendance'.....

I do love these kids. I can't help it!

The festival season has begun in the university. So all the dance, dramatics, music people are busy with practices. It's infectious, the urge to not attend class! The weather just adds to the temptation of sitting down with a good cup of coffee and some good music.

I feel terribly alone. There's an emptiness right in the pit of my stomach. It's like a hollow. I feel like all I want to do is to have a good cry. But I'm unable to. The tears just won't come. I thought it would help to talk to some friends. But I just wasn't able to get the words out of my mouth. Instead all I said was 'So, whats happening?' and tried to sound normal while the conversation lasted.

Why does it have to be so hard?

To forgive. To forget. To trust, again.

To believe. In love.

To have faith. In others. In myself.

To be tolerant.

To smile.

To laugh. Even at the bad times.

Why does it have to be harder to not wish that you were here. To never hope for another bouquet of flowers. From you. Even if they are orchids again. To resist the urge to just pick up the phone and talk to you. Especially right now.

Why must it all be so hard?

F*** ETS

I have had ALL my education in english - my schooling, my undergrad, my masters. I now teach in an english-medium university, and a top-notch one at that. I speak english more fluently than hindi (my native language). I have read more literature, heard more music, seen more plays in english than in Hindi. When I get angry I am more coherent in English.

YET just because the US follows certain systems, I have to take the TOEFL. Which I did, a week back. I took a day off from work to 'prepare' for it. During the test I felt nothing short of brain-dead. What is this passage about? What is the conversation about? Blah Blah Blah. Utter useless nonsense.

I don't have an issue with this stupid exam. Maybe there are people for who it really does reflect some ability to speak/read/understand the English language. I have an issue with having to pay $165 for a test I really don't need. AND I have an issue with having to pay an extra $17 for additional score reports. $17?? Why on earth does it cost them that much?! Especially since most of these are now electronically sent from ETS to the univs. (for the GRE it is $20).

It's ok to have a policy where you want score reports, it's even understandable that you want them from the official source. But that you charge so much for them? Where's the justification in that? Take the alternate case for transcripts - they r official too, we get them from the univs, and in most cases they are provided to us free of cost (or very minimal if at all). Then what is too great about ETS? And seriously those four 'free' score cards - how many people actually apply to just 'four' places??!? More so when especially for TOEFL there's this stupid mandatory requirement for all international students! I mean seriously, atleast we got our english from the English....

Everyone knows that applying to a place like the US/UK involves money. I know, since I'm going to be exhausting almost a year's worth of savings, and I work as a professor! One can understand application fee, but forced expenditure just does not seem logical/justified. I wonder why so many international students are quiet about this?

Proud me

"Should we start a petition to get you back?" said one of the students at my old place of work.

"We miss you" messages are still pouring in.

"Heard they were very happy with you. Good show!" said Mojo.