Turning 27....

Oh, I didn't blog about the birthday now, did I? Well :p Let's see.

I had to call up Ma and remind her that even though she's with her favourite child, she could wish me since it was time :p

M as usual, just gave me a 'missed call'! :D Trust the woman to do that! However it was awesome as always to listen to her blunt sarcastic take on life!

P & C called ...well P texted (I suppose that's better than a missed call!) and C called, all the while reminding me what a favor he was doing to me :p

Spoke to AB, always been the first one to wish me :) And then AA ....and Guppy who called up a day later so I could 'still feel special' :)

Ofcourse, I was scared out of my wits at midnight when the gang here turned up at my house. I was home alone, given the mice-infestation problem we had in out apartment recently. (Yes, when I say some of my roomies are not clean, I mean it.) I didn't expect these guys to do anything really, I mean .... they are guys after all.... so hearing a loud, nonstop banging on my front door brought me shaking to the living room, with (and yes, I know this is ridiculous) a shoe for protection from who I thought were a bunch of goons outside! However it was these sweethearts :p All with a cake, some presents and the usual dose of humor :D They even made me dinner the next day.... which was really sweet of them since everyone had a ton of work that weekend.

But it some small way it was disappointing too. It was probably just me.....

In any case, I'm just glad there's another birthday memory to replace last year's.

Yearning to be home

This semester is turning out to be quite strange. I somehow don't feel half at-home here this time as I did in the last one. It can't be the homesickness and it can't be the still-shopping-for-courses because all of that is set now. It might be because of everything that's lined up for the next few months. I don't know really. But I don't feel like I'm really here....

Today is div's engagement. I should be in Delhi right now. Gearing up for my best friend's big day. The chaos and raunak of a typical Punjabi wedding - the extended family, the food, the flowers and lights and colors and noise ... I just spoke to her. I had to disconnect twice before the call went through because I just started crying. Sitting in my room, thinking of how long we've known each other for, what all we've been through and how, now, she's finally getting married. My sweet, kind, chocoholic friend .... I can only hope that the beast keeps her happy and smiling forever. What wouldn't I give to be there with her right now.

It's these kind of moments that matter in the end right? I mean, I won't even remember all the stupid classes because of which I can't leave from here .... yet I'll always remember that I never left. I feel terrible about it. Mostly because I know if it were my big day, I would want her to be there with me. Throughout.

This just hasn't been my week I guess. And I have no one to talk to.

Grad Speak some more....

Annie - "you know what kapoora is, right?"

Everyone - "no..."

Annie - "it means balls..."

Teevie - "oh great! Next time I go to a bar I'll say to some guy, if you're a real man, show me your kapoora!!"

Adloo - "...poora ka-poora"!!! :D

.............

Bas yun hi....

I feel like I haven't written for quite some time. I don't have anything specific to write about. My life seems to revolve around homework assignments, midterms, cups of chai, realising the cold isn't all that bad, leaving the library on the rare sunny days and throwing in a bit of music or movies when I can. And praying. I find myself reaching out for the prayer book at times. And it does calm me. Just like walking around this campus. Thank goodness for the trees, lakes, blue skies, birds and squirrels. It nourishes my soul like nothing else can. This past weekend was probably the most relaxed it's ever been here. We had no homework, no midterms to study for. Initially it felt unreal and liberating. After a day though, I wanted it back - the busy pace, with so many things to do that my time was filled with work from morning to evening, so I didn't really have to think of what to do with my time. I wonder if that's a good thing ....?

I just realised how time flies by. It's mid-november already. In about a month, I'll be home. I somehow can't believe it. I do so badly want to see ma & papa again. But I also know I've changed. Not a lot, not fundamentally. But in some ways, I can feel it. And it's going to be interesting, this first visit back home :D

Guppy might visit me next weekend. RG is going to be here around thanksgiving. It should be good fun, to have some family around. Although I'm beginning to wonder just what constitutes family. My friends here, they make up an analogous set of people for me now. I know I'll miss them as much as I miss people from dilli once I'm home. Isn't that strange? It's like you make a family for yourself wherever you go. Which is comforting.

There are some other things I want to write about, but I can't bring myself to :p I'm still trying to understand them myself.

More Grad speak

After the concert at Buffalo. At the dinner table -

Friendly neighbour#1 - "oh look, my fork and knife have a magnetic field"

Vid - "Did you comb your hair with the fork?!"

.......

My mentor, El, speaking about her eye test -

"...I had a two hour eye test today"

Friendly neighbour#3 - "why what's wrong with your eyes?"

El - " What's wrong with them...." ..."I'm blind!" "So my doctor said that well, your this eye is blind ....and the other eye is ....double blind!" "So my number keeps increasing ...and I'm like yo dude, what's up with you?!"

.......

At the start of my TA class -

Nate - "All those who are in 1210, take the seats to the right or center"

Random student#1 - "1210? What's that?"

Randome student#2 - "Am I in 1210? How do I know if I'm in 1210?!"

Nate - "Well if you're usually in this room on this day at this time every week, then you're in it"!

It's midnight. I've just finished cleaning the kitchen. And our bathroom. The Counting Crows are singing 'Holiday in Spain' and I sing along when they reach the line '...drive this little girl insane'. We got back from Buffalo last evening. It was alot of fun. Well, the company was good, and hence everything else felt just fine. We saw perfect blue skies, sparkling lakes, upstate NY at it's prettiest in this season and lots of sunshine. Why is it that we never tire of being amazed by the colours of the fall? It was nice to be sitting in a car in this part of the world :p and we did have a fantastic driver, couldn't have had anyone better than friendly neighbour#3. There were lots of laughs along the way, you know the kinds that inevitably come up on road trips. Niagara falls a second time round weren't all that bad either! But for me, the best was when we sat down besides lake seneca. After a whole day of sitting on the middle seat of the car, being able to just sit down on the ground felt amazing. It was picture perfect. I didn't want to leave. I especially didn't want to come back to the thought of homework and upcoming midterms. Couldn't escape it for much longer though, once we got back. Today's been a strange day though. Had a broken sleep last night even though I was exhausted. The rest of the day just went by, I don't even know how. But well, tomorrow will be better :)

So, the thing about fall. It's more than just the palette of colours. It's like this feeling of hope, of just going on, even as the leaves fall. Or something like that. Not quite able to express myself right now. BUT i miss delhi in october. Like mad.

Not that my blogs impact the universe in any significant way, but it's nice to be back here. I'm beginning to fall even more in love with this place. We've had some cold rainy days and then it becomes grey, gloomy and miserable. But when the sun shines, and the wind blows, and there's just a trace of clouds in the blue sky, that's when it makes you just stand still for a moment, forgetting about all the homework and grading, and just soaking that moment. It does something to me, to my heart. I feel happy, content, and at peace. And truly blessed to be able to experience that one moment, no matter how shortlived it is.

So I got to visit Niagara Falls. Saw half a dozen rainbows, got drenched, and felt the spray on my face till I couldn't see a thing! It was exhilarating. I was extra grateful for it since I had fought with one of the roomies just the day before. I know it had to happen, but it was unpleasant all the same. Anyhow came home refreshed, with a few starfish.

One of my favourite things here is the cinema programme they have. I wish I could make more time for the movies they screen. However one really interesting piece was called 'Gravity was Everywhere back then' - creative in a quirky sort of way, the kinds that you couldn't not like! I suppose you could sell anything which has the cello being played to me! What is it about that sound...doesn't it make you wonder? It makes me feel as if I'm standing on top of a hill, all aof one, and from somewhere far far away this sound is just drifting along with the breeze. I love the sound of cellos.

Attended a jazz orchestra by Maria Schneider. I don't know what it is with jazz and me. I do try, honestly, but I believe I'm a long way from developing a taste for it. It did however make me long to hear some indian music. Which, it turns out, is happening tomorrow. It has to be a sign from somewhere if SPCIMACAY is here too! How I miss the concerts and plays back in delhi... and how many I attended! All through DU, JNU and @iit ....and the ones at nehru park. Where they would spread mattresses, and people would take off their shoes and just sit ...while the sun was setting, and till the stars filled the sky ...and just listen to music that could transport you to a different place all together.

I received a rose plant in the mail! All the way from singapore :) It has four yellow roses, and one rosebud. It's supposed to remind me of sunshine once we get in the winter months. Awww :)

Salsa classes are alot of fun! And a big stressbuster right in the middle of the week. The gym's good too. I'm talking to ma & papa everyday. It's been the subject of some amusing conversations here :p But I'm not complaining. I think I need it as much as they do.

I finally, at last, met up with someone who I should have met a long long time back! And it was good to see him, after all these years of emails & facebook. Hopefully we'll see more of each other from now on.

A brief note on some of the people I'm surrounded with these days :)

There's T ...without who I don't know what I would have done! Seriously! I thank god for sending him here. And for his butter-chicken skills. Everything else, I cook better :p T is also the one who keeps reminding me I should study since 'Andrew baba must be studying'! It's a joke between us, one that's probably gone too far but we're still holding on to it! Andrew's from DC and he's one of the nicer dancers in the salsa class. I'll just refer to him as A-baba from now on. He also usually has this harried expression on his face through every class, and everytime I meet him in a corridor/library, but I guess it's because he 'works hard....and works fast'! Which is something our DGS says. He does have a name but I like to call him Lord Buddha. We have his classes at 8am, twice a week. He takes a weekly quiz and I wonder every week how he sleeps at night knowing what he's putting us through! I like to refer to him as the Buddha though, since he gives me this impression that I can, with alot of hard work and fast work, get by in his course. Our other professor is the old man, and since right now I'm struggling to finish his homework, I have nothing nice to say about him. Our microecon prof is very cute but pretty bad at teaching.... so... Anyway, that apart, there's Chris in our study group. One of the sweetest people around, and he's a genius when it comes to the old man's course :) There's also Nathan, who TAs for the same course as me. He also like to play badminton and is very good with the drop shots (I hate that!). And every monday evening, when we're utterly exhausted, he walks into the auditorium at 7pm, gives me a big grin and says 'how's it going?' :) There's Ulrik. He's danish and is T's roomie, and far nicer than T :p and he makes the most amazing lasagne ever. He too enjoyes badminton. Then there's my friendly neighbour Arnold, who sometimes makes the most tangential of remarks and I know if I ever need to laugh I just need to talk to him! He also bravely brings up the men vs. women debates :D And last, but not the least, there's Adrian - the one who can make every single movie seem like it's our life here at CU. And the one who likes to salsa, travel and cooks amazing food, and just got a brand new big TV Screen so you know where we're going to be watching movies from now on! Oh and he has access to a car!

So, Arnold, T, Adrian are going to be friendly neighbour # 1, 2 and 3 respectively (in order of how far their apt is from mine!).

There are girls in my program. However I don't think I've spoken to any of them to an extent that I could write something about them here! Which is slightly strange isn't it.... all I've written about is guys and how well most of them cook! Oh well.... it's the truth :p

Sometimes I do think of the lambu. Inspite of all my assignments, cooking, grocery shopping, movies/music, sometimes I do wonder what it might have been like, had we worked things out. But I also know this is a good place to come to with a broken heart. It gives you that space and let's you take your time. Fall is just around the corner. The trees have begun turning yellow/pink/red/orange ...and I can't describe how lovely it already looks. The way the leaves just drif off the branches and you see them littered on the pavements. It's just beautiful. When I walk to the gym from behind our library, I cross the lake. And when the leaves of those trees rustle, it reminds me of the enchanted wood that enid blyton wrote about years and years ago. It really is as if they're speaking out to you. And a squirrel scampers along the way, and everything seems right with the world.

There's alot to be done here. This past week I felt like 24 hours in a day are just not enough. Something tells me that feeling is a good thing :) For now, I should get back to some more homework. Goodnight bloggie!

I was a mess today morning. I just kept crying the whole time. Then I pushed myself to go out to the mall here. It was nice. Well, we got a whole load of freebies, including some very essential ones :D :D

Came back and I just broke down again. I couldn't help myself.

I then had to decide whether or not to go for this dept picnic we were having today. Spoke to a few people, who apparently had decided not to go. I almost didn't go. But something told me it would be better than sitting in my room and becoming even more miserable. So I went. And it was really nice. It was at a prof's place. Which was in the middle of nowhere. You could see the cayuga lake in the distance, and friendly green trees, and people, all around. And tons of food. I found myself laughing, genuinely, for the first time in a few days. Met alot of new people, had conversations with a few I'd met before. It was nice.

Some of us then got a ride back to campus to go for a get-together for new indian students. That was nice too! To meet your own kind and praise/crib/b**** about anything and everything, was nice. There was food and drinks. And punjabi and hindi music. Which I heard after more than a month. So I found myself singing along, and dancing to songs which I would have otherwise hated.

I realised that such days will come again. I know they will. But I know now that it's upto me, to let them get to me. Or to try to get out of it. It's not easy. But I guess like everything else, that's what makes it worth it.

Old friends...

So today finally, M came over! And I did give her a tough time about it :p Prag came over too. Was good fun! We all chatted about jnu. About M's insane infamous nutty professor. And then about the lambu. Which was actually quite hilarious in some ways, since Prag and I think alike and M is a female version of the lambu. So half the time all I could say was "dude why don't you get it?!" :) But well she gave me a whole lot of gyaan, all of which was taken with a ton of salt!

Ofcourse today was yet another moment when M saw someone else bring something for me and was compelled to say "why must you people make me look so bad!" - awww :p

Tomorrow JS comes over, in the morning. AB lands in town tomorrow night and will be here for the weekend. S comes over on saturday.

I think it's almost nice that I'm meeting these people towards the end :) I only know how much I'll miss them.

I've been putting off writing this post for a long long time. Can't hold it in any longer I guess :(

The last few weeks have been simply exhausting. To the point where if someone mentions the words 'shopping' or 'lets meet sometime' I automatically say a 'no'. I have no energy left to think of a day, time and place that would be mutually convenient. Plus the heat wave acts as a natural deterrent.

I've said my goodbyes. To friends. Family. Family friends (and I realised they are more family than friends - something I didn't admit to earlier). I've eaten all my favourite foods everywhere I went. I've received some really nice presents too. I've been hugged and kissed a zillion times and been wished goodluck, do well, take care of yourself.

The thing is, this whole leaving-home process really makes you realise just how many people and places and things make up your life. I've been trying to squeeze mine into a few weeks and I still have a long list of people who I know I won't get to meet in time. That makes me sad.

I'm done with all the shopping and in a day or two the bags should be packed. I know once I reach there, all the new stuff I have will not matter. The clothes, shoes and whatnot will not be half as nice as all of my old stuff put together back home.

My parents are having a tough time too. The whole letting-go process. Mom's been way too hyper (emotionally and otherwise). Dad's barely saying anything these days. It's draining at times, to be able to talk to them while keeping everything light and funny and convincing them that they'll be ok. That I'll be ok.

Actually it's the grandparents also. hmm ... I find it amusing though, how my grandfather always gives me this one piece of warning - 'shikaayat nahin aani chahiye wahan se' (they shouldn't complain about you there) - I got to hear this when I was in school. Then when I joined college. Even when I began to work! And now again ... :)

But the truth is, I'm very scared too. I know I have people there for me, and a whole lot of other resources and that I will be crazy busy sooner than later. But I'm still scared. I don't want to leave. My family. Grandparents. Home. City. Country. I'm going to miss so many things about this random insane infuriating country! The noise. The neem trees. The monsoons. The festivals. The people, my people. The monuments. The travels. Actually alot more. I just can't seem to write it all down right now.

I'm realising that maybe Aerosmith's 'Dont wanna miss a thing' was written & sung for such moments ... damn them.

Broke out into a dance at the gym today :p And then bumped into a whole football team while shopping for groceries. Something about them reminded me of school. But well, if there's anyone who has earned their muscles & tshirts, it's sportsmen. And they look so sexy!

Spoke to AA today. She leaves next weekend, and so we have a farewell lined up the coming week. I was so relieved to know I'm not the only one who is unable to sleep at nights. Somehow it felt nice talking to her. Made me realise how far we've all come! All the way from our years at school to now ... and no matter what happens, these 3 people who I know always provide a voice of reason - one I can understand. So anyway, she's not going to be too far away from me. We were discussing how this shift is a whole new beginning for us - and it's probably for the best that we're still unattached! Lol! However the punchline came from AS, "bhagwaan ne US bheja bhi toh kisey - AA & S ko! Yeh toh wahan bhi kuch nahin kar payenge"! Lol! I have to agree. AS/AB would have definitely seen a lot more action had they been in our place! :)

The lambu & I

This blog entry is about one of my most favourite people in the world.

I fought with the lambu. I'm always least proud of myself when I fight with him. Mainly because he's always been only the nicest to me. And still I fight with him. The thing is, it's not like I am consciously aware of even when the argument begins. As someone just said to me, "you never know what will anger him" ... So anyway we were just talking and then my internet stopped working and when it finally fixed itself a few hours later, I found a very cruel, very mean, very very cold mail from the lambu in my inbox. And see, that's the thing, I knew it wouldn't be pleasant. Still I read it. Again and again and again. I don't understand this implicit need to go on torturing myself! Also, with the lambu's e-mail's, it's like I'm reading an article for one of my lectures. At first when I read it, I only get the 'english' of it. Then I read it a few more times, and each time a little more of the context filters through to my understanding. So obviously by the time I was done getting all of it, I had experienced the entire gamut of emotions -

huh?!

wtf?!

excuse me but where did this email come from?

what does he think of himself?

fine we'll have it his way

does he think it's going to kill me? it's so not! I'll show him

no wait a minute, why should I listen to him in the first place

I am so not doing things his way!

Then I tried to draft a reply. And re-drafted it 7 times exactly. Then the internet stopped working again. I have no choice but to call it divine intervention. Because somewhere at the back of my mind I had been thinking of just sleeping over it. Which is what I did. Of course my sleep was very very disturbed, but that's better than sending out a reply which is all gibberish.

When I woke up, the internet was working again. So I log in to Gmail, quickly scan all the facebook updates in the inbox, just read the ones from him, which anyway were fairly non-threatening compared to the email of last night. I delete the rest of the updates, knowing they'll anyway show up on the Fb homepage. And get down to replying to that dratted email. By now, I'm mentally tired, and I have cried a few times. Still I send out 2-3 lines trying to sound all calm and composed and 'cool' with it all. Obviously I was anything but that. Still I sent that email. And then finished doing the daily rounds of Fb.

Back to the Gmail inbox, with that chat column on the left showing him online. I click on his name. And I begin to type. Then I get confused about what I want to say. Then a little bit of the ego comes in the way, why should I initiate this?! Then I close that window. And stare at his name again. Then after a while I take a deep breath, click again on his name, and being typing out my apologies. That then led to a conversation which is best left undisclosed. It brought up some very unexpected points and by the end of it I felt just so hurt (I mean, I know the guy was angry n all, but alot of what he said was totally uncalled for) that even my brain zoned out and all I could do was breathe.

So I breathed. Cried but only a little bit. The thing is, I know we fight, and that we disagree on more things that most people do. And that sometimes I do give him a hard time. But I've never thought it all this can beat us. And I still don't think so.

But then I guess that's just me ...

Back from a long overdue to visit to the city of Bangalore. I have to confess I was disappointed. But that's ok considering most of my trip was spent out of the city - in the beautiful tea estates of Wayanad, and the lovely beaches of Gokarna.

There's alot I could write about it, and I will. But just too tired right now.

More later...

FYI, Mr.M

Dear Mr. M,

It was unexpected that I got to talk to you, but I guess somewhere I'm not surprised that the first thing she said to me was 'ok just talk to him...!'

D's one of my bestest friends, and I couldn't be happier if I tried! The two of you have definitely taken everyone by surprise, so much so that I almost pity the parents! Don't be taken in by her silence (actually, she and silent??! Since When?!) given that some of us have been hearing of you non-stop since what feels like forever now. And to think you were as gone as she is and the whole bunch of us couldn't figure it out and just took her word that apparently it's normal for you!

D deserves the best. I'm glad you've come into her life at this point of time. And I know things will work out the way you both want them to, at the right time & right place. Ofcourse we must still meet, can't spare her the teasing :p And I need to hear your end of the story too!

"What sort of nonsensical bakwaas is that?!"

Div likes a guy! Haha...Thank god, someone better than that loser ex-boyfriend of hers....

We obviously talked about it at length over coffee, popcorn and toast with butter & marmalade. This inspite of the fact that both of us were exhausted, me from the past three days of attending a crazy wedding, and she , well because she got drunk with the guy in question last night!

D - "So...how do I know if there's something happening?"

Me - "Umm...I think you should give it some time."

D - "How much time? ... When do I know it's enough time?"

Me - "Oh you'll know ..."

D - "So should I say something to him?"

Me - "umm...depends..."

D - "How will I know what to say to him?"

Me - "Umm...I think you'll just know"

D - - "What the hell is that supposed to mean?! What sort of nonsensical bakwaas is that?!?"

Well all I can say in my defense is, what else did she expect? :p

Next year is today

Love the Lambu!

Totally & Utterly!

So far...

It is turning out to be a magical december.

College has been at its most vibrant. December brings with it just the perfect weather to enjoy the city. The right mix of sunshine and a slight nip in the air. The university is buzzing with countless festivals - economics, history, english, sociology, movie screenings, dance/dramatics and what not! It does make me nostalgic. At the same time I do like being a part of this way. Especially their requests to be a judge :p Coursework is on track, but term-end is always tiring. Just the thought of all the loose ends that have to be tied together before we go in for the winter break is enough to exhaust one entirely.

This week was tiring also because RG & I were busy executing a surprise weekend getaway for the parents' anniversary. From their feedback so far, it seems to have been totally worth the effort :)

I have managed to watch a few movies, caught up with AB & D as well. AB's life has ended up getting alot messier than anyone could have imagined. Whatever happened to good things happening to good people, I wonder...

I've been surprised by myself in many ways recently. I've never been able to hide what I feel too well. But this time I seem to be setting new records for myself. While that in itself is astonishing, what's new is that somewhere I feel ok about it. Initially I did feel as though I was coming across as stupid/dumb/foolish, and while at some moments I did, usually I just feel like there's no point in holding back, in keeping it inside of me. Ofcourse the repercussions have been that the entire city has seen me grinning like a nutcase. The people at the metro station, the autowaalas, my students, colleagues, ma, friends (D said I've never looked like this!), and well a certain someone across a computer screen half way across the world.

Life can sometimes be so strange. It takes one unexpected turn and you have to figure it all out , all over again. I've realised it's best not to question some things. Sometimes you just can't do anything. Just have to let them happen. When they are meant to happen. If at all. This once, I am waiting, just to even hope/pray that it might work out...

Head over Feet

It's been long. So long that I've forgotten what it feels like. I'm surprised by the happiness. The warmth. The knowing-ness that comes with it. And fun. Loads of that! The attention & the flirting! I've been having random conversations with M, P & AB but even to them I haven't been able to convey what I feel.

I didn't expect it to happen. Not right now. Not like this! And I couldn't do anything about it. I did try to resist, but well... :)

Ipod is playing Alanis' Head over Feet...

...You treat me like I'm a princess

I'm not used to liking that

You ask how my day was

You've already won me over in spite of me

And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet

Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are

I couldn't help it

It's all your fault

:)

Reefknot is back in the blogosphere. And she has put down such a nice quote, do check it out! (nov 13th)

As for me, the world has changed. Significantly. It seems hard to believe!

I've always had a thing about honesty. I can't lie. To anyone. It shows instantly. At the same time I usually expect people to be equally honest with me. Now sometimes that ends up with them saying things I don't agree. Or don't want to agree with. It is at moments like those that I wish people would just say what I want to hear, even if it's not the whole truth. Is that so wrong? Or just part of being human?