I woke up today morning. Minus the headache and tears. I thought I would be ok. Then I spoke to my dad. He asked me how the weekend was, what all we did. I know he was trying, in his own way, to make me feel better, but it didn't help. I was back in a pool of tears.

Then we began watching Parenthood which is this adorable programme on TV. And so this one guy gives a slip of paper to this girl. She opens it and it says 'Will you go out with me?' Then is has three options below - yes, no, maybe. That one scene reminded me of him. again.

I now have to take a bath. My aunt told my cousins to take me out for lunch. I can't believe how sweet they all are being about this. But I don't want to go. I look at my clothes and remember how I spent hours agonising about what to wear when he was around. The footbridge behind their house will remind me of how he held me, right in the middle of it and teased me about wanting him dead. And then how we walked to the other side, sat down and talked. Or tried to.

It hurts so much. I wish I could just erase some of those memories. But then again, some of them do make me smile. I know he didn't do any of this intentionally. But it hurts more than what his hugs, calls and emails can fix right now. I'm glad we'll be friends. I know what it's like to go down this road and lose a friend in the process. But right now... I just wish he was here.

(couldn't) save tonight

I knew this day would come. I just wish it had happened a month back. Rather, I wish I had accepted it earlier. The lambu was here for the weekend. It was beautiful :) Till we sat down to talk business ....turns out we're just going to have to be ok with being friends. I had imagined this conversation a few hundred times in my head. But when it came down to it, I couldn't say a word to him. I wanted to scream, curse, hit him, question him, try to convince him that maybe we wouldn't end up being in as big a soup as he thinks we will. But I just couldn't get the words out. I couldn't. And I couldn't hold back my tears. I swear I tried, like crazy. But I just couldn't.

I felt really alone at that moment. All I wanted was to be back home with my parents. No one else. And I was reminded of that moment at the airport when I had said goodbye to them. I don't know what hurt more.

I came home here and mausi sat down with me. 'What is it about him that makes you feel he is the one?' she asked me. I just smiled and shrugged. How am I supposed to answer that question? That I break into a smile everytime I see him? That everything feels right when I'm with him? I feel safe when he holds my hand, and warm when he hugs me? That I trust him no matter what? That he's always in my thoughts & prayers? How he looks out for me? Or how he does these small small things when I least expect them and how I can't even begin to describe how awesomely special it makes me feel? I don't know what it is about him that makes me feel he is the right one. Maybe I'm wrong. Then again, maybe I'm not. I guess I'll never know.

Why do I feel like eating a whole pizza right after gymming? It defeats the purpose doesn't it? And yet almost every day I have a craving for a pizza or momos or chowmein! My mouth starts watering just at the thought of it. But then I say a 'no' to myself. Firmly. And try to find happiness in a glass of cold chocolate milk. Is this a sign of becoming older? Or wiser? :p

I also, right now, have this urge to go and crash at my nani's house. But well that's not happening soon. Atleast not till my VI later this week.

And well, today I am missing you. Sort of. Like alot.

Aaah heartbreak .... Why did you have to come back so soon? Why couldn't you have just stayed away and not brought back feelings that I thought I had buried inside of me forever?

It's strange really. I so badly want things to work out between him and me. And all this while I thought we had something going on. Which we did. But several oceans and continents between us had completely other plans I guess. I tried to hold on, even this time. But not for too long. I guess there's a reason they call it experience. I suppose I would have still stuck to it but something just did not seem right. This one tiny thing that he said. Well I suppose many tiny things but this one thing in particular. And a few that he left unsaid.

So here's to another round of missing-you, remembering you in so many ways and so many things, and wondering if I ever cross your mind, and resisting the urges to pick up the phone and dial your number. Here's to wondering whether or not I should delete all your texts, and the emails, the chats, the fb stuff ... and well the worst is having to eventually tell the friends (not right away) and tell ma you won't be there with me when I leave this time.

But well, I guess I'll live. I'm not the first one! Why couldn't someone have told me earlier that it wasn't meant to be?

Post-script

Just as I finish writing this, he says 'but for some reason this doesn't feel right' and I ask him what doesn't. He says 'not giving it a try'. I am too exhausted to react/respond.

'Like' iSaid

I've liked the lambu for sometime now. I mean, well, to be honest, I've liked him from day 1, but then there are different kinds of 'like' aren't there? :p

I'm surprised at myself really. I don't think I've ever put myself out there the way I have with this guy. It scares me at times you know. I feel really really vulnerable. Because somewhere he knows enough to probably break my heart one day. But at the same time I also feel a strange sense of comfort. That he knows enough for me to not have to pretend anything with him. My likes, dislikes, irrationality, moods - it's who I am and he knows it.

We talk alot. As much as is possible given the constraints of work/study, sleep and meals. Ma often asks me what we talk about. More often than not I find it difficult to be specific. Sometimes our conversations are fun and teasing. Sometimes they're so serious it's almost depressing! We disagree mostly. We are two very different people, so I'm not surprised. But I like those differences you know. I don't think they're the kinds that take away something from either of us. I feel they just complete the rest of us. But then, that's just me.

There's another reason why I enjoy myself with the lambu. Sometimes it's nice not to have to do everything on my own, it's a relief not to have to go through everything alone. It feels good to really be able to share the disappointments .... I can just say "it's not fair" and he'll let me be silent for a while. Or I can just ask him to shut up and he just rephrases whatever he was saying and I don't mind it so much then. He lets me be irrationally angry at the world and still talks to me after that as if I said nothing out of the ordinary. Yet I know he knows what I meant.

Ofcourse, the celebrations are just so much better with him around! Even though he's really far away, the way he tells me he's proud of me... it's the way only three other people in my life do.

Sometimes I wonder about it. I mean, c'mon, men really can't be like that, can they? :p

Sometimes I feel he's nearer than alot of my friends here. Is that weird?

Sometimes I wonder why it feels to good to be true.

Sometimes I also wonder if he feels the same way?

But whatever it is, I know I've found a best friend in him. I read somewhere that as a girl you're really lucky if you have one girl-best-friend. I guess I'm luckier then ... I have several girl best friends and now, the most awesome guy as one too.

Ofcourse this doesn't mean I love him or anything. Nope. Thank you very much but I am staying clear of that totally irrational, unexplainable, hopelessly impossible thing! :p

deeeep breath ...

Alrighty. To be honest, I've been putting this off for quite sometime now. But I just can't take it anymore!!

Till about ten days back I was insanely anxious to hear from a bunch of US Universities I considered myself worthy of applying to. Ofcourse by then most places had sent out a letter of rejection to me. And if you've never received one, I'm afraid there's jus no way for you to know just what it feels like. It's unlike any other kind of 'rejection' you might receive. It hits you at a different level all together. Basically it makes you feel like the worst kind of scum on this planet. And the plethora of thoughts running in your mind essentially boil down to two alternating thoughts - "am I really that bad?!" versus "What was I thinking, applying to them?". And the thing is, it doesn't get better with time. It actually gets worse, letter after letter. So even though you tell yourself that you can take it, tha you won't let it get to you and all that crap, even you know you're lying to yourself. And you know it when that one tiny tear inevitably escapes your eye.

The up-side is since I'm waitlisted at two places, there's still hope. It gets better since both the places are rather good for what I want to study. And since I haven't received 'the' letter till now, it has to reflect some competititve edge my application has! I mean, c'mon, let me get some credit here! The downside is, if the said letter does find its way to my inbox/mailbox I will scream out in pain. Because a letter at the end of the admissions cycle can only be the worst way for them to make someone feel that when all's said and done you're as good/bad as the ones we rejected two months back!

So anyway few days back, I reached a funny sort of equilibrium. I now think it's a stage everyone must reach at some point of time in this process. It was when I finally stopped refreshing my email inbox page every 5 minutes to check for any updates from the unis. When I stopped going through the various online discussion forums where people submit their decision results. When I basically became numb to it all. It actually did happen to me. Honest. I just felt this strange kind of peace. No pain, no joy, no hope, nothing.

Then came yesterday, when very very very unexpectedly things took a turn for the better on the domestic job front. Needless to say I was stunned. That's the only word I have for it. And needless to say the entire extended family was ecstatic. Friends too. I was further surprised when the lambu sent me flowers and chocolates to celebrate with! :) How can I not like him?!

The thing is, I was happy too. Obviously.

But you know honestly it's changed the balace between my arguments for leaving vs staying on here, in favour of staying put. I've been able to try and be patient for the next few days but in the meantime I can't help but question What the f*** is going on God????! All the while that I wanted things to work out here, something or the other always came in the way. When I finally made up my mind about the PhD, then first you take the west coast option out of the picture. Now you want to change the picture all together?! Why? Why now ....

I know things don't always go according to plan. I also know that everytime this has happened in the past, it has had something good associated with it eventually. But I don't want to go through all of that again. I Just Don't. I Don't Want To Wait For That 'Eventually'. Maybe someone else could go through it for once. Or twice. Or whatever. Why me? Again and again and again ...

The lambu & I

This blog entry is about one of my most favourite people in the world.

I fought with the lambu. I'm always least proud of myself when I fight with him. Mainly because he's always been only the nicest to me. And still I fight with him. The thing is, it's not like I am consciously aware of even when the argument begins. As someone just said to me, "you never know what will anger him" ... So anyway we were just talking and then my internet stopped working and when it finally fixed itself a few hours later, I found a very cruel, very mean, very very cold mail from the lambu in my inbox. And see, that's the thing, I knew it wouldn't be pleasant. Still I read it. Again and again and again. I don't understand this implicit need to go on torturing myself! Also, with the lambu's e-mail's, it's like I'm reading an article for one of my lectures. At first when I read it, I only get the 'english' of it. Then I read it a few more times, and each time a little more of the context filters through to my understanding. So obviously by the time I was done getting all of it, I had experienced the entire gamut of emotions -

huh?!

wtf?!

excuse me but where did this email come from?

what does he think of himself?

fine we'll have it his way

does he think it's going to kill me? it's so not! I'll show him

no wait a minute, why should I listen to him in the first place

I am so not doing things his way!

Then I tried to draft a reply. And re-drafted it 7 times exactly. Then the internet stopped working again. I have no choice but to call it divine intervention. Because somewhere at the back of my mind I had been thinking of just sleeping over it. Which is what I did. Of course my sleep was very very disturbed, but that's better than sending out a reply which is all gibberish.

When I woke up, the internet was working again. So I log in to Gmail, quickly scan all the facebook updates in the inbox, just read the ones from him, which anyway were fairly non-threatening compared to the email of last night. I delete the rest of the updates, knowing they'll anyway show up on the Fb homepage. And get down to replying to that dratted email. By now, I'm mentally tired, and I have cried a few times. Still I send out 2-3 lines trying to sound all calm and composed and 'cool' with it all. Obviously I was anything but that. Still I sent that email. And then finished doing the daily rounds of Fb.

Back to the Gmail inbox, with that chat column on the left showing him online. I click on his name. And I begin to type. Then I get confused about what I want to say. Then a little bit of the ego comes in the way, why should I initiate this?! Then I close that window. And stare at his name again. Then after a while I take a deep breath, click again on his name, and being typing out my apologies. That then led to a conversation which is best left undisclosed. It brought up some very unexpected points and by the end of it I felt just so hurt (I mean, I know the guy was angry n all, but alot of what he said was totally uncalled for) that even my brain zoned out and all I could do was breathe.

So I breathed. Cried but only a little bit. The thing is, I know we fight, and that we disagree on more things that most people do. And that sometimes I do give him a hard time. But I've never thought it all this can beat us. And I still don't think so.

But then I guess that's just me ...

This is how you remind me...

(Wrote this sometime back. Don't know if this is the right time to put it out there, but I guess when in doubt, just do ...)

- a tiara

- you staying up the whole night when I got a reject from U**

- Delhi. Every single moment.

- the look on your face when you give in, just to let me have my way

- one dozen red roses

- big, warm bhaalu hugs

- momos

- A&F shirts

- gadgets

- 'save tonight'

- self control

- stripes

- you insisting you know more about Economics than me

- your patience every time I brought up the 'us' topic

- waking up in the middle of the night, to wake you up for your interviews

- never managing to hide anything from you

- making me laugh when I feel like crying

- me not being able to sleep a wink when you're pissed

- taking the word 'perceptive' to a whole new level

- the feeling I get when I hear your 'Heyy' when you call me at college

- trying to ask you to study for midterms when all I really want to do is talk instead

- you getting a job

- Twitter

- Levis jeans

- lots of photographs

- calvin & hobbes

- TED videos

- the moments you leave me speechless

- you asking how my day was

- me sharing anecdotes about my students' with you & you laughing at them

- Hidesign

- missing you like crazy when you fly

- missing you for no reason

- honesty

- fights

- resolving fights

- endless jokes

- differences

- feeling uncertain. scared even sometimes.

- hating to wake you up in the morning

- trusting you

- Re-reading our chats when you're asleep

- wanting to surprise you. Succeeding sometimes

- feeling shy

- pointless debates just to hear you laugh

- DDLJ ...someday

- wearing my hair down just because you like it

- knowing that you know me

.....etc ...etc ....etc

Post script -

- the last word

- egos

- timeframes

- big phonebills. for one of us

- 'The nicest thing'

- Books

- Compilers

- White shirts in particular

- hugs. a zillion times over.

- living with differences. Or trying to.

- West coast bad luck

- Cutting back. Time n again

etc ...etc ...etc

Next year is today

Love the Lambu!

Totally & Utterly!

Big one for the big guy

I think one of the most difficult phase of the 20s is the hunt for a job. It's made worse when all you're dying to do is begin working, earning, and possibly saving. It becomes hellish when the process of application & interviews leaves you questioning yourself in general, and your abilities in particular.

I don't know of too many friends who escaped this cycle, and the lambu is well, no exception.

So when he informed me that he has landed a job, I was super happy for him! I didn't scream or shout or cry though, as I & people around me had when I'd landed mine! But I felt happy. You know, the kind of happy that's just there inside of you, when you feel that someone has really got their due. And you sort of know what it means to them. How hard they worked for it, how badly they wanted it and how much they deserve it.

The lambu deserves every single tiny piece of good news that comes his way. This one ofcourse was a pretty big one. So here's to you lambu :) Hope this is just the beginning.

remember...

I have missed alot of people at different points of time in my life. Parents, when I was in the hostel, my friends from Mct when we shifted base to Del, S-C-P since we graduated, AB on numerous ocassions, RG when he was in the States, people I've gone on treks with, people I've worked/interned with.... I miss people fairly easily.

This time however the missing is almost as if someone has torn a part of me and taken it with themselves. There's a strange ache right from my heart to the pit of my tummy, and no matter how hard I try, I haven't been able to stop myself from crying. I know you had to leave, I've known it all along, there was no other way this could have been. Yet why can't I seem to stop saying 'I wish you weren't going away'... I know this won't kill me, and really its not as if you've died or something. But well I will miss being in the same time-zone as you, and how easy some things were because of it.

You've left me with a truckload of memories and I just don't know where to slot them in my mind/heart. I wouldn't exchange them for anything in the world. I do feel overwhelmed by it all.

So far...

It is turning out to be a magical december.

College has been at its most vibrant. December brings with it just the perfect weather to enjoy the city. The right mix of sunshine and a slight nip in the air. The university is buzzing with countless festivals - economics, history, english, sociology, movie screenings, dance/dramatics and what not! It does make me nostalgic. At the same time I do like being a part of this way. Especially their requests to be a judge :p Coursework is on track, but term-end is always tiring. Just the thought of all the loose ends that have to be tied together before we go in for the winter break is enough to exhaust one entirely.

This week was tiring also because RG & I were busy executing a surprise weekend getaway for the parents' anniversary. From their feedback so far, it seems to have been totally worth the effort :)

I have managed to watch a few movies, caught up with AB & D as well. AB's life has ended up getting alot messier than anyone could have imagined. Whatever happened to good things happening to good people, I wonder...

I've been surprised by myself in many ways recently. I've never been able to hide what I feel too well. But this time I seem to be setting new records for myself. While that in itself is astonishing, what's new is that somewhere I feel ok about it. Initially I did feel as though I was coming across as stupid/dumb/foolish, and while at some moments I did, usually I just feel like there's no point in holding back, in keeping it inside of me. Ofcourse the repercussions have been that the entire city has seen me grinning like a nutcase. The people at the metro station, the autowaalas, my students, colleagues, ma, friends (D said I've never looked like this!), and well a certain someone across a computer screen half way across the world.

Life can sometimes be so strange. It takes one unexpected turn and you have to figure it all out , all over again. I've realised it's best not to question some things. Sometimes you just can't do anything. Just have to let them happen. When they are meant to happen. If at all. This once, I am waiting, just to even hope/pray that it might work out...

Head over Feet

It's been long. So long that I've forgotten what it feels like. I'm surprised by the happiness. The warmth. The knowing-ness that comes with it. And fun. Loads of that! The attention & the flirting! I've been having random conversations with M, P & AB but even to them I haven't been able to convey what I feel.

I didn't expect it to happen. Not right now. Not like this! And I couldn't do anything about it. I did try to resist, but well... :)

Ipod is playing Alanis' Head over Feet...

...You treat me like I'm a princess

I'm not used to liking that

You ask how my day was

You've already won me over in spite of me

And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet

Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are

I couldn't help it

It's all your fault

:)

Reefknot is back in the blogosphere. And she has put down such a nice quote, do check it out! (nov 13th)

As for me, the world has changed. Significantly. It seems hard to believe!

december challenge...

The lambu has been ruthless for the past few days. And he's trying to woo my Ma! They gang up against me. Let december come...I will not let him win :p

I am in pain. And it's turning out to be very difficult to walk. So much for that cutie...!

A cousin of mine is shifting to Singapore this week. Needless to say we are all extremely happy for him. And the entire extended family is now planning for vacations in that part of the world! We went to meet him yesterday and I had to bandage my foot. When I was a kid I used to crave for those gauze and cotton bandages but my parents almost never felt the need for me to have one. RG would always get to flaunt them I remember.Ironic how this time I got a nice big bandage, and for once I didn't want it.

My lambu friend is back in the singles' club after quite a while. I almost don't believe it.

The list of univs for the PhD has been finalised. I feel I should narrow it down further, the applications will bankrupt me!

(Late) aao, khao, piyo, khisko

It was written that I meet lambu engineer today. Honestly. Considering that till last evening I was contemplating flying out to Bangalore.
A little bit of history is in order. I met the lambu several years back. I don't know which/who I remember more fondly - the big box of chocolates, the person who sent them, or the lambu who got them! However some things about him stood out even then, just as they do today. Firstly (and obviously) the height. Secondly the non-stop chatter (mostly self-praise). Thirdly an awsome sense of humour/wit. And the ruthless teasing. (We can leave out the brains for now.)
Oh and well, he's never ever on time. Never. Not then, not now.
He's also very rude. And one shouldn't try to be nice to him because it just goes waste.

Anyhow, so, after changing the time and venue a several hundred times, his highness made an entrance late in the afternoon, for lunch. We had a mini debate about whether or not I would finance his alcohol (you see, I'm the employed one here.). Thankfully they didn't serve alcohol in the area we were sitting at. He obliged me by ordering the starters. For main course (trust him) we had butter chicken & naan. There's nothing wrong with that. Except I am always reminded of this one conversation I had with D, where we both agreed that this particular food should only be eaten at home, in your night clothes because it's impossible to eat it without everything getting messy. Which was pretty much what happened - atleast to me.
What did we talk about? Well work/studies. Pros and cons of living in the States. And the usual friendly banter (if I can call it that).
Oh, and either he has shrunk or I have become taller ;)