mid-semester reality check

What is it about the middle of every semester? The routine, the monotony, the prelims, the weather, the fatigue... it's as if the enthusiasm and steam with which I start the semester just begins to wear out. This semester though isn't half as bad as the ones that have gone by. Even so I find myself completely dejected and a little bit homesick. I'm getting to read alot for my research which is nice. I don't have any midterms. I don't have tons of homework. Ithaca's winter has been...missing this time, so it can't be the weather. I've finalized a new apartment to move into, my parents are vising in May and I will be off for some very exciting fieldwork in the summer. So then what is it really?!

I feel I have to push myself to do anything at all. Clean the house. Do the laundry. Cook. Gym. All I want to do is stay in bed and watch one movie after another .... seriously...

Well..I guess it's just...the middle of the semester. 'That's all I have to say about that'.

Whatever

My Q is in three days. Finally the balance seems to be showing itself. The last two weeks have been confusing. Add to that being the only one studying when everyone's enjoying the break, and graduation and everything associated with it. I have to admit though, there is something very sweet about watching others graduate. It's really endearingt, how one graduate is typically surrounded by atleast half a dozen people from his/her family! Thankfully we had a sunny weekend for graduation..... in fact most would agree it was a bit 'too warm'!

Annie has moved off-campus, did I write about that? It's strange not having him right next door. Especially when i run out of groceries! But jokes apart, now that he's away I realize just what a huge support he's been. And I miss him already, even though he's just down two streets from me. I wish he didn't have to go back at the end of summer.

Totoro has been really nice, very understanding especially in these pre-Q days. He keeps telling me to stick with it, to believe I can do it, to not freak out, and to always remember there are others' worse off ('look at the Econ guys, they have a Q for micro AND macro'!). The thing is, all that he says is what someone else might say to me but the fact that he's been through all of this himself just makes it all the more comforting.....

That apart, here's something about my writing. I feel like ever since I've gotten here, I seem to hold back when it comes to posting here. I'm unable to write as freely as I could back home. I don't know why that is. Is it because I often want to vent out my frustration at people who actually I'm the closest to? And so I'm worried they might read it?! Is it because sometimes, I don't want to come across as being too miserable, or weak or even needy maybe? Is it because I may come across as just cribbing about the same thing(s) over n over again?! Or is it that I (and others) will realize how I've changed over this past one year, in many ways (i think) for the worse? That I might actually be sort of ashamed of it?!

Ok, so I know the answer to all these is a yes, to some extent, if not a large one! But so what, right? I mean, this is my space. I should be able to say whatever I want, when I want, how many times I might want to! Then why do I suddenly feel so vulnerable when it comes to writing about some things? I used to think that being able to write without abandon reflected a strength, in some ways, in as much as you are putting yourself out there, sometimes with things that are very personal. But now I find myself shying away.... I guess this is bothering me probably because there is so much on my mind right now and I don't have anyone to talk to. And I can't write it down here either.....

Maybe it's time to un-do some things.....

Turning 27....

Oh, I didn't blog about the birthday now, did I? Well :p Let's see.

I had to call up Ma and remind her that even though she's with her favourite child, she could wish me since it was time :p

M as usual, just gave me a 'missed call'! :D Trust the woman to do that! However it was awesome as always to listen to her blunt sarcastic take on life!

P & C called ...well P texted (I suppose that's better than a missed call!) and C called, all the while reminding me what a favor he was doing to me :p

Spoke to AB, always been the first one to wish me :) And then AA ....and Guppy who called up a day later so I could 'still feel special' :)

Ofcourse, I was scared out of my wits at midnight when the gang here turned up at my house. I was home alone, given the mice-infestation problem we had in out apartment recently. (Yes, when I say some of my roomies are not clean, I mean it.) I didn't expect these guys to do anything really, I mean .... they are guys after all.... so hearing a loud, nonstop banging on my front door brought me shaking to the living room, with (and yes, I know this is ridiculous) a shoe for protection from who I thought were a bunch of goons outside! However it was these sweethearts :p All with a cake, some presents and the usual dose of humor :D They even made me dinner the next day.... which was really sweet of them since everyone had a ton of work that weekend.

But it some small way it was disappointing too. It was probably just me.....

In any case, I'm just glad there's another birthday memory to replace last year's.

I hate doing laundry in this country. I detest it. There's nothing more annoying, and I mean, nothing, than having to lug a whole bag full of clothes to and fro .... what makes it worse is when it's snowing outside/raining outside/cold outside - all of which happen here quite often.

The second worst thing is falling ill. I've just recovered from a terrible flu, and there is nothing more impairing than being brought down by some small but very powerful virus. It's like your whole system just shuts down. Can't cook, can't study, can't step out..... and imagine having to do laundry then!!! That is when you know your life is having one of those rock bottom moments.

Spring!

With just the tiniest bit of reservation (given the utter uncertainty of weather here), I dare say that spring is finally here. And it sure has been worth the wait. The world seems to be awakening after so many cold, grey, snowy months. Trees that were barren and brown for so long now have baby leaves sprouting from their branches. Flowers are blooming as though they just can't wait anymore to spill out of the buds. And oh the cherry blossoms! Ho Plaza is lined with them and there is nothing more 'springy' than an avenue lined with pink, delicate cherry blossom trees. I never tire of being amazed at how different the world looks when the sun shines. The colors are brighter, the wind is warmer, the sky is more blue and in general, everything feels so pleasant and ....right.

We're done with the semester. How time flies. Good times though, inspite of all the tough moments. Another week of finals, and another month for the Q. Wonder what lies ahead of that ...

:)

Dear world,

I can't believe I'm home on a Friday afternoon and not working! Although it's just been a month since this semester began, it feels like much longer. The good thing about it is though that I can really appreciate one day of no work. Like, I've earned it! It's like there's something in the air that's consciously saying to me - Hey, no work for you today! :) No homework, no grading, no studying, no prelims...just for today :) Only a grad student could appreciate the magnitude of what I'm trying to say right now!

Reminds me of this conversation my roommate had when someone on a bus asked her if she was an undergrad here. She said no, i'm a graduate student. and so this person said to her "oh i'm so sorry... you must have no life at all!" :p

Another time two students in the class I'm TA-ing asked me "...so, is it like, scary, being a PhD student?!" :D When I recounted this to D, she said 'you know, apparently its evident to everyone but us'!!

It's been snowing like crazy since last night. We all woke up to a land bathed in white. And I'm guessing the same thought went through alot of people's minds as they looked outside their windows today morning - f*** what on earth happened to the weather overnight! I trudged back from campus in the snow, and for some reason actually enjoyed it. Isn't it ironic though? That probably on one of the worst days in this city, I found it be ... almost special? Reminded me of when it would rain in Delhi - I do really believe that at least sometimes it rained only for me. I know it sounds presumptuous but honestly, I can't recount the number of times the rain would just soothe my ... spirit....

Oh before anything else, I found a surprise something in my mailbox today! Big thank-you hug to reefknot ! Totally made my day!

Speaking of friends, Div is back from the honeymooning, so we are going to be chatting this weekend :p And if M is free, I'm hoping she'll pick up :D :D

I would write about the ones who make up my world here but for sometime I've been feeling like I want to be left alone.... or maybe I'm just imagining it. Either way let's just say they're all doing good.

Grad Speak some more....

Annie - "you know what kapoora is, right?"

Everyone - "no..."

Annie - "it means balls..."

Teevie - "oh great! Next time I go to a bar I'll say to some guy, if you're a real man, show me your kapoora!!"

Adloo - "...poora ka-poora"!!! :D

.............

Sudden strangeness

It's been three days since classes began and for some reason everything just seems alien to me. I don't know if it's the snow, the gloomy sky, the cold or even just a little bit of homesickness (like, very very little). It's unsettling because I still haven't picked all my classes; also because I am anything but excited about the course I am TA-ing for this semester. I seem to get the blues just thinking about it. Add to that the mental process of beginning to think of finding an advisor and then the impending Qs.

In many ways I'm glad to be back. My room, my three musketeers (TV, Annie, Adloo), and this town. What I've completely forgotten is to basically use my arms and legs for any kind of work! I get drained after 3pm and what's worse, I can actually fall asleep at that time if I let myself - and not wake up at night!

I know it'll all fall into place, and I know it's going to be sooner than later, but for now I'm just feeling really out of place.

Bas yun hi....

I feel like I haven't written for quite some time. I don't have anything specific to write about. My life seems to revolve around homework assignments, midterms, cups of chai, realising the cold isn't all that bad, leaving the library on the rare sunny days and throwing in a bit of music or movies when I can. And praying. I find myself reaching out for the prayer book at times. And it does calm me. Just like walking around this campus. Thank goodness for the trees, lakes, blue skies, birds and squirrels. It nourishes my soul like nothing else can. This past weekend was probably the most relaxed it's ever been here. We had no homework, no midterms to study for. Initially it felt unreal and liberating. After a day though, I wanted it back - the busy pace, with so many things to do that my time was filled with work from morning to evening, so I didn't really have to think of what to do with my time. I wonder if that's a good thing ....?

I just realised how time flies by. It's mid-november already. In about a month, I'll be home. I somehow can't believe it. I do so badly want to see ma & papa again. But I also know I've changed. Not a lot, not fundamentally. But in some ways, I can feel it. And it's going to be interesting, this first visit back home :D

Guppy might visit me next weekend. RG is going to be here around thanksgiving. It should be good fun, to have some family around. Although I'm beginning to wonder just what constitutes family. My friends here, they make up an analogous set of people for me now. I know I'll miss them as much as I miss people from dilli once I'm home. Isn't that strange? It's like you make a family for yourself wherever you go. Which is comforting.

There are some other things I want to write about, but I can't bring myself to :p I'm still trying to understand them myself.

Alot of people had told me that upstate NY 'is beautiful during the fall'. I would just look at them and say ok, if you say so. For me, fall has been about green trees turning yellow-brown and crunching on fallen neem and peepal leaves. It has also been a fairly brief period of time for most of the years. I used to look forward to it back home, also because it marked the onset of winter and a whole load of festivals!

Here though, fall takes on a whole new meaning. It's bright and it's incredible. It's teasing and tormenting, beautiful and quirky at the same time. For a month now we've been watching as the leaves subtly change shades. Wishing the process would speed up. But it takes it's own sweet time in showing all it's colours. Gradually the air has begun to cool down and the sunshine seems so much more precious all of a sudden. The green grass is covered by a carpet of reds, browns and yellows. I have never seen trees that are bright red, stark orange or just beautiful golden yellow. On days when the sky is a clear blue and the sun is shining, there's something in the air that makes you want to go for a walk around campus, with squirrels, a hawk and a friend. And sit by the statue of White/Ezra in the arts quad. Or gaze at the lake from one of the windows in the 'harry potter library'. Or crinkle up your nose at the smell of rotting leaves after it rains.

Fall is like a spectacular farewell before winter sets in. It makes me realize how much beauty there can be in an end. It's like a little piece of heaven on earth. And I'm thankful I can experience it.

More Grad speak

After the concert at Buffalo. At the dinner table -

Friendly neighbour#1 - "oh look, my fork and knife have a magnetic field"

Vid - "Did you comb your hair with the fork?!"

.......

My mentor, El, speaking about her eye test -

"...I had a two hour eye test today"

Friendly neighbour#3 - "why what's wrong with your eyes?"

El - " What's wrong with them...." ..."I'm blind!" "So my doctor said that well, your this eye is blind ....and the other eye is ....double blind!" "So my number keeps increasing ...and I'm like yo dude, what's up with you?!"

.......

At the start of my TA class -

Nate - "All those who are in 1210, take the seats to the right or center"

Random student#1 - "1210? What's that?"

Randome student#2 - "Am I in 1210? How do I know if I'm in 1210?!"

Nate - "Well if you're usually in this room on this day at this time every week, then you're in it"!

Friendly neighbour#1 - ".... what do you call that group? the least....?"

His friend - "..common denominator?!"

.........

"Come out on to the porch. It's where the cool kids are!"

......

Friendly neighbour#3 - "...I have Omkara. You should watch it if you haven't"

Friendly neighbour#1 - "ohhhhhh.... :) ....shiiit :( !!"

........

Email from friendly neighbour#2 just before he left for home from the department on a crazy rainy day - "kutti kameeni baarish!"

.......

Phone call from friendly neighbour#2 the night after lord buddha showed his sadistic side during Wednesday's quiz - "I just called to say that D.J. is a kutta kameena saalaa haraami"!!!!

......

Friendly neighbour#3 - "I'm telling you, if india & pakistan hadn't separated, we would have had the strongest batting line up...."

Friendly neighbour#4 - ".....and the best bowling line up too!"

Friendly neighbour#3 - "Damn Jinnah......" "....and Nehru" :p

I was a mess today morning. I just kept crying the whole time. Then I pushed myself to go out to the mall here. It was nice. Well, we got a whole load of freebies, including some very essential ones :D :D

Came back and I just broke down again. I couldn't help myself.

I then had to decide whether or not to go for this dept picnic we were having today. Spoke to a few people, who apparently had decided not to go. I almost didn't go. But something told me it would be better than sitting in my room and becoming even more miserable. So I went. And it was really nice. It was at a prof's place. Which was in the middle of nowhere. You could see the cayuga lake in the distance, and friendly green trees, and people, all around. And tons of food. I found myself laughing, genuinely, for the first time in a few days. Met alot of new people, had conversations with a few I'd met before. It was nice.

Some of us then got a ride back to campus to go for a get-together for new indian students. That was nice too! To meet your own kind and praise/crib/b**** about anything and everything, was nice. There was food and drinks. And punjabi and hindi music. Which I heard after more than a month. So I found myself singing along, and dancing to songs which I would have otherwise hated.

I realised that such days will come again. I know they will. But I know now that it's upto me, to let them get to me. Or to try to get out of it. It's not easy. But I guess like everything else, that's what makes it worth it.

Another week in Ith ends. It began with orientations and has ended with a glimpse of academics as they are to be for the next many semesters. Never in my life have I entered, and studied, in a library from day 2! Never. It helps though, that the libraries here are so nice that you almost don't feel leaving. That is, until you've had too much of a desktop and/or struggled too much with the homework. Even then, they're nice.

I've seen a movie - Some like it hot. Also went for another one but the undergrads beat us to it! Watched one at Mpwd tonight - Prince Caspian (chronicles of narnia). I went it, expecting nothing from it. I hadn't seen the first one. I realised though, after a long time, how almost all such stories have similar morals. I vaguely remember reading it as a child and it's queer how some, just very few things from the book came back to me as I watched the movie. There's this song in the end though, which just put me to tears.

Anyway, before I launch into that, here's the rest of the update. I've bought myself a huge big umbrella. Too bad even a drop hasn't poured since then! I walked around the B'lake today. It's a beautiful trail. Very calm and serene. Almost too calm, I got a bit scared to be honest. Then I went to the gym :) Finally. And I enjoyed it, building up a sweat after so long. Hopefully I can manage more of it. Oh, also the CC movie pass has been obtained. So have tickets to a few of the CCS events. And I'eve begun the homework. So far, so good.

So, about the song. Well, if you write (and sing) something like - (The call. Regina Spektor)

It started out as a feeling,

which then grew into a hope.

Which then turned into a quiet thought,

which then turned into a quiet word....

I'm bound to break down. I mean, c'mon, it's freaky how I end up listening to such songs. Is it just me?! And I don't even know why I reached my room in tears. Home? The lambu? Missing friends? What??!

This week's been difficult, in terms of the nostalgia. Infact the library's been the only place where I haven't felt it. Part of it is explainable, but mostly it's just like I know I'm torturing myself but I just don't know how to get past it. To be honest, it's not so much about home. I'm speaking to ma and pa almost daily. It's the one on the other coast. Every day I'm reminded of him. In so many little ways. Wherever I go on campus, something I hear or see around me invariably makes me long for him. For him to be here, for us to be something. I know I shouldn't. But I don't know what else to do.

Brooding on a weekend

Woke up to a rainy sunday morning. Chatted with parents while still in bed. The comforts of technology. I like weekends. I can speak to them without thinking of a zillion other things at the same time. Then I snuggled back into bed. I could hear the rain pouring outside my window. And through the blinds I could see how green everything was.

It's been a month since I left home and I am feeling nostalgic today. I'm missing my home, my parents, my friends, my city. I tried to distract myself by doing some dishes. But there weren't too many of those either. I've now moved from my room to our living room. The main door is open, so I can see dried leaves falling off from the trees, from time to time. The rain slows down at times, and then picks up again. I can see the light on in T's room two apartments' away.

Went to the 'dump n run' sale yesterday. It's where outgoing students leave behind all the stuff they don't need and the university, after sifting through it during the summer, sells it to the incoming class at dirt-cheap prices. And If you're really lucky, you can get really nice stuff! Which I did :D :D They sell everything from clothes, shoes, bedding, tableware, electronics etc.

We then had an orientation for incoming international grad students. Which was ok. We're getting better at picking up freebies :p Getting over the hesitation/shyness/wondering-what-others'-will-think :p So you can imagine how many apples each of us stowed away in our bags to bring home for the coming week. Or actually, I don't think you can imagine :D

So yes, I'm in the living room, listening to The Beatles. Snuggled in this lovely pink blanket I picked up yesterday. A quirrel almost entered our house and startled me more than I probably spooked it! I can see a deer standing still in the greens right behind our apartment. Sometimes I can't quite believe how quaint this place is! But today, inspite of it all, I'm missing home.

2 weeks old

Alright, so here's how it's been for the past two weeks.

Ith is, simply put, just beautiful. At this time of the year there's alot of sunshine, cool winds and the occasional rains. My apartment at Mpwd is a cosy place and the room isn't half as bad as the reviews on the internet. Plus I can see deer, rabbits, squirrels, cats, birds all around the place :)

The TA program turned out to be not so bad too! Met a whole bunch of people - Brazil, Chile, Iceland, Greece, China, S.Korea, French Canada etc. It was really nice since all of us were new to campus, all of us are international students - so similar concerns and experiences. Also realised that some of them are my neighbours :)

I figured out my dislike for cafeteria food here quite early on. Have moved from simple sandwiches to really yumm wraps for lunch. It's something I'm quite proud of :p Ofcourse I did cut my thumb today morning while trying to show off my cooking skills to mom through the webcam. So much for trying :p

We had our department orientation today. Honestly, it was scary. Like, it was overwhelming just how much work it actually is going to be. Also since I haven't interacted that much with people from my program, I don't feel exactly comfortable there right now. I keep telling myself how I've only known these people for like 2 days, and just like the TA group I guess eventually I will make friends here too. But that time period, till it happens, just seems so long. Sometimes I wish instead of all the baggage etc, I could have brought just one friend with me from home.

Right, so up until next weekend we have a whole lot of orientation/welcome events happening on campus. And I am going to try and see atleast one new part of campus every week :p I know there's a museum, an observatory, some plantations, chimes in the clock tower.... atleast. Oh and the fitness centres for sure! Although I don't think you need them, what with all the slopes on campus which you just cannot avoid. But it's also funny how easily you get used to them.

The CU campus is kind of a surprise really. It's not like a homogenous set of buildings and that took me some time to get used to. But it does have a charm of it's own. There are certain parts of campus which have those really old buildings, the ones that look like they've been standing since forever. And then you have all this modern construction happening as well. The Beebe lake is adorable, and the waterfall/gorge is just beautiful.

I'm getting used to doing the groceries, figuring out what to buy and how much. And the laundry. Which today was very frustrating since the clothes came out half-dry from the dryer. I cursed the world for the 1.45hrs I spent waiting for it when I was so dead tired.

I've been to the most popular bar for grad students here. Twice. Others go there every second day. I really can't understand why. I've been to Buttermilk falls, and Lake Treman - that was a nice day, spent it hiking from morning to evening. I've been to several grocery stores except the biggest one here - it's too far from home :p I've been to one of the malls and soon I need to go shopping for clothes :) Just waiting for the first paycheck :D :D

I'm not missing home all that much. I suppose I just haven't had the time to. But ya, on weekends, especially sundays, I do think of home. And I do miss it. More than just a little bit. But I also know that this time, this opportunity is totally worth it. So I guess it's ok.

Trying to look for housing in Ithaca. Getting a little tired of it, to be honest. If nothing else, atleast I know the names of the streets and what the map looks like! I have to admit I'm looking forward to it. My own place. Getting to budget things. The implicit assumption being I will not go into deficit! Thinking of how much I would want to save. What all I'd like to do on campus. Wondering if I will be able to make time for everything else.... there is so much to do there, so much to see! Wishing I were going there as an undergrad! :p

Also a little anxious. New place. New system. No friends!

But well, thousands have done it before me. I'll live :)

Have you ever felt so happy that it scares you? Like every moment of that happiness just seems so fragile? And you just wish you could hold on to that one moment for a little longer and you keep thinking of ways to do that, but all the while you're constantly haunted by the thought that it could be taken away from you in less than a second? Have you ever felt like that?

I've had too much of good news over the past 10 odd days. Too much. Way too much. I don't think I deserve all of it. I don't want all of it. Not all at the same time. It's way too unbelievable! I'm happy though. And everyone around me is proud. Nothing much to say really, except I'm headed to the Big Red :)

Finally.