I woke up today morning. Minus the headache and tears. I thought I would be ok. Then I spoke to my dad. He asked me how the weekend was, what all we did. I know he was trying, in his own way, to make me feel better, but it didn't help. I was back in a pool of tears.

Then we began watching Parenthood which is this adorable programme on TV. And so this one guy gives a slip of paper to this girl. She opens it and it says 'Will you go out with me?' Then is has three options below - yes, no, maybe. That one scene reminded me of him. again.

I now have to take a bath. My aunt told my cousins to take me out for lunch. I can't believe how sweet they all are being about this. But I don't want to go. I look at my clothes and remember how I spent hours agonising about what to wear when he was around. The footbridge behind their house will remind me of how he held me, right in the middle of it and teased me about wanting him dead. And then how we walked to the other side, sat down and talked. Or tried to.

It hurts so much. I wish I could just erase some of those memories. But then again, some of them do make me smile. I know he didn't do any of this intentionally. But it hurts more than what his hugs, calls and emails can fix right now. I'm glad we'll be friends. I know what it's like to go down this road and lose a friend in the process. But right now... I just wish he was here.