I was a mess today morning. I just kept crying the whole time. Then I pushed myself to go out to the mall here. It was nice. Well, we got a whole load of freebies, including some very essential ones :D :D

Came back and I just broke down again. I couldn't help myself.

I then had to decide whether or not to go for this dept picnic we were having today. Spoke to a few people, who apparently had decided not to go. I almost didn't go. But something told me it would be better than sitting in my room and becoming even more miserable. So I went. And it was really nice. It was at a prof's place. Which was in the middle of nowhere. You could see the cayuga lake in the distance, and friendly green trees, and people, all around. And tons of food. I found myself laughing, genuinely, for the first time in a few days. Met alot of new people, had conversations with a few I'd met before. It was nice.

Some of us then got a ride back to campus to go for a get-together for new indian students. That was nice too! To meet your own kind and praise/crib/b**** about anything and everything, was nice. There was food and drinks. And punjabi and hindi music. Which I heard after more than a month. So I found myself singing along, and dancing to songs which I would have otherwise hated.

I realised that such days will come again. I know they will. But I know now that it's upto me, to let them get to me. Or to try to get out of it. It's not easy. But I guess like everything else, that's what makes it worth it.

So I fly out of this nice, green, sunny city tomorrow. And finally get to unpack my bags by saturday night. I am looking forward to it. My apartment, my room, my new laptop! And the campus and place and classes :)

I also feel a little scared though. But I guess that's ok. Leaving this house cannot be worse than leaving delhi, for sure. I also know that from time to time I will think of the lambu. But honestly I'm trying my best to deal with that. Ith should be a good place though, for a new beginning, in more ways than one.

It's finally happening :)

They say ...

They say the breaking of glass is an auspicious sign - Well it did.

They say if you really wish for something, you get it - Duh...pretty obvious I'd say! Of course it includes things like surprise presents, all of which you needed/wanted!

They say it's a good omen if it rains before you do something that big/special. - It did.

I'm sure somewhere in the world they say it's harder to say goodbye the closer you get to it. Well even if they don't, I'm saying it now. It's so hard that it's difficult to not think about it. So hard that I can't be strong anymore.

It's my last night at home. I've had an insane few last days. And today was the last of many goodbyes (well there are two more happening tomorrow, but I'm too exhausted to do anything about that). I'm physically very tired. Mentally I'm pooped trying to pack my bags according to stupid AA baggage specifications. I swear I'm never flying with them again.

My cousins just left. My naani's sleeping in the same room as the one I'm sitting in right now. Thankfully the lights are turned off. I can't help but cry. Too bad I can't sniff though! She'd wake up in a second.

Oh by the way, my friend Reefknot has blogged for me. It can't get sweeter than that, can it?!

Tomorrow is going to be quite something. . How will I ever say goodbye?

I've been putting off writing this post for a long long time. Can't hold it in any longer I guess :(

The last few weeks have been simply exhausting. To the point where if someone mentions the words 'shopping' or 'lets meet sometime' I automatically say a 'no'. I have no energy left to think of a day, time and place that would be mutually convenient. Plus the heat wave acts as a natural deterrent.

I've said my goodbyes. To friends. Family. Family friends (and I realised they are more family than friends - something I didn't admit to earlier). I've eaten all my favourite foods everywhere I went. I've received some really nice presents too. I've been hugged and kissed a zillion times and been wished goodluck, do well, take care of yourself.

The thing is, this whole leaving-home process really makes you realise just how many people and places and things make up your life. I've been trying to squeeze mine into a few weeks and I still have a long list of people who I know I won't get to meet in time. That makes me sad.

I'm done with all the shopping and in a day or two the bags should be packed. I know once I reach there, all the new stuff I have will not matter. The clothes, shoes and whatnot will not be half as nice as all of my old stuff put together back home.

My parents are having a tough time too. The whole letting-go process. Mom's been way too hyper (emotionally and otherwise). Dad's barely saying anything these days. It's draining at times, to be able to talk to them while keeping everything light and funny and convincing them that they'll be ok. That I'll be ok.

Actually it's the grandparents also. hmm ... I find it amusing though, how my grandfather always gives me this one piece of warning - 'shikaayat nahin aani chahiye wahan se' (they shouldn't complain about you there) - I got to hear this when I was in school. Then when I joined college. Even when I began to work! And now again ... :)

But the truth is, I'm very scared too. I know I have people there for me, and a whole lot of other resources and that I will be crazy busy sooner than later. But I'm still scared. I don't want to leave. My family. Grandparents. Home. City. Country. I'm going to miss so many things about this random insane infuriating country! The noise. The neem trees. The monsoons. The festivals. The people, my people. The monuments. The travels. Actually alot more. I just can't seem to write it all down right now.

I'm realising that maybe Aerosmith's 'Dont wanna miss a thing' was written & sung for such moments ... damn them.

Why do I feel like eating a whole pizza right after gymming? It defeats the purpose doesn't it? And yet almost every day I have a craving for a pizza or momos or chowmein! My mouth starts watering just at the thought of it. But then I say a 'no' to myself. Firmly. And try to find happiness in a glass of cold chocolate milk. Is this a sign of becoming older? Or wiser? :p

I also, right now, have this urge to go and crash at my nani's house. But well that's not happening soon. Atleast not till my VI later this week.

And well, today I am missing you. Sort of. Like alot.

Chicken little

I can't sleep. I haven't been sleeping well for a long time now. Everyday I think it might be because I slept alot during the day. But it's not that. I mean, that can't explain why I find myself in tears almost every night, way after everyone else has gone to sleep.

And well the crying itself has been so mixed up. But lately it's more and more to do with just one question - how on earth will I survive in the US? And, what on earth was I thinking that I wanted to do a Phd, and that too from so far away from home? This is what you get ms. smartypants for answering everyone who asked you 'why don't you do it from jnu?' with a 'no it just doesn't drive me enough'. Blah! Rubbish!

So my thoughts begin with how I will feel when I eventually do land in ithaca. I won't know a soul. I won't know a single street or store and I won't feel any love for any gorge or waterfall or lake that they might have there. I won't recognise a single face, I won't hear even one familiar voice, I don't even know how long it'll be before I hear someone speak hindi. I'm also scared of getting the TB test done there all alone. And what if someone breaks into my apartment one night and just kills me? This thought for some reason comes to my head every single night. Add to that things like what if I'm the dumbest in my class? And what if I don't get the E of Econometrics? What if they just ask me to go back? Or what if I just flunk.

I won't know anyone nearby at all. The closest will be a few other people a few hours away by plane on that dratted east coast. Oh god, please remind me why I was even excited about all this, ever?

Went to the ashram yesterday. It was Baba's birth anniversary. So they had alot of people speaking up about their experiences with him. One of those people was my naani. Honestly I was amazed by the tales she had to tell! That my own family had known him, seen him, spoken to him and how all of those things involved an element of wonder or surprise or mircles even. I was too tired to blog last night. And I'm still sleepy although it's morning. So will hold on to the rest of the thoughts for now. Oh and it's finally rained. Baba might just be the reason we love the rains so much....

I'm almost glad now, that the Walden ashram won't be too far away from where I'll be :)

waiiiiiiiitttinggg

Alright. So I've been putting this off for quite a bit, but this is it. Really. I've been waiting to hear about my apps for the past few months now. The good bit is that not so many rejections till now means I would have survived several rounds of those, by now. The not so good news is that the wait is driving me nuts. It doesn't help that I had the week off from work.

I tried to keep myself busy, I really did. But honestly, nothing has worked. I pick up a book only to put it down after struggling to read a few pages. I begin a movie and pause it a zillion times just to check my email. I've been out with friends, but the whole time just thinking of what time and day it would be in several places in the US and therefore would there possibly be someone who would send out an email just when I'm not at home! I've begun sleeping alot more just to stop thinking about it, but now I'm just very over-slept and little else.

I don't want to talk to anyone about it. There really isn't much that people can say which they haven't already. I also don't have any answers to others who have begun enquiring about the status of the applications.

It's the worst kind of wait ever. Worse than the time I submitted the apps. Worse than most other things i don't like. It's a kind of anxiety you can understand only if you've been through this process. Why is it taking them so long? What if I don't make it? Am I really not that competent? What was I even thinking, applying there in the first place?! I couldn't be that bad an applicant, could I? What about funding?

Aaaaahhhh.... please god please (as M would say). Please! Just let me know. Whatever it is, just let me know. Please ...

This is the third blog in a day. It has got to be the hormones.

So, if you've read the previous two blogs you will know I fought with the lambu & got emotional over another person's email. And it hasn't even been three hours since I woke up.

RG is having his eyes checked up. It's very rarely that he discusses it, and even more rare that he shows his fears regarding it. Today morning apparently both happened. Ma has just unburdened herself to me, and bloggie is where I unburden my mind and soul. Hence this ...

So he's having two check ups done today. No one should have to worry about such things, especially not him. Not at this time. You can't do this to doctors. It's not fair.

The thing is, it's scary. And I'm sure it must be worse for him. And at times like these, coming from a doctors' family really doesn't help. Trust me.

Anyway I am not resting till someone tells us exactly what needs to be done, what precautions need to be taken, and how it will/won't affect his career as a doctor. And all of this needs to be clarified before he goes away to that awful country. Sometimes i wonder why do we even want to go there?

Which brings me to my second set of concerns. (You'd think the hormones would give me a break now atleast ...)

If RG & I both move out, which seems pretty likely, then it's a difficult thought to think of all those who we'll leave behind here. If anything, this is the time we need to be around, and support them the way they have been there for us, for our every need, all these years. At some level I do feel a little selfish. But then I also know that, like the lambu said, our parents also want the best for us ...

But still, I worry about what we would do if anything were to happen, on either side of the world. I wonder how many families have sort-of-sleepless nights once they're scattered? Or do they just get used to it?

They say anything worth having is worth fighting for. They also say if you really want something, then the entire universe conspires for you to get it.

I was believing the first statement till sometime back. Then it was as if I just got tired of fighting. With people. For things. For things to happen. I got tired of trying not to feel disappointed, of still finding ways to hope, again and again. I guess somewhere I realised it shouldn't be so hard, so difficult. And so for sometime now, I've begun letting go. Of the hope. I just wanted to step back a little.

In that scenario, I find myself being taken by surprise a little too much, all of a sudden. The kind words have become kinder. The understanding tone has become alot more than just understanding. The teasing and jokes have been supplemented with a different kind of talk all together. Some actions are leaving me stunned almost. Some topics have not been easy to discuss. But I'm glad there is space for that discussion as and when the need arises.

I am beginning to get a tiny glimpse into a kind of perspective that, while I had hoped for it, is leaving me speechless nonetheless. I do so want to believe in it a lot more than I'm letting myself. Maybe with time I will be able to understand why I feel scared by it right now. Until then the forces of nature may kindly step in. Now would be a really good time.

Dear God

Dear God,

Today is one of those days when I just want to say so many things but I just am unable to. I'm unable to bring myself to talk to friends. Definitely not family. I thought I'd just tweet about it but even 140 characters seem too much to fill.

Hence this piece of writing is being directed at you.

God, I'm exhausted. I'm hurt. I'm angry. I'm disappointed. Disillusioned too. If nothing is perfect then why do we take so much time to try and make it seem so? And for once please clarify, is love by itself enough? If so, how much enough is it? Because honestly I'm beginning to feel it just doesn't matter. And that's like going against everything I've believed in for a long long time.

Also dear God, why does it often make me feel so so so so stupid about myself? And why is it that even though I should be thinking using my brilliant mind, I instead almost always choose to take a chance on what the heart is saying? Which then obviously results in everything becoming a mess. Invariably.

And God, since we are at it, what is the big deal about love anyway? Please just take me back to the time when its presence or absence didn't even matter one bit. When guy-friends were really just friends. And you just couldn't even think of falling for one of them. When you didn't find any of them cute or funny or interesting or nice in that way. And when there just was no other non-friend guy worth liking.

Of course if a lot of these things are irreversible, in which case even you, God, can't transport me back to that time, then kindly remind cupid that I too exist. I might be very small compared to alot of other people, and I might lead a small life, but that doesn't diminish my existence or its value.

God, just between you and me, I have met someone. He's a great guy, differences n all. So if it's not meant to be, then God you'd better have a damn good reason for it.

That's about it from me. For now. Since you are who you are God, all channels of communication are open to you. So I shall wait for a sign.

Jan 1st musings

Another 1st of January. It usually takes me the whole of today to go over all that happened in the past year, one last time. To assure myself that I did the best I could have, that it was ok if I felt bad. The sunshine filters through curtains that have changed from orange to red, in a new room as I hum along to the Eagles' Tequila Sunrise.

In 2010 I hope to be more giving, more tolerant, less impatient, more aware. I hope to not lose sight of all the things I have and all the people around me who really do love me unconditionally - and the sense of security it brings to my life. I hope to not lose my faith in the goodness of people. I hope I can be more accepting when things don't go my way, as they are bound to! I hope the next few months are worth the wait - I hope there are many more conversations, laughs, photographs, big phone bills, shorter sleep hours - I hope I can let go entirely knowing someone will be there to catch me.

I will fight less with ma. I will be a better friend. I will indulge myself. I will go for longer walks, buy fresh flowers just generally.

Oh, well happy new year's baby

We could probably fix it if we clean it up all day

Or we could simply pack our bags

And catch a plane to Barcelona 'cause this city's a drag

I may take a holiday in Spain

Leave my wings behind me

Drink my worries down the drain

And fly away to somewhere new

Fly away to someone new....

(Counting Crows)

2010 I hope you're kind to me and those I love most.

And the curtains fall...

2009 has just flown by. Yet there are moments of it which will stay with me forever. Or for sometime to come!

I have grown as a person, I have regained the sense of self that had gotten lost over the past few years. I am proud of my work, of what I do, and of myself.

I have discovered new things about myself. How long I will be tolerant, how far I will be pushed, how much I can take before I fight back....

I've discovered emotions I never knew I could feel. I've been red & pink!

I have come to appreciate people around me, I've realised its never too soon to say what you really feel about someone (because sometimes it might just be too late). I'm regaining my faith in love. I know, at the same time, that I can survive the process of letting go, painful as it might seem.

2009 has made me stronger, wiser, a little more realistic, alot more accepting....and leaves me with new hopes & dreams for 2010.

Happy holidays!

Mumbai 26/11 One Year On

It's one year today, from when the terror attacks happened at Mumbai. Memorial services are being held all over the country. There are call-in programs on TV, on the radio... I've just finished watching a short film, 'unn hazaaron ke naam', which has recounted the entire ordeal. It's as though we've had to go through it all over again. The young chef who lost his life at the Taj, the jewish baby who lost his parents, the hotel manager who lost his family... and the other thousands who felt that loss as their own.

I still remember how those three days had us glued to the TV and newspapers. There were moments when I just couldn't stop my tears. Not then, not today.

We lit a candle. There's something about candles isn't it? It stands for hope in the midst of so much helplessness. It stands for remembrance. and faith.

Death has it's own way

Yesterday the breaking news was the disappearance of Andhra Pradesh CM, YSR Reddy's helicopter. Today morning the breaking news was that dead bodies of all the five people on board have been found. It wasn't the Army, Air Force, ISRO, Tribal people, and all kind of hi-tech stuff that finally located the crash site. Instead it was the signal of one of the cellphones that survived the crash....
Tens of thousands of people have begun gathering at his residence, to pay their last respects. Today is also the last day of Ganesh Chaturthi.
Ma predicted it yesterday itself. I was a little more optimisitc. She called it youth. I suppose she's right.
It was also a chance for some of us to catch a glimpse of the Nallamalla forest. I for one had never heard of it till today, and I can safely say the media footage took by breath away. Such a large untouched expanse of forest area in our country...
We were talking about this at college, and JS mentioned that no matter how rich or poor one is; no matter how well known or obscure, in the end death has it's own way.

Allah Tero Naam

I was lying in bed today morning, soaking in the orange-yellow hues splayed across the walls of my room as the morning sun flitered through the curtains on the windows. I felt strangely at peace. And content. I began humming one of my favourite prayer songs - Allah tero naam.


(For an english translation, visit http://sacred-songs.blogspot.com/2007/06/allah-tero-naam.html)

I've never been a very religious person, a fact that can make it difficult to understand the religious fervour I often get to see in my country. I don't go temples unless I absolutely must (read pressure from Ma). And even then I prefer going to the ones which are the least crowded (In Delhi, just two - Birla Mandir, and Sai Baba's). I don't keep fasts. I don't even know the names and stories of all the Gods & Godesses we have - but I do know Lord Krishna is my favourite, and for me that's enough. I suppose it has to do with the atmosphere at home - my parents do believe in a God, and in doing good things and in staying honest. But it ends there. We've always had very very few rituals, ceremonies etc taking place at home. Somewhere science seems to have won over religion - something which Ma strives hard to correct, but we have a very long way to go. At the same time I find myself more open to the idea of going to the Ashram now than ever before. Considering Ma's side of the family has been involved with it since forever, you could say it's high time!

It took me a long time just to even acknowledge my faith in something/someone akin to God. Till I was at DU I felt that whatever happens to me is because of me, because of the choices I make for myself, the hardwork I do or do not put in. I still believe that. What has changed however is my acceptance of the fact that sometimes inspite of everything that I might think I control, things don't go my way - they turn out to be better or well, worse. In hindsight however I have always felt that what I had thought was the 'worse' was actually the 'better'. The need for faith also arises when I think of those times when I just could not understand why certain things happened the way they did - my accident, the surgery going wrong, the episode with C, the current nonsensical arranged marriage process, why AB's boyfriend had to die.....- and it is during those moments that the only thing I can do is to leave it all to someone/something else.

I don't know what prompted this blog. Maybe it's just having too many thoughts & ideas in my head about the kind of life I see for myself - and believing that there's nothing wrong with having all those ideas, and that it will work out when the time is right.