Chicken little

I can't sleep. I haven't been sleeping well for a long time now. Everyday I think it might be because I slept alot during the day. But it's not that. I mean, that can't explain why I find myself in tears almost every night, way after everyone else has gone to sleep.

And well the crying itself has been so mixed up. But lately it's more and more to do with just one question - how on earth will I survive in the US? And, what on earth was I thinking that I wanted to do a Phd, and that too from so far away from home? This is what you get ms. smartypants for answering everyone who asked you 'why don't you do it from jnu?' with a 'no it just doesn't drive me enough'. Blah! Rubbish!

So my thoughts begin with how I will feel when I eventually do land in ithaca. I won't know a soul. I won't know a single street or store and I won't feel any love for any gorge or waterfall or lake that they might have there. I won't recognise a single face, I won't hear even one familiar voice, I don't even know how long it'll be before I hear someone speak hindi. I'm also scared of getting the TB test done there all alone. And what if someone breaks into my apartment one night and just kills me? This thought for some reason comes to my head every single night. Add to that things like what if I'm the dumbest in my class? And what if I don't get the E of Econometrics? What if they just ask me to go back? Or what if I just flunk.

I won't know anyone nearby at all. The closest will be a few other people a few hours away by plane on that dratted east coast. Oh god, please remind me why I was even excited about all this, ever?