@26

It's my birthday today. I turn 26. At midnight I was woken up to a room full of flowers and a nice big chocolate cake. I was stunned. I wasn't the only one, everyone at home was too. Let's just say I couldn't have even imagined what it was like and how it made me feel. I am still to get over it! I felt very very special *blush* *blush*. The kinds I've never been made to feel ever before, by anyone.

26 ... that's, well, old! In many ways life is starting out for me right now. Soon it's going to be a new place, new faces, new experiences and a whole new level of winters! And in as many ways life has not gone according to plans I've made in the years gone by - I don't know how I feel about that. Mostly it's been for the best. But some things could have happened differently. Or maybe not. I guess I'll never know.

Anyway here's to another year.... may it be good to me :p

Have you ever felt so happy that it scares you? Like every moment of that happiness just seems so fragile? And you just wish you could hold on to that one moment for a little longer and you keep thinking of ways to do that, but all the while you're constantly haunted by the thought that it could be taken away from you in less than a second? Have you ever felt like that?

I've had too much of good news over the past 10 odd days. Too much. Way too much. I don't think I deserve all of it. I don't want all of it. Not all at the same time. It's way too unbelievable! I'm happy though. And everyone around me is proud. Nothing much to say really, except I'm headed to the Big Red :)

Finally.

'Like' iSaid

I've liked the lambu for sometime now. I mean, well, to be honest, I've liked him from day 1, but then there are different kinds of 'like' aren't there? :p

I'm surprised at myself really. I don't think I've ever put myself out there the way I have with this guy. It scares me at times you know. I feel really really vulnerable. Because somewhere he knows enough to probably break my heart one day. But at the same time I also feel a strange sense of comfort. That he knows enough for me to not have to pretend anything with him. My likes, dislikes, irrationality, moods - it's who I am and he knows it.

We talk alot. As much as is possible given the constraints of work/study, sleep and meals. Ma often asks me what we talk about. More often than not I find it difficult to be specific. Sometimes our conversations are fun and teasing. Sometimes they're so serious it's almost depressing! We disagree mostly. We are two very different people, so I'm not surprised. But I like those differences you know. I don't think they're the kinds that take away something from either of us. I feel they just complete the rest of us. But then, that's just me.

There's another reason why I enjoy myself with the lambu. Sometimes it's nice not to have to do everything on my own, it's a relief not to have to go through everything alone. It feels good to really be able to share the disappointments .... I can just say "it's not fair" and he'll let me be silent for a while. Or I can just ask him to shut up and he just rephrases whatever he was saying and I don't mind it so much then. He lets me be irrationally angry at the world and still talks to me after that as if I said nothing out of the ordinary. Yet I know he knows what I meant.

Ofcourse, the celebrations are just so much better with him around! Even though he's really far away, the way he tells me he's proud of me... it's the way only three other people in my life do.

Sometimes I wonder about it. I mean, c'mon, men really can't be like that, can they? :p

Sometimes I feel he's nearer than alot of my friends here. Is that weird?

Sometimes I wonder why it feels to good to be true.

Sometimes I also wonder if he feels the same way?

But whatever it is, I know I've found a best friend in him. I read somewhere that as a girl you're really lucky if you have one girl-best-friend. I guess I'm luckier then ... I have several girl best friends and now, the most awesome guy as one too.

Ofcourse this doesn't mean I love him or anything. Nope. Thank you very much but I am staying clear of that totally irrational, unexplainable, hopelessly impossible thing! :p

I admit that for a moment I mixed up my personal and professional reasons for moving out. It's taken me a few days to separate the two and rediscover my original reasons for wanting to pursue a Phd, from another country and so on... But I've realised I can't entirely keep it separate from the fact that it would undoubtedly take me closer to a certain someone somewhere in that country. That's what's confusing me. When I'd applied, the two lines were not as blurred as they suddenly have become.

I don't know if that's right or wrong. I don't know if I can do anything about it. I don't even know which option I'd survive better! Actually I think I would be uncertain now, irrespective of whatever happens now.

The thing is, I am feeling very sad right now. Very very sad. The kinds where I feel that something inside me is just about to burst. The kinds where I've basically just been crying - while watching those utterly stupid romantic movies on the laptop. while lying in bed after having just woken up. while having breakfast all alone at home in the mornings. I either cry. Or sleep. And I think the latter is the outcome of the former.

The thing is, initially I thought it's the wait that's killing me. But it's a little more than that. It's having to wait when I have never felt more certain of things than I feel right now. I know a PhD is a killer of a programme, but I just know that this is the right time for it. For me. I know I might be wrong about the lambu, that he might not be the right one for me. But something tells me that's not it.

What's frustrating is that, is it only me who can see all this?! Or is it that there's something else which I am just refusing to see?

Either way, I now don't care if it'll still all be ok. I don't even care how people define "ok" anymore. Because it won't be ok. Not for me. No matter how anyone might choose to look at it. I don't want to be bothered about anything anymore. Because now it doesn't make a difference to me what happens. Even if I do get to go, whether or not things work out or not, here or there, I am just sick of hoping for it to work out. I am tired of waiting for things to happen. Because honestly I've done what I could and I don't want to wait anymore. Not another year, not another week and not till April 15th. It shouldn't be so hard. It just shouldn't.

You know, all I'd like is a little certainty in my life and I don't think I'm asking for too much. Not this time.

deeeep breath ...

Alrighty. To be honest, I've been putting this off for quite sometime now. But I just can't take it anymore!!

Till about ten days back I was insanely anxious to hear from a bunch of US Universities I considered myself worthy of applying to. Ofcourse by then most places had sent out a letter of rejection to me. And if you've never received one, I'm afraid there's jus no way for you to know just what it feels like. It's unlike any other kind of 'rejection' you might receive. It hits you at a different level all together. Basically it makes you feel like the worst kind of scum on this planet. And the plethora of thoughts running in your mind essentially boil down to two alternating thoughts - "am I really that bad?!" versus "What was I thinking, applying to them?". And the thing is, it doesn't get better with time. It actually gets worse, letter after letter. So even though you tell yourself that you can take it, tha you won't let it get to you and all that crap, even you know you're lying to yourself. And you know it when that one tiny tear inevitably escapes your eye.

The up-side is since I'm waitlisted at two places, there's still hope. It gets better since both the places are rather good for what I want to study. And since I haven't received 'the' letter till now, it has to reflect some competititve edge my application has! I mean, c'mon, let me get some credit here! The downside is, if the said letter does find its way to my inbox/mailbox I will scream out in pain. Because a letter at the end of the admissions cycle can only be the worst way for them to make someone feel that when all's said and done you're as good/bad as the ones we rejected two months back!

So anyway few days back, I reached a funny sort of equilibrium. I now think it's a stage everyone must reach at some point of time in this process. It was when I finally stopped refreshing my email inbox page every 5 minutes to check for any updates from the unis. When I stopped going through the various online discussion forums where people submit their decision results. When I basically became numb to it all. It actually did happen to me. Honest. I just felt this strange kind of peace. No pain, no joy, no hope, nothing.

Then came yesterday, when very very very unexpectedly things took a turn for the better on the domestic job front. Needless to say I was stunned. That's the only word I have for it. And needless to say the entire extended family was ecstatic. Friends too. I was further surprised when the lambu sent me flowers and chocolates to celebrate with! :) How can I not like him?!

The thing is, I was happy too. Obviously.

But you know honestly it's changed the balace between my arguments for leaving vs staying on here, in favour of staying put. I've been able to try and be patient for the next few days but in the meantime I can't help but question What the f*** is going on God????! All the while that I wanted things to work out here, something or the other always came in the way. When I finally made up my mind about the PhD, then first you take the west coast option out of the picture. Now you want to change the picture all together?! Why? Why now ....

I know things don't always go according to plan. I also know that everytime this has happened in the past, it has had something good associated with it eventually. But I don't want to go through all of that again. I Just Don't. I Don't Want To Wait For That 'Eventually'. Maybe someone else could go through it for once. Or twice. Or whatever. Why me? Again and again and again ...

Whatever

I don't want to have to choose. I want the choice. But I don't want to be the one choosing. And I can't have both. I mean obviously, life can't be that simple now, can it? I don't understand why things have to happen just when I would not want them to. How can it be that something which should make me happy, doesn't all that much?

Could my life possibly get more weird? God? Are you there? Don't you think it's high time you stepped in?