That particular time ...

Somewhere along the way I slipped. Not that someone pushed me. No. I let myself slip. All the while thinking I had my feet firmly on the ground. But I didn't. And so I fell. And got hurt where it hurts the most.

What is it with men and their confused selves anyway? Why are they most responsive only during the chase - whether it's them chasing you or vice versa. And what gives them the right anyway, to let you be a part of their world and then just as easily exclude you from it? What the f*** do they mean when they say 'we're more than friends'? Why can't they just let things happen, why do they have to go and spoil it all by acting like the biggest jerks on the planet? They're pigs. All of them.

So anyway, it's back to square one. It's where a thousand tales begin and as many come to an end. It's a cruel reminder of how living a little can mean losing yourself.

As always it's Alanis time ...

I've always wanted for you what you've wanted for yourself

and yet I wanted to save us high water or hell

and I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt

and in the meantime I lost myself

you knew you needed more time

time spent alone with no distraction

you felt you needed to fly solo and high

to define what you wanted

at that particular time love encouraged me to leave

at that particular moment I knew staying with you meant deserting me

that particular month was harder than you'd believe but I still left

at that particular time

Well I mean, I could still get back on my feet. I want to make this work. More than anything else. But I can't do it alone. I shouldn't be expected to. Just like I shouldn't be expected to be okay with everything that happens. No matter how you justify it. I guess I could try to understand it all. But you know how you just get pushed to the point where it's exhausting to even begin to think about it? I should know, I've been there before :p

I am done. Trying to understand and be tolerant and patient and understanding and everything else. With every fibre of my being, I am just disillusioned. I've been hurt and you can't fix it.