I was a mess today morning. I just kept crying the whole time. Then I pushed myself to go out to the mall here. It was nice. Well, we got a whole load of freebies, including some very essential ones :D :D

Came back and I just broke down again. I couldn't help myself.

I then had to decide whether or not to go for this dept picnic we were having today. Spoke to a few people, who apparently had decided not to go. I almost didn't go. But something told me it would be better than sitting in my room and becoming even more miserable. So I went. And it was really nice. It was at a prof's place. Which was in the middle of nowhere. You could see the cayuga lake in the distance, and friendly green trees, and people, all around. And tons of food. I found myself laughing, genuinely, for the first time in a few days. Met alot of new people, had conversations with a few I'd met before. It was nice.

Some of us then got a ride back to campus to go for a get-together for new indian students. That was nice too! To meet your own kind and praise/crib/b**** about anything and everything, was nice. There was food and drinks. And punjabi and hindi music. Which I heard after more than a month. So I found myself singing along, and dancing to songs which I would have otherwise hated.

I realised that such days will come again. I know they will. But I know now that it's upto me, to let them get to me. Or to try to get out of it. It's not easy. But I guess like everything else, that's what makes it worth it.

Another week in Ith ends. It began with orientations and has ended with a glimpse of academics as they are to be for the next many semesters. Never in my life have I entered, and studied, in a library from day 2! Never. It helps though, that the libraries here are so nice that you almost don't feel leaving. That is, until you've had too much of a desktop and/or struggled too much with the homework. Even then, they're nice.

I've seen a movie - Some like it hot. Also went for another one but the undergrads beat us to it! Watched one at Mpwd tonight - Prince Caspian (chronicles of narnia). I went it, expecting nothing from it. I hadn't seen the first one. I realised though, after a long time, how almost all such stories have similar morals. I vaguely remember reading it as a child and it's queer how some, just very few things from the book came back to me as I watched the movie. There's this song in the end though, which just put me to tears.

Anyway, before I launch into that, here's the rest of the update. I've bought myself a huge big umbrella. Too bad even a drop hasn't poured since then! I walked around the B'lake today. It's a beautiful trail. Very calm and serene. Almost too calm, I got a bit scared to be honest. Then I went to the gym :) Finally. And I enjoyed it, building up a sweat after so long. Hopefully I can manage more of it. Oh, also the CC movie pass has been obtained. So have tickets to a few of the CCS events. And I'eve begun the homework. So far, so good.

So, about the song. Well, if you write (and sing) something like - (The call. Regina Spektor)

It started out as a feeling,

which then grew into a hope.

Which then turned into a quiet thought,

which then turned into a quiet word....

I'm bound to break down. I mean, c'mon, it's freaky how I end up listening to such songs. Is it just me?! And I don't even know why I reached my room in tears. Home? The lambu? Missing friends? What??!

This week's been difficult, in terms of the nostalgia. Infact the library's been the only place where I haven't felt it. Part of it is explainable, but mostly it's just like I know I'm torturing myself but I just don't know how to get past it. To be honest, it's not so much about home. I'm speaking to ma and pa almost daily. It's the one on the other coast. Every day I'm reminded of him. In so many little ways. Wherever I go on campus, something I hear or see around me invariably makes me long for him. For him to be here, for us to be something. I know I shouldn't. But I don't know what else to do.

Brooding on a weekend

Woke up to a rainy sunday morning. Chatted with parents while still in bed. The comforts of technology. I like weekends. I can speak to them without thinking of a zillion other things at the same time. Then I snuggled back into bed. I could hear the rain pouring outside my window. And through the blinds I could see how green everything was.

It's been a month since I left home and I am feeling nostalgic today. I'm missing my home, my parents, my friends, my city. I tried to distract myself by doing some dishes. But there weren't too many of those either. I've now moved from my room to our living room. The main door is open, so I can see dried leaves falling off from the trees, from time to time. The rain slows down at times, and then picks up again. I can see the light on in T's room two apartments' away.

Went to the 'dump n run' sale yesterday. It's where outgoing students leave behind all the stuff they don't need and the university, after sifting through it during the summer, sells it to the incoming class at dirt-cheap prices. And If you're really lucky, you can get really nice stuff! Which I did :D :D They sell everything from clothes, shoes, bedding, tableware, electronics etc.

We then had an orientation for incoming international grad students. Which was ok. We're getting better at picking up freebies :p Getting over the hesitation/shyness/wondering-what-others'-will-think :p So you can imagine how many apples each of us stowed away in our bags to bring home for the coming week. Or actually, I don't think you can imagine :D

So yes, I'm in the living room, listening to The Beatles. Snuggled in this lovely pink blanket I picked up yesterday. A quirrel almost entered our house and startled me more than I probably spooked it! I can see a deer standing still in the greens right behind our apartment. Sometimes I can't quite believe how quaint this place is! But today, inspite of it all, I'm missing home.

2 weeks old

Alright, so here's how it's been for the past two weeks.

Ith is, simply put, just beautiful. At this time of the year there's alot of sunshine, cool winds and the occasional rains. My apartment at Mpwd is a cosy place and the room isn't half as bad as the reviews on the internet. Plus I can see deer, rabbits, squirrels, cats, birds all around the place :)

The TA program turned out to be not so bad too! Met a whole bunch of people - Brazil, Chile, Iceland, Greece, China, S.Korea, French Canada etc. It was really nice since all of us were new to campus, all of us are international students - so similar concerns and experiences. Also realised that some of them are my neighbours :)

I figured out my dislike for cafeteria food here quite early on. Have moved from simple sandwiches to really yumm wraps for lunch. It's something I'm quite proud of :p Ofcourse I did cut my thumb today morning while trying to show off my cooking skills to mom through the webcam. So much for trying :p

We had our department orientation today. Honestly, it was scary. Like, it was overwhelming just how much work it actually is going to be. Also since I haven't interacted that much with people from my program, I don't feel exactly comfortable there right now. I keep telling myself how I've only known these people for like 2 days, and just like the TA group I guess eventually I will make friends here too. But that time period, till it happens, just seems so long. Sometimes I wish instead of all the baggage etc, I could have brought just one friend with me from home.

Right, so up until next weekend we have a whole lot of orientation/welcome events happening on campus. And I am going to try and see atleast one new part of campus every week :p I know there's a museum, an observatory, some plantations, chimes in the clock tower.... atleast. Oh and the fitness centres for sure! Although I don't think you need them, what with all the slopes on campus which you just cannot avoid. But it's also funny how easily you get used to them.

The CU campus is kind of a surprise really. It's not like a homogenous set of buildings and that took me some time to get used to. But it does have a charm of it's own. There are certain parts of campus which have those really old buildings, the ones that look like they've been standing since forever. And then you have all this modern construction happening as well. The Beebe lake is adorable, and the waterfall/gorge is just beautiful.

I'm getting used to doing the groceries, figuring out what to buy and how much. And the laundry. Which today was very frustrating since the clothes came out half-dry from the dryer. I cursed the world for the 1.45hrs I spent waiting for it when I was so dead tired.

I've been to the most popular bar for grad students here. Twice. Others go there every second day. I really can't understand why. I've been to Buttermilk falls, and Lake Treman - that was a nice day, spent it hiking from morning to evening. I've been to several grocery stores except the biggest one here - it's too far from home :p I've been to one of the malls and soon I need to go shopping for clothes :) Just waiting for the first paycheck :D :D

I'm not missing home all that much. I suppose I just haven't had the time to. But ya, on weekends, especially sundays, I do think of home. And I do miss it. More than just a little bit. But I also know that this time, this opportunity is totally worth it. So I guess it's ok.

Two hours and I'll leave for the airport. Feeling funny. Weird actually. Well, a little scared to be honest. And alone too. I know I'll be fine but I just want to get to that point where I will know it for sure. Another day before I check in at Mpwd.

Still thinking about I'm-sure-you-can-guess-what/who.

So I fly out of this nice, green, sunny city tomorrow. And finally get to unpack my bags by saturday night. I am looking forward to it. My apartment, my room, my new laptop! And the campus and place and classes :)

I also feel a little scared though. But I guess that's ok. Leaving this house cannot be worse than leaving delhi, for sure. I also know that from time to time I will think of the lambu. But honestly I'm trying my best to deal with that. Ith should be a good place though, for a new beginning, in more ways than one.

It's finally happening :)

I got through today without breaking down. I am seriously proud of myself. I did begin to think about stuff for a bit in the afternoon but thankfully my uncle dragged me to my cousins' viola class and then a car wash.
In the evening UD, Ash & I went for a walk. On the bridge. Where we had walked. And talked. And he had pulled me back and put his arms around me. Several times. Walking on the bridge today however I was ok. I did remember it, but there was no meltdown and no tears. Just the memories.

The bus to Ith has been booked. My laptop should reach there by the time I get there. I'm looking forward to it. Not much else to do anyway.

So after my last post, I ate some food and watched TV with UD for a few hours. Then my uncle came back. And asked me 'so what's happening?' and just like that my eyes welled up with tears. I couldn't understand it! He then went on to talk to me about all the things I should look forward to, and how CU is probably going to change me as a person and change my priorities too. He said it's important to take risks, take the rejection in your stride and still look ahead with a positive attitude. He also said economists make more money than the techies :p That really got a laugh out of me!

He then pushed me out of the house with UD. Now the thing is, younger brothers' are typically always bratty. But when you really need someone to comfort you, they are the best people in the world to talk to. So he drove the car slowly and I gradually found myself talking about this for the first time. Not blogging or something, but real talking. I still couldn't bad mouth the lambu and I think it's just as well. Atleast I did all I could think of to maybe give this a try. And as I spoke and sniffed, I realised it would be ok. He said some really sweet things to me though :) 18yr olds today are apparently well versed in the game of love! We then walked around for a bit, had dinner at the cheesecake factory (which I fell in love with immediately) and drove back home. RG called too, while we were there. And he too just ...got me, you know. He didn't ask me for explanations or questions, just that would I be ok. And when I said I would, he said that's good, but don't be too hard on yourself, it's only been a day.

Today evening helped me more than a bunch of girl friends would have. Just knowing how my family is there for me, giving me the time and space to turn to them, is a comforting feeling. UD made me promise him I wouldn't cry tonight. I think I can keep that promise :)

All right. So UD left me alone for lunch. He said it would help me if I got out of home but he wouldn't force me to. Which I was so thankful for. He then came, sat down beside me and just ... sat. He said we're all here for you, you can talk to any of us whenever you want to. It was just so sweet of him. Honestly, the way family steps in for you surprises me every single time.

I then chatted with a few friends online. Well mainly one. Who I've never even met. And just getting it out of my system was such a relief. I told her how I just don't feel any animosity towards this guy, no matter how much I try. How I just don't want him to feel bad about this. And how thinking about the past weekend makes me smile with fondness. Most importantly though, that he's still my friend. Of course I know I'll wonder about the 'us' for a long time to come. And I'll wonder if I can feel this way again for anyone. But I'll be fine.

I woke up today morning. Minus the headache and tears. I thought I would be ok. Then I spoke to my dad. He asked me how the weekend was, what all we did. I know he was trying, in his own way, to make me feel better, but it didn't help. I was back in a pool of tears.

Then we began watching Parenthood which is this adorable programme on TV. And so this one guy gives a slip of paper to this girl. She opens it and it says 'Will you go out with me?' Then is has three options below - yes, no, maybe. That one scene reminded me of him. again.

I now have to take a bath. My aunt told my cousins to take me out for lunch. I can't believe how sweet they all are being about this. But I don't want to go. I look at my clothes and remember how I spent hours agonising about what to wear when he was around. The footbridge behind their house will remind me of how he held me, right in the middle of it and teased me about wanting him dead. And then how we walked to the other side, sat down and talked. Or tried to.

It hurts so much. I wish I could just erase some of those memories. But then again, some of them do make me smile. I know he didn't do any of this intentionally. But it hurts more than what his hugs, calls and emails can fix right now. I'm glad we'll be friends. I know what it's like to go down this road and lose a friend in the process. But right now... I just wish he was here.

(couldn't) save tonight

I knew this day would come. I just wish it had happened a month back. Rather, I wish I had accepted it earlier. The lambu was here for the weekend. It was beautiful :) Till we sat down to talk business ....turns out we're just going to have to be ok with being friends. I had imagined this conversation a few hundred times in my head. But when it came down to it, I couldn't say a word to him. I wanted to scream, curse, hit him, question him, try to convince him that maybe we wouldn't end up being in as big a soup as he thinks we will. But I just couldn't get the words out. I couldn't. And I couldn't hold back my tears. I swear I tried, like crazy. But I just couldn't.

I felt really alone at that moment. All I wanted was to be back home with my parents. No one else. And I was reminded of that moment at the airport when I had said goodbye to them. I don't know what hurt more.

I came home here and mausi sat down with me. 'What is it about him that makes you feel he is the one?' she asked me. I just smiled and shrugged. How am I supposed to answer that question? That I break into a smile everytime I see him? That everything feels right when I'm with him? I feel safe when he holds my hand, and warm when he hugs me? That I trust him no matter what? That he's always in my thoughts & prayers? How he looks out for me? Or how he does these small small things when I least expect them and how I can't even begin to describe how awesomely special it makes me feel? I don't know what it is about him that makes me feel he is the right one. Maybe I'm wrong. Then again, maybe I'm not. I guess I'll never know.