Went to the ashram yesterday. It was Baba's birth anniversary. So they had alot of people speaking up about their experiences with him. One of those people was my naani. Honestly I was amazed by the tales she had to tell! That my own family had known him, seen him, spoken to him and how all of those things involved an element of wonder or surprise or mircles even. I was too tired to blog last night. And I'm still sleepy although it's morning. So will hold on to the rest of the thoughts for now. Oh and it's finally rained. Baba might just be the reason we love the rains so much....

I'm almost glad now, that the Walden ashram won't be too far away from where I'll be :)

That particular time ...

Somewhere along the way I slipped. Not that someone pushed me. No. I let myself slip. All the while thinking I had my feet firmly on the ground. But I didn't. And so I fell. And got hurt where it hurts the most.

What is it with men and their confused selves anyway? Why are they most responsive only during the chase - whether it's them chasing you or vice versa. And what gives them the right anyway, to let you be a part of their world and then just as easily exclude you from it? What the f*** do they mean when they say 'we're more than friends'? Why can't they just let things happen, why do they have to go and spoil it all by acting like the biggest jerks on the planet? They're pigs. All of them.

So anyway, it's back to square one. It's where a thousand tales begin and as many come to an end. It's a cruel reminder of how living a little can mean losing yourself.

As always it's Alanis time ...

I've always wanted for you what you've wanted for yourself

and yet I wanted to save us high water or hell

and I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt

and in the meantime I lost myself

you knew you needed more time

time spent alone with no distraction

you felt you needed to fly solo and high

to define what you wanted

at that particular time love encouraged me to leave

at that particular moment I knew staying with you meant deserting me

that particular month was harder than you'd believe but I still left

at that particular time

Well I mean, I could still get back on my feet. I want to make this work. More than anything else. But I can't do it alone. I shouldn't be expected to. Just like I shouldn't be expected to be okay with everything that happens. No matter how you justify it. I guess I could try to understand it all. But you know how you just get pushed to the point where it's exhausting to even begin to think about it? I should know, I've been there before :p

I am done. Trying to understand and be tolerant and patient and understanding and everything else. With every fibre of my being, I am just disillusioned. I've been hurt and you can't fix it.

Whatever

I don't want to have to choose. I want the choice. But I don't want to be the one choosing. And I can't have both. I mean obviously, life can't be that simple now, can it? I don't understand why things have to happen just when I would not want them to. How can it be that something which should make me happy, doesn't all that much?

Could my life possibly get more weird? God? Are you there? Don't you think it's high time you stepped in?

Sudden rains

When the tug-of-war between the fat sun and the dark clouds eventually ends, it is the sun that is cajoled into giving in. And there are sudden rains. It's as if a reservoir of raindrops has just let go of them. Drenched in those, I feel as though I too can let go - Of inhibitions. Of pre-conceived notions. Of the ego. Of thinking about right vs wrong. There are shivers. There are goosebumps. There are tingles down my spine as I soak myself in the niceness that it brings. I hear the wind whisper of mysterious secrets & enticing possibilities that it carries from across the seas. It speaks to me, softly.

As the rhythm of the falling rain quickens, so does my heartbeat. Nothing else mattes. It's just that one moment in time. There's a sense of awareness, of being part of something which doesn't end and begin with me, which is much larger than you or me. It's a strange force of nature. For that moment I feel as though I've lived a little bit more.

Sudden rains. They take me by surprise. Every time.

Dear God

Dear God,

Today is one of those days when I just want to say so many things but I just am unable to. I'm unable to bring myself to talk to friends. Definitely not family. I thought I'd just tweet about it but even 140 characters seem too much to fill.

Hence this piece of writing is being directed at you.

God, I'm exhausted. I'm hurt. I'm angry. I'm disappointed. Disillusioned too. If nothing is perfect then why do we take so much time to try and make it seem so? And for once please clarify, is love by itself enough? If so, how much enough is it? Because honestly I'm beginning to feel it just doesn't matter. And that's like going against everything I've believed in for a long long time.

Also dear God, why does it often make me feel so so so so stupid about myself? And why is it that even though I should be thinking using my brilliant mind, I instead almost always choose to take a chance on what the heart is saying? Which then obviously results in everything becoming a mess. Invariably.

And God, since we are at it, what is the big deal about love anyway? Please just take me back to the time when its presence or absence didn't even matter one bit. When guy-friends were really just friends. And you just couldn't even think of falling for one of them. When you didn't find any of them cute or funny or interesting or nice in that way. And when there just was no other non-friend guy worth liking.

Of course if a lot of these things are irreversible, in which case even you, God, can't transport me back to that time, then kindly remind cupid that I too exist. I might be very small compared to alot of other people, and I might lead a small life, but that doesn't diminish my existence or its value.

God, just between you and me, I have met someone. He's a great guy, differences n all. So if it's not meant to be, then God you'd better have a damn good reason for it.

That's about it from me. For now. Since you are who you are God, all channels of communication are open to you. So I shall wait for a sign.

Next year is today

Love the Lambu!

Totally & Utterly!

Proud me

"Should we start a petition to get you back?" said one of the students at my old place of work.

"We miss you" messages are still pouring in.

"Heard they were very happy with you. Good show!" said Mojo.

'somehow i just don't believe it'

This week has been one where I have felt, for the first time, that there is a God watching over us. And I mean, right above our heads. I can't recall a time when all our work got done so smoothly. We've sold ma's car for a fortune! (And we never ever manage these things!). The people at JNU (profs & admin) were SO efficient, I couldn't believe my eyes & ears! The day I went there, all the people I needed to meet with were present, available and willing. I so could not believe it. I still don't. Recommendations? Sure. Transcripts? Not a problem. Degree certificate? Certainly!

Even the diwali preparations have gone off without a hitch.

It's like when Soul Asylum sings "...somehow I, just don't believe it."