I have hurt someone. I didn't intend to, but I have. I am acutely aware of it. I couldn't sleep all night thinking how different things might have been had I edited one line.... just one line.

I was unsure about calling you up to do some damage control. I thought you would be angry and cold. Which you were. But I know the real reason I thought so much before giving you a call is because I was scared. Because talking to you reminded me that you hurt me too.

Changes

I have a new found respect for

• the internet
• webcams
• the internet at airports
• telephones
• electricity
• time-zone converters
• internet through an iPod (?!)

and the many other unknown advancements that technology has made, and which quite frankly are beyond me.

Big one for the big guy

I think one of the most difficult phase of the 20s is the hunt for a job. It's made worse when all you're dying to do is begin working, earning, and possibly saving. It becomes hellish when the process of application & interviews leaves you questioning yourself in general, and your abilities in particular.

I don't know of too many friends who escaped this cycle, and the lambu is well, no exception.

So when he informed me that he has landed a job, I was super happy for him! I didn't scream or shout or cry though, as I & people around me had when I'd landed mine! But I felt happy. You know, the kind of happy that's just there inside of you, when you feel that someone has really got their due. And you sort of know what it means to them. How hard they worked for it, how badly they wanted it and how much they deserve it.

The lambu deserves every single tiny piece of good news that comes his way. This one ofcourse was a pretty big one. So here's to you lambu :) Hope this is just the beginning.

remember...

I have missed alot of people at different points of time in my life. Parents, when I was in the hostel, my friends from Mct when we shifted base to Del, S-C-P since we graduated, AB on numerous ocassions, RG when he was in the States, people I've gone on treks with, people I've worked/interned with.... I miss people fairly easily.

This time however the missing is almost as if someone has torn a part of me and taken it with themselves. There's a strange ache right from my heart to the pit of my tummy, and no matter how hard I try, I haven't been able to stop myself from crying. I know you had to leave, I've known it all along, there was no other way this could have been. Yet why can't I seem to stop saying 'I wish you weren't going away'... I know this won't kill me, and really its not as if you've died or something. But well I will miss being in the same time-zone as you, and how easy some things were because of it.

You've left me with a truckload of memories and I just don't know where to slot them in my mind/heart. I wouldn't exchange them for anything in the world. I do feel overwhelmed by it all.

Jan 1st musings

Another 1st of January. It usually takes me the whole of today to go over all that happened in the past year, one last time. To assure myself that I did the best I could have, that it was ok if I felt bad. The sunshine filters through curtains that have changed from orange to red, in a new room as I hum along to the Eagles' Tequila Sunrise.

In 2010 I hope to be more giving, more tolerant, less impatient, more aware. I hope to not lose sight of all the things I have and all the people around me who really do love me unconditionally - and the sense of security it brings to my life. I hope to not lose my faith in the goodness of people. I hope I can be more accepting when things don't go my way, as they are bound to! I hope the next few months are worth the wait - I hope there are many more conversations, laughs, photographs, big phone bills, shorter sleep hours - I hope I can let go entirely knowing someone will be there to catch me.

I will fight less with ma. I will be a better friend. I will indulge myself. I will go for longer walks, buy fresh flowers just generally.

Oh, well happy new year's baby

We could probably fix it if we clean it up all day

Or we could simply pack our bags

And catch a plane to Barcelona 'cause this city's a drag

I may take a holiday in Spain

Leave my wings behind me

Drink my worries down the drain

And fly away to somewhere new

Fly away to someone new....

(Counting Crows)

2010 I hope you're kind to me and those I love most.

Happy new year to you, to me and to bloggie!