mid-semester reality check

What is it about the middle of every semester? The routine, the monotony, the prelims, the weather, the fatigue... it's as if the enthusiasm and steam with which I start the semester just begins to wear out. This semester though isn't half as bad as the ones that have gone by. Even so I find myself completely dejected and a little bit homesick. I'm getting to read alot for my research which is nice. I don't have any midterms. I don't have tons of homework. Ithaca's winter has been...missing this time, so it can't be the weather. I've finalized a new apartment to move into, my parents are vising in May and I will be off for some very exciting fieldwork in the summer. So then what is it really?!

I feel I have to push myself to do anything at all. Clean the house. Do the laundry. Cook. Gym. All I want to do is stay in bed and watch one movie after another .... seriously...

Well..I guess it's just...the middle of the semester. 'That's all I have to say about that'.

Whatever

My Q is in three days. Finally the balance seems to be showing itself. The last two weeks have been confusing. Add to that being the only one studying when everyone's enjoying the break, and graduation and everything associated with it. I have to admit though, there is something very sweet about watching others graduate. It's really endearingt, how one graduate is typically surrounded by atleast half a dozen people from his/her family! Thankfully we had a sunny weekend for graduation..... in fact most would agree it was a bit 'too warm'!

Annie has moved off-campus, did I write about that? It's strange not having him right next door. Especially when i run out of groceries! But jokes apart, now that he's away I realize just what a huge support he's been. And I miss him already, even though he's just down two streets from me. I wish he didn't have to go back at the end of summer.

Totoro has been really nice, very understanding especially in these pre-Q days. He keeps telling me to stick with it, to believe I can do it, to not freak out, and to always remember there are others' worse off ('look at the Econ guys, they have a Q for micro AND macro'!). The thing is, all that he says is what someone else might say to me but the fact that he's been through all of this himself just makes it all the more comforting.....

That apart, here's something about my writing. I feel like ever since I've gotten here, I seem to hold back when it comes to posting here. I'm unable to write as freely as I could back home. I don't know why that is. Is it because I often want to vent out my frustration at people who actually I'm the closest to? And so I'm worried they might read it?! Is it because sometimes, I don't want to come across as being too miserable, or weak or even needy maybe? Is it because I may come across as just cribbing about the same thing(s) over n over again?! Or is it that I (and others) will realize how I've changed over this past one year, in many ways (i think) for the worse? That I might actually be sort of ashamed of it?!

Ok, so I know the answer to all these is a yes, to some extent, if not a large one! But so what, right? I mean, this is my space. I should be able to say whatever I want, when I want, how many times I might want to! Then why do I suddenly feel so vulnerable when it comes to writing about some things? I used to think that being able to write without abandon reflected a strength, in some ways, in as much as you are putting yourself out there, sometimes with things that are very personal. But now I find myself shying away.... I guess this is bothering me probably because there is so much on my mind right now and I don't have anyone to talk to. And I can't write it down here either.....

Maybe it's time to un-do some things.....

Fed up

I've had it with the snow here. Honestly. Just because I have found it pretty and magical at times really doesn't mean I'm ok with seeing it, month after month. I am craving sunshine, like I've never craved for it before.

I have a prelim in half an hour. Econometrics. Enough said :p

My mind though, is just flooded with thoughts of who I have become. I feel like I've become the worst form of myself. And it's not nothing to do with the time of the month. I'm homesick. I miss my Ma. And then when I give her a call, I end up fighting with her. I'm sort of avoiding some of my friends here - I don't even have a reason for that, anymore. I feel like I want to be alone, but then I miss all the bantering, chai/dinner sessions. I wish I could go to the gym more often but I'm just unable to. I'm still not sure if I want to go away for spring break or not - even though I already have my tickets booked.

I just feel like I'm disappointing myself in some way. I know, in which way. And it's like I'm not myself anymore. Or I just don't know myself anymore. Part of me says that the change was inevitable. The other part just says who gives a f*** even if you've changed.....

I don't like myself right now.

Sudden strangeness

It's been three days since classes began and for some reason everything just seems alien to me. I don't know if it's the snow, the gloomy sky, the cold or even just a little bit of homesickness (like, very very little). It's unsettling because I still haven't picked all my classes; also because I am anything but excited about the course I am TA-ing for this semester. I seem to get the blues just thinking about it. Add to that the mental process of beginning to think of finding an advisor and then the impending Qs.

In many ways I'm glad to be back. My room, my three musketeers (TV, Annie, Adloo), and this town. What I've completely forgotten is to basically use my arms and legs for any kind of work! I get drained after 3pm and what's worse, I can actually fall asleep at that time if I let myself - and not wake up at night!

I know it'll all fall into place, and I know it's going to be sooner than later, but for now I'm just feeling really out of place.

What is it about some memories that makes them harder to forget than others? So, I fell for a guy about a year back. So, it didn't work out. What is it about the whole episode that keeps coming back to me? The fact that a year back I thought we/I had it all? That we were these two amazingly perfect people who had everything going for them? And that, at the time I couldn't for the life of me figure out why we didn't work out?

It's been months since then. I know I've moved on, and so has he. I feel nothing now, when I think of him. Ok, so that's a lie :) I do still feel bad, let down and sometimes sad for no real reason. But I am convinced that it would have anyway never lasted for too long. So then why do snippets of that time come back to me, and make me wonder...

It doesn't help that suddenly I find myself without too much workload :p I guess I've used that as a shield for all these months. I'm glad for it though.

But tonight, I feel like I did when he left. Like I'm all alone, with no one to talk. Like my heart's breaking, all over again. I wish I were home, with my ma. I wish I were anywhere but here.

Aaah heartbreak .... Why did you have to come back so soon? Why couldn't you have just stayed away and not brought back feelings that I thought I had buried inside of me forever?

It's strange really. I so badly want things to work out between him and me. And all this while I thought we had something going on. Which we did. But several oceans and continents between us had completely other plans I guess. I tried to hold on, even this time. But not for too long. I guess there's a reason they call it experience. I suppose I would have still stuck to it but something just did not seem right. This one tiny thing that he said. Well I suppose many tiny things but this one thing in particular. And a few that he left unsaid.

So here's to another round of missing-you, remembering you in so many ways and so many things, and wondering if I ever cross your mind, and resisting the urges to pick up the phone and dial your number. Here's to wondering whether or not I should delete all your texts, and the emails, the chats, the fb stuff ... and well the worst is having to eventually tell the friends (not right away) and tell ma you won't be there with me when I leave this time.

But well, I guess I'll live. I'm not the first one! Why couldn't someone have told me earlier that it wasn't meant to be?

Post-script

Just as I finish writing this, he says 'but for some reason this doesn't feel right' and I ask him what doesn't. He says 'not giving it a try'. I am too exhausted to react/respond.

Grrr....

Today's one of those days when I feel like there's no one I can talk to. Not a single person in my phonebook. Not a single person on my Gtalk list. No one on facebook/etc. I can't talk to my ma, my brother's not here, and I honestly don't want to bother my dad. I know exactly what some of my best friends will say - and I know it will piss me off like nothing else has in quite a long while. I thought I could talk to AB but I realised this time I don't want anyone judging me or anyone else - which is exactly what she did.

Why is it that people can just never listen for once? How is it that they are ready with their advice/take on things even before you've finished saying what you wanted to say? Why can't they see it my way, instead of making me see my problem their way?!

Facebook is just depressing the life out of me right now. In the past three days I have gotten to know of six friends who are getting married, or have gotten engaged. Six! I mean, cmon! Give me a break! And another few whose babies have become 3-6 months old. And the thing is, I find myself wanting the same, more and more. I have concluded it's a girl thing. There's really nothing else to it. It's the age, it's the hormones, it's the emotions... all of it. So I'm not even going to try to hide it. I know everything else in my life is on track. But everything else ceases to matter that much when I find myself wanting this one thing so bad. And to think I couldn't have been bothered till 6 months back. It's seriously freaky how things become clear after a point of time? And then in a moment, it's just easier to take a decision, no matter how difficult it might seem. Which is what's happened to me. After more than a week of turmoil.

I think I've hit a moment of clarity. Phew! I so badly needed it. What with thoughts of having to leave, the PhD and everything else that could happen along the way, I really really needed this semblance of sanity. And I have got it back.

Reminds me of what Christopher Robin says to Pooh -

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

Have you ever felt so happy that it scares you? Like every moment of that happiness just seems so fragile? And you just wish you could hold on to that one moment for a little longer and you keep thinking of ways to do that, but all the while you're constantly haunted by the thought that it could be taken away from you in less than a second? Have you ever felt like that?

I've had too much of good news over the past 10 odd days. Too much. Way too much. I don't think I deserve all of it. I don't want all of it. Not all at the same time. It's way too unbelievable! I'm happy though. And everyone around me is proud. Nothing much to say really, except I'm headed to the Big Red :)

Finally.

deeeep breath ...

Alrighty. To be honest, I've been putting this off for quite sometime now. But I just can't take it anymore!!

Till about ten days back I was insanely anxious to hear from a bunch of US Universities I considered myself worthy of applying to. Ofcourse by then most places had sent out a letter of rejection to me. And if you've never received one, I'm afraid there's jus no way for you to know just what it feels like. It's unlike any other kind of 'rejection' you might receive. It hits you at a different level all together. Basically it makes you feel like the worst kind of scum on this planet. And the plethora of thoughts running in your mind essentially boil down to two alternating thoughts - "am I really that bad?!" versus "What was I thinking, applying to them?". And the thing is, it doesn't get better with time. It actually gets worse, letter after letter. So even though you tell yourself that you can take it, tha you won't let it get to you and all that crap, even you know you're lying to yourself. And you know it when that one tiny tear inevitably escapes your eye.

The up-side is since I'm waitlisted at two places, there's still hope. It gets better since both the places are rather good for what I want to study. And since I haven't received 'the' letter till now, it has to reflect some competititve edge my application has! I mean, c'mon, let me get some credit here! The downside is, if the said letter does find its way to my inbox/mailbox I will scream out in pain. Because a letter at the end of the admissions cycle can only be the worst way for them to make someone feel that when all's said and done you're as good/bad as the ones we rejected two months back!

So anyway few days back, I reached a funny sort of equilibrium. I now think it's a stage everyone must reach at some point of time in this process. It was when I finally stopped refreshing my email inbox page every 5 minutes to check for any updates from the unis. When I stopped going through the various online discussion forums where people submit their decision results. When I basically became numb to it all. It actually did happen to me. Honest. I just felt this strange kind of peace. No pain, no joy, no hope, nothing.

Then came yesterday, when very very very unexpectedly things took a turn for the better on the domestic job front. Needless to say I was stunned. That's the only word I have for it. And needless to say the entire extended family was ecstatic. Friends too. I was further surprised when the lambu sent me flowers and chocolates to celebrate with! :) How can I not like him?!

The thing is, I was happy too. Obviously.

But you know honestly it's changed the balace between my arguments for leaving vs staying on here, in favour of staying put. I've been able to try and be patient for the next few days but in the meantime I can't help but question What the f*** is going on God????! All the while that I wanted things to work out here, something or the other always came in the way. When I finally made up my mind about the PhD, then first you take the west coast option out of the picture. Now you want to change the picture all together?! Why? Why now ....

I know things don't always go according to plan. I also know that everytime this has happened in the past, it has had something good associated with it eventually. But I don't want to go through all of that again. I Just Don't. I Don't Want To Wait For That 'Eventually'. Maybe someone else could go through it for once. Or twice. Or whatever. Why me? Again and again and again ...

Whatever

I don't want to have to choose. I want the choice. But I don't want to be the one choosing. And I can't have both. I mean obviously, life can't be that simple now, can it? I don't understand why things have to happen just when I would not want them to. How can it be that something which should make me happy, doesn't all that much?

Could my life possibly get more weird? God? Are you there? Don't you think it's high time you stepped in?

This is the third blog in a day. It has got to be the hormones.

So, if you've read the previous two blogs you will know I fought with the lambu & got emotional over another person's email. And it hasn't even been three hours since I woke up.

RG is having his eyes checked up. It's very rarely that he discusses it, and even more rare that he shows his fears regarding it. Today morning apparently both happened. Ma has just unburdened herself to me, and bloggie is where I unburden my mind and soul. Hence this ...

So he's having two check ups done today. No one should have to worry about such things, especially not him. Not at this time. You can't do this to doctors. It's not fair.

The thing is, it's scary. And I'm sure it must be worse for him. And at times like these, coming from a doctors' family really doesn't help. Trust me.

Anyway I am not resting till someone tells us exactly what needs to be done, what precautions need to be taken, and how it will/won't affect his career as a doctor. And all of this needs to be clarified before he goes away to that awful country. Sometimes i wonder why do we even want to go there?

Which brings me to my second set of concerns. (You'd think the hormones would give me a break now atleast ...)

If RG & I both move out, which seems pretty likely, then it's a difficult thought to think of all those who we'll leave behind here. If anything, this is the time we need to be around, and support them the way they have been there for us, for our every need, all these years. At some level I do feel a little selfish. But then I also know that, like the lambu said, our parents also want the best for us ...

But still, I worry about what we would do if anything were to happen, on either side of the world. I wonder how many families have sort-of-sleepless nights once they're scattered? Or do they just get used to it?

They say anything worth having is worth fighting for. They also say if you really want something, then the entire universe conspires for you to get it.

I was believing the first statement till sometime back. Then it was as if I just got tired of fighting. With people. For things. For things to happen. I got tired of trying not to feel disappointed, of still finding ways to hope, again and again. I guess somewhere I realised it shouldn't be so hard, so difficult. And so for sometime now, I've begun letting go. Of the hope. I just wanted to step back a little.

In that scenario, I find myself being taken by surprise a little too much, all of a sudden. The kind words have become kinder. The understanding tone has become alot more than just understanding. The teasing and jokes have been supplemented with a different kind of talk all together. Some actions are leaving me stunned almost. Some topics have not been easy to discuss. But I'm glad there is space for that discussion as and when the need arises.

I am beginning to get a tiny glimpse into a kind of perspective that, while I had hoped for it, is leaving me speechless nonetheless. I do so want to believe in it a lot more than I'm letting myself. Maybe with time I will be able to understand why I feel scared by it right now. Until then the forces of nature may kindly step in. Now would be a really good time.

I'm upset. Hurt too, but more upset than anything else. I feel like all i really can do is to just let it all be the way it is. No more wishing, hoping, understanding ....

And I can't wait to leave all this tomorrow and be with AB & AA ...

Some differences, just like distances, can never be bridged I guess.

Dear God

Dear God,

Today is one of those days when I just want to say so many things but I just am unable to. I'm unable to bring myself to talk to friends. Definitely not family. I thought I'd just tweet about it but even 140 characters seem too much to fill.

Hence this piece of writing is being directed at you.

God, I'm exhausted. I'm hurt. I'm angry. I'm disappointed. Disillusioned too. If nothing is perfect then why do we take so much time to try and make it seem so? And for once please clarify, is love by itself enough? If so, how much enough is it? Because honestly I'm beginning to feel it just doesn't matter. And that's like going against everything I've believed in for a long long time.

Also dear God, why does it often make me feel so so so so stupid about myself? And why is it that even though I should be thinking using my brilliant mind, I instead almost always choose to take a chance on what the heart is saying? Which then obviously results in everything becoming a mess. Invariably.

And God, since we are at it, what is the big deal about love anyway? Please just take me back to the time when its presence or absence didn't even matter one bit. When guy-friends were really just friends. And you just couldn't even think of falling for one of them. When you didn't find any of them cute or funny or interesting or nice in that way. And when there just was no other non-friend guy worth liking.

Of course if a lot of these things are irreversible, in which case even you, God, can't transport me back to that time, then kindly remind cupid that I too exist. I might be very small compared to alot of other people, and I might lead a small life, but that doesn't diminish my existence or its value.

God, just between you and me, I have met someone. He's a great guy, differences n all. So if it's not meant to be, then God you'd better have a damn good reason for it.

That's about it from me. For now. Since you are who you are God, all channels of communication are open to you. So I shall wait for a sign.

Mood of the past few days

I'm discovering a whole new kind of ('best') friendship, which is really really nice. I mean, to be entirely honest I'd promised myself to never ever mix best friends and love when it comes to the opposite sex. But well ... alot more things dont go according to plan, than they do. Should be getting used to it by now I guess...

So anyway, it does mean alot, for a whole lot of reasons. And it's not going to be taken for granted. And I know that because of how strange the last few days have been. My mind is, for some reason, going back to a time long gone by. It's as if I'm being reminded of how not-green the grass could just be. It's a scary prospect. I wonder if I can ever forget the vunlerability, the anger and the hurt I felt at that time.

Sometimes some questions don't have an answer. But how do you stop raising those questions then?

I have hurt someone. I didn't intend to, but I have. I am acutely aware of it. I couldn't sleep all night thinking how different things might have been had I edited one line.... just one line.

I was unsure about calling you up to do some damage control. I thought you would be angry and cold. Which you were. But I know the real reason I thought so much before giving you a call is because I was scared. Because talking to you reminded me that you hurt me too.

I've always had a thing about honesty. I can't lie. To anyone. It shows instantly. At the same time I usually expect people to be equally honest with me. Now sometimes that ends up with them saying things I don't agree. Or don't want to agree with. It is at moments like those that I wish people would just say what I want to hear, even if it's not the whole truth. Is that so wrong? Or just part of being human?

F*** ETS

I have had ALL my education in english - my schooling, my undergrad, my masters. I now teach in an english-medium university, and a top-notch one at that. I speak english more fluently than hindi (my native language). I have read more literature, heard more music, seen more plays in english than in Hindi. When I get angry I am more coherent in English.

YET just because the US follows certain systems, I have to take the TOEFL. Which I did, a week back. I took a day off from work to 'prepare' for it. During the test I felt nothing short of brain-dead. What is this passage about? What is the conversation about? Blah Blah Blah. Utter useless nonsense.

I don't have an issue with this stupid exam. Maybe there are people for who it really does reflect some ability to speak/read/understand the English language. I have an issue with having to pay $165 for a test I really don't need. AND I have an issue with having to pay an extra $17 for additional score reports. $17?? Why on earth does it cost them that much?! Especially since most of these are now electronically sent from ETS to the univs. (for the GRE it is $20).

It's ok to have a policy where you want score reports, it's even understandable that you want them from the official source. But that you charge so much for them? Where's the justification in that? Take the alternate case for transcripts - they r official too, we get them from the univs, and in most cases they are provided to us free of cost (or very minimal if at all). Then what is too great about ETS? And seriously those four 'free' score cards - how many people actually apply to just 'four' places??!? More so when especially for TOEFL there's this stupid mandatory requirement for all international students! I mean seriously, atleast we got our english from the English....

Everyone knows that applying to a place like the US/UK involves money. I know, since I'm going to be exhausting almost a year's worth of savings, and I work as a professor! One can understand application fee, but forced expenditure just does not seem logical/justified. I wonder why so many international students are quiet about this?

In the head of two 25-yr-olds

Spent the day with AB. We went to CP and while we did shop some bit, it was more of conversation. We both needed it. We both were glad to realise we aren't alone in this mess of feelings that we are fighting.

When I look at my students I am struck by the fact that while I am not all that elder to them, I have infact gone through quite a bit since I finished my undergrad. Looking back at my years at DU, I remember feeling almost invincible. As though everything was possible, everything I wanted was within my reach. Even if it wasn't, how bad could it get?

Yet now I feel that the years since I turned 21 have been full of just so many ups and downs, so many unexpected turn of events, the kinds I never did anticipate. The kind I did survive, but also the kind that each left me with a little less faith and a lot more questions than before. I feel jaded at some level; and tired of trying to understand what's happening around me.

I love my job, yet at times I wish I could just leave everything and just be. Not work, not study, not do anything. Even though I know I would crave to get back to teaching within two days, or even less! I love my family, they have been the backbone of my life. And yet I find myself wanting to get away from everyone I know here, from all their opinions, advice, guidance. Even when I know they mean well.

These days I feel like a line from Alanis Morrisette's 'Ironic' - I'm here but I'm really gone. I seem to be doing everything on auto-pilot, but my mind's just on a different plane all together. I can't even clearly identify just what it is that's troubling me. PhD. Marriage. Meeting a guy. Trying my best not to argue with parents about him. Being very patient when grandparents call to ask about the guy.

Just trying to stay sane with all this....