Baba...

Life sometimes has a cruel way of reminding you that it really is not just about you. Just one more day of classes, one more homework, one presentation. I had begun to think that this is my life, it's what is supposed to make up my days. For the last few weeks I hardly spoke to my parents. Some of it was just because I was busy, some of it was because I was tired of recounting every other day's happenings, some of it I just can't explain. And then I choked on a piece of sushi. And 12 hours later I got news that my grandfather passed away. It doesn't matter anymore how many homeworks I finish or how many presentations I ace. I will never see him again. I feel a hurt that's borne out of a sense of a permanent loss. I spent the day trying to remember everything I could about him. It's as if I didn't want to lose those memories as well.

So, here's to the man who never ever gave up. The fighter. Who never apologized for who he was. Who instilled a rock solid foundation of values in all his grand-kids through stories, experience and sometimes the occasional reprimand - always be honest, always greet your elders with a 'namaste', never hurt anyone, all because 'it's not just a reflection of who you are, it's a reflection of all of us.' The one who would walk me to the bus-stop to catch the school bus as a child. The one who would make sure my grandma cooked anything and everything we ever wanted to eat. The one who was so so proud of all of us that sometimes it was embarrassing, but he never made an effort to hide it. The one who, by the end had woven bonds of love and affection through five children, a dozen grandchildren and four great-grandchildren. He taught me to be fearless. He would remind me again and again to 'be aware and alert of where you are' because no one else will do it for you. He'd always warn me against male-friends :p He held us to high standards and I don't think we disappointed him. He taught me what unconditional love is.

I heard he went away peacefully. I heard the cremation was a befitting tribute to the man he was. I am left with 27 years of memories all filled with love, respect, affection and happiness. I am left with blessings for a lifetime.

We've just had a week with more people in our house than it can sustain! From CA to NY to the ones already here, everyone descended on our home and filled it with chatter, laughs, games, food (lots of it) and most of all, love. Day after day of teasing one another, getting together at the dining table for meals, snuggling in the bed to watch movies and then setting up mattresses with tons of blankets just so the cousins could sit up long after the parents/aunts/uncles fell asleep to chat or watch utterly weird videos online! The only downside has been a serious overdose of food - there might just be a euphemism in there somewhere! :p

Life Just Isn't

Ok, so...I guess when you feel like shit, it's up to you to make yourself feel better? I'm not sure really, but I think that's the way to go.

It's strange how some things always come back to me. Like this one piece I read along time ago. In one of the 'chicken soup' books, of all places! It's stayed with for so many years, and it still makes sense to me. So, here it is ...

Life Just Isn't

Life isn't about keeping score. It's not about how many people call you and it's not about who you've dated, are dating or haven't dated at all. It isn't about who you've kissed, what sport you play, or which guy or girl likes you. It's not about your shoes or your hair or the color of your skin or where you live or got to school. In fact, it's not about grades, money, clothes, or colleges that accept you or not. Life isn't about if you have lots of friends, or if you are alone, and it's not about how accepted or unaccepted you are. Life just isn't about that.

But life is about who you love and who you hurt. It's about how you feel about yourself. It's about trust, happiness, and compassion. It's about sticking up for your friends and replacing inner hate with love. Life is about avoiding jealousy, overcoming ignorance and building confidence. It's about what you say and what you mean. It's about seeing people for who they are and not what they have. Most of all, it is about choosing to use your life to touch someone else's in a way that could never have been achieved otherwise. These choices are what life's about.

Yearning to be home

This semester is turning out to be quite strange. I somehow don't feel half at-home here this time as I did in the last one. It can't be the homesickness and it can't be the still-shopping-for-courses because all of that is set now. It might be because of everything that's lined up for the next few months. I don't know really. But I don't feel like I'm really here....

Today is div's engagement. I should be in Delhi right now. Gearing up for my best friend's big day. The chaos and raunak of a typical Punjabi wedding - the extended family, the food, the flowers and lights and colors and noise ... I just spoke to her. I had to disconnect twice before the call went through because I just started crying. Sitting in my room, thinking of how long we've known each other for, what all we've been through and how, now, she's finally getting married. My sweet, kind, chocoholic friend .... I can only hope that the beast keeps her happy and smiling forever. What wouldn't I give to be there with her right now.

It's these kind of moments that matter in the end right? I mean, I won't even remember all the stupid classes because of which I can't leave from here .... yet I'll always remember that I never left. I feel terrible about it. Mostly because I know if it were my big day, I would want her to be there with me. Throughout.

This just hasn't been my week I guess. And I have no one to talk to.

Alot of people had told me that upstate NY 'is beautiful during the fall'. I would just look at them and say ok, if you say so. For me, fall has been about green trees turning yellow-brown and crunching on fallen neem and peepal leaves. It has also been a fairly brief period of time for most of the years. I used to look forward to it back home, also because it marked the onset of winter and a whole load of festivals!

Here though, fall takes on a whole new meaning. It's bright and it's incredible. It's teasing and tormenting, beautiful and quirky at the same time. For a month now we've been watching as the leaves subtly change shades. Wishing the process would speed up. But it takes it's own sweet time in showing all it's colours. Gradually the air has begun to cool down and the sunshine seems so much more precious all of a sudden. The green grass is covered by a carpet of reds, browns and yellows. I have never seen trees that are bright red, stark orange or just beautiful golden yellow. On days when the sky is a clear blue and the sun is shining, there's something in the air that makes you want to go for a walk around campus, with squirrels, a hawk and a friend. And sit by the statue of White/Ezra in the arts quad. Or gaze at the lake from one of the windows in the 'harry potter library'. Or crinkle up your nose at the smell of rotting leaves after it rains.

Fall is like a spectacular farewell before winter sets in. It makes me realize how much beauty there can be in an end. It's like a little piece of heaven on earth. And I'm thankful I can experience it.

Not that my blogs impact the universe in any significant way, but it's nice to be back here. I'm beginning to fall even more in love with this place. We've had some cold rainy days and then it becomes grey, gloomy and miserable. But when the sun shines, and the wind blows, and there's just a trace of clouds in the blue sky, that's when it makes you just stand still for a moment, forgetting about all the homework and grading, and just soaking that moment. It does something to me, to my heart. I feel happy, content, and at peace. And truly blessed to be able to experience that one moment, no matter how shortlived it is.

So I got to visit Niagara Falls. Saw half a dozen rainbows, got drenched, and felt the spray on my face till I couldn't see a thing! It was exhilarating. I was extra grateful for it since I had fought with one of the roomies just the day before. I know it had to happen, but it was unpleasant all the same. Anyhow came home refreshed, with a few starfish.

One of my favourite things here is the cinema programme they have. I wish I could make more time for the movies they screen. However one really interesting piece was called 'Gravity was Everywhere back then' - creative in a quirky sort of way, the kinds that you couldn't not like! I suppose you could sell anything which has the cello being played to me! What is it about that sound...doesn't it make you wonder? It makes me feel as if I'm standing on top of a hill, all aof one, and from somewhere far far away this sound is just drifting along with the breeze. I love the sound of cellos.

Attended a jazz orchestra by Maria Schneider. I don't know what it is with jazz and me. I do try, honestly, but I believe I'm a long way from developing a taste for it. It did however make me long to hear some indian music. Which, it turns out, is happening tomorrow. It has to be a sign from somewhere if SPCIMACAY is here too! How I miss the concerts and plays back in delhi... and how many I attended! All through DU, JNU and @iit ....and the ones at nehru park. Where they would spread mattresses, and people would take off their shoes and just sit ...while the sun was setting, and till the stars filled the sky ...and just listen to music that could transport you to a different place all together.

I received a rose plant in the mail! All the way from singapore :) It has four yellow roses, and one rosebud. It's supposed to remind me of sunshine once we get in the winter months. Awww :)

Salsa classes are alot of fun! And a big stressbuster right in the middle of the week. The gym's good too. I'm talking to ma & papa everyday. It's been the subject of some amusing conversations here :p But I'm not complaining. I think I need it as much as they do.

I finally, at last, met up with someone who I should have met a long long time back! And it was good to see him, after all these years of emails & facebook. Hopefully we'll see more of each other from now on.

A brief note on some of the people I'm surrounded with these days :)

There's T ...without who I don't know what I would have done! Seriously! I thank god for sending him here. And for his butter-chicken skills. Everything else, I cook better :p T is also the one who keeps reminding me I should study since 'Andrew baba must be studying'! It's a joke between us, one that's probably gone too far but we're still holding on to it! Andrew's from DC and he's one of the nicer dancers in the salsa class. I'll just refer to him as A-baba from now on. He also usually has this harried expression on his face through every class, and everytime I meet him in a corridor/library, but I guess it's because he 'works hard....and works fast'! Which is something our DGS says. He does have a name but I like to call him Lord Buddha. We have his classes at 8am, twice a week. He takes a weekly quiz and I wonder every week how he sleeps at night knowing what he's putting us through! I like to refer to him as the Buddha though, since he gives me this impression that I can, with alot of hard work and fast work, get by in his course. Our other professor is the old man, and since right now I'm struggling to finish his homework, I have nothing nice to say about him. Our microecon prof is very cute but pretty bad at teaching.... so... Anyway, that apart, there's Chris in our study group. One of the sweetest people around, and he's a genius when it comes to the old man's course :) There's also Nathan, who TAs for the same course as me. He also like to play badminton and is very good with the drop shots (I hate that!). And every monday evening, when we're utterly exhausted, he walks into the auditorium at 7pm, gives me a big grin and says 'how's it going?' :) There's Ulrik. He's danish and is T's roomie, and far nicer than T :p and he makes the most amazing lasagne ever. He too enjoyes badminton. Then there's my friendly neighbour Arnold, who sometimes makes the most tangential of remarks and I know if I ever need to laugh I just need to talk to him! He also bravely brings up the men vs. women debates :D And last, but not the least, there's Adrian - the one who can make every single movie seem like it's our life here at CU. And the one who likes to salsa, travel and cooks amazing food, and just got a brand new big TV Screen so you know where we're going to be watching movies from now on! Oh and he has access to a car!

So, Arnold, T, Adrian are going to be friendly neighbour # 1, 2 and 3 respectively (in order of how far their apt is from mine!).

There are girls in my program. However I don't think I've spoken to any of them to an extent that I could write something about them here! Which is slightly strange isn't it.... all I've written about is guys and how well most of them cook! Oh well.... it's the truth :p

Sometimes I do think of the lambu. Inspite of all my assignments, cooking, grocery shopping, movies/music, sometimes I do wonder what it might have been like, had we worked things out. But I also know this is a good place to come to with a broken heart. It gives you that space and let's you take your time. Fall is just around the corner. The trees have begun turning yellow/pink/red/orange ...and I can't describe how lovely it already looks. The way the leaves just drif off the branches and you see them littered on the pavements. It's just beautiful. When I walk to the gym from behind our library, I cross the lake. And when the leaves of those trees rustle, it reminds me of the enchanted wood that enid blyton wrote about years and years ago. It really is as if they're speaking out to you. And a squirrel scampers along the way, and everything seems right with the world.

There's alot to be done here. This past week I felt like 24 hours in a day are just not enough. Something tells me that feeling is a good thing :) For now, I should get back to some more homework. Goodnight bloggie!

Spent the last weekend in NYC. I don't know what it is about that city, but it makes me feel alive. I love the crowds, the traffic, the cabs and concrete! It did involve missing a day of classes but something made me feel it's something i needed to do. Pampered the self by travelling in style :p I could walk in nyc all day, for days together, and not get tired. And if I had the money, I could shop that much too :) Guppy's all set to start his undergrad there. He seemed awed and anxious. Reminded me of when RG & I had joined the hostel. Spoke to him about it though. I don't think anything would have helped him feel better, but still, sometimes it's nice to just hear things. I guess. I saw statues, museums, parks and ofcourse did a fair bit of shopping. I can't wait to go back.

We also went to the ashram at Walden. That too seems to hold a different significance now that I'm away from home. Isn't it strange how you try to hold on to things you otherwise wouldn't? I suppose that's when you realise the true meaning of such things.

The weather in Ith has been beautiful. It's gotten a little chilly but the breeze is wonderful. Watched Forrest Gump with the neighbour. Was reminded of the times Ma & I would watch it together. And as always that movie spoke volumes to me. Have also been initiated in Salsa classes on campus. I realised just how much I missed dancing! I love how it just takes me to this whole other plane, and I can just forget about classes/assignments/etc.

Speaking of classes, they're pretty good :) I'm not entirely blank. Just wish the micro prof was better. He's cute though. But well, that's not going to help us is it? :p

Our study group is a completely different matter! Lol! More on that some other time.

There are way too many important birthdays in the month of September. Looks like this weekend is going to be all about calling up Laavan, AB and some others. Oh and apparently Div's wedding date has been decided upon.... we need to talk :)

I was a mess today morning. I just kept crying the whole time. Then I pushed myself to go out to the mall here. It was nice. Well, we got a whole load of freebies, including some very essential ones :D :D

Came back and I just broke down again. I couldn't help myself.

I then had to decide whether or not to go for this dept picnic we were having today. Spoke to a few people, who apparently had decided not to go. I almost didn't go. But something told me it would be better than sitting in my room and becoming even more miserable. So I went. And it was really nice. It was at a prof's place. Which was in the middle of nowhere. You could see the cayuga lake in the distance, and friendly green trees, and people, all around. And tons of food. I found myself laughing, genuinely, for the first time in a few days. Met alot of new people, had conversations with a few I'd met before. It was nice.

Some of us then got a ride back to campus to go for a get-together for new indian students. That was nice too! To meet your own kind and praise/crib/b**** about anything and everything, was nice. There was food and drinks. And punjabi and hindi music. Which I heard after more than a month. So I found myself singing along, and dancing to songs which I would have otherwise hated.

I realised that such days will come again. I know they will. But I know now that it's upto me, to let them get to me. Or to try to get out of it. It's not easy. But I guess like everything else, that's what makes it worth it.

Brooding on a weekend

Woke up to a rainy sunday morning. Chatted with parents while still in bed. The comforts of technology. I like weekends. I can speak to them without thinking of a zillion other things at the same time. Then I snuggled back into bed. I could hear the rain pouring outside my window. And through the blinds I could see how green everything was.

It's been a month since I left home and I am feeling nostalgic today. I'm missing my home, my parents, my friends, my city. I tried to distract myself by doing some dishes. But there weren't too many of those either. I've now moved from my room to our living room. The main door is open, so I can see dried leaves falling off from the trees, from time to time. The rain slows down at times, and then picks up again. I can see the light on in T's room two apartments' away.

Went to the 'dump n run' sale yesterday. It's where outgoing students leave behind all the stuff they don't need and the university, after sifting through it during the summer, sells it to the incoming class at dirt-cheap prices. And If you're really lucky, you can get really nice stuff! Which I did :D :D They sell everything from clothes, shoes, bedding, tableware, electronics etc.

We then had an orientation for incoming international grad students. Which was ok. We're getting better at picking up freebies :p Getting over the hesitation/shyness/wondering-what-others'-will-think :p So you can imagine how many apples each of us stowed away in our bags to bring home for the coming week. Or actually, I don't think you can imagine :D

So yes, I'm in the living room, listening to The Beatles. Snuggled in this lovely pink blanket I picked up yesterday. A quirrel almost entered our house and startled me more than I probably spooked it! I can see a deer standing still in the greens right behind our apartment. Sometimes I can't quite believe how quaint this place is! But today, inspite of it all, I'm missing home.

Two hours and I'll leave for the airport. Feeling funny. Weird actually. Well, a little scared to be honest. And alone too. I know I'll be fine but I just want to get to that point where I will know it for sure. Another day before I check in at Mpwd.

Still thinking about I'm-sure-you-can-guess-what/who.

So I fly out of this nice, green, sunny city tomorrow. And finally get to unpack my bags by saturday night. I am looking forward to it. My apartment, my room, my new laptop! And the campus and place and classes :)

I also feel a little scared though. But I guess that's ok. Leaving this house cannot be worse than leaving delhi, for sure. I also know that from time to time I will think of the lambu. But honestly I'm trying my best to deal with that. Ith should be a good place though, for a new beginning, in more ways than one.

It's finally happening :)

They say ...

They say the breaking of glass is an auspicious sign - Well it did.

They say if you really wish for something, you get it - Duh...pretty obvious I'd say! Of course it includes things like surprise presents, all of which you needed/wanted!

They say it's a good omen if it rains before you do something that big/special. - It did.

I'm sure somewhere in the world they say it's harder to say goodbye the closer you get to it. Well even if they don't, I'm saying it now. It's so hard that it's difficult to not think about it. So hard that I can't be strong anymore.

It's my last night at home. I've had an insane few last days. And today was the last of many goodbyes (well there are two more happening tomorrow, but I'm too exhausted to do anything about that). I'm physically very tired. Mentally I'm pooped trying to pack my bags according to stupid AA baggage specifications. I swear I'm never flying with them again.

My cousins just left. My naani's sleeping in the same room as the one I'm sitting in right now. Thankfully the lights are turned off. I can't help but cry. Too bad I can't sniff though! She'd wake up in a second.

Oh by the way, my friend Reefknot has blogged for me. It can't get sweeter than that, can it?!

Tomorrow is going to be quite something. . How will I ever say goodbye?

I've been putting off writing this post for a long long time. Can't hold it in any longer I guess :(

The last few weeks have been simply exhausting. To the point where if someone mentions the words 'shopping' or 'lets meet sometime' I automatically say a 'no'. I have no energy left to think of a day, time and place that would be mutually convenient. Plus the heat wave acts as a natural deterrent.

I've said my goodbyes. To friends. Family. Family friends (and I realised they are more family than friends - something I didn't admit to earlier). I've eaten all my favourite foods everywhere I went. I've received some really nice presents too. I've been hugged and kissed a zillion times and been wished goodluck, do well, take care of yourself.

The thing is, this whole leaving-home process really makes you realise just how many people and places and things make up your life. I've been trying to squeeze mine into a few weeks and I still have a long list of people who I know I won't get to meet in time. That makes me sad.

I'm done with all the shopping and in a day or two the bags should be packed. I know once I reach there, all the new stuff I have will not matter. The clothes, shoes and whatnot will not be half as nice as all of my old stuff put together back home.

My parents are having a tough time too. The whole letting-go process. Mom's been way too hyper (emotionally and otherwise). Dad's barely saying anything these days. It's draining at times, to be able to talk to them while keeping everything light and funny and convincing them that they'll be ok. That I'll be ok.

Actually it's the grandparents also. hmm ... I find it amusing though, how my grandfather always gives me this one piece of warning - 'shikaayat nahin aani chahiye wahan se' (they shouldn't complain about you there) - I got to hear this when I was in school. Then when I joined college. Even when I began to work! And now again ... :)

But the truth is, I'm very scared too. I know I have people there for me, and a whole lot of other resources and that I will be crazy busy sooner than later. But I'm still scared. I don't want to leave. My family. Grandparents. Home. City. Country. I'm going to miss so many things about this random insane infuriating country! The noise. The neem trees. The monsoons. The festivals. The people, my people. The monuments. The travels. Actually alot more. I just can't seem to write it all down right now.

I'm realising that maybe Aerosmith's 'Dont wanna miss a thing' was written & sung for such moments ... damn them.

You know how you suddenly have these moments of strength just when you thought everything has ended? Well I've just had mine. Ofcourse, I hope it will last beyond just tonight! But I know I will be ok. With the shift. With being alone. With having to make new friends. And TAing a class of 600! I guess it's true -

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

Why do I feel like eating a whole pizza right after gymming? It defeats the purpose doesn't it? And yet almost every day I have a craving for a pizza or momos or chowmein! My mouth starts watering just at the thought of it. But then I say a 'no' to myself. Firmly. And try to find happiness in a glass of cold chocolate milk. Is this a sign of becoming older? Or wiser? :p

I also, right now, have this urge to go and crash at my nani's house. But well that's not happening soon. Atleast not till my VI later this week.

And well, today I am missing you. Sort of. Like alot.

Went to the ashram yesterday. It was Baba's birth anniversary. So they had alot of people speaking up about their experiences with him. One of those people was my naani. Honestly I was amazed by the tales she had to tell! That my own family had known him, seen him, spoken to him and how all of those things involved an element of wonder or surprise or mircles even. I was too tired to blog last night. And I'm still sleepy although it's morning. So will hold on to the rest of the thoughts for now. Oh and it's finally rained. Baba might just be the reason we love the rains so much....

I'm almost glad now, that the Walden ashram won't be too far away from where I'll be :)

waiiiiiiiitttinggg

Alright. So I've been putting this off for quite a bit, but this is it. Really. I've been waiting to hear about my apps for the past few months now. The good bit is that not so many rejections till now means I would have survived several rounds of those, by now. The not so good news is that the wait is driving me nuts. It doesn't help that I had the week off from work.

I tried to keep myself busy, I really did. But honestly, nothing has worked. I pick up a book only to put it down after struggling to read a few pages. I begin a movie and pause it a zillion times just to check my email. I've been out with friends, but the whole time just thinking of what time and day it would be in several places in the US and therefore would there possibly be someone who would send out an email just when I'm not at home! I've begun sleeping alot more just to stop thinking about it, but now I'm just very over-slept and little else.

I don't want to talk to anyone about it. There really isn't much that people can say which they haven't already. I also don't have any answers to others who have begun enquiring about the status of the applications.

It's the worst kind of wait ever. Worse than the time I submitted the apps. Worse than most other things i don't like. It's a kind of anxiety you can understand only if you've been through this process. Why is it taking them so long? What if I don't make it? Am I really not that competent? What was I even thinking, applying there in the first place?! I couldn't be that bad an applicant, could I? What about funding?

Aaaaahhhh.... please god please (as M would say). Please! Just let me know. Whatever it is, just let me know. Please ...

This is the third blog in a day. It has got to be the hormones.

So, if you've read the previous two blogs you will know I fought with the lambu & got emotional over another person's email. And it hasn't even been three hours since I woke up.

RG is having his eyes checked up. It's very rarely that he discusses it, and even more rare that he shows his fears regarding it. Today morning apparently both happened. Ma has just unburdened herself to me, and bloggie is where I unburden my mind and soul. Hence this ...

So he's having two check ups done today. No one should have to worry about such things, especially not him. Not at this time. You can't do this to doctors. It's not fair.

The thing is, it's scary. And I'm sure it must be worse for him. And at times like these, coming from a doctors' family really doesn't help. Trust me.

Anyway I am not resting till someone tells us exactly what needs to be done, what precautions need to be taken, and how it will/won't affect his career as a doctor. And all of this needs to be clarified before he goes away to that awful country. Sometimes i wonder why do we even want to go there?

Which brings me to my second set of concerns. (You'd think the hormones would give me a break now atleast ...)

If RG & I both move out, which seems pretty likely, then it's a difficult thought to think of all those who we'll leave behind here. If anything, this is the time we need to be around, and support them the way they have been there for us, for our every need, all these years. At some level I do feel a little selfish. But then I also know that, like the lambu said, our parents also want the best for us ...

But still, I worry about what we would do if anything were to happen, on either side of the world. I wonder how many families have sort-of-sleepless nights once they're scattered? Or do they just get used to it?

The lambu & I

This blog entry is about one of my most favourite people in the world.

I fought with the lambu. I'm always least proud of myself when I fight with him. Mainly because he's always been only the nicest to me. And still I fight with him. The thing is, it's not like I am consciously aware of even when the argument begins. As someone just said to me, "you never know what will anger him" ... So anyway we were just talking and then my internet stopped working and when it finally fixed itself a few hours later, I found a very cruel, very mean, very very cold mail from the lambu in my inbox. And see, that's the thing, I knew it wouldn't be pleasant. Still I read it. Again and again and again. I don't understand this implicit need to go on torturing myself! Also, with the lambu's e-mail's, it's like I'm reading an article for one of my lectures. At first when I read it, I only get the 'english' of it. Then I read it a few more times, and each time a little more of the context filters through to my understanding. So obviously by the time I was done getting all of it, I had experienced the entire gamut of emotions -

huh?!

wtf?!

excuse me but where did this email come from?

what does he think of himself?

fine we'll have it his way

does he think it's going to kill me? it's so not! I'll show him

no wait a minute, why should I listen to him in the first place

I am so not doing things his way!

Then I tried to draft a reply. And re-drafted it 7 times exactly. Then the internet stopped working again. I have no choice but to call it divine intervention. Because somewhere at the back of my mind I had been thinking of just sleeping over it. Which is what I did. Of course my sleep was very very disturbed, but that's better than sending out a reply which is all gibberish.

When I woke up, the internet was working again. So I log in to Gmail, quickly scan all the facebook updates in the inbox, just read the ones from him, which anyway were fairly non-threatening compared to the email of last night. I delete the rest of the updates, knowing they'll anyway show up on the Fb homepage. And get down to replying to that dratted email. By now, I'm mentally tired, and I have cried a few times. Still I send out 2-3 lines trying to sound all calm and composed and 'cool' with it all. Obviously I was anything but that. Still I sent that email. And then finished doing the daily rounds of Fb.

Back to the Gmail inbox, with that chat column on the left showing him online. I click on his name. And I begin to type. Then I get confused about what I want to say. Then a little bit of the ego comes in the way, why should I initiate this?! Then I close that window. And stare at his name again. Then after a while I take a deep breath, click again on his name, and being typing out my apologies. That then led to a conversation which is best left undisclosed. It brought up some very unexpected points and by the end of it I felt just so hurt (I mean, I know the guy was angry n all, but alot of what he said was totally uncalled for) that even my brain zoned out and all I could do was breathe.

So I breathed. Cried but only a little bit. The thing is, I know we fight, and that we disagree on more things that most people do. And that sometimes I do give him a hard time. But I've never thought it all this can beat us. And I still don't think so.

But then I guess that's just me ...

I'm good at what I do. And proud of it.

It's nice when people at work appreciate what you do. It reinforces my belief in my work, in myself doing a good job of it. And at the end of the day the appreciation starts always from the students. That's where it then flows to the rest of the staff.

I'm happy today. I've realised yet again, that hard work and sincerity always get recognised. Always. Sooner or later. When it happens in a male dominated college & department, then it feels even nicer!