Friday, February 12, 2010

hmm

So Twitter's got me at long last. I'm finding it somewhat of a burden though, I'm confused between putting things down here, or just making a quick mention of them there. I don't really entirely like the convenience it offers!

Things at the place of work have been pretty bad. Unpleasant. Just letting them be that way for now. D said apologising would probably end up creating conditions in which I could end up making things worse :p
Last term is in any case the toughest. There's just no scope to postpone stuff. End feb/first week march and we unofficially wrap everything up.

North campus has begun to feel like Holi & Valentines' day all at the same time. The lovely weather in the city just adds to the niceness of it all. February is when you should be in Delhi. Every tree is blossoming, every bush and every corner has flowers sprouting out of it, the grass is greenest on everyone's side.

This weekend is also the first wedding in the circle of family friends who are now family for all practical purposes. It's going to be one big loud typical crazy hectic indian wedding. Looking forward to it. Surprisingly.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Did I mention D & I went for a weekend getaway to Mussoorie? The queen of the hills treated us with kindness and lots of sunshine, so thank you very much. I can't believe I forgot to carry a journal this time round. More than that I can't believe how many thoughts were bursting from my mind to be put down on paper. But well....

It's back to work from last week. Managed to sift through a pile of answer scripts till my eyes burned and the mind became absolutely numb. What it made it worth though were the claps, cheers & hoots that greeted me when I walked into class with them! The students are back, refreshed and full of new hope for this last term.

Spent last weekend volunteering at the crafts' stall the ashram people put up. Was good good fun! Picked up a whole lot of stuff for a whole lot of people in the process!

February is when the flowers begin to bloom in the city. It's the best time to be here. Warm sunshine, slight breeze and and lots n lots of red, yellow, pink, purple flowers growing out of every nook and corner....

Thursday, January 28, 2010

I have hurt someone. I didn't intend to, but I have. I am acutely aware of it. I couldn't sleep all night thinking how different things might have been had I edited one line.... just one line.

I was unsure about calling you up to do some damage control. I thought you would be angry and cold. Which you were. But I know the real reason I thought so much before giving you a call is because I was scared. Because talking to you reminded me that you hurt me too.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Changes

I have a new found respect for
  • the internet
  • webcams
  • the internet at airports
  • telephones
  • electricity
  • time-zone converters
  • internet through an iPod (?!)
and the many other unknown advancements that technology has made, and which quite frankly are beyond me.

Big one for the big guy

I think one of the most difficult phase of the 20s is the hunt for a job. It's made worse when all you're dying to do is begin working, earning, and possibly saving. It becomes hellish when the process of application & interviews leaves you questioning yourself in general, and your abilities in particular.
I don't know of too many friends who escaped this cycle, and the lambu is well, no exception.

So when he informed me that he has landed a job, I was super happy for him! I didn't scream or shout or cry though, as I & people around me had when I'd landed mine! But I felt happy. You know, the kind of happy that's just there inside of you, when you feel that someone has really got their due. And you sort of know what it means to them. How hard they worked for it, how badly they wanted it and how much they deserve it.

The lambu deserves every single tiny piece of good news that comes his way. This one ofcourse was a pretty big one. So here's to you lambu :) Hope this is just the beginning.

remember...

I have missed alot of people at different points of time in my life. Parents, when I was in the hostel, my friends from Mct when we shifted base to Del, S-C-P since we graduated, AB on numerous ocassions, RG when he was in the States, people I've gone on treks with, people I've worked/interned with.... I miss people fairly easily.

This time however the missing is almost as if someone has torn a part of me and taken it with themselves. There's a strange ache right from my heart to the pit of my tummy, and no matter how hard I try, I haven't been able to stop myself from crying. I know you had to leave, I've known it all along, there was no other way this could have been. Yet why can't I seem to stop saying 'I wish you weren't going away'... I know this won't kill me, and really its not as if you've died or something. But well I will miss being in the same time-zone as you, and how easy some things were because of it.

You've left me with a truckload of memories and I just don't know where to slot them in my mind/heart. I wouldn't exchange them for anything in the world. I do feel overwhelmed by it all.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Jan 1st musings

Another 1st of January. It usually takes me the whole of today to go over all that happened in the past year, one last time. To assure myself that I did the best I could have, that it was ok if I felt bad. The sunshine filters through curtains that have changed from orange to red, in a new room as I hum along to the Eagles' Tequila Sunrise.
In 2010 I hope to be more giving, more tolerant, less impatient, more aware. I hope to not lose sight of all the things I have and all the people around me who really do love me unconditionally - and the sense of security it brings to my life. I hope to not lose my faith in the goodness of people. I hope I can be more accepting when things don't go my way, as they are bound to! I hope the next few months are worth the wait - I hope there are many more conversations, laughs, photographs, big phone bills, shorter sleep hours - I hope I can let go entirely knowing someone will be there to catch me.
I will fight less with ma. I will be a better friend. I will indulge myself. I will go for longer walks, buy fresh flowers just generally.

Oh, well happy new year's baby
We could probably fix it if we clean it up all day
Or we could simply pack our bags
And catch a plane to Barcelona 'cause this city's a drag
I may take a holiday in Spain
Leave my wings behind me
Drink my worries down the drain
And fly away to somewhere new
Fly away to someone new....
(Counting Crows)
2010 I hope you're kind to me and those I love most.

Happy new year to you, to me and to bloggie!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

And the curtains fall...

2009 has just flown by. Yet there are moments of it which will stay with me forever. Or for sometime to come!
I have grown as a person, I have regained the sense of self that had gotten lost over the past few years. I am proud of my work, of what I do, and of myself.
I have discovered new things about myself. How long I will be tolerant, how far I will be pushed, how much I can take before I fight back....
I've discovered emotions I never knew I could feel. I've been red & pink!
I have come to appreciate people around me, I've realised its never too soon to say what you really feel about someone (because sometimes it might just be too late). I'm regaining my faith in love. I know, at the same time, that I can survive the process of letting go, painful as it might seem.

2009 has made me stronger, wiser, a little more realistic, alot more accepting....and leaves me with new hopes & dreams for 2010.
Happy holidays!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Forrest Gumping...

Forrest Gump: Will you marry me?
[Jenny turns and looks at him]
Forrest Gump: I'd make a good husband, Jenny.
Jenny Curran: You would, Forrest.
Forrest Gump: ...But you won't marry me.
Jenny Curran: [sadly] ... You don't wanna marry me.
Forrest Gump: Why don't you love me, Jenny?
[Jenny says nothing]
Forrest Gump: I'm not a smart man... but I know what love is

Sunday, December 6, 2009

I just saw my cluster-map. So many locations??!

Thanks everyone, for stopping by my blog once in a while :) I don't know you (all), which only makes this that much more special. Thank you!

So far...

It is turning out to be a magical december.

College has been at its most vibrant. December brings with it just the perfect weather to enjoy the city. The right mix of sunshine and a slight nip in the air. The university is buzzing with countless festivals - economics, history, english, sociology, movie screenings, dance/dramatics and what not! It does make me nostalgic. At the same time I do like being a part of this way. Especially their requests to be a judge :p Coursework is on track, but term-end is always tiring. Just the thought of all the loose ends that have to be tied together before we go in for the winter break is enough to exhaust one entirely.

This week was tiring also because RG & I were busy executing a surprise weekend getaway for the parents' anniversary. From their feedback so far, it seems to have been totally worth the effort :)

I have managed to watch a few movies, caught up with AB & D as well. AB's life has ended up getting alot messier than anyone could have imagined. Whatever happened to good things happening to good people, I wonder...

I've been surprised by myself in many ways recently. I've never been able to hide what I feel too well. But this time I seem to be setting new records for myself. While that in itself is astonishing, what's new is that somewhere I feel ok about it. Initially I did feel as though I was coming across as stupid/dumb/foolish, and while at some moments I did, usually I just feel like there's no point in holding back, in keeping it inside of me. Ofcourse the repercussions have been that the entire city has seen me grinning like a nutcase. The people at the metro station, the autowaalas, my students, colleagues, ma, friends (D said I've never looked like this!), and well a certain someone across a computer screen half way across the world.

Life can sometimes be so strange. It takes one unexpected turn and you have to figure it all out , all over again. I've realised it's best not to question some things. Sometimes you just can't do anything. Just have to let them happen. When they are meant to happen. If at all. This once, I am waiting, just to even hope/pray that it might work out...

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Mumbai 26/11 One Year On

It's one year today, from when the terror attacks happened at Mumbai. Memorial services are being held all over the country. There are call-in programs on TV, on the radio... I've just finished watching a short film, 'unn hazaaron ke naam', which has recounted the entire ordeal. It's as though we've had to go through it all over again. The young chef who lost his life at the Taj, the jewish baby who lost his parents, the hotel manager who lost his family... and the other thousands who felt that loss as their own.

I still remember how those three days had us glued to the TV and newspapers. There were moments when I just couldn't stop my tears. Not then, not today.

We lit a candle. There's something about candles isn't it? It stands for hope in the midst of so much helplessness. It stands for remembrance. and faith.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Head over Feet

It's been long. So long that I've forgotten what it feels like. I'm surprised by the happiness. The warmth. The knowing-ness that comes with it. And fun. Loads of that! The attention & the flirting! I've been having random conversations with M, P & AB but even to them I haven't been able to convey what I feel.

I didn't expect it to happen. Not right now. Not like this! And I couldn't do anything about it. I did try to resist, but well... :)

Ipod is playing Alanis' Head over Feet...

...You treat me like I'm a princess
I'm not used to liking that
You ask how my day was

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

Monday, November 16, 2009

:)

Reefknot is back in the blogosphere. And she has put down such a nice quote, do check it out! (nov 13th)

As for me, the world has changed. Significantly. It seems hard to believe!

Friday, November 13, 2009

I've always had a thing about honesty. I can't lie. To anyone. It shows instantly. At the same time I usually expect people to be equally honest with me. Now sometimes that ends up with them saying things I don't agree. Or don't want to agree with. It is at moments like those that I wish people would just say what I want to hear, even if it's not the whole truth. Is that so wrong? Or just part of being human?

Thursday, November 12, 2009

december challenge...

The lambu has been ruthless for the past few days. And he's trying to woo my Ma! They gang up against me. Let december come...I will not let him win :p

undergrads

It has suddenly become very cold in Delhi. It snows in Shimla, and our woollens are out. It doesn't help that half the population is down with the flu. Including your truly. Teaching becomes most difficult then. To stand for an hour, do some heavy duty talking while at the same trying to gauge the mood of 45-50 nineteen year olds, when your body feels like wood and head like a stack of hay - is no childs play!

This week particularly the boys seem to be very restless. This week seems to have been marked by a lull in their sports & dramatics activities, so a whole bunch of lanky and very naughty backbenchers have been making my class discussions more animated than usual :)

Yesterday I had to however ask them to try and maintain silence since I was croaking like a frog. They immediately quitened down. At the end of the lecture one of them very innocently enquired 'maam will we have class tomorrow?". My automatic response was why wouldn't we?! And he says 'no maam, you're not feeling well, so you should take a day off and rest' - LOL! All the while I could make out the impish grin of his, and those around them, hoping for a free day...

Today one of them came up to me as I wrapped up some work and said 'maam do I trouble you alot in the class?" :) I honestly didn't know what to say to him! I had an urge to laugh out loud, but well had to control that one. I told him I'd let him know when he was stepping the bounds, and that it was fine, 'its the age' for him to trouble me and for me to have enough tolerance to enjoy it than be bothered by it!

Another time one of them turned up, looking very apologetic about his low attendance in class. 'maam I really want to improve my attendance'.....

I do love these kids. I can't help it!
The festival season has begun in the university. So all the dance, dramatics, music people are busy with practices. It's infectious, the urge to not attend class! The weather just adds to the temptation of sitting down with a good cup of coffee and some good music.

Monday, November 9, 2009

I feel terribly alone. There's an emptiness right in the pit of my stomach. It's like a hollow. I feel like all I want to do is to have a good cry. But I'm unable to. The tears just won't come. I thought it would help to talk to some friends. But I just wasn't able to get the words out of my mouth. Instead all I said was 'So, whats happening?' and tried to sound normal while the conversation lasted.

Why does it have to be so hard?

To forgive. To forget. To trust, again.
To believe. In love.
To have faith. In others. In myself.
To be tolerant.
To smile.
To laugh. Even at the bad times.

Why does it have to be harder to not wish that you were here. To never hope for another bouquet of flowers. From you. Even if they are orchids again. To resist the urge to just pick up the phone and talk to you. Especially right now.
Why must it all be so hard?

Saturday, November 7, 2009

F*** ETS

I have had ALL my education in english - my schooling, my undergrad, my masters. I now teach in an english-medium university, and a top-notch one at that. I speak english more fluently than hindi (my native language). I have read more literature, heard more music, seen more plays in english than in Hindi. When I get angry I am more coherent in English.
YET just because the US follows certain systems, I have to take the TOEFL. Which I did, a week back. I took a day off from work to 'prepare' for it. During the test I felt nothing short of brain-dead. What is this passage about? What is the conversation about? Blah Blah Blah. Utter useless nonsense.
I don't have an issue with this stupid exam. Maybe there are people for who it really does reflect some ability to speak/read/understand the English language. I have an issue with having to pay $165 for a test I really don't need. AND I have an issue with having to pay an extra $17 for additional score reports. $17?? Why on earth does it cost them that much?! Especially since most of these are now electronically sent from ETS to the univs. (for the GRE it is $20).

It's ok to have a policy where you want score reports, it's even understandable that you want them from the official source. But that you charge so much for them? Where's the justification in that? Take the alternate case for transcripts - they r official too, we get them from the univs, and in most cases they are provided to us free of cost (or very minimal if at all). Then what is too great about ETS? And seriously those four 'free' score cards - how many people actually apply to just 'four' places??!? More so when especially for TOEFL there's this stupid mandatory requirement for all international students! I mean seriously, atleast we got our english from the English....

Everyone knows that applying to a place like the US/UK involves money. I know, since I'm going to be exhausting almost a year's worth of savings, and I work as a professor! One can understand application fee, but forced expenditure just does not seem logical/justified. I wonder why so many international students are quiet about this?

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Proud me

"Should we start a petition to get you back?" said one of the students at my old place of work.

"We miss you" messages are still pouring in.

"Heard they were very happy with you. Good show!" said Mojo.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

'M' for Madness

I've been shuttling between north campus, JNU & home for the past few weeks. That translates into innumerable metro & rickshaw (cycle and auto) rides. Ofcourse Delhi is beautiful at this time of the year, so it's not so bad. I get to cross my favourite part of the city - the Rajpath/India Gate area - in the lovely early-winter sun. It feels nice.

Today after ages met up with M. The woman has offically gone insane. She seems to constantly raise the bar when it comes to outdoing her eccentricities. Someone who has to submit her research synopisis in 3 weeks time and has no clue what she's going to do. Someone who has not bothered to collect her scholarship money. And infact doesn't even remember if she applied to claim it in the first place! Same for the change in her thesis guide - apparently she moved from one Prof to another and now thinks she just thought about it in her 'mind'. Even the two bhaiyyas at the office coulnd't believe her! They looked at her in utter disbelief - "...matlab aapne apply hi nahin kiya?"
LOL!


Sunday, October 25, 2009

Sunday morning ramblings

Have you ever felt that there are times when you can do absolutely nothing but laugh at fate? Or destiny.
If there is one thing I have learnt in this arranged - marriage process, it is this. I have hated it, resisted it, looked down upon it, even loathed it sometimes. Yet today I feel like I've gotten to know how it works. And at the end of almost 10 months of it, I can still proudly hold my head up amidst the sea of supposedly-eligible men and say that I deserve better. I remember thinking how no man could ever be good enough. It was something that I just implicitly assumed, never bothering to delve deeper for concrete reasons. Today though I know why. Maybe that's something this process teaches you? To re-discover a little bit of yourself as you try to discover someone else.

I still recall the first day Ma began making the phonecalls. I was in tears within 5 minutes! I felt terrified of everything. The prospect of having to meet a complete stranger and his family scared me to pieces. I didn't know what I would say to him. I mean, how on earth would I ever have a conversation with a complete stanger? Add to that the anxiety of meeting his parents. It wasn't easy. The first two times I was trembling as I went in to meet them! But it has gotten better along the way. If anything, atleast I know how to keep a conversation going for around 1.5 hrs with someone who I just don't know! But that's not the only development. I've learned not to take offense so easily. I've learned to give people the benefit of the doubt. I've learned that good looks are really not everything. I've also learned that a man's shoes say alot about him!! I've learned how to ask probing questions without seeming too blunt - or to not feel so bad about questions that turn out to be not so subtle. I've also learned how to handle some very personal, and still painful, questions.

The stars seem to have changed their alignment since lately I have met some nice guys. Now I'm learning not to keep those hopes too high up (although deep inside I can't seem to let go of the optimism!). Yet I know I'm now strong enough to survive the disappointment, should it arise.


Thursday, October 22, 2009

'Tumhari Amrita'...

Watched this play called 'tumhari amrita'. Finally. I had gone to watch it many years back, with this friend from college. He got so late that we missed the play! And since then it has been staged in the city innumerable times, but I've never made it. Till today. It Was Awesome. Shabani Azmi & Farooq Sheikh were just excellent. Imagine a stage with two wooden desks and chairs, side by side. Two people. And a pile of letters they exchanged over a period of 35 odd years. Shabana's intonations were superb, for any kind of emotion!
The Osian film fest is also about to begin too. I'm missing the quirky character who has moved to the States.... might just rope M in..

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

In the head of two 25-yr-olds

Spent the day with AB. We went to CP and while we did shop some bit, it was more of conversation. We both needed it. We both were glad to realise we aren't alone in this mess of feelings that we are fighting.
When I look at my students I am struck by the fact that while I am not all that elder to them, I have infact gone through quite a bit since I finished my undergrad. Looking back at my years at DU, I remember feeling almost invincible. As though everything was possible, everything I wanted was within my reach. Even if it wasn't, how bad could it get?
Yet now I feel that the years since I turned 21 have been full of just so many ups and downs, so many unexpected turn of events, the kinds I never did anticipate. The kind I did survive, but also the kind that each left me with a little less faith and a lot more questions than before. I feel jaded at some level; and tired of trying to understand what's happening around me.
I love my job, yet at times I wish I could just leave everything and just be. Not work, not study, not do anything. Even though I know I would crave to get back to teaching within two days, or even less! I love my family, they have been the backbone of my life. And yet I find myself wanting to get away from everyone I know here, from all their opinions, advice, guidance. Even when I know they mean well.
These days I feel like a line from Alanis Morrisette's 'Ironic' - I'm here but I'm really gone. I seem to be doing everything on auto-pilot, but my mind's just on a different plane all together. I can't even clearly identify just what it is that's troubling me. PhD. Marriage. Meeting a guy. Trying my best not to argue with parents about him. Being very patient when grandparents call to ask about the guy.
Just trying to stay sane with all this....

Sunday, October 18, 2009

DDLJ...

They're showing DDLJ tonight, on TV. If there's one movie we can all sit down together and watch, more than a decade after it was released, it is this one. (Earlier this year it completed 700+ weeks of running successfully at the Maratha Mandir in Mumbai)
It's the quintessential bollywood movie, it doesn't get any better! SRK & kajol are awesome together. Add to it elements of love, Europe, family values, fights, awesome music....
It's so much fun!! How everyone remembers their favourite scenes/dialogues and says them out aloud a few seconds before they actually come on! Eveyone!
"aisa pehli baar hua hai, satra atthra saalon mein..." :D
"..man, i hate girls!"
"bade bade deshon mein....." :)
"bharosa hai?...khud se zyada"
The "phurrr" vs "aao aao" scene where they feed the pigeons! LOL!!
The sarso ke khet..
'Mehendi laga ke rakhna'..... haaaye! :p

Nice-ness...

blah

So, our diwali was very nice. Lots of food, lots of friends, lots of lamps & candles and all that! We even managed a rangoli. Firecrackers were there too, (not us!), but not as many as in previous years. Which I suppose is a good thing.

Today met up with AB & Ashi for lunch. Poor AB, she's in town for 3 days and is having to meet almost half-a-dozen guys! Lol! It goes without saying that she's just rejecting them, almost on auto-pilot. I guess we've all become numb to some extent. We were talking about how just a year back Ashi & I were so against marriage, while the other two weren't. It's odd, how much we've changed in such a short while. Anyhow...we've known each other for almost a decade..wow..who would have thought we'd all be sitting one day talking about getting married!

These past few weeks I was just focussing on my apps. And in a funny way, it was all good. Smooth. Then today, again, the world had to go mess up my plans. Just when I don't want to get to know a guy, just when I don't want to talk to him, just when I don't want to think of marriage, why must he call me up just then? This is so not done. Just not fair. . I just don't know what to do anymore.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

'somehow i just don't believe it'

This week has been one where I have felt, for the first time, that there is a God watching over us. And I mean, right above our heads. I can't recall a time when all our work got done so smoothly. We've sold ma's car for a fortune! (And we never ever manage these things!). The people at JNU (profs & admin) were SO efficient, I couldn't believe my eyes & ears! The day I went there, all the people I needed to meet with were present, available and willing. I so could not believe it. I still don't. Recommendations? Sure. Transcripts? Not a problem. Degree certificate? Certainly!
Even the diwali preparations have gone off without a hitch.

It's like when Soul Asylum sings "...somehow I, just don't believe it."

Diwali Week..

Ok, so the festival of diwali is probably the biggest thing in the hindu calendar. This week has been hectic.
Having learnt from our past mistakes, we did our shopping a week in advance this time. That gave us the opportunity to browse through all kinds of hampers of sweets, chips, juices without being pushed and pulled in opposing directions by a dozen totally random strangers. The news channels are going out of their way with stories of how the sweets this year are posioned with urea and what not. Seriously, you would think we would atleast spare the sweets. So anyway we've stuck to some really nice cakes & juices. Traditionally we visit all our relatives, one by one, in the week leading up to diwali, to wish them & hand these goodies over. That is something like 6 households (or more now that some cousins have gotten married), different parts of the city, insane traffice (since everyone else also is doing the same!) and a working week. Not easy!!! Also when an equal number of family & friends are coming over to our house as well. It's basically loony.

We've also shopped for candles (apparently they are expensive this year cuz some candle factory caught fire - i so don't believe that), and diyas (earthen lamps). The diwali lights are up as well - every year the Chinese seem to find a new string of lights to sell to us!). The house has been cleaned. Flowers will be bought on diwali morning, as will garland of marigolds (gaenda phool?). We are still thinking of a design for this year's rangoli (coloured patterns/designs made at the entrance of homes).

All in all, all's well.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Oh, and pray why has the Nobel Peace prize gone to Obama???

Whatever

I can't believe a few bruises on my foot kept me out of action for almost a week. Should be back on the road tomorrow. Keeping fingers crossed.

I have painstakingly put together a list of univs I want to apply to. Let me just say it wasn't easy. Browsing through endless web-pages, emailing professors and students...not to mention the free advice that everyone in India is always ready with! I really don't understand the lack of emphasis on development econ in most US universities. So anyway my initial list of about 18-20 has come down to 8-10, which I feel is rather reasonable. My next worry is whether or not I'll manage to get the reccos in time! I'm also gearing up to explain my choice of mostly non-heterodox econ schools to my profs at JNU. . And of course the over-riding concern is the possibility of having to relocate to an entirely different country! It's happened twice in the recent past. It could have been Hong Kong. And as of today, it could be Singapore. I'm left speechless at the ease with which people then say, "Oh, don't apply to the States, apply to *** place instead!". All I can do is shrug/throw up my hands in surrender (while I scream internally). Yeah, whatever...

Diwali is coming up. And the weather has cooled down. Atleast something is normal. Diwali has always been marked by a slight chill in the air - not too cold for you to have to wear woollens, but cool enough to signal the transition from summer cottons to winter silks.

By the way, I put in a map widget on the blog sometime back. It's sort of cool to see the red dots on it! I can guess a few, but some I can't. I didn't even know there were strangers reading this.... waah!

Sunday, October 4, 2009

I am in pain. And it's turning out to be very difficult to walk. So much for that cutie...!
A cousin of mine is shifting to Singapore this week. Needless to say we are all extremely happy for him. And the entire extended family is now planning for vacations in that part of the world! We went to meet him yesterday and I had to bandage my foot. When I was a kid I used to crave for those gauze and cotton bandages but my parents almost never felt the need for me to have one. RG would always get to flaunt them I remember.Ironic how this time I got a nice big bandage, and for once I didn't want it.

My lambu friend is back in the singles' club after quite a while. I almost don't believe it.

The list of univs for the PhD has been finalised. I feel I should narrow it down further, the applications will bankrupt me!

Friday, October 2, 2009

Jogging and then some...

The Delhi half marathon is coming up in November. It's reflected in the increased number of people coming out in the evenings for brisk walks/jogs. That would include me too.

So there I was, out with my music, lost in several thoughts, when all of a sudden this guy overtook me. Now there's nothing wrong with that, I mean anyone could overtake me. The thing is, and this isn't the first time I've felt it, when the guy in question happens to be smart/attractive/good looking etc, then it's like my feet go on auto-pilot. I just don't get tired! Just the presence of someone that good sharing the road with you is enough to keep you going. I mean, me. Especially if he's running in the direction opposite to you. You keep wanting to reach the point where invariably the two of you have to cross. (Me, i mean!). It's nice though, and you can tell the feeling is mutual ;)

So anyway the down side of that was, on returning home I found out a blood soaked sock and shoe. Apparently the scar (I have a big bad scar on my right foot, from a childhood road accident, and some parts of it are extra prone to injury) had bled. While such a thing has been a fairly common occurrence (the result being I've had to use a whole stock of insoles, ankle supports etc etc over the years), it usually doesn't lead to so much bleeding. So it did leave me a bit shaken today. But well, like ma said, it also shows that the damn thing is 'healthy' (some blood supply issues). Whatever.

Looks like atleast for tomorrow the road might not be mine.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

I watched 'City of God'. I can't believe I hadn't seen it till now. It's really really good!

Met up with P yesterday. I'm guessing we met after a very long time considering she commented on almost everything about me! Lol! (Except for the watch). Apparently I even speak more in english now than hindi ("I know you're a prof but this isn't a lecture!")- again not true!! But well, same old madness, just a different day.

I feel like right now I really want to write about something (that I'm aware of). But I'm just unable to.
So good night for now.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Phew!

This has easily been the longest week in a very long time. Even longer than the previous one and that was a seriously painful week.
I was down with flu. I missed being a 19 year old who could just sleep in, monday to friday, instead of having to get up early, take the auto-metro-rick to college and speak for hours with a very sore throat, a fuzzy feeling in the head and a body that just wants to curl up in a nice warm bed.

The university where I teach has holidays in the first two weeks of october every year. Earlier this time would correspond with the beginning of the festival season in the country. In recent years however the festivals seem to begin a few days before october and go on till a few days after Oct'15th. This results in the holidays stretching on, unofficially.

September is all about navratras, ramzan, durga puja and this year Dussehra too seems to be falling in Sept. Which is why most students have already returned to their home towns. So unofficially yesterday was the last teaching day in this term. And since diwali is on Oct'17th and bhai-dooj a few days after that, the kids won't be returning before Oct'20th. That's practically a month of holidays for them! Ofcourse it's never enough as they were quick enough to remind me that last year the lunar calendar granted them a little more than 4o days of festivities! Needless to say I, for my part, am going to miss them alot, you can't help but grow fond of them.

Yesterday D's boss was on leave. So we had one of those once-in-a-very-long-time relaxed days. Had lunch at the india islamic cultural centre, which has an excellent restaurant, they cook some of the nicest indian food. Then walked down to Eatopia at the habitat centre, where we leisurely munched over some chocolate truffle. And checked out what was going on in terms of plays, movies etc. Just going to IHC can have such a soothing effect on your nerves, what with it's eco-friendly design. I wish I could have a home like that one day.
After that we went to Dilli Haat. That is one place we've never needed a reason to go to. There's always something to do there. Just walk amongst the stalls selling indian handicrafts - looking at some bits of silver jewellery or kurtas or silks or wood carvings or the lovely madhubani painting etc. In recent times it's become rare that we've picked up something, mostly because it's the same old stuff (for us) and slightly because, on the rare occassions that we have infact liked something, the seller has been more busy wooing americans/europeans! We did however stop at every single stall, D made sure of it. When we got tired, it was time for some momos at the Sikkim food stall (there is no better place for momos there). You know the sauce they serve them with, the one that's made up of red chillies and very little of anything else? Well, more or less it is spicy/hot to the same extent. Knowing which, D very confidently put five spoonfuls of it in each of our plates. After the first bite however, all we could say was "what have they put in this thing?!!" It was just so spicy. More hot than any chilli-based sauce or pickle I've ever had. We had tears running down our eyes, and running noses, and even then we couldn't resist it.
Eventually we picked up a whole lot of candles and diyas (lamps) for diwali from about half-a-dozen stalls of an association called 'Arunim' which works towards rehabilitation of mentally challenged people - it is an indirect initiative of the ministry of social justice and empowerment - infact the reason the stalls were so good this time was because this fornight they seem to have been given out to craftsmen identified under the same criteria. D & I usually do our diwali shopping together, looking for the best bargains, and we can confidently say their stuff was the prettiest we have seen in years. Bought some diyas handpainted pink, blue, green with sequins and what not.

It's safe to say that the festive spirit is well in the air. We went and watched 'Ramayan' a few days back at the Shri ram bhartiya kala kendra. It's one of the two main epics of hinduism. Basically Lord Ram did a whole lot of good deeds, and in the end killed the evil Ravana and returned home after 14 yrs of exile. Their 'Ram' wasn't as good as the previous ones we've seen but well the whole experience nevertheless was nice. The choreography, colours, costumes... AND the best part was at the end, at the exit there was this guy selling kiddy bow & arrows, swords and 'gadaa' (I am struggling to recall what it's called in english - is it a club?) - you know, the kinds they make out of cardboard, and then cover with alot of colourful chartpapers/cellophane sheets. And they fill the hollow part of the club with some stones or such-like, so that when you shake it, it makes that sound! I can't remember the last time I saw these things! I recall they used to be so popular when we stayed with my grandfather (before we left for muscat), and every year these sellers would ride on their bicycles through the streets, with these 'toys' mounted on a stand which was somehow fixed on to their bikes. That was easily 15 years back, if not more. RG & I were just so kicked to see them again! We,like the rest of the 5-10 yr olds there, surrounded that fellow and asked/haggled the price! We are now the proud owners of the biggest bow, one dozen paper arrows, and a smaller 'gadaa' :D Aah Fun-ness!

Yesterday there were garba/dandiya celebrations in our neighbourhood. In the garba, you use your hands to clap as you turn and twirl in circular formations which can be made of hundreds of people at a go. In the dandiya, you use wooden sticks instead. There's a vey distinct beat, to which you can only do the garba/dandiya, and nothing else!

It's the end of navratras today. Probably the enitre nation will be eating chana-puri-halwa! It also marks the end of 9 days of "no non-veg"! Ask anyone and they will tell you how much stronger the craving for any kind of non-veg is during the navratras!

Tomorrow is Dusshera. There will be huge effigies of Ravana (the evil demon) constructed everywhere, with 11 heads since he had so many of them, and they will be filled with fircrackers. In the evening, at the auspiciously determined time, all of them will be set to fire, thus marking the victory of good over evil. Diwali comes 20 days after Dussehra, when Lord Rama finally returned home - that's when we light the candles and lamps. More on that in 20 days time.

Monday, September 21, 2009

New somethings...

Everything's in place on the work front, and I like the change.

Something seems to be coming in place on the personal front too. And it's been a long long time coming, judging by what some of the closest friends have had to say about it! Everyone is expressing some element of disbelief - I ofcourse figure on the top of that list.
Nothing to lose and everything to win.... More later.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Daisies, NYC, Godfather, Pride & Prejudice

I don't usually download alot of movies. Simply because 99% of the times some virus or the other hits my computer. But I just had to watch 'You've Got Mail' this weekend. It took 20 hours to download but well it was all good.
It's one movie ma and I thoroughly enjoy. I think if I were to ever visit New York city I would want to see it in the You've Got Mail way. With a bunch of daisies. There was also a time when all I wanted to do with my life was to open a 'shop around the corner'.
Given how upsetting the past few days have been, I did particularly enjoy some of the dialogues more than usual -
Joe - "...On the other hand, I must warn you that when you finally have the pleasure of saying the thing you mean to say at the moment you mean to say it, remorse inevitably follows."

This one though is my absolute favourite - :)
Joe - "It wasn't... personal."
Kathleen - "What is that supposed to mean? I am so sick of that. All that means is that it wasn't personal to you. But it was personal to me. It's *personal* to a lot of people. And what's so wrong with being personal, anyway? ....Whatever else anything is, it ought to begin by being personal."

Kathleen - "...Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, valuable, but small. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don’t really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So goodnight, dear void. "

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Nothing

This past week has been hell. I start work at a new, and better, place from Monday, but I can confidently say that all the excitement and pride I felt about it has just vanished after the past few days which have been very unpleasant for no reason at all. Apparently the place I am leaving is infamous for creating such situations. I just never believed it till now.

I just feel empty right now. I'm exhausted by all the anger and frustration. And I can't seem to get back the initial feeling of jubilation.
I'm reminded of this one song by Dire Straits....

(Baby) I see this world has made you sad
Some people can be bad
The things they do,
the things they say....
... why worry...
these things have always been the same

The only silver lining is that apparently the SRCC kids told the LSR ones that "S*** ma'am is so cool.....we really like her!"...and at the end of the day, I believe that's what really matters.

Friday, September 11, 2009

End of a something

Surprise farewell from my students. Present, flowers, cake...I was overwhelmed!
It's amazing how efficient the student grapevine is. Even before I entered college, it seems the SRCC kids told the LSR ones about my appointment there, so I had to deal with a lot of 'whyyyy them?' issues!
Administration hassled me no end. But today, I fought back. Infact I reasoned, argued, screamed at everyone who tried to tell me my 'right' - which I am very clear about and which they are trying to fudge. I especially hate it when the inefficient admin staff talks to me. Just told them to shut up. I only speak to the HoD and Principal, not irrelevant incompetent idiots. I mean, give me a break. I can't take nonsense from everyone only because they are men and/or older to me. I don't function that way.
So, new beginnings from monday. Past few days have been so exhausting that they've almost taken away the feeling of jubilation that should have been there, but well I have the weekend to get it back.
Aur ab koi mujhse panga le kar dekhe...kutte kahin ke.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Arggghh

There are times when I seriously want to kill someone. Like today. I just refuse to tolerate things anymore. The amount of nonsense I have to put with from the moment I wake up to the moment I sleep - it's a wonder I haven't killed myself already.
I have got an offer to teach at the best undergrad institute in this country for my subject. I have every right to resign from my current institute, according to the terms of the contract. And yet they are not relieving me. I've heard a whole lot of crap about institutional commitment etc - it's surprising they are even saying this to me considering I haven't been paid since July. To add insult to injury they tell me I can teach at 'any other' college from next month - are they blind?! You cannot compare 'the best' to just 'any other'. It's just not done.
Anyway after a day of frantic phonecalls and running around, I have confirmed one thing - No one can stop me from joining the other place.
And please, duniya bhar ki moral obligations mere sir pe nahin hain. Baksh do mujhe. So, it's bound to get unpleasant when I meet the principal tomorrow, but seriously, I just don't care.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Changes

I am super duper proud of myself :D
Just like I was last year when they appointed me at LSR. Moving on to the sister concern now. (Brother concern is more like it!).

Change has been set into motion. Just when I was craving for it.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Death has it's own way

Yesterday the breaking news was the disappearance of Andhra Pradesh CM, YSR Reddy's helicopter. Today morning the breaking news was that dead bodies of all the five people on board have been found. It wasn't the Army, Air Force, ISRO, Tribal people, and all kind of hi-tech stuff that finally located the crash site. Instead it was the signal of one of the cellphones that survived the crash....
Tens of thousands of people have begun gathering at his residence, to pay their last respects. Today is also the last day of Ganesh Chaturthi.
Ma predicted it yesterday itself. I was a little more optimisitc. She called it youth. I suppose she's right.
It was also a chance for some of us to catch a glimpse of the Nallamalla forest. I for one had never heard of it till today, and I can safely say the media footage took by breath away. Such a large untouched expanse of forest area in our country...
We were talking about this at college, and JS mentioned that no matter how rich or poor one is; no matter how well known or obscure, in the end death has it's own way.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

September memories

"Wake me up, when september end.." - A friend had this as her status message on facebook today. I totally second that thought.

Today has been an unusually nostalgic day. The weather was perfect - cloudy skies, rains and good strong post-rain winds.

September means realising that we are nearing the end of the year. It means way too many birthdays to remember - and all of people who are very very close to me. From last year it also means AB's loss.
But over and above that, September will always and forever remind me of one day in particular, just like it did today.

There was a wedding
There was an insane downpour
There were friends and professors
all dressed up

There was a boy
walking my way
An unexpected hug
Incredulous looks all around

Damp locks
Beige-and-White
You were there
That was enough

It was then
that I knew
and it's been a long
long time
since that day.


The surprising thing is, that memory still makes me smile.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Economist? Me?!

I feel there has been utterly and completely no use of me having studied economics. None at all. I went on an insane shopping spree yesterday. I am embarassed to even list all all the stuff I bought. I really felt like that girl from 'Confessions of a Shopaholic' when she goes to buy that green scarf - where even the mannequins begin talking to you! Oh and as for things like debit/credit cards, they are not meant for people like me. I practically bankrupted myself! So not good. But well, I just couldn't help it!! It was just one of those days when I found clothes I liked, in my size (which is a very big deal when you're as small as I am), in colours I like and styles I wear. So like I said, I just couldn't help it. Plus I was accompanied by my darling cousin L who very patiently convinced me that "it's looking good Didi, I think you should definitely take it."
At times like these I really do love my friend :p They were 'proud' of me (haha). And said it's ok since I 'hardly' splurge on 'myself'.... which isn't entirely untrue you know!

L came over to stay on saturday after all of us attended another music concert, this time by the Isha Foundation. I won't say much except that the music was good. And yummy chaat afterwards!

Basically, good weekend. Especially the crazy banter between RG & L :D

Thursday, August 27, 2009

IPTA - Lost Songs of the Freedom Struggle

IPTA (Indian Peoples Theatre Association) has been in existence since the 1940s, with the aim of expanding the scope of participatory democracy beyond the political processes at the parliament. While it has been involved in dance, theatre, music, and photography, the songs composed and sung by IPTA stalwarts during the independence struggle got lost somewhere along the way.

I first heard of IPTA during my undergrad years, and later at JNU where alot of students were involved I knew were involved withit. I was surprised to know that one of our own faculty members, infact from our department, has been researching these songs for the past 3-4 yrs. She recently performed at IIC/IHC etc, and today the ensemble played at college too - Dr.S.D., Deepak Castelleno on guitar (and banjo!), and Tapan Mallik on the Cello.

The songs were in Hindi, Urdu, Punjabi, Malayalam and Telugu. They centered around themes of both resistance and celebrations - the 1940s & '50s - the Bengal Famine of 1943, the Jallianwala Bagh massacre, the Telangana movement in Andhra Pradesh, the Second World War and the communal violence in the wake of the Partition of India. They were beautiful.

Probably because of their simplicity - both, the lyrics and music was such that it just resonated in your heart. She sang a beautiful "heer" (a Punjabi song) on the Bengal famine, in a manner that it is apparently sung on the Afghanistan-Pakistan border. It was just so haunting. She also recalled singing Mekhdoom Mohiuddin's 'Jaane waale sipahi se puchho' at Khalsa College right after the Anti-Sikh riots in the country (1984) and how the music had a cathartic effect on the people gathered there.

At the end of the show she asked Deepak & Tapan to play some music which the audience had to guess. All of us strained to figure out the soulful music that played and gradually halfway through it everyone began to stand up - it was the national anthem! Now the thing is, the latter half of it was the Indian anthem, and the first half was the Pakistani national anthem (the part we couldn't figure out) - I cannot tell you how lovely the entire composition was. Have been trying to find it online but no luck so far. (Madan Gopal was the composer).

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Muuuuuzik

Sweetness. The music scene in the city has finally begun again.

Attended a performance by Pt.Birju Maharaj and his son Deepak Maharaj today. The son is Good! And Panditji was as adorable as ever. Also at the same programme, Pt.Shiv Kumar Sharma played the santoor - I've never heard it live before, and I loved every note he played. Both were accompanied by Pt.Yogesh Samsi, who has been trained by the great Ustad Alla Rakha.... yes the evening was very very delightful.

SPIC MACAY inaugurates it's season this 27th with Pt.Hariprasad Chaurasia :) I am reminded of last year when RG & I went all the way to north campus for it... am hopeful we both will find the time for it this time too...

Delhiites just CAN'T switch off their cellphones at music concerts. Just Can't.
Too sleepy to write more.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Econ, death, walks etc

Attended a fantastic lecture by Amit Bhaduri yesterday, on his Vision for India in 2047, at the IIC. Needless to say it was every bit worth it. He spoke about how the forces of globalisation essentially imply a focus on the external markets as a source of economic growth. And how, he feels, we need to instead look at
  1. internal sources of demand stimulus
  2. greater financial autonomy to the Panchayats
  3. Sustainable employment opportunities for the poorest
to generate a self sustaining growth strategy. 'Resistance and reconstruction' is what he called it, in context of the recent cases of agricultural land being acquired for purposes of industrialisation.
I also realised how much clearer my concepts have become since I've begun teaching. That ofcourse made me quite happy.

On a second note, we've had some sudden bad news. When the parents were in Hungary last month, they met a Gujju family there - a young couple and their two very youg kids - based in Dubai. It seems the man met with an accident last weekend and passed away. I haven't ever met them, but even then my parents gave such a vivid account of how they travelled together for a few days etc, that I did feel saddened by the news.
It also made me realise, not for the first time, how much I/we take things for granted. Odd that it takes such news to put things into perspective. I'm sure there must be other ways since I've had more than my share of death-related news in the recent past.

Thirdly, the evening walks/jogs have begun again. Don't you just love the feel of a pair of brand new sneakers? I am seriously tempted to wear them to work as well.... I'm so reminded of the college days right now :D

Monday, August 24, 2009

PLEASE

Ok, so I know there are a whole load of inefficiencies in this country. And we find a way to live with them/get around them. But today, for once, please world, just give me a break.

I have had classes since morning. I then return at 4, to pick up a recharge coupon for my cellphone. Nothing extraordinary in that. Except that instead of charging it at the shop itself (which is what I usually do), I bring it home. I was thinking of escaping the heat, and thinking that seriously nothing could go wrong with it. But well....I scratch the damn thing to get the recharge pin code, and guess what - IT ISN'T THERE.
I honestly am in no mood to go back to that guy, and ask him to fix this problem. He'll say it's my fault/he can't do anything about it/it's the company's fault etc etc etc. And yet, if I don't go back to him I will just keep getting more and more pissed off about the entire matter thinking about how I couldn't set it right.

.

.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Flooded!

Everything about the weather here was normal till yesterday afternoon. Then my cousin sister and my nephew came over, bringing with them 'pleasant' weather - the nice pre-monsoon breeze and tons of clouds.

Then it began to rain. Then in poured. So much that we couldn't see a single thing from the windows except for a white sheet of rain. And then it began it creep into the house.
We live on the 6th floor, so unlike M's low-lying ground-floor house we never really considered the possibility of our house being flooded. But well, it was. All of it except RG's & my room.
It was fun, to be honest :) The nephew & I had been barefoot till then ( seriously, who in this awful weather would not take advantage of the cool farsh). We put on our chappals and went chhapp-chhapp all over the house! Now that I think of it, we should have remained barefoot, but the chappals make a better sound.

Anyway then we spent about 30-45 mins trying to push the water out through the two balconies, and the main staircase outside. Brooms, mops, old towels, newspapers...Phew!

Friday, August 21, 2009

I want

Less noise

Fewer People

More humility

Less traffic

Nicer Climate

Practical timetables

Efficient services

Drivers who use indicators and not their arms to signal where they want to go

Less Honking

Students who think for themselves

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Had a Want-to-punch-everyone-who-comes-in-my-way day. Too much. Just Too Much. TGIF tomorrow.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

"Ma'am, have you seen Kaminey?"
"Yes, I have."
"Ma'am, wasn't it just awefome??!" :D

Throat's been hurting for a while now. Feeling not too well.
There's been an auto strike for two days now. Entire public transport system has come to a standstill. Private cabs charging as much as Rs.350 for roughly 10 kms - highway robbery!! Anyhow hopefully things will get back to normal from tomorrow.

And well, The PhD Project has begun.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Dhan Te Nan...!!

I have had an amazing weekend. And thanks to an unrelenting downpour & an auto strike, there's no way to get to work today. I'm not sure how happy I am about it since I do begin to miss my college if the weekend extends beyond the usual two days. But well, yes, I am a little happy nonetheless!
So, firstly, please please please watch Kaminey. Finally a Bollywood movie which comes close to being 'different'. Fast paced, good songs, and quite a diversity of characters. Especially in the end when they all come together. Nice!
That apart, since RG was at home this weekend (he's finally done with his Medicine posting), we caught up on alot of things and Ma cooked all his favourite food ;) Saturday, maamu & his family came over for dinner. We all sat at the dining table, with lots of papads, popcorn, sprout salad, seekh-kebabas, and something to drink for everyone. Then began the characteristic singing activity, with (but ofcourse) maamu taking the lead. He & Ma sang many bhajans and Ghalib's prose (?). It gets really funny because they get these looks of professional singers on their faces, and add some emotion to it too, and just about manage to hold the tune! My maami is the only one who can sing in our family, but the rest are definitely not lacking in enthusiasm. RG recited some lines by Keats. He then had to recite them again three times since ma & maamu found them to be too profound and hence needed some time to figure out what Keats could have possibly been trying to convey. Dinner was good too, except everyone was already full with the snacks... And once the clock struck 11 P.M , ma began initiating the goodbyes which in typical Indian way carried on till atleast 11.30!
Sunday was spent shopping - for spectacles. All four of us in the family wear glasses. So they form a large part of our annual investments. Since this was the independence day weekend, about half a dozen places were offering some really good deals, so we decided to check them out. Surprisingly we managed to get ourselves something of our liking, all in one day! I finally gave in and bought a rimless frame - it has taken me months to get around to this, but seeing how the matrimony market functions, it's time we played by the rules. Although I still don't get it. Wearing specs is not a disease. And who doesn't wear them today? And please, don't even begin talking about contacts - I don't understand society's obsession with them. Actually I just can't buy how people are ready to confirm to common ideas of what looks good (in this case). And they propogate it in such a matter-of-fact way that I don't even think they realise that they are espousing views that they hold just to be a part of the collective.
Everyone has to dress the same, talk in the same way, behave in the same way, look the same - someone please tell me why. On second thoughts, don't.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

...Hindustani naam hamara hai...

Happy 62nd independence day! It is going to rain today. Atleast there's one FM station playing songs to suit the mood. So you can taste a little bit of A.R.Rahman's 'maa tujhe salaam' for starters ...

A R Rehman - Maa T...

I remember talking to the lambu yesterday about why eventually I would like to settle down in India. Sure there are plenty of moments when this country/city drives me insane. The States presents the exact opposite in terms of conveniences, infrastructure and I suppose even a better civic sense. Those could be sufficient conditions for a good life but I don't feel they are the always the necessary ones.

How free are we today? We've come a long way since 1947. But as MG said, every freedom also requires some discipline. Possibly we're not as disciplined? (More on this later.)

Anyhow, I like it how 15th August reminds me of reasons why I love being in this country.

The sounds of ghunghroos, of a shehnai, of a koel...

the crowds that make the country work (and sometimes get in the way!)

the colours - reds & oranges for every festival and weddings... And the palette you get to witness in places like Rajasthan.

the emotions - for everything ranging from cricket to politics to religion

the plethore of sights, traditions, festivals, seasons, history - how for almost everything there's a celebration bringing together dozens of extended family members. I like the kites that dot the skies today. The best part is that everyone participates, irrespective of the size of their bank account. The size of sweet boxes and kites might differ, but they are there all the same.

Yeh Jo Des Hai Ter...

Aug'15th brings the same feelings I get every time I see an army truck, every time I pass by India Gate, every time I hear my most favourite independence-related song - "ae mere pyare watan..."

Ae Mere Pyaare Wat...

I remember how at school, every independence day they would recite Tagore's famous words -

Where the mind is without fear and the head held high;
Where knowledge is free;
Where the world has not been broken up into fragments by narrow domestic walls;
Where words come out from the depth of truth;
Where tireless striving stretches its arms towards perfection;
Where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way into the dreary desert sand of dead habit;
Where the mind is led forward by Thee into ever-widening thought and action;
Into that heaven of freedom, my Father, let my country awake.

Today does something to my insides. I can't really express it. I can only feel it. And so, from our country, Happy 15th August to you.

Friday, August 14, 2009

(Late) aao, khao, piyo, khisko

It was written that I meet lambu engineer today. Honestly. Considering that till last evening I was contemplating flying out to Bangalore.
A little bit of history is in order. I met the lambu several years back. I don't know which/who I remember more fondly - the big box of chocolates, the person who sent them, or the lambu who got them! However some things about him stood out even then, just as they do today. Firstly (and obviously) the height. Secondly the non-stop chatter (mostly self-praise). Thirdly an awsome sense of humour/wit. And the ruthless teasing. (We can leave out the brains for now.)
Oh and well, he's never ever on time. Never. Not then, not now.
He's also very rude. And one shouldn't try to be nice to him because it just goes waste.

Anyhow, so, after changing the time and venue a several hundred times, his highness made an entrance late in the afternoon, for lunch. We had a mini debate about whether or not I would finance his alcohol (you see, I'm the employed one here.). Thankfully they didn't serve alcohol in the area we were sitting at. He obliged me by ordering the starters. For main course (trust him) we had butter chicken & naan. There's nothing wrong with that. Except I am always reminded of this one conversation I had with D, where we both agreed that this particular food should only be eaten at home, in your night clothes because it's impossible to eat it without everything getting messy. Which was pretty much what happened - atleast to me.
What did we talk about? Well work/studies. Pros and cons of living in the States. And the usual friendly banter (if I can call it that).
Oh, and either he has shrunk or I have become taller ;)

Thursday, August 13, 2009

15th Aug @ College

All through my school and university years I never ever understood what the Independence Day celebrations were meant to signify. I remember having to stand through seemingly endless morning assemblies at school. The numerous speeches about the freedom struggle, Gandhiji etc. year after year would just seem so boring. It felt as though people couldn't get enough of preaching to us. Later, in University I don't think I attended a single Independence Day celebration.
All that changed last year, once I began teaching. Maybe it's because being on other side of the classroom brings you closer to some of the action. I like it how the flag pole is draped in garlands of Marigold flowers. And how the rose petals fall through as the flag unfurls. (In school I recall how the flag would get stuck and just not unfurl!) Standing erect for the national anthem. But more than that, it's this one feeling I've experienced only at LSR - a place which truly celebrates freedom. Where every 'speech' is geared to appeal to the sensibilites of both, the students & teachers - both primarily women. I'm proud of how the NCC cadets occupy a place of pride at the flag hoisting ceremony. I find it almost freaky when the indian music society sing 'bharat humko jaan se pyaara hai' and I can feel goosebumps right down to my toes.



Where I can see every single traditional dance from the country and yet not get enough of the diversity. Where my eyes well up with tears when they play the NDTV movie 'Remembering Kargil'. And where I can scream, shout, hoot and clap along with the students as I see a slideshow of images (Oscars for Slumdog Millionaire - Meera Kumar the country's first LS speaker - the solar eclispe - Abhinav Bindra's Gold at the Olympics - pictures of rural empowerment etc) set to the tune of A.R.Rahman's 'Ma tujhe salaam'.


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(The video's beautiful too.)

Those two hours of assembly stayed with me all day long. I felt proud, of being a woman in my country today.
P.S. went to CP later with JS. Did shopping. Ate chowmein. Got a call from lambu engineer, he's in town. Might meet up tomorrow.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Happy-10-years!


Apparently it's been ten years since blogging first began. Given that we get three newspapers at home, it's only natural that I discovered this bit of info. So, LiveMint is carrying out a series of articles regarding the same. The second one can be found here. Check their website for the other two, tomorrow and the day after.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Tip tip tip tip baarish!!

It has rained!!! :D

Yesterday my students didn't want class because it was too hot. And today, because it was raining! Lucky for them they know my weakness for the monsoon! But jokes apart, we did have class... the way DU college are constructed there are plenty of windows and wide doors through which the rain comes pouring right into the class....sweet sweet sweet!

Didn't want to let the rains go to waste, soooo...got drenched....when the salwaar gets stuck to your ankles, and little bits of sand enter the sandals, and the water drips from the edges of the umbrella onto the bags and books and self....If I didn't have the books & papers, I would have dispensed with the umbrella entirely!

Rains remind me of several things. The way we would run away from the auditorium (Choreo practice) into the HC lawns at DU. How pleasant the Shahjahan-Aurangzeb Road stretch looks (bus route 621) with its neem trees forming the prettiest of canopye across the two sides of the road. And how romantic JNU is when it rains :)

At the end of it all, I like the warmth that comes when you change into a fresh dry pair of clothes.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Munda(n)e

So, I think I've blogged about the monsoons having arrived about three times in the past. Well guess what, they are still not here. Today has been exceptionally bad. It was unbearably hot and humid. It completely drains you out. I had to drink 2 glasses of neembu-pani and 2 glasses of juice before going to take my first lecture. And the traffic just makes everything worse. It took me 45 mins to cover a distance of 7 kms... the only record that tops this one was two weeks back when it took me 2 hours.
We are going to be in big big trouble if things continue this way. There are water shortages and power failures all over the place. Worse, and more importantly, agriculture is in a crisis mode. To be fair, the agrarian crisis as of today was a disaster waiting to happen. With the pulling back of the State, over the past 10-15 yrs, on all accounts - subsidies, minimum support prices, credit etc - this year's lack of rains has aggravated the problem to a level where people have (finally) begun talking about it in their homes.
The swine flu has struck closer to home. Yesterday a girl from RG's batch of interns at his med school was hospitalised with possible symptoms of the s'flu. RG himself has been unwell this week. We've asked him to commute to the hospital from home for a while. The hospital, and a government one at that, would be the perfect place to catch the infection - the wards, the corridors, or even just his friends - everyone's associated with the same, high, density of people... We had been planning a family getaway to Lansdowne since it's going to be a three day weekend. That plan might just have to be abandoned now...

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Allah Tero Naam

I was lying in bed today morning, soaking in the orange-yellow hues splayed across the walls of my room as the morning sun flitered through the curtains on the windows. I felt strangely at peace. And content. I began humming one of my favourite prayer songs - Allah tero naam.


(For an english translation, visit http://sacred-songs.blogspot.com/2007/06/allah-tero-naam.html)

I've never been a very religious person, a fact that can make it difficult to understand the religious fervour I often get to see in my country. I don't go temples unless I absolutely must (read pressure from Ma). And even then I prefer going to the ones which are the least crowded (In Delhi, just two - Birla Mandir, and Sai Baba's). I don't keep fasts. I don't even know the names and stories of all the Gods & Godesses we have - but I do know Lord Krishna is my favourite, and for me that's enough. I suppose it has to do with the atmosphere at home - my parents do believe in a God, and in doing good things and in staying honest. But it ends there. We've always had very very few rituals, ceremonies etc taking place at home. Somewhere science seems to have won over religion - something which Ma strives hard to correct, but we have a very long way to go. At the same time I find myself more open to the idea of going to the Ashram now than ever before. Considering Ma's side of the family has been involved with it since forever, you could say it's high time!

It took me a long time just to even acknowledge my faith in something/someone akin to God. Till I was at DU I felt that whatever happens to me is because of me, because of the choices I make for myself, the hardwork I do or do not put in. I still believe that. What has changed however is my acceptance of the fact that sometimes inspite of everything that I might think I control, things don't go my way - they turn out to be better or well, worse. In hindsight however I have always felt that what I had thought was the 'worse' was actually the 'better'. The need for faith also arises when I think of those times when I just could not understand why certain things happened the way they did - my accident, the surgery going wrong, the episode with C, the current nonsensical arranged marriage process, why AB's boyfriend had to die.....- and it is during those moments that the only thing I can do is to leave it all to someone/something else.

I don't know what prompted this blog. Maybe it's just having too many thoughts & ideas in my head about the kind of life I see for myself - and believing that there's nothing wrong with having all those ideas, and that it will work out when the time is right.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Slow saturday

This one's turning out to be a slow lazy saturday. I have the house to myself. The radio is playing the newest bollywood songs. I might add I really like Love Aajkal's 'aahoo aahoo...' (!) - complete punjabi masti with it's lyrics & beats. So much so that I couldn't resist dancing to it in the drawing room! Had (indian) Chinese for breakfast. Still wondering what to drink since I seem to have run out of key ingredients to make myself either a cold coffee or a glass of chocolate milk. Don't feel like going through today's newspapers at the moment. So that's been put off until later. Ditto for going through the half dozen books I borrowed from the library yesterday. Being a faculty entitles us to ten library cards - boy do I feel empowered! Procrastination seems to set in so easily on a weekend, and I am not going to fight it.

P.S. RG's rakhi from our cousins in the States arrived yesterday. A nice festive thaali, with the rakhi, tika and a small box of sweets! Booked online from California, order placed to Bombay, sweets would have had to come from Delhi...Where would we be without the wonders of globalisation?

Friday, August 7, 2009

gaane...

Been humming two songs all week long. After a very long time, Dire Straits' Romeo & Juliet - I won't get into which lines are my favourite since it's practically every single word! The other one is 'Used To' by Chris Daughtry (of American Idol fame...). Discovered it on the i-pod, and it's quite...hummable.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

The day that was...

It's the day after Rakhi, and all day I have been genuinely feeling that we Need a holiday the day After the festival. Seriously! It's not a 'want', it's a basic 'need'. Or we just need to change the way we celebrate festivals in (atleast) this city. And RG still owes me....!

Anyhow, back to yesterday. Woke up super early. Got ready. Realised that the new kurta was wearable (can be altered later!) but the salwaar was big. Still wore it though :) Put the sweets etc in different bags. Also packed some of RG's things for the hostel. Tried charging the cellphone as much as was possible. Picked up all the stuff, got into the car, and we began to drive to my Baba's house. On the way I realised I had forgotten the Rakhis at home!! I did kick myself, as much as was possible. I mean, no one does that! Not if you're the sister and you have something like ten brothers to tie rakhis to!!! Turning back was not an option, given the extra insane traffic on a festival like this one.

So we snaked our way from south delhi to north-west. Took about 2 hours. Spent an hour Bua's house. Then it took us another half an hour to my taiji's house, where again we spent about an hour. And then another 30 mins to finally reach baba's house, where we spent 30 mins. At every house we had to drink water, then drink soft drinks/tea, and then eat sweets along with aaloo-puri, or aaloo-chhole. Trust me, even though the women in our family are excellent cooks, it was pleasant only the first time. Oh, as for my cousin brothers, well for once I really wish they would take the initiative and get me something nice! I mean, it's not bad to get the money, but getting a present has a totally different kind of charm to it. (and not a present that their mothers' pick for me - things I can never ever wear/use!). Got lots of chocolate hampers though :D

From north-west dilli, we moved towards the hospital. Another 1.5 hours on the road and not a single nice song on the radio. At the hosp, RG had just gotten off duty, so half an hour later, we finally set out for naani's house - another 45 mins! I entered their house, and crashed on the bed in an AC room. I felt tired and all ickky in the hot weather. Amazing lunch (again aaloo-puri) awaited us. After which other distant relatives began arriving. RG was pretty generous this year round, atleast to L! More than even what maamu was to ma! Lol!! We stayed there for dinner and watched 'Step-Up 2' and 'Confessions of a shopaholic' (the guy in it is so cuuute!)- yes, chick flicks I know, but my brain by then could only process those. Left at 9 P.M, reached home at 11. Only to realise I started with classes in the morning today, and not the afternoon as I had thought. As if that was not enough, I also realised that the 3-day weekend I'd been looking forward to is the next weekend, not this one. You cannot imagine the degree to which my mood plummetted then.

Woke up today morning, grumbling all the while about the uselessness of having tutorials in the first half of the day! (Ma & papa conveniently ignored me!). I was tired all day at college. Sleepy too. And I had to prepare the lectures too. Managed somehow. Plus it was JS' birthday, how could I not have known?! Arranged for a little something for her from all of us in the dept. I've also been missing prag and nam, now that they've moved to other colleges....

Oh, and yesterday, after ages, I spoke to S. He's started using terms of endearment while he talks to both P & me! Lol! Spoke to P today morning, and we decided it's best we enjoy it while it lasts!!

Phew...that's about it I think. To quote someone, I don't even know how I could punch in these, blame yourself for that :)

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

RakshBandhan 2009

Tomorrow is Rakshabhandhan, also known as just 'Rakhi'. It symbolises the bond between a brother and sister. It also, in some ways, marks the beginning of festivals which will go on till October or so.
As is our habit, we finished our shopping for sweets, cookies etc at 10 P.M. tonight. And as has become the norm, apparently so did everyone else! There was the usual mad rush of people and cars and cranky children in the markets, associated with any festival in this country. Plus women getting 'mehendi' (henna) designs made on their palms - can you imagine paying Rs.100 for each hand??! It's insane!

So I've stocked up the Rakhis. The markets have stalls lined with all kinds of rakhis - simple read & yellow threads, to all kinds of fancy ones which seem way too fancy! It's amazing how tomorrow morning, every man who has a sister will have one, or several threads tied around his wrist. Either before you leave home for work, or on your way to work, brothers and sisters meet up. The tying of a rakhi stands for a sister's prayer for her brother's long life as he promises to stand by her & take care of her.
Ofcourse it goes well beyond that. It's how all our relatives and their families meet at my grandfather's house. And how there are tons of sweets and hampers that are exchanged. The chaos and lunacy....and the torture brothers' put their sisters' through for that surprise 'present'! :D I can't think of a single time RG didn't BUG me (except for when we were very very little!). By the end of the day it's difficult not to get irked, seeing how he showers all of his cousin sisters with things and doesn't even utter a word about what he's got me!! Lol!!
Oh, and after several years, I have got myself something new to wear tomorrow! And yes, it's a chhutti (how can it not be, in an all-girls' college!).
And well, I am reminded of the song...'phoolon ka, taaron ka, sabka kehna hai..."!

Sunday, August 2, 2009

August!!

August has begun! And hence, so have the festivals!! It's Rakhi later this week. Ma spoilt the surprise by telling RG what I was going to get him!!! So now I have to think of something else ;) Anyway for once (after many many years) I bought the rakhis in advance! But not the sweets, so there is still the last minute mandatory visit to the sweet-shops that we have to go through!
Watched The Hangover, it's such a riot! :D And another movie, 'Hamlet 2' which was weird but grows on you gradually! Plus the dept trip is coming up later this month, so more fun on the horizon. And the independence day weekend is also an extended one this year. I do like august!