In the head of two 25-yr-olds

Spent the day with AB. We went to CP and while we did shop some bit, it was more of conversation. We both needed it. We both were glad to realise we aren't alone in this mess of feelings that we are fighting.

When I look at my students I am struck by the fact that while I am not all that elder to them, I have infact gone through quite a bit since I finished my undergrad. Looking back at my years at DU, I remember feeling almost invincible. As though everything was possible, everything I wanted was within my reach. Even if it wasn't, how bad could it get?

Yet now I feel that the years since I turned 21 have been full of just so many ups and downs, so many unexpected turn of events, the kinds I never did anticipate. The kind I did survive, but also the kind that each left me with a little less faith and a lot more questions than before. I feel jaded at some level; and tired of trying to understand what's happening around me.

I love my job, yet at times I wish I could just leave everything and just be. Not work, not study, not do anything. Even though I know I would crave to get back to teaching within two days, or even less! I love my family, they have been the backbone of my life. And yet I find myself wanting to get away from everyone I know here, from all their opinions, advice, guidance. Even when I know they mean well.

These days I feel like a line from Alanis Morrisette's 'Ironic' - I'm here but I'm really gone. I seem to be doing everything on auto-pilot, but my mind's just on a different plane all together. I can't even clearly identify just what it is that's troubling me. PhD. Marriage. Meeting a guy. Trying my best not to argue with parents about him. Being very patient when grandparents call to ask about the guy.

Just trying to stay sane with all this....