Whatever

My Q is in three days. Finally the balance seems to be showing itself. The last two weeks have been confusing. Add to that being the only one studying when everyone's enjoying the break, and graduation and everything associated with it. I have to admit though, there is something very sweet about watching others graduate. It's really endearingt, how one graduate is typically surrounded by atleast half a dozen people from his/her family! Thankfully we had a sunny weekend for graduation..... in fact most would agree it was a bit 'too warm'!

Annie has moved off-campus, did I write about that? It's strange not having him right next door. Especially when i run out of groceries! But jokes apart, now that he's away I realize just what a huge support he's been. And I miss him already, even though he's just down two streets from me. I wish he didn't have to go back at the end of summer.

Totoro has been really nice, very understanding especially in these pre-Q days. He keeps telling me to stick with it, to believe I can do it, to not freak out, and to always remember there are others' worse off ('look at the Econ guys, they have a Q for micro AND macro'!). The thing is, all that he says is what someone else might say to me but the fact that he's been through all of this himself just makes it all the more comforting.....

That apart, here's something about my writing. I feel like ever since I've gotten here, I seem to hold back when it comes to posting here. I'm unable to write as freely as I could back home. I don't know why that is. Is it because I often want to vent out my frustration at people who actually I'm the closest to? And so I'm worried they might read it?! Is it because sometimes, I don't want to come across as being too miserable, or weak or even needy maybe? Is it because I may come across as just cribbing about the same thing(s) over n over again?! Or is it that I (and others) will realize how I've changed over this past one year, in many ways (i think) for the worse? That I might actually be sort of ashamed of it?!

Ok, so I know the answer to all these is a yes, to some extent, if not a large one! But so what, right? I mean, this is my space. I should be able to say whatever I want, when I want, how many times I might want to! Then why do I suddenly feel so vulnerable when it comes to writing about some things? I used to think that being able to write without abandon reflected a strength, in some ways, in as much as you are putting yourself out there, sometimes with things that are very personal. But now I find myself shying away.... I guess this is bothering me probably because there is so much on my mind right now and I don't have anyone to talk to. And I can't write it down here either.....

Maybe it's time to un-do some things.....