RG's leaving for the States tomorrow. After this, I'll only see him once I reach there. That too if we can manage our dates.

It feels weird. Subconsciously I am realising I too have very little time here now. This was my last birthday home, for quite sometime to come. I'll miss ma's birthday's after this. And possibly papa's and RG's too. I won't be with him on Rakhi anymore. We won't have common holidays, which now have reduced to the national holidays only!

Ma's also begun showing the emotions. Which, well, we anyway never bother to hide! She says she'll be ok. But I doubt. When I leave, RG won't be back. And both the parents will find it hard. She says she's happy, and sure that we'll be ok, but that when she wakes up in the middle of the night, she isn't able to fall asleep again. I didn't know how to make light of things when she said it. It's getting difficult with each passing day. I keep telling her we'll talk, and video-chat, and what not, but it's never going to be the same. And for two people who, till now, have devoted their time and energy to us, it will take some time to get used to. It's strange how some choices in life can feel so wrong even though they are quite right.

Anyhow this is about RG going away. Unlike the last time, I know mausi & lambu are there, should he need any help. Even then, I can't help but feel the anxiety. Which will only go away once he lands there and I hear his voice on the phone. I guess he'll always be the younger brother, no matter how much we grow up.

Chai

Chai (tea) is a staple drink in this country. We mix a whole lot of milk in water, add a whole lot of sugar and tea leaves to it, and boil it depending on how 'kadak' (strong?) you like it.

Chai is also a staple drink in most university campuses here. You can substitute it with nimbu pani (lemonade) or coffee at times, but at the end of the day nothing beats the chai & samosa combo. Nothing. And you still get the two for Rs. 5 or less!

I've had countless number of chai-samosa meals on campus, here and at JNU. But there's something about the DU chai, and samosa, which makes it taste like no other. The others might be better at times, but the DU ones have their own taste. One that just grows on you. One that you just grow to expect, day after day, till you leave...

Chai & samosa is also what we are served when invigilation duty hits half time. When you have to wake up early in the morning, earlier than you'd like to, and do everything to reach college on time, and then manage a class of 40-60 students taking an exam, and try not to let the silence and drowsiness kill you, then the chai & samosa is like a lifesaver.

I pick up the Styrofoam cup, 10 minutes after it has been put on my desk. Even then I have to blow into it to make it cool enough so I can swallow it. I feel the sweet, over boiled tea pass through my system. Then I take a bite of the samosa. And it feels like heaven.

Sometimes the chai is bland. Sometimes its too bitter. And sometimes it's so sweet that even the spices of the samosa cannot neutralise it! Either way, it still tastes awesome. Just like it always did.

@26

It's my birthday today. I turn 26. At midnight I was woken up to a room full of flowers and a nice big chocolate cake. I was stunned. I wasn't the only one, everyone at home was too. Let's just say I couldn't have even imagined what it was like and how it made me feel. I am still to get over it! I felt very very special *blush* *blush*. The kinds I've never been made to feel ever before, by anyone.

26 ... that's, well, old! In many ways life is starting out for me right now. Soon it's going to be a new place, new faces, new experiences and a whole new level of winters! And in as many ways life has not gone according to plans I've made in the years gone by - I don't know how I feel about that. Mostly it's been for the best. But some things could have happened differently. Or maybe not. I guess I'll never know.

Anyway here's to another year.... may it be good to me :p

Have you ever felt so happy that it scares you? Like every moment of that happiness just seems so fragile? And you just wish you could hold on to that one moment for a little longer and you keep thinking of ways to do that, but all the while you're constantly haunted by the thought that it could be taken away from you in less than a second? Have you ever felt like that?

I've had too much of good news over the past 10 odd days. Too much. Way too much. I don't think I deserve all of it. I don't want all of it. Not all at the same time. It's way too unbelievable! I'm happy though. And everyone around me is proud. Nothing much to say really, except I'm headed to the Big Red :)

Finally.

'Like' iSaid

I've liked the lambu for sometime now. I mean, well, to be honest, I've liked him from day 1, but then there are different kinds of 'like' aren't there? :p

I'm surprised at myself really. I don't think I've ever put myself out there the way I have with this guy. It scares me at times you know. I feel really really vulnerable. Because somewhere he knows enough to probably break my heart one day. But at the same time I also feel a strange sense of comfort. That he knows enough for me to not have to pretend anything with him. My likes, dislikes, irrationality, moods - it's who I am and he knows it.

We talk alot. As much as is possible given the constraints of work/study, sleep and meals. Ma often asks me what we talk about. More often than not I find it difficult to be specific. Sometimes our conversations are fun and teasing. Sometimes they're so serious it's almost depressing! We disagree mostly. We are two very different people, so I'm not surprised. But I like those differences you know. I don't think they're the kinds that take away something from either of us. I feel they just complete the rest of us. But then, that's just me.

There's another reason why I enjoy myself with the lambu. Sometimes it's nice not to have to do everything on my own, it's a relief not to have to go through everything alone. It feels good to really be able to share the disappointments .... I can just say "it's not fair" and he'll let me be silent for a while. Or I can just ask him to shut up and he just rephrases whatever he was saying and I don't mind it so much then. He lets me be irrationally angry at the world and still talks to me after that as if I said nothing out of the ordinary. Yet I know he knows what I meant.

Ofcourse, the celebrations are just so much better with him around! Even though he's really far away, the way he tells me he's proud of me... it's the way only three other people in my life do.

Sometimes I wonder about it. I mean, c'mon, men really can't be like that, can they? :p

Sometimes I feel he's nearer than alot of my friends here. Is that weird?

Sometimes I wonder why it feels to good to be true.

Sometimes I also wonder if he feels the same way?

But whatever it is, I know I've found a best friend in him. I read somewhere that as a girl you're really lucky if you have one girl-best-friend. I guess I'm luckier then ... I have several girl best friends and now, the most awesome guy as one too.

Ofcourse this doesn't mean I love him or anything. Nope. Thank you very much but I am staying clear of that totally irrational, unexplainable, hopelessly impossible thing! :p

I admit that for a moment I mixed up my personal and professional reasons for moving out. It's taken me a few days to separate the two and rediscover my original reasons for wanting to pursue a Phd, from another country and so on... But I've realised I can't entirely keep it separate from the fact that it would undoubtedly take me closer to a certain someone somewhere in that country. That's what's confusing me. When I'd applied, the two lines were not as blurred as they suddenly have become.

I don't know if that's right or wrong. I don't know if I can do anything about it. I don't even know which option I'd survive better! Actually I think I would be uncertain now, irrespective of whatever happens now.

The thing is, I am feeling very sad right now. Very very sad. The kinds where I feel that something inside me is just about to burst. The kinds where I've basically just been crying - while watching those utterly stupid romantic movies on the laptop. while lying in bed after having just woken up. while having breakfast all alone at home in the mornings. I either cry. Or sleep. And I think the latter is the outcome of the former.

The thing is, initially I thought it's the wait that's killing me. But it's a little more than that. It's having to wait when I have never felt more certain of things than I feel right now. I know a PhD is a killer of a programme, but I just know that this is the right time for it. For me. I know I might be wrong about the lambu, that he might not be the right one for me. But something tells me that's not it.

What's frustrating is that, is it only me who can see all this?! Or is it that there's something else which I am just refusing to see?

Either way, I now don't care if it'll still all be ok. I don't even care how people define "ok" anymore. Because it won't be ok. Not for me. No matter how anyone might choose to look at it. I don't want to be bothered about anything anymore. Because now it doesn't make a difference to me what happens. Even if I do get to go, whether or not things work out or not, here or there, I am just sick of hoping for it to work out. I am tired of waiting for things to happen. Because honestly I've done what I could and I don't want to wait anymore. Not another year, not another week and not till April 15th. It shouldn't be so hard. It just shouldn't.

You know, all I'd like is a little certainty in my life and I don't think I'm asking for too much. Not this time.

deeeep breath ...

Alrighty. To be honest, I've been putting this off for quite sometime now. But I just can't take it anymore!!

Till about ten days back I was insanely anxious to hear from a bunch of US Universities I considered myself worthy of applying to. Ofcourse by then most places had sent out a letter of rejection to me. And if you've never received one, I'm afraid there's jus no way for you to know just what it feels like. It's unlike any other kind of 'rejection' you might receive. It hits you at a different level all together. Basically it makes you feel like the worst kind of scum on this planet. And the plethora of thoughts running in your mind essentially boil down to two alternating thoughts - "am I really that bad?!" versus "What was I thinking, applying to them?". And the thing is, it doesn't get better with time. It actually gets worse, letter after letter. So even though you tell yourself that you can take it, tha you won't let it get to you and all that crap, even you know you're lying to yourself. And you know it when that one tiny tear inevitably escapes your eye.

The up-side is since I'm waitlisted at two places, there's still hope. It gets better since both the places are rather good for what I want to study. And since I haven't received 'the' letter till now, it has to reflect some competititve edge my application has! I mean, c'mon, let me get some credit here! The downside is, if the said letter does find its way to my inbox/mailbox I will scream out in pain. Because a letter at the end of the admissions cycle can only be the worst way for them to make someone feel that when all's said and done you're as good/bad as the ones we rejected two months back!

So anyway few days back, I reached a funny sort of equilibrium. I now think it's a stage everyone must reach at some point of time in this process. It was when I finally stopped refreshing my email inbox page every 5 minutes to check for any updates from the unis. When I stopped going through the various online discussion forums where people submit their decision results. When I basically became numb to it all. It actually did happen to me. Honest. I just felt this strange kind of peace. No pain, no joy, no hope, nothing.

Then came yesterday, when very very very unexpectedly things took a turn for the better on the domestic job front. Needless to say I was stunned. That's the only word I have for it. And needless to say the entire extended family was ecstatic. Friends too. I was further surprised when the lambu sent me flowers and chocolates to celebrate with! :) How can I not like him?!

The thing is, I was happy too. Obviously.

But you know honestly it's changed the balace between my arguments for leaving vs staying on here, in favour of staying put. I've been able to try and be patient for the next few days but in the meantime I can't help but question What the f*** is going on God????! All the while that I wanted things to work out here, something or the other always came in the way. When I finally made up my mind about the PhD, then first you take the west coast option out of the picture. Now you want to change the picture all together?! Why? Why now ....

I know things don't always go according to plan. I also know that everytime this has happened in the past, it has had something good associated with it eventually. But I don't want to go through all of that again. I Just Don't. I Don't Want To Wait For That 'Eventually'. Maybe someone else could go through it for once. Or twice. Or whatever. Why me? Again and again and again ...

Whatever

I don't want to have to choose. I want the choice. But I don't want to be the one choosing. And I can't have both. I mean obviously, life can't be that simple now, can it? I don't understand why things have to happen just when I would not want them to. How can it be that something which should make me happy, doesn't all that much?

Could my life possibly get more weird? God? Are you there? Don't you think it's high time you stepped in?

A week of movies

So... the only thing I've managed, with a zillion pauses in the middle, is to have watched a few movies this week -

New York, I Love You

Up in the Air

The Holiday

5oo Days of Summer

and there some more lined up.

The thing is, in each of these movies, I saw a bit of myself. A bit of what I was, or thought, or am, as of today. Is that a good thing? Is it a sign? Why am I not able to figure it out ...

waiiiiiiiitttinggg

Alright. So I've been putting this off for quite a bit, but this is it. Really. I've been waiting to hear about my apps for the past few months now. The good bit is that not so many rejections till now means I would have survived several rounds of those, by now. The not so good news is that the wait is driving me nuts. It doesn't help that I had the week off from work.

I tried to keep myself busy, I really did. But honestly, nothing has worked. I pick up a book only to put it down after struggling to read a few pages. I begin a movie and pause it a zillion times just to check my email. I've been out with friends, but the whole time just thinking of what time and day it would be in several places in the US and therefore would there possibly be someone who would send out an email just when I'm not at home! I've begun sleeping alot more just to stop thinking about it, but now I'm just very over-slept and little else.

I don't want to talk to anyone about it. There really isn't much that people can say which they haven't already. I also don't have any answers to others who have begun enquiring about the status of the applications.

It's the worst kind of wait ever. Worse than the time I submitted the apps. Worse than most other things i don't like. It's a kind of anxiety you can understand only if you've been through this process. Why is it taking them so long? What if I don't make it? Am I really not that competent? What was I even thinking, applying there in the first place?! I couldn't be that bad an applicant, could I? What about funding?

Aaaaahhhh.... please god please (as M would say). Please! Just let me know. Whatever it is, just let me know. Please ...

Floating

I've been floating this whole week. The university is shut for prep-leave. I've slept in. Read Calvin & Hobbes. Watched lots of movies - liked them all but didn't like most of the endings for some reason. Done a lot of facebooking. Even earth hour today.

Trying to beat the heat. With lots of lemonade. Went shopping with D yesterday. Wasn't very fruitful.

Waiting crazily to hear about the PhD admits. Crazily. The only thing worse than the application process is this wait. It would be nice if one of the many unknowns become known!

Basically I've become a vegetable.

I think I'll just go watch another movie ... till the dawn breaks in another part of the world.

This is the third blog in a day. It has got to be the hormones.

So, if you've read the previous two blogs you will know I fought with the lambu & got emotional over another person's email. And it hasn't even been three hours since I woke up.

RG is having his eyes checked up. It's very rarely that he discusses it, and even more rare that he shows his fears regarding it. Today morning apparently both happened. Ma has just unburdened herself to me, and bloggie is where I unburden my mind and soul. Hence this ...

So he's having two check ups done today. No one should have to worry about such things, especially not him. Not at this time. You can't do this to doctors. It's not fair.

The thing is, it's scary. And I'm sure it must be worse for him. And at times like these, coming from a doctors' family really doesn't help. Trust me.

Anyway I am not resting till someone tells us exactly what needs to be done, what precautions need to be taken, and how it will/won't affect his career as a doctor. And all of this needs to be clarified before he goes away to that awful country. Sometimes i wonder why do we even want to go there?

Which brings me to my second set of concerns. (You'd think the hormones would give me a break now atleast ...)

If RG & I both move out, which seems pretty likely, then it's a difficult thought to think of all those who we'll leave behind here. If anything, this is the time we need to be around, and support them the way they have been there for us, for our every need, all these years. At some level I do feel a little selfish. But then I also know that, like the lambu said, our parents also want the best for us ...

But still, I worry about what we would do if anything were to happen, on either side of the world. I wonder how many families have sort-of-sleepless nights once they're scattered? Or do they just get used to it?

Have you ever felt like you can just connect to a complete stranger in a way you never thought was possible? I'm referring to someone who I've only heard of, many times. I've never met her, I've never spoken to her, I don't know anything about her except her name. Yet when I read this one email she wrote to someone who I know, I felt every word of it. I don't know if it's a woman thing...

Actually if I think about it, maybe I connected to what she wrote. The love, the longing, the wishing. The anxiousness about what lies ahead. The having to think of newer times but with more than a ton of memories from the years gone by. The still trying to understand, still trying to explain ... still not managing to, entirely.

There was so much she wrote. And so much more unsaid in that email. Yet it came through. Word for word. Something about that email saddened me like nothing else has in a very very very long time. Maybe because it's very believable. But mostly because it could have happened to anyone on this big planet, even me. And I felt I would have written exactly those words.

(And I'm sure the reply she received would have crushed her. I understand too where the reply came from, yet it seemed like the final blow.)

The lambu & I

This blog entry is about one of my most favourite people in the world.

I fought with the lambu. I'm always least proud of myself when I fight with him. Mainly because he's always been only the nicest to me. And still I fight with him. The thing is, it's not like I am consciously aware of even when the argument begins. As someone just said to me, "you never know what will anger him" ... So anyway we were just talking and then my internet stopped working and when it finally fixed itself a few hours later, I found a very cruel, very mean, very very cold mail from the lambu in my inbox. And see, that's the thing, I knew it wouldn't be pleasant. Still I read it. Again and again and again. I don't understand this implicit need to go on torturing myself! Also, with the lambu's e-mail's, it's like I'm reading an article for one of my lectures. At first when I read it, I only get the 'english' of it. Then I read it a few more times, and each time a little more of the context filters through to my understanding. So obviously by the time I was done getting all of it, I had experienced the entire gamut of emotions -

huh?!

wtf?!

excuse me but where did this email come from?

what does he think of himself?

fine we'll have it his way

does he think it's going to kill me? it's so not! I'll show him

no wait a minute, why should I listen to him in the first place

I am so not doing things his way!

Then I tried to draft a reply. And re-drafted it 7 times exactly. Then the internet stopped working again. I have no choice but to call it divine intervention. Because somewhere at the back of my mind I had been thinking of just sleeping over it. Which is what I did. Of course my sleep was very very disturbed, but that's better than sending out a reply which is all gibberish.

When I woke up, the internet was working again. So I log in to Gmail, quickly scan all the facebook updates in the inbox, just read the ones from him, which anyway were fairly non-threatening compared to the email of last night. I delete the rest of the updates, knowing they'll anyway show up on the Fb homepage. And get down to replying to that dratted email. By now, I'm mentally tired, and I have cried a few times. Still I send out 2-3 lines trying to sound all calm and composed and 'cool' with it all. Obviously I was anything but that. Still I sent that email. And then finished doing the daily rounds of Fb.

Back to the Gmail inbox, with that chat column on the left showing him online. I click on his name. And I begin to type. Then I get confused about what I want to say. Then a little bit of the ego comes in the way, why should I initiate this?! Then I close that window. And stare at his name again. Then after a while I take a deep breath, click again on his name, and being typing out my apologies. That then led to a conversation which is best left undisclosed. It brought up some very unexpected points and by the end of it I felt just so hurt (I mean, I know the guy was angry n all, but alot of what he said was totally uncalled for) that even my brain zoned out and all I could do was breathe.

So I breathed. Cried but only a little bit. The thing is, I know we fight, and that we disagree on more things that most people do. And that sometimes I do give him a hard time. But I've never thought it all this can beat us. And I still don't think so.

But then I guess that's just me ...

Back from a long overdue to visit to the city of Bangalore. I have to confess I was disappointed. But that's ok considering most of my trip was spent out of the city - in the beautiful tea estates of Wayanad, and the lovely beaches of Gokarna.

There's alot I could write about it, and I will. But just too tired right now.

More later...

They say anything worth having is worth fighting for. They also say if you really want something, then the entire universe conspires for you to get it.

I was believing the first statement till sometime back. Then it was as if I just got tired of fighting. With people. For things. For things to happen. I got tired of trying not to feel disappointed, of still finding ways to hope, again and again. I guess somewhere I realised it shouldn't be so hard, so difficult. And so for sometime now, I've begun letting go. Of the hope. I just wanted to step back a little.

In that scenario, I find myself being taken by surprise a little too much, all of a sudden. The kind words have become kinder. The understanding tone has become alot more than just understanding. The teasing and jokes have been supplemented with a different kind of talk all together. Some actions are leaving me stunned almost. Some topics have not been easy to discuss. But I'm glad there is space for that discussion as and when the need arises.

I am beginning to get a tiny glimpse into a kind of perspective that, while I had hoped for it, is leaving me speechless nonetheless. I do so want to believe in it a lot more than I'm letting myself. Maybe with time I will be able to understand why I feel scared by it right now. Until then the forces of nature may kindly step in. Now would be a really good time.

I'm upset. Hurt too, but more upset than anything else. I feel like all i really can do is to just let it all be the way it is. No more wishing, hoping, understanding ....

And I can't wait to leave all this tomorrow and be with AB & AA ...

Some differences, just like distances, can never be bridged I guess.

Changing seasons

I love the fact that we have a change of seasons to look forward to, every few months. I don't like the extreme nature that most of these seasons have begun assuming in recent years, but I still like the change they bring.

The other thing about seasons is, while there definitely is some scientific reasoning behind the shifts, we tend to view it with respect to festivals or other events in the country. (Actually the festival bit has something to do with the Hindu calendar but its best if I keep my ignorance about it to myself.)

So you often hear people in Delhi say that the winters end after Republic Day. Or with the festival of Lohri / Makar Sankranti (although they do have a significance of their own too). Spring is in Feb, the nicest time of the year in this city, and lasts through the first two weeks of march at max. Then the summer sets in. Which is what we're dreading since we'll be stuck with it all the way till October -end. Which is when Diwali happens, and usually it begins to cool down after that. In the middle in July-Aug we do have monsoons but they have become so erratic in recent past that one can no longer define a monsoon 'season' per se.

But we don't like the peak time of any season. Too much heat, too much cold, too much rainfall - we do not like it. Well I love the monsoons, but that's just me. Spring is way too short but I'm sure even if it got extended we would find something unpleasant about it too! (If that's possible).

Different seasons require different kinds of clothing. Which is mainly categorised as cottons vs woollens. It's time to bring out the cottons. They feel like such a refreshing change from the overbearing pullovers, shawls and other multiple layers of clothing that winter involves. The pastels, the pinks, yellows, blues, greens, all feel so light on the skin and just so summery.... And you can walk barefoot in the house on the farsh. The cement floor cools your feet in a way little else can.

:)

Nostalgia

So, I love my job. That includes my sense of belonging to the university campus, and its dynamics. I begin to realise how much though, every time we come close to term-end.

The campus becomes silent. The metro is less crowded. So are the roads. No more waiting at eating joints at lunch time. No more cheesy displays of young love! No more visual updates on the latest in fashion trends. No more groups of students sitting in college lawns for no reason at all. Alot more crowd at the xerox places! Suddenly the empty bags they carry throughout the year become too small for all the notes, articles and books that they realise have to be read.

As much as I was craving for term-end, it doesn't take me even a day to begin missing them. Meeting them every day, talking to them, trying to get them to talk (in/out of class), passing them by in the corridors or elsewhere ... I miss it all. My life feels empty all of a sudden.

Add to that the fact that my old set of students from last year are graduating this year. They've flooded FB with their farewell photos, comments, and notes. Needless to say it took me back to the time when we graduated. Seems like a lifetime ago. Those were such uncomplicated fun times - S, C, P, me and the others ...

Hockey ..

Hockey is this country's national game. Ofcourse you would find it hard to believe. But reasons for that constitute an entirely different story.

Two days back, we happened to go watch India play South Africa in the hockey world cup happening in New Delhi. The entire national stadium has been cordoned off from all sides. As we approached the India Gate roundabout, the night sky was illuminated by the bright lights of the stadium. We were making our way through the rigorous security check when we heard the roar of thousands of people as India scored a goal. At that moment all the policemen stopped talking amongst them. All the volunteers froze. So did the security check. As the cheering subsided, everyone outside broke into smiles. It's funny how inspite of not knowing the H of hockey, people can be united for a single moment.

Ok, so I've never seen a hockey match before this. Never live and as far as I can recall, never even on TV. I've watched cricket (but obviously), football, tennis (again obviously), even the occasional F1/badminton/gymnastics/table tennis/chess etc, but never hockey. Needless to say I was clueless about its finer points. But that's really not much of a handicap if you're just viewing the game...

Our box had alot of youngsters and for once I didn't mind the abuses that flew from peoples' mouths! Each time a south african player would tackle one of ours, or hit/push one of ours, invariably I heard people say "maar de saale ko!", "wahin maar de, hockey se!", "haath tod de b***** ka!" and so on... Whenever one of ours would be unable to hold onto the ball, after the initial urge to curse the fellow was overtaken by the realisation that he was one of ours, people would say "Chalo chalo! koi baat nahin!" in such a forgiving tone, it was ironic! . And each time the South Africans appealed against a goal, or for unfair play, everyone in the stands would start a "boo" which, lets just say, you wouldn't like to be at the receiving end of.

We missed on alot of goals. I can't describe the process of how in less than 2 seconds we would rise from our seats, begin to raise our hands to clap/catcall, open our throats to cheer out hoarse, and then just sit down dejectedly. However, when we did eventually score, there was a collective feeling of jubilation which also I can't being to describe. Young, old, men, women, children, policemen, security guards, media persons, everyone would be cheering like mad, and you could hear chants of "Indiaaaaaa....India " .

We had an interesting Sardarji sitting next to us, who knew more about the game than all of us put together. Which probably explains why throughout the match, he sat fixed on his seat, his arms crossed over his chest with the most cynical expression on his face, as if he was just putting up with the performance of the Indian team (which he apparently didn't think too much of!). Each time we would question the South Africans' appeals, he would explain to us why they were right and we weren't. Each time we'd hoot after a goal, he would glare at us and say "the goal's been scored hasn't it?! So why don't you settle down now!"

Each time we'd wonder where our defenders were, he would remark "oh they must be coming, from Punjab and Madras!" :D

And if we began questioning him too much he would get flustered and say "I'll tell you tomorrow!" :p

The match ended in a draw. What was more fun was this feeling of oneness we felt while we were there. Only a sport can do that.