The lambu & I

This blog entry is about one of my most favourite people in the world.

I fought with the lambu. I'm always least proud of myself when I fight with him. Mainly because he's always been only the nicest to me. And still I fight with him. The thing is, it's not like I am consciously aware of even when the argument begins. As someone just said to me, "you never know what will anger him" ... So anyway we were just talking and then my internet stopped working and when it finally fixed itself a few hours later, I found a very cruel, very mean, very very cold mail from the lambu in my inbox. And see, that's the thing, I knew it wouldn't be pleasant. Still I read it. Again and again and again. I don't understand this implicit need to go on torturing myself! Also, with the lambu's e-mail's, it's like I'm reading an article for one of my lectures. At first when I read it, I only get the 'english' of it. Then I read it a few more times, and each time a little more of the context filters through to my understanding. So obviously by the time I was done getting all of it, I had experienced the entire gamut of emotions -

huh?!

wtf?!

excuse me but where did this email come from?

what does he think of himself?

fine we'll have it his way

does he think it's going to kill me? it's so not! I'll show him

no wait a minute, why should I listen to him in the first place

I am so not doing things his way!

Then I tried to draft a reply. And re-drafted it 7 times exactly. Then the internet stopped working again. I have no choice but to call it divine intervention. Because somewhere at the back of my mind I had been thinking of just sleeping over it. Which is what I did. Of course my sleep was very very disturbed, but that's better than sending out a reply which is all gibberish.

When I woke up, the internet was working again. So I log in to Gmail, quickly scan all the facebook updates in the inbox, just read the ones from him, which anyway were fairly non-threatening compared to the email of last night. I delete the rest of the updates, knowing they'll anyway show up on the Fb homepage. And get down to replying to that dratted email. By now, I'm mentally tired, and I have cried a few times. Still I send out 2-3 lines trying to sound all calm and composed and 'cool' with it all. Obviously I was anything but that. Still I sent that email. And then finished doing the daily rounds of Fb.

Back to the Gmail inbox, with that chat column on the left showing him online. I click on his name. And I begin to type. Then I get confused about what I want to say. Then a little bit of the ego comes in the way, why should I initiate this?! Then I close that window. And stare at his name again. Then after a while I take a deep breath, click again on his name, and being typing out my apologies. That then led to a conversation which is best left undisclosed. It brought up some very unexpected points and by the end of it I felt just so hurt (I mean, I know the guy was angry n all, but alot of what he said was totally uncalled for) that even my brain zoned out and all I could do was breathe.

So I breathed. Cried but only a little bit. The thing is, I know we fight, and that we disagree on more things that most people do. And that sometimes I do give him a hard time. But I've never thought it all this can beat us. And I still don't think so.

But then I guess that's just me ...