I admit that for a moment I mixed up my personal and professional reasons for moving out. It's taken me a few days to separate the two and rediscover my original reasons for wanting to pursue a Phd, from another country and so on... But I've realised I can't entirely keep it separate from the fact that it would undoubtedly take me closer to a certain someone somewhere in that country. That's what's confusing me. When I'd applied, the two lines were not as blurred as they suddenly have become.

I don't know if that's right or wrong. I don't know if I can do anything about it. I don't even know which option I'd survive better! Actually I think I would be uncertain now, irrespective of whatever happens now.

The thing is, I am feeling very sad right now. Very very sad. The kinds where I feel that something inside me is just about to burst. The kinds where I've basically just been crying - while watching those utterly stupid romantic movies on the laptop. while lying in bed after having just woken up. while having breakfast all alone at home in the mornings. I either cry. Or sleep. And I think the latter is the outcome of the former.

The thing is, initially I thought it's the wait that's killing me. But it's a little more than that. It's having to wait when I have never felt more certain of things than I feel right now. I know a PhD is a killer of a programme, but I just know that this is the right time for it. For me. I know I might be wrong about the lambu, that he might not be the right one for me. But something tells me that's not it.

What's frustrating is that, is it only me who can see all this?! Or is it that there's something else which I am just refusing to see?

Either way, I now don't care if it'll still all be ok. I don't even care how people define "ok" anymore. Because it won't be ok. Not for me. No matter how anyone might choose to look at it. I don't want to be bothered about anything anymore. Because now it doesn't make a difference to me what happens. Even if I do get to go, whether or not things work out or not, here or there, I am just sick of hoping for it to work out. I am tired of waiting for things to happen. Because honestly I've done what I could and I don't want to wait anymore. Not another year, not another week and not till April 15th. It shouldn't be so hard. It just shouldn't.

You know, all I'd like is a little certainty in my life and I don't think I'm asking for too much. Not this time.