Changing seasons

I love the fact that we have a change of seasons to look forward to, every few months. I don't like the extreme nature that most of these seasons have begun assuming in recent years, but I still like the change they bring.

The other thing about seasons is, while there definitely is some scientific reasoning behind the shifts, we tend to view it with respect to festivals or other events in the country. (Actually the festival bit has something to do with the Hindu calendar but its best if I keep my ignorance about it to myself.)

So you often hear people in Delhi say that the winters end after Republic Day. Or with the festival of Lohri / Makar Sankranti (although they do have a significance of their own too). Spring is in Feb, the nicest time of the year in this city, and lasts through the first two weeks of march at max. Then the summer sets in. Which is what we're dreading since we'll be stuck with it all the way till October -end. Which is when Diwali happens, and usually it begins to cool down after that. In the middle in July-Aug we do have monsoons but they have become so erratic in recent past that one can no longer define a monsoon 'season' per se.

But we don't like the peak time of any season. Too much heat, too much cold, too much rainfall - we do not like it. Well I love the monsoons, but that's just me. Spring is way too short but I'm sure even if it got extended we would find something unpleasant about it too! (If that's possible).

Different seasons require different kinds of clothing. Which is mainly categorised as cottons vs woollens. It's time to bring out the cottons. They feel like such a refreshing change from the overbearing pullovers, shawls and other multiple layers of clothing that winter involves. The pastels, the pinks, yellows, blues, greens, all feel so light on the skin and just so summery.... And you can walk barefoot in the house on the farsh. The cement floor cools your feet in a way little else can.

:)

Nostalgia

So, I love my job. That includes my sense of belonging to the university campus, and its dynamics. I begin to realise how much though, every time we come close to term-end.

The campus becomes silent. The metro is less crowded. So are the roads. No more waiting at eating joints at lunch time. No more cheesy displays of young love! No more visual updates on the latest in fashion trends. No more groups of students sitting in college lawns for no reason at all. Alot more crowd at the xerox places! Suddenly the empty bags they carry throughout the year become too small for all the notes, articles and books that they realise have to be read.

As much as I was craving for term-end, it doesn't take me even a day to begin missing them. Meeting them every day, talking to them, trying to get them to talk (in/out of class), passing them by in the corridors or elsewhere ... I miss it all. My life feels empty all of a sudden.

Add to that the fact that my old set of students from last year are graduating this year. They've flooded FB with their farewell photos, comments, and notes. Needless to say it took me back to the time when we graduated. Seems like a lifetime ago. Those were such uncomplicated fun times - S, C, P, me and the others ...

Hockey ..

Hockey is this country's national game. Ofcourse you would find it hard to believe. But reasons for that constitute an entirely different story.

Two days back, we happened to go watch India play South Africa in the hockey world cup happening in New Delhi. The entire national stadium has been cordoned off from all sides. As we approached the India Gate roundabout, the night sky was illuminated by the bright lights of the stadium. We were making our way through the rigorous security check when we heard the roar of thousands of people as India scored a goal. At that moment all the policemen stopped talking amongst them. All the volunteers froze. So did the security check. As the cheering subsided, everyone outside broke into smiles. It's funny how inspite of not knowing the H of hockey, people can be united for a single moment.

Ok, so I've never seen a hockey match before this. Never live and as far as I can recall, never even on TV. I've watched cricket (but obviously), football, tennis (again obviously), even the occasional F1/badminton/gymnastics/table tennis/chess etc, but never hockey. Needless to say I was clueless about its finer points. But that's really not much of a handicap if you're just viewing the game...

Our box had alot of youngsters and for once I didn't mind the abuses that flew from peoples' mouths! Each time a south african player would tackle one of ours, or hit/push one of ours, invariably I heard people say "maar de saale ko!", "wahin maar de, hockey se!", "haath tod de b***** ka!" and so on... Whenever one of ours would be unable to hold onto the ball, after the initial urge to curse the fellow was overtaken by the realisation that he was one of ours, people would say "Chalo chalo! koi baat nahin!" in such a forgiving tone, it was ironic! . And each time the South Africans appealed against a goal, or for unfair play, everyone in the stands would start a "boo" which, lets just say, you wouldn't like to be at the receiving end of.

We missed on alot of goals. I can't describe the process of how in less than 2 seconds we would rise from our seats, begin to raise our hands to clap/catcall, open our throats to cheer out hoarse, and then just sit down dejectedly. However, when we did eventually score, there was a collective feeling of jubilation which also I can't being to describe. Young, old, men, women, children, policemen, security guards, media persons, everyone would be cheering like mad, and you could hear chants of "Indiaaaaaa....India " .

We had an interesting Sardarji sitting next to us, who knew more about the game than all of us put together. Which probably explains why throughout the match, he sat fixed on his seat, his arms crossed over his chest with the most cynical expression on his face, as if he was just putting up with the performance of the Indian team (which he apparently didn't think too much of!). Each time we would question the South Africans' appeals, he would explain to us why they were right and we weren't. Each time we'd hoot after a goal, he would glare at us and say "the goal's been scored hasn't it?! So why don't you settle down now!"

Each time we'd wonder where our defenders were, he would remark "oh they must be coming, from Punjab and Madras!" :D

And if we began questioning him too much he would get flustered and say "I'll tell you tomorrow!" :p

The match ended in a draw. What was more fun was this feeling of oneness we felt while we were there. Only a sport can do that.

Sudden rains

When the tug-of-war between the fat sun and the dark clouds eventually ends, it is the sun that is cajoled into giving in. And there are sudden rains. It's as if a reservoir of raindrops has just let go of them. Drenched in those, I feel as though I too can let go - Of inhibitions. Of pre-conceived notions. Of the ego. Of thinking about right vs wrong. There are shivers. There are goosebumps. There are tingles down my spine as I soak myself in the niceness that it brings. I hear the wind whisper of mysterious secrets & enticing possibilities that it carries from across the seas. It speaks to me, softly.

As the rhythm of the falling rain quickens, so does my heartbeat. Nothing else mattes. It's just that one moment in time. There's a sense of awareness, of being part of something which doesn't end and begin with me, which is much larger than you or me. It's a strange force of nature. For that moment I feel as though I've lived a little bit more.

Sudden rains. They take me by surprise. Every time.

This blog's been a fairly private one. I suppose I see it as a space to just talk about whatever it is that's on my mind without necessarily looking for a response or reaction from someone else. Because there really are times when all you need to do is just that. There are moments when no one can understand, and it's as if speaking to an infinite void out there by itself brings alot of clarity.

Recently however, a few people who have read this blog, have liked it. It did come as a surprise. Mainly since I don't view my writing as anything too great. For me the greater purpose is just to be able to get things out of my system. I'm surprised that others can enjoy it so much!

So, for whatever it's worth, thank you :) It is nice to know.

@naani's

Just got back from naani's house. I have tons of memories of their house. Just like most people would, of their naani's home I guess. I remember how my parents, maamu, maami and naani would try to wake us up on time and try to instill some discipline in summer holidays, those days when the lack of direction can end up becoming quite counter productive. Well they didn't succeed.

Laavan, Aaru, RG & me must be the most spoilt kids on earth when we are at naani's. We would wake up late. Breakfast in bed. Or infront of the TV. Baths in the evening...Sometimes, when we were much younger, in the backyard, insisting on using the ancient handpump which would draw up freezing water from below the ground, and it felt awesome in the terrible summer heat! On other occassions like Holi, after we would have had our share of colours and water, we would be marched out to the back, and maamu would make us sit under the handpump in turn, and make sure we rinsed off whatever we could before we entered our filthy selves into the bathrooms!

I remember how naana came up with the idea of maggie@4P.M. everyday in order to get us to eat a proper lunch before that. We'd play hopscotch all day long outside their house, or up on the terrace. With the rest of the kids in their lane. And at night we would spread mattresses on the floor so all of us could still whisper late into the night, long after everyone had slept and the only person keeping us company would be the colony guard - he would pass by the house and blow his whistle in the dead of the night, till we fell asleep.

Naani would tell us the same three stories every single night and we'd listen and laugh each and every time. And back in the times when Delhi had severe power cuts in summers, sometimes the entire family would go and sleep up on the terrace till at 5AM the sun would rise and we kids would be picked up and transported to the rooms downstairs.

I remember also how we would grow channa (grams) and rajma (kidney bean) plants in cotton ...and then transfer them to the garden when they grew a bit.

Ofcourse now we've grown up :p But we still wake up late. Still eat all meals while watching TV. But hopscotch has been replaced by quiet walks outside. Maami has begun asking the doodhwaala to supply extra milk since we're prone to making cold coffee at 2AM. The maggie's still there. So is the Coke, and lots and lots of dabbas of namkeens. Our conversations have moved on from weird classmates and teachers at school, to well...more profound things like the aches and pains of growing up. The food's still there too. My maami and naani are two of the world's best cooks, and to them we are still 10 yr olds who need to be fed properly. "If you won't eat properly, how will you study?" is what it used to be till a few years back. Now the 'study' has been replaced by 'work'.

This time we made gujiyas. The special sweets for Holi. So maami made the dough, which all of us then rolled into small round bits. Naani then flattened them, and we stuffed them up with a mix of lots of sweet stuff (which i can't translate into english right now!), and then put aside the semi-circular things to be fried by maami. It was fun, how everyone sat on this sheet we'd spread on the floor. And how the jokes and comments flowed non stop! From teasing RG to be a part of the 'work' to his potential significant other! And RG taking a dig at the gujiyas Laavan made, and giving her a tough time the moment she ate more than three of them later on! :p

Everyone agreed Aaru was the smartest one since she went off to meet some friends early in the morning and hence was spared being a part of the labour force! Maami commented that most of us made up an army of unskilled labour, and maamu tried some of his management strategies to monitor the whole process but soon just went to sleep. Just before going though, he said "all right then...when i wake up I want all the work done, and all the gujiyas...."

And a cheeky voice said "...made and eaten and in our tummies!" :p

Ofcourse these sweets are available in the market too but nothing comes close to homemade gujiyas. Nothing. And it's fun how everyone sits down together to make them ... it's a really nice feeling. There's lots of love, warmth, laughs and well...food. We couldn't ask for more.

:p

Student - "Ma'am is it ok if I come in 10 minutes late?"

Me - "10 mins?" :p

Student - "yes ma'am, actually its the dramatics society farewell, so like...would it be ok if i come in like 20 mins late?"

Me - "20 mins is it?" :)

Student - "I mean, there's some work n all, so you know, like if i enter 1o mins before class ends....?"

Me - "That's what I was waiting to hear...." :D

Ofcourse she entered just 10 minutes late and rushed out the moment the lecture ended.

This week and the next are going to be terrrrrible. Can't wait for it to end. Until then stocking up on the coffee and random-hour snacks.

This is how you remind me...

(Wrote this sometime back. Don't know if this is the right time to put it out there, but I guess when in doubt, just do ...)

- a tiara

- you staying up the whole night when I got a reject from U**

- Delhi. Every single moment.

- the look on your face when you give in, just to let me have my way

- one dozen red roses

- big, warm bhaalu hugs

- momos

- A&F shirts

- gadgets

- 'save tonight'

- self control

- stripes

- you insisting you know more about Economics than me

- your patience every time I brought up the 'us' topic

- waking up in the middle of the night, to wake you up for your interviews

- never managing to hide anything from you

- making me laugh when I feel like crying

- me not being able to sleep a wink when you're pissed

- taking the word 'perceptive' to a whole new level

- the feeling I get when I hear your 'Heyy' when you call me at college

- trying to ask you to study for midterms when all I really want to do is talk instead

- you getting a job

- Twitter

- Levis jeans

- lots of photographs

- calvin & hobbes

- TED videos

- the moments you leave me speechless

- you asking how my day was

- me sharing anecdotes about my students' with you & you laughing at them

- Hidesign

- missing you like crazy when you fly

- missing you for no reason

- honesty

- fights

- resolving fights

- endless jokes

- differences

- feeling uncertain. scared even sometimes.

- hating to wake you up in the morning

- trusting you

- Re-reading our chats when you're asleep

- wanting to surprise you. Succeeding sometimes

- feeling shy

- pointless debates just to hear you laugh

- DDLJ ...someday

- wearing my hair down just because you like it

- knowing that you know me

.....etc ...etc ....etc

Post script -

- the last word

- egos

- timeframes

- big phonebills. for one of us

- 'The nicest thing'

- Books

- Compilers

- White shirts in particular

- hugs. a zillion times over.

- living with differences. Or trying to.

- West coast bad luck

- Cutting back. Time n again

etc ...etc ...etc

Dear God

Dear God,

Today is one of those days when I just want to say so many things but I just am unable to. I'm unable to bring myself to talk to friends. Definitely not family. I thought I'd just tweet about it but even 140 characters seem too much to fill.

Hence this piece of writing is being directed at you.

God, I'm exhausted. I'm hurt. I'm angry. I'm disappointed. Disillusioned too. If nothing is perfect then why do we take so much time to try and make it seem so? And for once please clarify, is love by itself enough? If so, how much enough is it? Because honestly I'm beginning to feel it just doesn't matter. And that's like going against everything I've believed in for a long long time.

Also dear God, why does it often make me feel so so so so stupid about myself? And why is it that even though I should be thinking using my brilliant mind, I instead almost always choose to take a chance on what the heart is saying? Which then obviously results in everything becoming a mess. Invariably.

And God, since we are at it, what is the big deal about love anyway? Please just take me back to the time when its presence or absence didn't even matter one bit. When guy-friends were really just friends. And you just couldn't even think of falling for one of them. When you didn't find any of them cute or funny or interesting or nice in that way. And when there just was no other non-friend guy worth liking.

Of course if a lot of these things are irreversible, in which case even you, God, can't transport me back to that time, then kindly remind cupid that I too exist. I might be very small compared to alot of other people, and I might lead a small life, but that doesn't diminish my existence or its value.

God, just between you and me, I have met someone. He's a great guy, differences n all. So if it's not meant to be, then God you'd better have a damn good reason for it.

That's about it from me. For now. Since you are who you are God, all channels of communication are open to you. So I shall wait for a sign.

Mood of the past few days

I'm discovering a whole new kind of ('best') friendship, which is really really nice. I mean, to be entirely honest I'd promised myself to never ever mix best friends and love when it comes to the opposite sex. But well ... alot more things dont go according to plan, than they do. Should be getting used to it by now I guess...

So anyway, it does mean alot, for a whole lot of reasons. And it's not going to be taken for granted. And I know that because of how strange the last few days have been. My mind is, for some reason, going back to a time long gone by. It's as if I'm being reminded of how not-green the grass could just be. It's a scary prospect. I wonder if I can ever forget the vunlerability, the anger and the hurt I felt at that time.

Sometimes some questions don't have an answer. But how do you stop raising those questions then?

FYI, Mr.M

Dear Mr. M,

It was unexpected that I got to talk to you, but I guess somewhere I'm not surprised that the first thing she said to me was 'ok just talk to him...!'

D's one of my bestest friends, and I couldn't be happier if I tried! The two of you have definitely taken everyone by surprise, so much so that I almost pity the parents! Don't be taken in by her silence (actually, she and silent??! Since When?!) given that some of us have been hearing of you non-stop since what feels like forever now. And to think you were as gone as she is and the whole bunch of us couldn't figure it out and just took her word that apparently it's normal for you!

D deserves the best. I'm glad you've come into her life at this point of time. And I know things will work out the way you both want them to, at the right time & right place. Ofcourse we must still meet, can't spare her the teasing :p And I need to hear your end of the story too!

I'm good at what I do. And proud of it.

It's nice when people at work appreciate what you do. It reinforces my belief in my work, in myself doing a good job of it. And at the end of the day the appreciation starts always from the students. That's where it then flows to the rest of the staff.

I'm happy today. I've realised yet again, that hard work and sincerity always get recognised. Always. Sooner or later. When it happens in a male dominated college & department, then it feels even nicer!

Human spirit ...

"My name is Khan. And I'm not a terrorist".

I had three reasons for wanting to watch this one:

1. I would watch it a thousand times just to see SRK & Kajol together.

2. Shiv Sena can go die.

3. I wanted to be convinced that I've grown up enough to not cry in a Karan Johar movie.

Verdict:

1. The magic is still very much there! The two of them look as good as ever, together!

2. Not that I care.

3. Well, evidently I haven't. Damn...

In a span of three hours, I laughed, espcially at the "whatever" moment; cried like crazy when s** dies, fell in love in the 'sajdaa...' song. I felt the pain of being apart and yet not stopping to love someone, and felt real goosebumps when they sing their version of "Hum honge kamyaab/we shall overcome".

Not that it's the best of movies, it's not. But well, surprisingly I liked it more than I had expected. At the end of the day it's really about the human spirit. And how there really are just two kinds of people in the world, the good ones & the bad ones. No Hindu. No Muslin.

"What sort of nonsensical bakwaas is that?!"

Div likes a guy! Haha...Thank god, someone better than that loser ex-boyfriend of hers....

We obviously talked about it at length over coffee, popcorn and toast with butter & marmalade. This inspite of the fact that both of us were exhausted, me from the past three days of attending a crazy wedding, and she , well because she got drunk with the guy in question last night!

D - "So...how do I know if there's something happening?"

Me - "Umm...I think you should give it some time."

D - "How much time? ... When do I know it's enough time?"

Me - "Oh you'll know ..."

D - "So should I say something to him?"

Me - "umm...depends..."

D - "How will I know what to say to him?"

Me - "Umm...I think you'll just know"

D - - "What the hell is that supposed to mean?! What sort of nonsensical bakwaas is that?!?"

Well all I can say in my defense is, what else did she expect? :p

Next year is today

Love the Lambu!

Totally & Utterly!

C&H

Calvin: What's it like to fall in love?

Hobbes: Well... say the object of your affection walks by...

Calvin: Yeah?

Hobbes: First, your heart falls into your stomach and splashes your innards. All the moisture makes you sweat profusely. This condensation shorts the circuits to your brain and you get all woozy. When your brain burns out altogether, your mouth disengages and you babble like a cretin until she leaves.

Calvin: THAT'S LOVE?!?

Hobbes: Medically speaking.

Calvin: Heck, that happened to me once, but I figured it was cooties!!

hmm

So Twitter's got me at long last. I'm finding it somewhat of a burden though, I'm confused between putting things down here, or just making a quick mention of them there. I don't really entirely like the convenience it offers!

Things at the place of work have been pretty bad. Unpleasant. Just letting them be that way for now. D said apologising would probably end up creating conditions in which I could end up making things worse :p

Last term is in any case the toughest. There's just no scope to postpone stuff. End feb/first week march and we unofficially wrap everything up.

North campus has begun to feel like Holi & Valentines' day all at the same time. The lovely weather in the city just adds to the niceness of it all. February is when you should be in Delhi. Every tree is blossoming, every bush and every corner has flowers sprouting out of it, the grass is greenest on everyone's side.

This weekend is also the first wedding in the circle of family friends who are now family for all practical purposes. It's going to be one big loud typical crazy hectic indian wedding. Looking forward to it. Surprisingly.

Did I mention D & I went for a weekend getaway to Mussoorie? The queen of the hills treated us with kindness and lots of sunshine, so thank you very much. I can't believe I forgot to carry a journal this time round. More than that I can't believe how many thoughts were bursting from my mind to be put down on paper. But well....

It's back to work from last week. Managed to sift through a pile of answer scripts till my eyes burned and the mind became absolutely numb. What it made it worth though were the claps, cheers & hoots that greeted me when I walked into class with them! The students are back, refreshed and full of new hope for this last term.

Spent last weekend volunteering at the crafts' stall the ashram people put up. Was good good fun! Picked up a whole lot of stuff for a whole lot of people in the process!

February is when the flowers begin to bloom in the city. It's the best time to be here. Warm sunshine, slight breeze and and lots n lots of red, yellow, pink, purple flowers growing out of every nook and corner....

I have hurt someone. I didn't intend to, but I have. I am acutely aware of it. I couldn't sleep all night thinking how different things might have been had I edited one line.... just one line.

I was unsure about calling you up to do some damage control. I thought you would be angry and cold. Which you were. But I know the real reason I thought so much before giving you a call is because I was scared. Because talking to you reminded me that you hurt me too.

Changes

I have a new found respect for

• the internet
• webcams
• the internet at airports
• telephones
• electricity
• time-zone converters
• internet through an iPod (?!)

and the many other unknown advancements that technology has made, and which quite frankly are beyond me.

Big one for the big guy

I think one of the most difficult phase of the 20s is the hunt for a job. It's made worse when all you're dying to do is begin working, earning, and possibly saving. It becomes hellish when the process of application & interviews leaves you questioning yourself in general, and your abilities in particular.

I don't know of too many friends who escaped this cycle, and the lambu is well, no exception.

So when he informed me that he has landed a job, I was super happy for him! I didn't scream or shout or cry though, as I & people around me had when I'd landed mine! But I felt happy. You know, the kind of happy that's just there inside of you, when you feel that someone has really got their due. And you sort of know what it means to them. How hard they worked for it, how badly they wanted it and how much they deserve it.

The lambu deserves every single tiny piece of good news that comes his way. This one ofcourse was a pretty big one. So here's to you lambu :) Hope this is just the beginning.

remember...

I have missed alot of people at different points of time in my life. Parents, when I was in the hostel, my friends from Mct when we shifted base to Del, S-C-P since we graduated, AB on numerous ocassions, RG when he was in the States, people I've gone on treks with, people I've worked/interned with.... I miss people fairly easily.

This time however the missing is almost as if someone has torn a part of me and taken it with themselves. There's a strange ache right from my heart to the pit of my tummy, and no matter how hard I try, I haven't been able to stop myself from crying. I know you had to leave, I've known it all along, there was no other way this could have been. Yet why can't I seem to stop saying 'I wish you weren't going away'... I know this won't kill me, and really its not as if you've died or something. But well I will miss being in the same time-zone as you, and how easy some things were because of it.

You've left me with a truckload of memories and I just don't know where to slot them in my mind/heart. I wouldn't exchange them for anything in the world. I do feel overwhelmed by it all.

Jan 1st musings

Another 1st of January. It usually takes me the whole of today to go over all that happened in the past year, one last time. To assure myself that I did the best I could have, that it was ok if I felt bad. The sunshine filters through curtains that have changed from orange to red, in a new room as I hum along to the Eagles' Tequila Sunrise.

In 2010 I hope to be more giving, more tolerant, less impatient, more aware. I hope to not lose sight of all the things I have and all the people around me who really do love me unconditionally - and the sense of security it brings to my life. I hope to not lose my faith in the goodness of people. I hope I can be more accepting when things don't go my way, as they are bound to! I hope the next few months are worth the wait - I hope there are many more conversations, laughs, photographs, big phone bills, shorter sleep hours - I hope I can let go entirely knowing someone will be there to catch me.

I will fight less with ma. I will be a better friend. I will indulge myself. I will go for longer walks, buy fresh flowers just generally.

Oh, well happy new year's baby

We could probably fix it if we clean it up all day

Or we could simply pack our bags

And catch a plane to Barcelona 'cause this city's a drag

I may take a holiday in Spain

Leave my wings behind me

Drink my worries down the drain

And fly away to somewhere new

Fly away to someone new....

(Counting Crows)

2010 I hope you're kind to me and those I love most.

Happy new year to you, to me and to bloggie!

And the curtains fall...

2009 has just flown by. Yet there are moments of it which will stay with me forever. Or for sometime to come!

I have grown as a person, I have regained the sense of self that had gotten lost over the past few years. I am proud of my work, of what I do, and of myself.

I have discovered new things about myself. How long I will be tolerant, how far I will be pushed, how much I can take before I fight back....

I've discovered emotions I never knew I could feel. I've been red & pink!

I have come to appreciate people around me, I've realised its never too soon to say what you really feel about someone (because sometimes it might just be too late). I'm regaining my faith in love. I know, at the same time, that I can survive the process of letting go, painful as it might seem.

2009 has made me stronger, wiser, a little more realistic, alot more accepting....and leaves me with new hopes & dreams for 2010.

Happy holidays!

Forrest Gumping...

Forrest Gump: Will you marry me?
[Jenny turns and looks at him]
Forrest Gump: I'd make a good husband, Jenny.
Jenny Curran: You would, Forrest.
Forrest Gump: ...But you won't marry me.
Jenny Curran: [sadly] ... You don't wanna marry me.
Forrest Gump: Why don't you love me, Jenny?
[Jenny says nothing]
Forrest Gump: I'm not a smart man... but I know what love is

I just saw my cluster-map. So many locations??!

Thanks everyone, for stopping by my blog once in a while :) I don't know you (all), which only makes this that much more special. Thank you!

So far...

It is turning out to be a magical december.

College has been at its most vibrant. December brings with it just the perfect weather to enjoy the city. The right mix of sunshine and a slight nip in the air. The university is buzzing with countless festivals - economics, history, english, sociology, movie screenings, dance/dramatics and what not! It does make me nostalgic. At the same time I do like being a part of this way. Especially their requests to be a judge :p Coursework is on track, but term-end is always tiring. Just the thought of all the loose ends that have to be tied together before we go in for the winter break is enough to exhaust one entirely.

This week was tiring also because RG & I were busy executing a surprise weekend getaway for the parents' anniversary. From their feedback so far, it seems to have been totally worth the effort :)

I have managed to watch a few movies, caught up with AB & D as well. AB's life has ended up getting alot messier than anyone could have imagined. Whatever happened to good things happening to good people, I wonder...

I've been surprised by myself in many ways recently. I've never been able to hide what I feel too well. But this time I seem to be setting new records for myself. While that in itself is astonishing, what's new is that somewhere I feel ok about it. Initially I did feel as though I was coming across as stupid/dumb/foolish, and while at some moments I did, usually I just feel like there's no point in holding back, in keeping it inside of me. Ofcourse the repercussions have been that the entire city has seen me grinning like a nutcase. The people at the metro station, the autowaalas, my students, colleagues, ma, friends (D said I've never looked like this!), and well a certain someone across a computer screen half way across the world.

Life can sometimes be so strange. It takes one unexpected turn and you have to figure it all out , all over again. I've realised it's best not to question some things. Sometimes you just can't do anything. Just have to let them happen. When they are meant to happen. If at all. This once, I am waiting, just to even hope/pray that it might work out...

Mumbai 26/11 One Year On

It's one year today, from when the terror attacks happened at Mumbai. Memorial services are being held all over the country. There are call-in programs on TV, on the radio... I've just finished watching a short film, 'unn hazaaron ke naam', which has recounted the entire ordeal. It's as though we've had to go through it all over again. The young chef who lost his life at the Taj, the jewish baby who lost his parents, the hotel manager who lost his family... and the other thousands who felt that loss as their own.

I still remember how those three days had us glued to the TV and newspapers. There were moments when I just couldn't stop my tears. Not then, not today.

We lit a candle. There's something about candles isn't it? It stands for hope in the midst of so much helplessness. It stands for remembrance. and faith.

Head over Feet

It's been long. So long that I've forgotten what it feels like. I'm surprised by the happiness. The warmth. The knowing-ness that comes with it. And fun. Loads of that! The attention & the flirting! I've been having random conversations with M, P & AB but even to them I haven't been able to convey what I feel.

I didn't expect it to happen. Not right now. Not like this! And I couldn't do anything about it. I did try to resist, but well... :)

Ipod is playing Alanis' Head over Feet...

...You treat me like I'm a princess

I'm not used to liking that

You ask how my day was

You've already won me over in spite of me

And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet

Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are

I couldn't help it

It's all your fault

:)

Reefknot is back in the blogosphere. And she has put down such a nice quote, do check it out! (nov 13th)

As for me, the world has changed. Significantly. It seems hard to believe!

I've always had a thing about honesty. I can't lie. To anyone. It shows instantly. At the same time I usually expect people to be equally honest with me. Now sometimes that ends up with them saying things I don't agree. Or don't want to agree with. It is at moments like those that I wish people would just say what I want to hear, even if it's not the whole truth. Is that so wrong? Or just part of being human?

december challenge...

The lambu has been ruthless for the past few days. And he's trying to woo my Ma! They gang up against me. Let december come...I will not let him win :p

undergrads

It has suddenly become very cold in Delhi. It snows in Shimla, and our woollens are out. It doesn't help that half the population is down with the flu. Including your truly. Teaching becomes most difficult then. To stand for an hour, do some heavy duty talking while at the same trying to gauge the mood of 45-50 nineteen year olds, when your body feels like wood and head like a stack of hay - is no childs play!

This week particularly the boys seem to be very restless. This week seems to have been marked by a lull in their sports & dramatics activities, so a whole bunch of lanky and very naughty backbenchers have been making my class discussions more animated than usual :)

Yesterday I had to however ask them to try and maintain silence since I was croaking like a frog. They immediately quitened down. At the end of the lecture one of them very innocently enquired 'maam will we have class tomorrow?". My automatic response was why wouldn't we?! And he says 'no maam, you're not feeling well, so you should take a day off and rest' - LOL! All the while I could make out the impish grin of his, and those around them, hoping for a free day...

Today one of them came up to me as I wrapped up some work and said 'maam do I trouble you alot in the class?" :) I honestly didn't know what to say to him! I had an urge to laugh out loud, but well had to control that one. I told him I'd let him know when he was stepping the bounds, and that it was fine, 'its the age' for him to trouble me and for me to have enough tolerance to enjoy it than be bothered by it!

Another time one of them turned up, looking very apologetic about his low attendance in class. 'maam I really want to improve my attendance'.....

I do love these kids. I can't help it!

The festival season has begun in the university. So all the dance, dramatics, music people are busy with practices. It's infectious, the urge to not attend class! The weather just adds to the temptation of sitting down with a good cup of coffee and some good music.

I feel terribly alone. There's an emptiness right in the pit of my stomach. It's like a hollow. I feel like all I want to do is to have a good cry. But I'm unable to. The tears just won't come. I thought it would help to talk to some friends. But I just wasn't able to get the words out of my mouth. Instead all I said was 'So, whats happening?' and tried to sound normal while the conversation lasted.

Why does it have to be so hard?

To forgive. To forget. To trust, again.

To believe. In love.

To have faith. In others. In myself.

To be tolerant.

To smile.

To laugh. Even at the bad times.

Why does it have to be harder to not wish that you were here. To never hope for another bouquet of flowers. From you. Even if they are orchids again. To resist the urge to just pick up the phone and talk to you. Especially right now.

Why must it all be so hard?

F*** ETS

I have had ALL my education in english - my schooling, my undergrad, my masters. I now teach in an english-medium university, and a top-notch one at that. I speak english more fluently than hindi (my native language). I have read more literature, heard more music, seen more plays in english than in Hindi. When I get angry I am more coherent in English.

YET just because the US follows certain systems, I have to take the TOEFL. Which I did, a week back. I took a day off from work to 'prepare' for it. During the test I felt nothing short of brain-dead. What is this passage about? What is the conversation about? Blah Blah Blah. Utter useless nonsense.

I don't have an issue with this stupid exam. Maybe there are people for who it really does reflect some ability to speak/read/understand the English language. I have an issue with having to pay $165 for a test I really don't need. AND I have an issue with having to pay an extra $17 for additional score reports. $17?? Why on earth does it cost them that much?! Especially since most of these are now electronically sent from ETS to the univs. (for the GRE it is $20).

It's ok to have a policy where you want score reports, it's even understandable that you want them from the official source. But that you charge so much for them? Where's the justification in that? Take the alternate case for transcripts - they r official too, we get them from the univs, and in most cases they are provided to us free of cost (or very minimal if at all). Then what is too great about ETS? And seriously those four 'free' score cards - how many people actually apply to just 'four' places??!? More so when especially for TOEFL there's this stupid mandatory requirement for all international students! I mean seriously, atleast we got our english from the English....

Everyone knows that applying to a place like the US/UK involves money. I know, since I'm going to be exhausting almost a year's worth of savings, and I work as a professor! One can understand application fee, but forced expenditure just does not seem logical/justified. I wonder why so many international students are quiet about this?

Proud me

"Should we start a petition to get you back?" said one of the students at my old place of work.

"We miss you" messages are still pouring in.

"Heard they were very happy with you. Good show!" said Mojo.