Saturday, February 27, 2010

This blog's been a fairly private one. I suppose I see it as a space to just talk about whatever it is that's on my mind without necessarily looking for a response or reaction from someone else. Because there really are times when all you need to do is just that. There are moments when no one can understand, and it's as if speaking to an infinite void out there by itself brings alot of clarity.

Recently however, a few people who have read this blog, have liked it. It did come as a surprise. Mainly since I don't view my writing as anything too great. For me the greater purpose is just to be able to get things out of my system. I'm surprised that others can enjoy it so much!

So, for whatever it's worth, thank you :) It is nice to know.

@naani's

Just got back from naani's house. I have tons of memories of their house. Just like most people would, of their naani's home I guess. I remember how my parents, maamu, maami and naani would try to wake us up on time and try to instill some discipline in summer holidays, those days when the lack of direction can end up becoming quite counter productive. Well they didn't succeed.

Laavan, Aaru, RG & me must be the most spoilt kids on earth when we are at naani's. We would wake up late. Breakfast in bed. Or infront of the TV. Baths in the evening...Sometimes, when we were much younger, in the backyard, insisting on using the ancient handpump which would draw up freezing water from below the ground, and it felt awesome in the terrible summer heat! On other occassions like Holi, after we would have had our share of colours and water, we would be marched out to the back, and maamu would make us sit under the handpump in turn, and make sure we rinsed off whatever we could before we entered our filthy selves into the bathrooms!

I remember how naana came up with the idea of maggie@4P.M. everyday in order to get us to eat a proper lunch before that. We'd play hopscotch all day long outside their house, or up on the terrace. With the rest of the kids in their lane. And at night we would spread mattresses on the floor so all of us could still whisper late into the night, long after everyone had slept and the only person keeping us company would be the colony guard - he would pass by the house and blow his whistle in the dead of the night, till we fell asleep.
Naani would tell us the same three stories every single night and we'd listen and laugh each and every time. And back in the times when Delhi had severe power cuts in summers, sometimes the entire family would go and sleep up on the terrace till at 5AM the sun would rise and we kids would be picked up and transported to the rooms downstairs.
I remember also how we would grow channa (grams) and rajma (kidney bean) plants in cotton ...and then transfer them to the garden when they grew a bit.

Ofcourse now we've grown up :p But we still wake up late. Still eat all meals while watching TV. But hopscotch has been replaced by quiet walks outside. Maami has begun asking the doodhwaala to supply extra milk since we're prone to making cold coffee at 2AM. The maggie's still there. So is the Coke, and lots and lots of dabbas of namkeens. Our conversations have moved on from weird classmates and teachers at school, to well...more profound things like the aches and pains of growing up. The food's still there too. My maami and naani are two of the world's best cooks, and to them we are still 10 yr olds who need to be fed properly. "If you won't eat properly, how will you study?" is what it used to be till a few years back. Now the 'study' has been replaced by 'work'.

This time we made gujiyas. The special sweets for Holi. So maami made the dough, which all of us then rolled into small round bits. Naani then flattened them, and we stuffed them up with a mix of lots of sweet stuff (which i can't translate into english right now!), and then put aside the semi-circular things to be fried by maami. It was fun, how everyone sat on this sheet we'd spread on the floor. And how the jokes and comments flowed non stop! From teasing RG to be a part of the 'work' to his potential significant other! And RG taking a dig at the gujiyas Laavan made, and giving her a tough time the moment she ate more than three of them later on! :p
Everyone agreed Aaru was the smartest one since she went off to meet some friends early in the morning and hence was spared being a part of the labour force! Maami commented that most of us made up an army of unskilled labour, and maamu tried some of his management strategies to monitor the whole process but soon just went to sleep. Just before going though, he said "all right then...when i wake up I want all the work done, and all the gujiyas...."
And a cheeky voice said "...made and eaten and in our tummies!" :p

Ofcourse these sweets are available in the market too but nothing comes close to homemade gujiyas. Nothing. And it's fun how everyone sits down together to make them ... it's a really nice feeling. There's lots of love, warmth, laughs and well...food. We couldn't ask for more.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

:p

Student - "Ma'am is it ok if I come in 10 minutes late?"
Me - "10 mins?" :p
Student - "yes ma'am, actually its the dramatics society farewell, so like...would it be ok if i come in like 20 mins late?"
Me - "20 mins is it?" :)
Student - "I mean, there's some work n all, so you know, like if i enter 1o mins before class ends....?"
Me - "That's what I was waiting to hear...." :D

Ofcourse she entered just 10 minutes late and rushed out the moment the lecture ended.

This week and the next are going to be terrrrrible. Can't wait for it to end. Until then stocking up on the coffee and random-hour snacks.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

This is how you remind me...

(Wrote this sometime back. Don't know if this is the right time to put it out there, but I guess when in doubt, just do ...)

- a tiara
- you staying up the whole night when I got a reject from U**
- Delhi. Every single moment.
- the look on your face when you give in, just to let me have my way
- one dozen red roses
- big, warm bhaalu hugs
- momos
- A&F shirts
- gadgets
- 'save tonight'
- self control
- stripes
- you insisting you know more about Economics than me
- your patience every time I brought up the 'us' topic
- waking up in the middle of the night, to wake you up for your interviews
- never managing to hide anything from you
- making me laugh when I feel like crying
- me not being able to sleep a wink when you're pissed
- taking the word 'perceptive' to a whole new level
- the feeling I get when I hear your 'Heyy' when you call me at college
- trying to ask you to study for midterms when all I really want to do is talk instead
- you getting a job
- Twitter
- Levis jeans
- lots of photographs
- calvin & hobbes
- TED videos
- the moments you leave me speechless
- you asking how my day was
- me sharing anecdotes about my students' with you & you laughing at them
- Hidesign
- missing you like crazy when you fly
- missing you for no reason
- honesty
- fights
- resolving fights
- endless jokes
- differences
- feeling uncertain. scared even sometimes.
- hating to wake you up in the morning
- trusting you
- Re-reading our chats when you're asleep
- wanting to surprise you. Succeeding sometimes
- feeling shy
- pointless debates just to hear you laugh
- DDLJ ...someday
- wearing my hair down just because you like it
- knowing that you know me
.....etc ...etc ....etc

Post script -

- the last word
- egos
- timeframes
- big phonebills. for one of us
- 'The nicest thing'
- Books
- Compilers
- White shirts in particular
- hugs. a zillion times over.
- living with differences. Or trying to.
- West coast bad luck
- Cutting back. Time n again
etc ...etc ...etc

Dear God

Dear God,
Today is one of those days when I just want to say so many things but I just am unable to. I'm unable to bring myself to talk to friends. Definitely not family. I thought I'd just tweet about it but even 140 characters seem too much to fill.
Hence this piece of writing is being directed at you.

God, I'm exhausted. I'm hurt. I'm angry. I'm disappointed. Disillusioned too. If nothing is perfect then why do we take so much time to try and make it seem so? And for once please clarify, is love by itself enough? If so, how much enough is it? Because honestly I'm beginning to feel it just doesn't matter. And that's like going against everything I've believed in for a long long time.

Also dear God, why does it often make me feel so so so so stupid about myself? And why is it that even though I should be thinking using my brilliant mind, I instead almost always choose to take a chance on what the heart is saying? Which then obviously results in everything becoming a mess. Invariably.

And God, since we are at it, what is the big deal about love anyway? Please just take me back to the time when its presence or absence didn't even matter one bit. When guy-friends were really just friends. And you just couldn't even think of falling for one of them. When you didn't find any of them cute or funny or interesting or nice in that way. And when there just was no other non-friend guy worth liking.
Of course if a lot of these things are irreversible, in which case even you, God, can't transport me back to that time, then kindly remind cupid that I too exist. I might be very small compared to alot of other people, and I might lead a small life, but that doesn't diminish my existence or its value.

God, just between you and me, I have met someone. He's a great guy, differences n all. So if it's not meant to be, then God you'd better have a damn good reason for it.

That's about it from me. For now. Since you are who you are God, all channels of communication are open to you. So I shall wait for a sign.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Mood of the past few days

I'm discovering a whole new kind of ('best') friendship, which is really really nice. I mean, to be entirely honest I'd promised myself to never ever mix best friends and love when it comes to the opposite sex. But well ... alot more things dont go according to plan, than they do. Should be getting used to it by now I guess...

So anyway, it does mean alot, for a whole lot of reasons. And it's not going to be taken for granted. And I know that because of how strange the last few days have been. My mind is, for some reason, going back to a time long gone by. It's as if I'm being reminded of how not-green the grass could just be. It's a scary prospect. I wonder if I can ever forget the vunlerability, the anger and the hurt I felt at that time.
Sometimes some questions don't have an answer. But how do you stop raising those questions then?

Saturday, February 20, 2010

FYI, Mr.M

Dear Mr. M,

It was unexpected that I got to talk to you, but I guess somewhere I'm not surprised that the first thing she said to me was 'ok just talk to him...!'

D's one of my bestest friends, and I couldn't be happier if I tried! The two of you have definitely taken everyone by surprise, so much so that I almost pity the parents! Don't be taken in by her silence (actually, she and silent??! Since When?!) given that some of us have been hearing of you non-stop since what feels like forever now. And to think you were as gone as she is and the whole bunch of us couldn't figure it out and just took her word that apparently it's normal for you!

D deserves the best. I'm glad you've come into her life at this point of time. And I know things will work out the way you both want them to, at the right time & right place. Ofcourse we must still meet, can't spare her the teasing :p And I need to hear your end of the story too!

Friday, February 19, 2010

I'm good at what I do. And proud of it.

It's nice when people at work appreciate what you do. It reinforces my belief in my work, in myself doing a good job of it. And at the end of the day the appreciation starts always from the students. That's where it then flows to the rest of the staff.
I'm happy today. I've realised yet again, that hard work and sincerity always get recognised. Always. Sooner or later. When it happens in a male dominated college & department, then it feels even nicer!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Human spirit ...

"My name is Khan. And I'm not a terrorist".

I had three reasons for wanting to watch this one:
1. I would watch it a thousand times just to see SRK & Kajol together.
2. Shiv Sena can go die.
3. I wanted to be convinced that I've grown up enough to not cry in a Karan Johar movie.

Verdict:
1. The magic is still very much there! The two of them look as good as ever, together!
2. Not that I care.
3. Well, evidently I haven't. Damn...

In a span of three hours, I laughed, espcially at the "whatever" moment; cried like crazy when s** dies, fell in love in the 'sajdaa...' song. I felt the pain of being apart and yet not stopping to love someone, and felt real goosebumps when they sing their version of "Hum honge kamyaab/we shall overcome".

Not that it's the best of movies, it's not. But well, surprisingly I liked it more than I had expected. At the end of the day it's really about the human spirit. And how there really are just two kinds of people in the world, the good ones & the bad ones. No Hindu. No Muslin.

Monday, February 15, 2010

"What sort of nonsensical bakwaas is that?!"

Div likes a guy! Haha...Thank god, someone better than that loser ex-boyfriend of hers....

We obviously talked about it at length over coffee, popcorn and toast with butter & marmalade. This inspite of the fact that both of us were exhausted, me from the past three days of attending a crazy wedding, and she , well because she got drunk with the guy in question last night!

D - "So...how do I know if there's something happening?"
Me - "Umm...I think you should give it some time."
D - "How much time? ... When do I know it's enough time?"
Me - "Oh you'll know ..."
D - "So should I say something to him?"
Me - "umm...depends..."
D - "How will I know what to say to him?"
Me - "Umm...I think you'll just know"
D - - "What the hell is that supposed to mean?! What sort of nonsensical bakwaas is that?!?"

Well all I can say in my defense is, what else did she expect? :p


Sunday, February 14, 2010

Next year is today

Love the Lambu!
Totally & Utterly!

C&H

Calvin: What's it like to fall in love?
Hobbes: Well... say the object of your affection walks by...
Calvin: Yeah?
Hobbes: First, your heart falls into your stomach and splashes your innards. All the moisture makes you sweat profusely. This condensation shorts the circuits to your brain and you get all woozy. When your brain burns out altogether, your mouth disengages and you babble like a cretin until she leaves.
Calvin: THAT'S LOVE?!?
Hobbes: Medically speaking.
Calvin: Heck, that happened to me once, but I figured it was cooties!!




Friday, February 12, 2010

hmm

So Twitter's got me at long last. I'm finding it somewhat of a burden though, I'm confused between putting things down here, or just making a quick mention of them there. I don't really entirely like the convenience it offers!

Things at the place of work have been pretty bad. Unpleasant. Just letting them be that way for now. D said apologising would probably end up creating conditions in which I could end up making things worse :p
Last term is in any case the toughest. There's just no scope to postpone stuff. End feb/first week march and we unofficially wrap everything up.

North campus has begun to feel like Holi & Valentines' day all at the same time. The lovely weather in the city just adds to the niceness of it all. February is when you should be in Delhi. Every tree is blossoming, every bush and every corner has flowers sprouting out of it, the grass is greenest on everyone's side.

This weekend is also the first wedding in the circle of family friends who are now family for all practical purposes. It's going to be one big loud typical crazy hectic indian wedding. Looking forward to it. Surprisingly.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Did I mention D & I went for a weekend getaway to Mussoorie? The queen of the hills treated us with kindness and lots of sunshine, so thank you very much. I can't believe I forgot to carry a journal this time round. More than that I can't believe how many thoughts were bursting from my mind to be put down on paper. But well....

It's back to work from last week. Managed to sift through a pile of answer scripts till my eyes burned and the mind became absolutely numb. What it made it worth though were the claps, cheers & hoots that greeted me when I walked into class with them! The students are back, refreshed and full of new hope for this last term.

Spent last weekend volunteering at the crafts' stall the ashram people put up. Was good good fun! Picked up a whole lot of stuff for a whole lot of people in the process!

February is when the flowers begin to bloom in the city. It's the best time to be here. Warm sunshine, slight breeze and and lots n lots of red, yellow, pink, purple flowers growing out of every nook and corner....

Thursday, January 28, 2010

I have hurt someone. I didn't intend to, but I have. I am acutely aware of it. I couldn't sleep all night thinking how different things might have been had I edited one line.... just one line.

I was unsure about calling you up to do some damage control. I thought you would be angry and cold. Which you were. But I know the real reason I thought so much before giving you a call is because I was scared. Because talking to you reminded me that you hurt me too.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Changes

I have a new found respect for
  • the internet
  • webcams
  • the internet at airports
  • telephones
  • electricity
  • time-zone converters
  • internet through an iPod (?!)
and the many other unknown advancements that technology has made, and which quite frankly are beyond me.

Big one for the big guy

I think one of the most difficult phase of the 20s is the hunt for a job. It's made worse when all you're dying to do is begin working, earning, and possibly saving. It becomes hellish when the process of application & interviews leaves you questioning yourself in general, and your abilities in particular.
I don't know of too many friends who escaped this cycle, and the lambu is well, no exception.

So when he informed me that he has landed a job, I was super happy for him! I didn't scream or shout or cry though, as I & people around me had when I'd landed mine! But I felt happy. You know, the kind of happy that's just there inside of you, when you feel that someone has really got their due. And you sort of know what it means to them. How hard they worked for it, how badly they wanted it and how much they deserve it.

The lambu deserves every single tiny piece of good news that comes his way. This one ofcourse was a pretty big one. So here's to you lambu :) Hope this is just the beginning.

remember...

I have missed alot of people at different points of time in my life. Parents, when I was in the hostel, my friends from Mct when we shifted base to Del, S-C-P since we graduated, AB on numerous ocassions, RG when he was in the States, people I've gone on treks with, people I've worked/interned with.... I miss people fairly easily.

This time however the missing is almost as if someone has torn a part of me and taken it with themselves. There's a strange ache right from my heart to the pit of my tummy, and no matter how hard I try, I haven't been able to stop myself from crying. I know you had to leave, I've known it all along, there was no other way this could have been. Yet why can't I seem to stop saying 'I wish you weren't going away'... I know this won't kill me, and really its not as if you've died or something. But well I will miss being in the same time-zone as you, and how easy some things were because of it.

You've left me with a truckload of memories and I just don't know where to slot them in my mind/heart. I wouldn't exchange them for anything in the world. I do feel overwhelmed by it all.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Jan 1st musings

Another 1st of January. It usually takes me the whole of today to go over all that happened in the past year, one last time. To assure myself that I did the best I could have, that it was ok if I felt bad. The sunshine filters through curtains that have changed from orange to red, in a new room as I hum along to the Eagles' Tequila Sunrise.
In 2010 I hope to be more giving, more tolerant, less impatient, more aware. I hope to not lose sight of all the things I have and all the people around me who really do love me unconditionally - and the sense of security it brings to my life. I hope to not lose my faith in the goodness of people. I hope I can be more accepting when things don't go my way, as they are bound to! I hope the next few months are worth the wait - I hope there are many more conversations, laughs, photographs, big phone bills, shorter sleep hours - I hope I can let go entirely knowing someone will be there to catch me.
I will fight less with ma. I will be a better friend. I will indulge myself. I will go for longer walks, buy fresh flowers just generally.

Oh, well happy new year's baby
We could probably fix it if we clean it up all day
Or we could simply pack our bags
And catch a plane to Barcelona 'cause this city's a drag
I may take a holiday in Spain
Leave my wings behind me
Drink my worries down the drain
And fly away to somewhere new
Fly away to someone new....
(Counting Crows)
2010 I hope you're kind to me and those I love most.

Happy new year to you, to me and to bloggie!