Mumbai 26/11 One Year On

It's one year today, from when the terror attacks happened at Mumbai. Memorial services are being held all over the country. There are call-in programs on TV, on the radio... I've just finished watching a short film, 'unn hazaaron ke naam', which has recounted the entire ordeal. It's as though we've had to go through it all over again. The young chef who lost his life at the Taj, the jewish baby who lost his parents, the hotel manager who lost his family... and the other thousands who felt that loss as their own.

I still remember how those three days had us glued to the TV and newspapers. There were moments when I just couldn't stop my tears. Not then, not today.

We lit a candle. There's something about candles isn't it? It stands for hope in the midst of so much helplessness. It stands for remembrance. and faith.

Head over Feet

It's been long. So long that I've forgotten what it feels like. I'm surprised by the happiness. The warmth. The knowing-ness that comes with it. And fun. Loads of that! The attention & the flirting! I've been having random conversations with M, P & AB but even to them I haven't been able to convey what I feel.

I didn't expect it to happen. Not right now. Not like this! And I couldn't do anything about it. I did try to resist, but well... :)

Ipod is playing Alanis' Head over Feet...

...You treat me like I'm a princess

I'm not used to liking that

You ask how my day was

You've already won me over in spite of me

And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet

Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are

I couldn't help it

It's all your fault

:)

Reefknot is back in the blogosphere. And she has put down such a nice quote, do check it out! (nov 13th)

As for me, the world has changed. Significantly. It seems hard to believe!

I've always had a thing about honesty. I can't lie. To anyone. It shows instantly. At the same time I usually expect people to be equally honest with me. Now sometimes that ends up with them saying things I don't agree. Or don't want to agree with. It is at moments like those that I wish people would just say what I want to hear, even if it's not the whole truth. Is that so wrong? Or just part of being human?

december challenge...

The lambu has been ruthless for the past few days. And he's trying to woo my Ma! They gang up against me. Let december come...I will not let him win :p

undergrads

It has suddenly become very cold in Delhi. It snows in Shimla, and our woollens are out. It doesn't help that half the population is down with the flu. Including your truly. Teaching becomes most difficult then. To stand for an hour, do some heavy duty talking while at the same trying to gauge the mood of 45-50 nineteen year olds, when your body feels like wood and head like a stack of hay - is no childs play!

This week particularly the boys seem to be very restless. This week seems to have been marked by a lull in their sports & dramatics activities, so a whole bunch of lanky and very naughty backbenchers have been making my class discussions more animated than usual :)

Yesterday I had to however ask them to try and maintain silence since I was croaking like a frog. They immediately quitened down. At the end of the lecture one of them very innocently enquired 'maam will we have class tomorrow?". My automatic response was why wouldn't we?! And he says 'no maam, you're not feeling well, so you should take a day off and rest' - LOL! All the while I could make out the impish grin of his, and those around them, hoping for a free day...

Today one of them came up to me as I wrapped up some work and said 'maam do I trouble you alot in the class?" :) I honestly didn't know what to say to him! I had an urge to laugh out loud, but well had to control that one. I told him I'd let him know when he was stepping the bounds, and that it was fine, 'its the age' for him to trouble me and for me to have enough tolerance to enjoy it than be bothered by it!

Another time one of them turned up, looking very apologetic about his low attendance in class. 'maam I really want to improve my attendance'.....

I do love these kids. I can't help it!

The festival season has begun in the university. So all the dance, dramatics, music people are busy with practices. It's infectious, the urge to not attend class! The weather just adds to the temptation of sitting down with a good cup of coffee and some good music.

I feel terribly alone. There's an emptiness right in the pit of my stomach. It's like a hollow. I feel like all I want to do is to have a good cry. But I'm unable to. The tears just won't come. I thought it would help to talk to some friends. But I just wasn't able to get the words out of my mouth. Instead all I said was 'So, whats happening?' and tried to sound normal while the conversation lasted.

Why does it have to be so hard?

To forgive. To forget. To trust, again.

To believe. In love.

To have faith. In others. In myself.

To be tolerant.

To smile.

To laugh. Even at the bad times.

Why does it have to be harder to not wish that you were here. To never hope for another bouquet of flowers. From you. Even if they are orchids again. To resist the urge to just pick up the phone and talk to you. Especially right now.

Why must it all be so hard?

F*** ETS

I have had ALL my education in english - my schooling, my undergrad, my masters. I now teach in an english-medium university, and a top-notch one at that. I speak english more fluently than hindi (my native language). I have read more literature, heard more music, seen more plays in english than in Hindi. When I get angry I am more coherent in English.

YET just because the US follows certain systems, I have to take the TOEFL. Which I did, a week back. I took a day off from work to 'prepare' for it. During the test I felt nothing short of brain-dead. What is this passage about? What is the conversation about? Blah Blah Blah. Utter useless nonsense.

I don't have an issue with this stupid exam. Maybe there are people for who it really does reflect some ability to speak/read/understand the English language. I have an issue with having to pay $165 for a test I really don't need. AND I have an issue with having to pay an extra $17 for additional score reports. $17?? Why on earth does it cost them that much?! Especially since most of these are now electronically sent from ETS to the univs. (for the GRE it is $20).

It's ok to have a policy where you want score reports, it's even understandable that you want them from the official source. But that you charge so much for them? Where's the justification in that? Take the alternate case for transcripts - they r official too, we get them from the univs, and in most cases they are provided to us free of cost (or very minimal if at all). Then what is too great about ETS? And seriously those four 'free' score cards - how many people actually apply to just 'four' places??!? More so when especially for TOEFL there's this stupid mandatory requirement for all international students! I mean seriously, atleast we got our english from the English....

Everyone knows that applying to a place like the US/UK involves money. I know, since I'm going to be exhausting almost a year's worth of savings, and I work as a professor! One can understand application fee, but forced expenditure just does not seem logical/justified. I wonder why so many international students are quiet about this?

Proud me

"Should we start a petition to get you back?" said one of the students at my old place of work.

"We miss you" messages are still pouring in.

"Heard they were very happy with you. Good show!" said Mojo.

'M' for Madness

I've been shuttling between north campus, JNU & home for the past few weeks. That translates into innumerable metro & rickshaw (cycle and auto) rides. Ofcourse Delhi is beautiful at this time of the year, so it's not so bad. I get to cross my favourite part of the city - the Rajpath/India Gate area - in the lovely early-winter sun. It feels nice.

Today after ages met up with M. The woman has offically gone insane. She seems to constantly raise the bar when it comes to outdoing her eccentricities. Someone who has to submit her research synopisis in 3 weeks time and has no clue what she's going to do. Someone who has not bothered to collect her scholarship money. And infact doesn't even remember if she applied to claim it in the first place! Same for the change in her thesis guide - apparently she moved from one Prof to another and now thinks she just thought about it in her 'mind'. Even the two bhaiyyas at the office coulnd't believe her! They looked at her in utter disbelief - "...matlab aapne apply hi nahin kiya?"

LOL!

Sunday morning ramblings

Have you ever felt that there are times when you can do absolutely nothing but laugh at fate? Or destiny.

If there is one thing I have learnt in this arranged - marriage process, it is this. I have hated it, resisted it, looked down upon it, even loathed it sometimes. Yet today I feel like I've gotten to know how it works. And at the end of almost 10 months of it, I can still proudly hold my head up amidst the sea of supposedly-eligible men and say that I deserve better. I remember thinking how no man could ever be good enough. It was something that I just implicitly assumed, never bothering to delve deeper for concrete reasons. Today though I know why. Maybe that's something this process teaches you? To re-discover a little bit of yourself as you try to discover someone else.

I still recall the first day Ma began making the phonecalls. I was in tears within 5 minutes! I felt terrified of everything. The prospect of having to meet a complete stranger and his family scared me to pieces. I didn't know what I would say to him. I mean, how on earth would I ever have a conversation with a complete stanger? Add to that the anxiety of meeting his parents. It wasn't easy. The first two times I was trembling as I went in to meet them! But it has gotten better along the way. If anything, atleast I know how to keep a conversation going for around 1.5 hrs with someone who I just don't know! But that's not the only development. I've learned not to take offense so easily. I've learned to give people the benefit of the doubt. I've learned that good looks are really not everything. I've also learned that a man's shoes say alot about him!! I've learned how to ask probing questions without seeming too blunt - or to not feel so bad about questions that turn out to be not so subtle. I've also learned how to handle some very personal, and still painful, questions.

The stars seem to have changed their alignment since lately I have met some nice guys. Now I'm learning not to keep those hopes too high up (although deep inside I can't seem to let go of the optimism!). Yet I know I'm now strong enough to survive the disappointment, should it arise.

'Tumhari Amrita'...

Watched this play called 'tumhari amrita'. Finally. I had gone to watch it many years back, with this friend from college. He got so late that we missed the play! And since then it has been staged in the city innumerable times, but I've never made it. Till today. It Was Awesome. Shabani Azmi & Farooq Sheikh were just excellent. Imagine a stage with two wooden desks and chairs, side by side. Two people. And a pile of letters they exchanged over a period of 35 odd years. Shabana's intonations were superb, for any kind of emotion!

The Osian film fest is also about to begin too. I'm missing the quirky character who has moved to the States.... might just rope M in..

In the head of two 25-yr-olds

Spent the day with AB. We went to CP and while we did shop some bit, it was more of conversation. We both needed it. We both were glad to realise we aren't alone in this mess of feelings that we are fighting.

When I look at my students I am struck by the fact that while I am not all that elder to them, I have infact gone through quite a bit since I finished my undergrad. Looking back at my years at DU, I remember feeling almost invincible. As though everything was possible, everything I wanted was within my reach. Even if it wasn't, how bad could it get?

Yet now I feel that the years since I turned 21 have been full of just so many ups and downs, so many unexpected turn of events, the kinds I never did anticipate. The kind I did survive, but also the kind that each left me with a little less faith and a lot more questions than before. I feel jaded at some level; and tired of trying to understand what's happening around me.

I love my job, yet at times I wish I could just leave everything and just be. Not work, not study, not do anything. Even though I know I would crave to get back to teaching within two days, or even less! I love my family, they have been the backbone of my life. And yet I find myself wanting to get away from everyone I know here, from all their opinions, advice, guidance. Even when I know they mean well.

These days I feel like a line from Alanis Morrisette's 'Ironic' - I'm here but I'm really gone. I seem to be doing everything on auto-pilot, but my mind's just on a different plane all together. I can't even clearly identify just what it is that's troubling me. PhD. Marriage. Meeting a guy. Trying my best not to argue with parents about him. Being very patient when grandparents call to ask about the guy.

Just trying to stay sane with all this....

DDLJ...

They're showing DDLJ tonight, on TV. If there's one movie we can all sit down together and watch, more than a decade after it was released, it is this one. (Earlier this year it completed 700+ weeks of running successfully at the Maratha Mandir in Mumbai)
It's the quintessential bollywood movie, it doesn't get any better! SRK & kajol are awesome together. Add to it elements of love, Europe, family values, fights, awesome music....
It's so much fun!! How everyone remembers their favourite scenes/dialogues and says them out aloud a few seconds before they actually come on! Eveyone!
"aisa pehli baar hua hai, satra atthra saalon mein..." :D
"..man, i hate girls!"
"bade bade deshon mein....." :)
"bharosa hai?...khud se zyada"
The "phurrr" vs "aao aao" scene where they feed the pigeons! LOL!!
The sarso ke khet..
'Mehendi laga ke rakhna'..... haaaye! :p

Nice-ness...

blah

So, our diwali was very nice. Lots of food, lots of friends, lots of lamps & candles and all that! We even managed a rangoli. Firecrackers were there too, (not us!), but not as many as in previous years. Which I suppose is a good thing.

Today met up with AB & Ashi for lunch. Poor AB, she's in town for 3 days and is having to meet almost half-a-dozen guys! Lol! It goes without saying that she's just rejecting them, almost on auto-pilot. I guess we've all become numb to some extent. We were talking about how just a year back Ashi & I were so against marriage, while the other two weren't. It's odd, how much we've changed in such a short while. Anyhow...we've known each other for almost a decade..wow..who would have thought we'd all be sitting one day talking about getting married!

These past few weeks I was just focussing on my apps. And in a funny way, it was all good. Smooth. Then today, again, the world had to go mess up my plans. Just when I don't want to get to know a guy, just when I don't want to talk to him, just when I don't want to think of marriage, why must he call me up just then? This is so not done. Just not fair. . I just don't know what to do anymore.

'somehow i just don't believe it'

This week has been one where I have felt, for the first time, that there is a God watching over us. And I mean, right above our heads. I can't recall a time when all our work got done so smoothly. We've sold ma's car for a fortune! (And we never ever manage these things!). The people at JNU (profs & admin) were SO efficient, I couldn't believe my eyes & ears! The day I went there, all the people I needed to meet with were present, available and willing. I so could not believe it. I still don't. Recommendations? Sure. Transcripts? Not a problem. Degree certificate? Certainly!

Even the diwali preparations have gone off without a hitch.

It's like when Soul Asylum sings "...somehow I, just don't believe it."

Diwali Week..

Ok, so the festival of diwali is probably the biggest thing in the hindu calendar. This week has been hectic.

Having learnt from our past mistakes, we did our shopping a week in advance this time. That gave us the opportunity to browse through all kinds of hampers of sweets, chips, juices without being pushed and pulled in opposing directions by a dozen totally random strangers. The news channels are going out of their way with stories of how the sweets this year are posioned with urea and what not. Seriously, you would think we would atleast spare the sweets. So anyway we've stuck to some really nice cakes & juices. Traditionally we visit all our relatives, one by one, in the week leading up to diwali, to wish them & hand these goodies over. That is something like 6 households (or more now that some cousins have gotten married), different parts of the city, insane traffice (since everyone else also is doing the same!) and a working week. Not easy!!! Also when an equal number of family & friends are coming over to our house as well. It's basically loony.

We've also shopped for candles (apparently they are expensive this year cuz some candle factory caught fire - i so don't believe that), and diyas (earthen lamps). The diwali lights are up as well - every year the Chinese seem to find a new string of lights to sell to us!). The house has been cleaned. Flowers will be bought on diwali morning, as will garland of marigolds (gaenda phool?). We are still thinking of a design for this year's rangoli (coloured patterns/designs made at the entrance of homes).

All in all, all's well.

Oh, and pray why has the Nobel Peace prize gone to Obama???

Whatever

I can't believe a few bruises on my foot kept me out of action for almost a week. Should be back on the road tomorrow. Keeping fingers crossed.

I have painstakingly put together a list of univs I want to apply to. Let me just say it wasn't easy. Browsing through endless web-pages, emailing professors and students...not to mention the free advice that everyone in India is always ready with! I really don't understand the lack of emphasis on development econ in most US universities. So anyway my initial list of about 18-20 has come down to 8-10, which I feel is rather reasonable. My next worry is whether or not I'll manage to get the reccos in time! I'm also gearing up to explain my choice of mostly non-heterodox econ schools to my profs at JNU. . And of course the over-riding concern is the possibility of having to relocate to an entirely different country! It's happened twice in the recent past. It could have been Hong Kong. And as of today, it could be Singapore. I'm left speechless at the ease with which people then say, "Oh, don't apply to the States, apply to *** place instead!". All I can do is shrug/throw up my hands in surrender (while I scream internally). Yeah, whatever...

Diwali is coming up. And the weather has cooled down. Atleast something is normal. Diwali has always been marked by a slight chill in the air - not too cold for you to have to wear woollens, but cool enough to signal the transition from summer cottons to winter silks.

By the way, I put in a map widget on the blog sometime back. It's sort of cool to see the red dots on it! I can guess a few, but some I can't. I didn't even know there were strangers reading this.... waah!

I am in pain. And it's turning out to be very difficult to walk. So much for that cutie...!

A cousin of mine is shifting to Singapore this week. Needless to say we are all extremely happy for him. And the entire extended family is now planning for vacations in that part of the world! We went to meet him yesterday and I had to bandage my foot. When I was a kid I used to crave for those gauze and cotton bandages but my parents almost never felt the need for me to have one. RG would always get to flaunt them I remember.Ironic how this time I got a nice big bandage, and for once I didn't want it.

My lambu friend is back in the singles' club after quite a while. I almost don't believe it.

The list of univs for the PhD has been finalised. I feel I should narrow it down further, the applications will bankrupt me!