Thursday, October 29, 2009

'M' for Madness

I've been shuttling between north campus, JNU & home for the past few weeks. That translates into innumerable metro & rickshaw (cycle and auto) rides. Ofcourse Delhi is beautiful at this time of the year, so it's not so bad. I get to cross my favourite part of the city - the Rajpath/India Gate area - in the lovely early-winter sun. It feels nice.

Today after ages met up with M. The woman has offically gone insane. She seems to constantly raise the bar when it comes to outdoing her eccentricities. Someone who has to submit her research synopisis in 3 weeks time and has no clue what she's going to do. Someone who has not bothered to collect her scholarship money. And infact doesn't even remember if she applied to claim it in the first place! Same for the change in her thesis guide - apparently she moved from one Prof to another and now thinks she just thought about it in her 'mind'. Even the two bhaiyyas at the office coulnd't believe her! They looked at her in utter disbelief - "...matlab aapne apply hi nahin kiya?"
LOL!


Sunday, October 25, 2009

Sunday morning ramblings

Have you ever felt that there are times when you can do absolutely nothing but laugh at fate? Or destiny.
If there is one thing I have learnt in this arranged - marriage process, it is this. I have hated it, resisted it, looked down upon it, even loathed it sometimes. Yet today I feel like I've gotten to know how it works. And at the end of almost 10 months of it, I can still proudly hold my head up amidst the sea of supposedly-eligible men and say that I deserve better. I remember thinking how no man could ever be good enough. It was something that I just implicitly assumed, never bothering to delve deeper for concrete reasons. Today though I know why. Maybe that's something this process teaches you? To re-discover a little bit of yourself as you try to discover someone else.

I still recall the first day Ma began making the phonecalls. I was in tears within 5 minutes! I felt terrified of everything. The prospect of having to meet a complete stranger and his family scared me to pieces. I didn't know what I would say to him. I mean, how on earth would I ever have a conversation with a complete stanger? Add to that the anxiety of meeting his parents. It wasn't easy. The first two times I was trembling as I went in to meet them! But it has gotten better along the way. If anything, atleast I know how to keep a conversation going for around 1.5 hrs with someone who I just don't know! But that's not the only development. I've learned not to take offense so easily. I've learned to give people the benefit of the doubt. I've learned that good looks are really not everything. I've also learned that a man's shoes say alot about him!! I've learned how to ask probing questions without seeming too blunt - or to not feel so bad about questions that turn out to be not so subtle. I've also learned how to handle some very personal, and still painful, questions.

The stars seem to have changed their alignment since lately I have met some nice guys. Now I'm learning not to keep those hopes too high up (although deep inside I can't seem to let go of the optimism!). Yet I know I'm now strong enough to survive the disappointment, should it arise.


Thursday, October 22, 2009

'Tumhari Amrita'...

Watched this play called 'tumhari amrita'. Finally. I had gone to watch it many years back, with this friend from college. He got so late that we missed the play! And since then it has been staged in the city innumerable times, but I've never made it. Till today. It Was Awesome. Shabani Azmi & Farooq Sheikh were just excellent. Imagine a stage with two wooden desks and chairs, side by side. Two people. And a pile of letters they exchanged over a period of 35 odd years. Shabana's intonations were superb, for any kind of emotion!
The Osian film fest is also about to begin too. I'm missing the quirky character who has moved to the States.... might just rope M in..

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

In the head of two 25-yr-olds

Spent the day with AB. We went to CP and while we did shop some bit, it was more of conversation. We both needed it. We both were glad to realise we aren't alone in this mess of feelings that we are fighting.
When I look at my students I am struck by the fact that while I am not all that elder to them, I have infact gone through quite a bit since I finished my undergrad. Looking back at my years at DU, I remember feeling almost invincible. As though everything was possible, everything I wanted was within my reach. Even if it wasn't, how bad could it get?
Yet now I feel that the years since I turned 21 have been full of just so many ups and downs, so many unexpected turn of events, the kinds I never did anticipate. The kind I did survive, but also the kind that each left me with a little less faith and a lot more questions than before. I feel jaded at some level; and tired of trying to understand what's happening around me.
I love my job, yet at times I wish I could just leave everything and just be. Not work, not study, not do anything. Even though I know I would crave to get back to teaching within two days, or even less! I love my family, they have been the backbone of my life. And yet I find myself wanting to get away from everyone I know here, from all their opinions, advice, guidance. Even when I know they mean well.
These days I feel like a line from Alanis Morrisette's 'Ironic' - I'm here but I'm really gone. I seem to be doing everything on auto-pilot, but my mind's just on a different plane all together. I can't even clearly identify just what it is that's troubling me. PhD. Marriage. Meeting a guy. Trying my best not to argue with parents about him. Being very patient when grandparents call to ask about the guy.
Just trying to stay sane with all this....

Sunday, October 18, 2009

DDLJ...

They're showing DDLJ tonight, on TV. If there's one movie we can all sit down together and watch, more than a decade after it was released, it is this one. (Earlier this year it completed 700+ weeks of running successfully at the Maratha Mandir in Mumbai)
It's the quintessential bollywood movie, it doesn't get any better! SRK & kajol are awesome together. Add to it elements of love, Europe, family values, fights, awesome music....
It's so much fun!! How everyone remembers their favourite scenes/dialogues and says them out aloud a few seconds before they actually come on! Eveyone!
"aisa pehli baar hua hai, satra atthra saalon mein..." :D
"..man, i hate girls!"
"bade bade deshon mein....." :)
"bharosa hai?...khud se zyada"
The "phurrr" vs "aao aao" scene where they feed the pigeons! LOL!!
The sarso ke khet..
'Mehendi laga ke rakhna'..... haaaye! :p

Nice-ness...

blah

So, our diwali was very nice. Lots of food, lots of friends, lots of lamps & candles and all that! We even managed a rangoli. Firecrackers were there too, (not us!), but not as many as in previous years. Which I suppose is a good thing.

Today met up with AB & Ashi for lunch. Poor AB, she's in town for 3 days and is having to meet almost half-a-dozen guys! Lol! It goes without saying that she's just rejecting them, almost on auto-pilot. I guess we've all become numb to some extent. We were talking about how just a year back Ashi & I were so against marriage, while the other two weren't. It's odd, how much we've changed in such a short while. Anyhow...we've known each other for almost a decade..wow..who would have thought we'd all be sitting one day talking about getting married!

These past few weeks I was just focussing on my apps. And in a funny way, it was all good. Smooth. Then today, again, the world had to go mess up my plans. Just when I don't want to get to know a guy, just when I don't want to talk to him, just when I don't want to think of marriage, why must he call me up just then? This is so not done. Just not fair. . I just don't know what to do anymore.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

'somehow i just don't believe it'

This week has been one where I have felt, for the first time, that there is a God watching over us. And I mean, right above our heads. I can't recall a time when all our work got done so smoothly. We've sold ma's car for a fortune! (And we never ever manage these things!). The people at JNU (profs & admin) were SO efficient, I couldn't believe my eyes & ears! The day I went there, all the people I needed to meet with were present, available and willing. I so could not believe it. I still don't. Recommendations? Sure. Transcripts? Not a problem. Degree certificate? Certainly!
Even the diwali preparations have gone off without a hitch.

It's like when Soul Asylum sings "...somehow I, just don't believe it."

Diwali Week..

Ok, so the festival of diwali is probably the biggest thing in the hindu calendar. This week has been hectic.
Having learnt from our past mistakes, we did our shopping a week in advance this time. That gave us the opportunity to browse through all kinds of hampers of sweets, chips, juices without being pushed and pulled in opposing directions by a dozen totally random strangers. The news channels are going out of their way with stories of how the sweets this year are posioned with urea and what not. Seriously, you would think we would atleast spare the sweets. So anyway we've stuck to some really nice cakes & juices. Traditionally we visit all our relatives, one by one, in the week leading up to diwali, to wish them & hand these goodies over. That is something like 6 households (or more now that some cousins have gotten married), different parts of the city, insane traffice (since everyone else also is doing the same!) and a working week. Not easy!!! Also when an equal number of family & friends are coming over to our house as well. It's basically loony.

We've also shopped for candles (apparently they are expensive this year cuz some candle factory caught fire - i so don't believe that), and diyas (earthen lamps). The diwali lights are up as well - every year the Chinese seem to find a new string of lights to sell to us!). The house has been cleaned. Flowers will be bought on diwali morning, as will garland of marigolds (gaenda phool?). We are still thinking of a design for this year's rangoli (coloured patterns/designs made at the entrance of homes).

All in all, all's well.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Oh, and pray why has the Nobel Peace prize gone to Obama???

Whatever

I can't believe a few bruises on my foot kept me out of action for almost a week. Should be back on the road tomorrow. Keeping fingers crossed.

I have painstakingly put together a list of univs I want to apply to. Let me just say it wasn't easy. Browsing through endless web-pages, emailing professors and students...not to mention the free advice that everyone in India is always ready with! I really don't understand the lack of emphasis on development econ in most US universities. So anyway my initial list of about 18-20 has come down to 8-10, which I feel is rather reasonable. My next worry is whether or not I'll manage to get the reccos in time! I'm also gearing up to explain my choice of mostly non-heterodox econ schools to my profs at JNU. . And of course the over-riding concern is the possibility of having to relocate to an entirely different country! It's happened twice in the recent past. It could have been Hong Kong. And as of today, it could be Singapore. I'm left speechless at the ease with which people then say, "Oh, don't apply to the States, apply to *** place instead!". All I can do is shrug/throw up my hands in surrender (while I scream internally). Yeah, whatever...

Diwali is coming up. And the weather has cooled down. Atleast something is normal. Diwali has always been marked by a slight chill in the air - not too cold for you to have to wear woollens, but cool enough to signal the transition from summer cottons to winter silks.

By the way, I put in a map widget on the blog sometime back. It's sort of cool to see the red dots on it! I can guess a few, but some I can't. I didn't even know there were strangers reading this.... waah!

Sunday, October 4, 2009

I am in pain. And it's turning out to be very difficult to walk. So much for that cutie...!
A cousin of mine is shifting to Singapore this week. Needless to say we are all extremely happy for him. And the entire extended family is now planning for vacations in that part of the world! We went to meet him yesterday and I had to bandage my foot. When I was a kid I used to crave for those gauze and cotton bandages but my parents almost never felt the need for me to have one. RG would always get to flaunt them I remember.Ironic how this time I got a nice big bandage, and for once I didn't want it.

My lambu friend is back in the singles' club after quite a while. I almost don't believe it.

The list of univs for the PhD has been finalised. I feel I should narrow it down further, the applications will bankrupt me!

Friday, October 2, 2009

Jogging and then some...

The Delhi half marathon is coming up in November. It's reflected in the increased number of people coming out in the evenings for brisk walks/jogs. That would include me too.

So there I was, out with my music, lost in several thoughts, when all of a sudden this guy overtook me. Now there's nothing wrong with that, I mean anyone could overtake me. The thing is, and this isn't the first time I've felt it, when the guy in question happens to be smart/attractive/good looking etc, then it's like my feet go on auto-pilot. I just don't get tired! Just the presence of someone that good sharing the road with you is enough to keep you going. I mean, me. Especially if he's running in the direction opposite to you. You keep wanting to reach the point where invariably the two of you have to cross. (Me, i mean!). It's nice though, and you can tell the feeling is mutual ;)

So anyway the down side of that was, on returning home I found out a blood soaked sock and shoe. Apparently the scar (I have a big bad scar on my right foot, from a childhood road accident, and some parts of it are extra prone to injury) had bled. While such a thing has been a fairly common occurrence (the result being I've had to use a whole stock of insoles, ankle supports etc etc over the years), it usually doesn't lead to so much bleeding. So it did leave me a bit shaken today. But well, like ma said, it also shows that the damn thing is 'healthy' (some blood supply issues). Whatever.

Looks like atleast for tomorrow the road might not be mine.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

I watched 'City of God'. I can't believe I hadn't seen it till now. It's really really good!

Met up with P yesterday. I'm guessing we met after a very long time considering she commented on almost everything about me! Lol! (Except for the watch). Apparently I even speak more in english now than hindi ("I know you're a prof but this isn't a lecture!")- again not true!! But well, same old madness, just a different day.

I feel like right now I really want to write about something (that I'm aware of). But I'm just unable to.
So good night for now.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Phew!

This has easily been the longest week in a very long time. Even longer than the previous one and that was a seriously painful week.
I was down with flu. I missed being a 19 year old who could just sleep in, monday to friday, instead of having to get up early, take the auto-metro-rick to college and speak for hours with a very sore throat, a fuzzy feeling in the head and a body that just wants to curl up in a nice warm bed.

The university where I teach has holidays in the first two weeks of october every year. Earlier this time would correspond with the beginning of the festival season in the country. In recent years however the festivals seem to begin a few days before october and go on till a few days after Oct'15th. This results in the holidays stretching on, unofficially.

September is all about navratras, ramzan, durga puja and this year Dussehra too seems to be falling in Sept. Which is why most students have already returned to their home towns. So unofficially yesterday was the last teaching day in this term. And since diwali is on Oct'17th and bhai-dooj a few days after that, the kids won't be returning before Oct'20th. That's practically a month of holidays for them! Ofcourse it's never enough as they were quick enough to remind me that last year the lunar calendar granted them a little more than 4o days of festivities! Needless to say I, for my part, am going to miss them alot, you can't help but grow fond of them.

Yesterday D's boss was on leave. So we had one of those once-in-a-very-long-time relaxed days. Had lunch at the india islamic cultural centre, which has an excellent restaurant, they cook some of the nicest indian food. Then walked down to Eatopia at the habitat centre, where we leisurely munched over some chocolate truffle. And checked out what was going on in terms of plays, movies etc. Just going to IHC can have such a soothing effect on your nerves, what with it's eco-friendly design. I wish I could have a home like that one day.
After that we went to Dilli Haat. That is one place we've never needed a reason to go to. There's always something to do there. Just walk amongst the stalls selling indian handicrafts - looking at some bits of silver jewellery or kurtas or silks or wood carvings or the lovely madhubani painting etc. In recent times it's become rare that we've picked up something, mostly because it's the same old stuff (for us) and slightly because, on the rare occassions that we have infact liked something, the seller has been more busy wooing americans/europeans! We did however stop at every single stall, D made sure of it. When we got tired, it was time for some momos at the Sikkim food stall (there is no better place for momos there). You know the sauce they serve them with, the one that's made up of red chillies and very little of anything else? Well, more or less it is spicy/hot to the same extent. Knowing which, D very confidently put five spoonfuls of it in each of our plates. After the first bite however, all we could say was "what have they put in this thing?!!" It was just so spicy. More hot than any chilli-based sauce or pickle I've ever had. We had tears running down our eyes, and running noses, and even then we couldn't resist it.
Eventually we picked up a whole lot of candles and diyas (lamps) for diwali from about half-a-dozen stalls of an association called 'Arunim' which works towards rehabilitation of mentally challenged people - it is an indirect initiative of the ministry of social justice and empowerment - infact the reason the stalls were so good this time was because this fornight they seem to have been given out to craftsmen identified under the same criteria. D & I usually do our diwali shopping together, looking for the best bargains, and we can confidently say their stuff was the prettiest we have seen in years. Bought some diyas handpainted pink, blue, green with sequins and what not.

It's safe to say that the festive spirit is well in the air. We went and watched 'Ramayan' a few days back at the Shri ram bhartiya kala kendra. It's one of the two main epics of hinduism. Basically Lord Ram did a whole lot of good deeds, and in the end killed the evil Ravana and returned home after 14 yrs of exile. Their 'Ram' wasn't as good as the previous ones we've seen but well the whole experience nevertheless was nice. The choreography, colours, costumes... AND the best part was at the end, at the exit there was this guy selling kiddy bow & arrows, swords and 'gadaa' (I am struggling to recall what it's called in english - is it a club?) - you know, the kinds they make out of cardboard, and then cover with alot of colourful chartpapers/cellophane sheets. And they fill the hollow part of the club with some stones or such-like, so that when you shake it, it makes that sound! I can't remember the last time I saw these things! I recall they used to be so popular when we stayed with my grandfather (before we left for muscat), and every year these sellers would ride on their bicycles through the streets, with these 'toys' mounted on a stand which was somehow fixed on to their bikes. That was easily 15 years back, if not more. RG & I were just so kicked to see them again! We,like the rest of the 5-10 yr olds there, surrounded that fellow and asked/haggled the price! We are now the proud owners of the biggest bow, one dozen paper arrows, and a smaller 'gadaa' :D Aah Fun-ness!

Yesterday there were garba/dandiya celebrations in our neighbourhood. In the garba, you use your hands to clap as you turn and twirl in circular formations which can be made of hundreds of people at a go. In the dandiya, you use wooden sticks instead. There's a vey distinct beat, to which you can only do the garba/dandiya, and nothing else!

It's the end of navratras today. Probably the enitre nation will be eating chana-puri-halwa! It also marks the end of 9 days of "no non-veg"! Ask anyone and they will tell you how much stronger the craving for any kind of non-veg is during the navratras!

Tomorrow is Dusshera. There will be huge effigies of Ravana (the evil demon) constructed everywhere, with 11 heads since he had so many of them, and they will be filled with fircrackers. In the evening, at the auspiciously determined time, all of them will be set to fire, thus marking the victory of good over evil. Diwali comes 20 days after Dussehra, when Lord Rama finally returned home - that's when we light the candles and lamps. More on that in 20 days time.

Monday, September 21, 2009

New somethings...

Everything's in place on the work front, and I like the change.

Something seems to be coming in place on the personal front too. And it's been a long long time coming, judging by what some of the closest friends have had to say about it! Everyone is expressing some element of disbelief - I ofcourse figure on the top of that list.
Nothing to lose and everything to win.... More later.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Daisies, NYC, Godfather, Pride & Prejudice

I don't usually download alot of movies. Simply because 99% of the times some virus or the other hits my computer. But I just had to watch 'You've Got Mail' this weekend. It took 20 hours to download but well it was all good.
It's one movie ma and I thoroughly enjoy. I think if I were to ever visit New York city I would want to see it in the You've Got Mail way. With a bunch of daisies. There was also a time when all I wanted to do with my life was to open a 'shop around the corner'.
Given how upsetting the past few days have been, I did particularly enjoy some of the dialogues more than usual -
Joe - "...On the other hand, I must warn you that when you finally have the pleasure of saying the thing you mean to say at the moment you mean to say it, remorse inevitably follows."

This one though is my absolute favourite - :)
Joe - "It wasn't... personal."
Kathleen - "What is that supposed to mean? I am so sick of that. All that means is that it wasn't personal to you. But it was personal to me. It's *personal* to a lot of people. And what's so wrong with being personal, anyway? ....Whatever else anything is, it ought to begin by being personal."

Kathleen - "...Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, valuable, but small. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don’t really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So goodnight, dear void. "

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Nothing

This past week has been hell. I start work at a new, and better, place from Monday, but I can confidently say that all the excitement and pride I felt about it has just vanished after the past few days which have been very unpleasant for no reason at all. Apparently the place I am leaving is infamous for creating such situations. I just never believed it till now.

I just feel empty right now. I'm exhausted by all the anger and frustration. And I can't seem to get back the initial feeling of jubilation.
I'm reminded of this one song by Dire Straits....

(Baby) I see this world has made you sad
Some people can be bad
The things they do,
the things they say....
... why worry...
these things have always been the same

The only silver lining is that apparently the SRCC kids told the LSR ones that "S*** ma'am is so cool.....we really like her!"...and at the end of the day, I believe that's what really matters.

Friday, September 11, 2009

End of a something

Surprise farewell from my students. Present, flowers, cake...I was overwhelmed!
It's amazing how efficient the student grapevine is. Even before I entered college, it seems the SRCC kids told the LSR ones about my appointment there, so I had to deal with a lot of 'whyyyy them?' issues!
Administration hassled me no end. But today, I fought back. Infact I reasoned, argued, screamed at everyone who tried to tell me my 'right' - which I am very clear about and which they are trying to fudge. I especially hate it when the inefficient admin staff talks to me. Just told them to shut up. I only speak to the HoD and Principal, not irrelevant incompetent idiots. I mean, give me a break. I can't take nonsense from everyone only because they are men and/or older to me. I don't function that way.
So, new beginnings from monday. Past few days have been so exhausting that they've almost taken away the feeling of jubilation that should have been there, but well I have the weekend to get it back.
Aur ab koi mujhse panga le kar dekhe...kutte kahin ke.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Arggghh

There are times when I seriously want to kill someone. Like today. I just refuse to tolerate things anymore. The amount of nonsense I have to put with from the moment I wake up to the moment I sleep - it's a wonder I haven't killed myself already.
I have got an offer to teach at the best undergrad institute in this country for my subject. I have every right to resign from my current institute, according to the terms of the contract. And yet they are not relieving me. I've heard a whole lot of crap about institutional commitment etc - it's surprising they are even saying this to me considering I haven't been paid since July. To add insult to injury they tell me I can teach at 'any other' college from next month - are they blind?! You cannot compare 'the best' to just 'any other'. It's just not done.
Anyway after a day of frantic phonecalls and running around, I have confirmed one thing - No one can stop me from joining the other place.
And please, duniya bhar ki moral obligations mere sir pe nahin hain. Baksh do mujhe. So, it's bound to get unpleasant when I meet the principal tomorrow, but seriously, I just don't care.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Changes

I am super duper proud of myself :D
Just like I was last year when they appointed me at LSR. Moving on to the sister concern now. (Brother concern is more like it!).

Change has been set into motion. Just when I was craving for it.