Aizzush….T.I.A.

‘T.I.A.’ said the man ahead of me in the Ethiopian airlines office. I looked back at him with a questioning look. ‘This Is Africa’ he said. We were waiting for the electricity to come back so the office could make reservations. 40 minutes later the staff booked us all on flights, confirming the reservations with their tele-office staff and handing us payment receipts instead of itineraries. 

This is Africa. Where diverse landscapes range from stone-filled bare lands to lush green forests. Where an incredible 10 hour bus ride took me through mountains, plains, gorges and a river. The road was asphalted for the first five hours and then a dusty bumpy path. Here Tata buses and Bajaj auto-rickshaws rule the roads. I have eaten the staple food - injara, made from teff- and it tastes delicious whether you eat it with cabbage, carrots, lentils or ‘shiro’.  Here people drink ‘ambo’ and ‘mango-avocado’ juice, with a lemon squeezed into it for good measure. I’ve seen how injara is prepared, how coffee beans are first washed and then roasted on a clay oven fired with charcoal. I’ve learned a spattering of Amaharic, the most important being – ‘sega aalbalam’ – I don’t eat meat!  I have worked with translators who work with the Wolatina and Amaharic languages in addition to English. The hospitality of the Ethiopian people knows no barriers – I have been to coffee ceremonies in homes, villages, monasteries, road-side shacks and even a beauty salon! I have been offered so much food at my host family’s house that eventually I had to begin waking up late to avoid breakfast… It is not just my appetite that has been challenged though. I’ve been questioned about the Indian ‘culture’, Hinduism, Bollywood, education system, caste system, food, politics and what not. The conversations about religion, more than anything else, made me realize, for the first time, that my religion is a much more integral part of me than I ever knew or imagined. You have to come here to test your principles of secularism and tolerance. I feel I will leave with a deeper understanding of myself and where I come from.

I’ve seen deep gullies cut through the land. I’ve seen how closely vegetation follows the path of a river or stream. I have seen such a variety of birds! Pink, yellow, blue, white and this one very pretty bird with a yellow head, black body and a long, very long white tail – I have no idea what it is called! I’ve been to a dusty little town (that changed my definition of a ‘town’ forever), a university town, the capital city and a rich green forest. I know now that a ‘false banana’ is a drought-resistant plant critical to people’s food security here in the southern region. I have interacted with men, women, elders, in an effort to evaluate the socioeconomic impacts of cooperatives set up as part of a carbon sequestration program. People’s concerns of access, discrimination and the differences in opinions of men and women took me back to my own work in India. I have been stared at openly as a ‘firanji’ in this country and been followed by hoards of children wherever I have gone – they silently trail behind me, without uttering a sound, but scatter away the moment I turn around to look at them.

Our group of four young women is getting along fabulously, given how diverse our individual personalities are. We’ve talked about families, friends, professors, advisors, being here, having been elsewhere…and boyfriends : ) Our project site has the worst cellular network and absolutely no internet coverage. As a result we spend the evenings standing in strategic corners of the compound, anxiously awaiting phone-calls from parents, siblings and the boyfriend! It’s amazing how one phone call, no matter how long or short, can make the world seem just right (not that there was anything wrong with it to begin with). Out-bound calls from Ethiopia are expensive. But when the wait becomes unbearable there is no hesitation to dial that US number and talk till we run out of credit. Such calls however are more for the boyfriend than family (who have to do with missed calls from us- or me, at least). The odd day when we do go to town, we spend hours at the internet café and download/save emails from the boyfriend onto our laptops – and read them over and over again in an attempt to miss them a little less. We have sat outside our rooms, after dinner, swapping the ‘so how did the two of you meet?’ stories and hopes for the future. It’s strange, in a nice way, how distance can bring people together.

I have done yoga under the trees and jumped a skipping rope to the Lion King soundtrack. I have thought of home many times – both India and Ithaca. I remembered friends, old and new. Ethiopia, with its calm peaceful landscapes stretching into the horizon, has given me the time I needed to reflect upon the kind of person I have become/am becoming/aspire to become. It’s been a nice thoughtful experience, to have that time to myself. 

End-of-Semester musings

The end of every semester feels like pure joy, the kind that no one can take away from you. Done with classes, grading, finals, term papers and presentations. And now for some Ithaca sun, hikes and kayaking (do you know, it snowed on my birthday this year?! Snow! in April! More than we had in all of winter put together! It was insane!). Some weeks with the parents visiting. A few exciting weeks in Ethiopia and then the beginning of my own work in India. The reading, writing, research proposals and funding applications of the past semester suddenly seem so worth it. Yay summer!

Baba...

Life sometimes has a cruel way of reminding you that it really is not just about you. Just one more day of classes, one more homework, one presentation. I had begun to think that this is my life, it's what is supposed to make up my days. For the last few weeks I hardly spoke to my parents. Some of it was just because I was busy, some of it was because I was tired of recounting every other day's happenings, some of it I just can't explain. And then I choked on a piece of sushi. And 12 hours later I got news that my grandfather passed away. It doesn't matter anymore how many homeworks I finish or how many presentations I ace. I will never see him again. I feel a hurt that's borne out of a sense of a permanent loss. I spent the day trying to remember everything I could about him. It's as if I didn't want to lose those memories as well.

So, here's to the man who never ever gave up. The fighter. Who never apologized for who he was. Who instilled a rock solid foundation of values in all his grand-kids through stories, experience and sometimes the occasional reprimand - always be honest, always greet your elders with a 'namaste', never hurt anyone, all because 'it's not just a reflection of who you are, it's a reflection of all of us.' The one who would walk me to the bus-stop to catch the school bus as a child. The one who would make sure my grandma cooked anything and everything we ever wanted to eat. The one who was so so proud of all of us that sometimes it was embarrassing, but he never made an effort to hide it. The one who, by the end had woven bonds of love and affection through five children, a dozen grandchildren and four great-grandchildren. He taught me to be fearless. He would remind me again and again to 'be aware and alert of where you are' because no one else will do it for you. He'd always warn me against male-friends :p He held us to high standards and I don't think we disappointed him. He taught me what unconditional love is.

I heard he went away peacefully. I heard the cremation was a befitting tribute to the man he was. I am left with 27 years of memories all filled with love, respect, affection and happiness. I am left with blessings for a lifetime.

mid-semester reality check

What is it about the middle of every semester? The routine, the monotony, the prelims, the weather, the fatigue... it's as if the enthusiasm and steam with which I start the semester just begins to wear out. This semester though isn't half as bad as the ones that have gone by. Even so I find myself completely dejected and a little bit homesick. I'm getting to read alot for my research which is nice. I don't have any midterms. I don't have tons of homework. Ithaca's winter has been...missing this time, so it can't be the weather. I've finalized a new apartment to move into, my parents are vising in May and I will be off for some very exciting fieldwork in the summer. So then what is it really?!

I feel I have to push myself to do anything at all. Clean the house. Do the laundry. Cook. Gym. All I want to do is stay in bed and watch one movie after another .... seriously...

Well..I guess it's just...the middle of the semester. 'That's all I have to say about that'.

We've just had a week with more people in our house than it can sustain! From CA to NY to the ones already here, everyone descended on our home and filled it with chatter, laughs, games, food (lots of it) and most of all, love. Day after day of teasing one another, getting together at the dining table for meals, snuggling in the bed to watch movies and then setting up mattresses with tons of blankets just so the cousins could sit up long after the parents/aunts/uncles fell asleep to chat or watch utterly weird videos online! The only downside has been a serious overdose of food - there might just be a euphemism in there somewhere! :p

Food cooked by ma. Conversations with pa. The barrage of friends and relatives. Hearing the cries of the children, kabaadi-walahs, car horns, stray dogs float into the house from outside. The intolerable news anchors and crazy parliament debates. India Gate. The crowds. The prices :p

Aah it's quite something to be back :)

I'll be home in less than a week. All that's between that and me is one big ugly macro final. It's crazy how just about everyone is waiting for it to happen. Not studying, just biding our time till it's done with. I want to be home so badly right now. I want to wake up to familiar voices and neighborhood sounds in the morning. In a place where I can eat meals sitting with others at a dining table and where I don't come back to, and sleep in, an empty house. I want to be able to sleep without going over a 'things to do' right before I close my eyes. And I want to wake up 'aaraam se', not rush to get dressed, eat something that resembles breakfast and run to make it in time to campus. I want to laze around in my pyjamas all day long and do nothing......

Ofcourse it's possible I will miss what's here once I'm there. But well, for now, the grass sure seems greener on the other side

back!

I cannot believe it's been this long since I last wrote! The fact that I'm still at the big red should say it all about the Q last summer :D

Annie's gone back home. That was tough. For all of us. We still miss him. All of us. You don't get to know people like that again and again in one lifetime.

My cooking's gotten better. Really :D

I've had an insane semester this fall and it's just winding up. I literally drowned under the weight of econometrics replications and painful macroeconomic homeworks and very many readings on food systems, poverty, nutrition and food policy every week. But I wouldn't have done it any other way. Add to that some very exciting research opportunities and all in all, it's ended well :)

I'll be home in 10 days and I cannot wait. I never thought one year could begin to feel so long. I am looking forward to breakfasts in bed, ma's cooking, family and all the love and pampering that comes with it. The way I look at it, I've earned this trip home. Can't wait!

Whatever

My Q is in three days. Finally the balance seems to be showing itself. The last two weeks have been confusing. Add to that being the only one studying when everyone's enjoying the break, and graduation and everything associated with it. I have to admit though, there is something very sweet about watching others graduate. It's really endearingt, how one graduate is typically surrounded by atleast half a dozen people from his/her family! Thankfully we had a sunny weekend for graduation..... in fact most would agree it was a bit 'too warm'!

Annie has moved off-campus, did I write about that? It's strange not having him right next door. Especially when i run out of groceries! But jokes apart, now that he's away I realize just what a huge support he's been. And I miss him already, even though he's just down two streets from me. I wish he didn't have to go back at the end of summer.

Totoro has been really nice, very understanding especially in these pre-Q days. He keeps telling me to stick with it, to believe I can do it, to not freak out, and to always remember there are others' worse off ('look at the Econ guys, they have a Q for micro AND macro'!). The thing is, all that he says is what someone else might say to me but the fact that he's been through all of this himself just makes it all the more comforting.....

That apart, here's something about my writing. I feel like ever since I've gotten here, I seem to hold back when it comes to posting here. I'm unable to write as freely as I could back home. I don't know why that is. Is it because I often want to vent out my frustration at people who actually I'm the closest to? And so I'm worried they might read it?! Is it because sometimes, I don't want to come across as being too miserable, or weak or even needy maybe? Is it because I may come across as just cribbing about the same thing(s) over n over again?! Or is it that I (and others) will realize how I've changed over this past one year, in many ways (i think) for the worse? That I might actually be sort of ashamed of it?!

Ok, so I know the answer to all these is a yes, to some extent, if not a large one! But so what, right? I mean, this is my space. I should be able to say whatever I want, when I want, how many times I might want to! Then why do I suddenly feel so vulnerable when it comes to writing about some things? I used to think that being able to write without abandon reflected a strength, in some ways, in as much as you are putting yourself out there, sometimes with things that are very personal. But now I find myself shying away.... I guess this is bothering me probably because there is so much on my mind right now and I don't have anyone to talk to. And I can't write it down here either.....

Maybe it's time to un-do some things.....

Turning 27....

Oh, I didn't blog about the birthday now, did I? Well :p Let's see.

I had to call up Ma and remind her that even though she's with her favourite child, she could wish me since it was time :p

M as usual, just gave me a 'missed call'! :D Trust the woman to do that! However it was awesome as always to listen to her blunt sarcastic take on life!

P & C called ...well P texted (I suppose that's better than a missed call!) and C called, all the while reminding me what a favor he was doing to me :p

Spoke to AB, always been the first one to wish me :) And then AA ....and Guppy who called up a day later so I could 'still feel special' :)

Ofcourse, I was scared out of my wits at midnight when the gang here turned up at my house. I was home alone, given the mice-infestation problem we had in out apartment recently. (Yes, when I say some of my roomies are not clean, I mean it.) I didn't expect these guys to do anything really, I mean .... they are guys after all.... so hearing a loud, nonstop banging on my front door brought me shaking to the living room, with (and yes, I know this is ridiculous) a shoe for protection from who I thought were a bunch of goons outside! However it was these sweethearts :p All with a cake, some presents and the usual dose of humor :D They even made me dinner the next day.... which was really sweet of them since everyone had a ton of work that weekend.

But it some small way it was disappointing too. It was probably just me.....

In any case, I'm just glad there's another birthday memory to replace last year's.

I hate doing laundry in this country. I detest it. There's nothing more annoying, and I mean, nothing, than having to lug a whole bag full of clothes to and fro .... what makes it worse is when it's snowing outside/raining outside/cold outside - all of which happen here quite often.

The second worst thing is falling ill. I've just recovered from a terrible flu, and there is nothing more impairing than being brought down by some small but very powerful virus. It's like your whole system just shuts down. Can't cook, can't study, can't step out..... and imagine having to do laundry then!!! That is when you know your life is having one of those rock bottom moments.

Spring!

With just the tiniest bit of reservation (given the utter uncertainty of weather here), I dare say that spring is finally here. And it sure has been worth the wait. The world seems to be awakening after so many cold, grey, snowy months. Trees that were barren and brown for so long now have baby leaves sprouting from their branches. Flowers are blooming as though they just can't wait anymore to spill out of the buds. And oh the cherry blossoms! Ho Plaza is lined with them and there is nothing more 'springy' than an avenue lined with pink, delicate cherry blossom trees. I never tire of being amazed at how different the world looks when the sun shines. The colors are brighter, the wind is warmer, the sky is more blue and in general, everything feels so pleasant and ....right.

We're done with the semester. How time flies. Good times though, inspite of all the tough moments. Another week of finals, and another month for the Q. Wonder what lies ahead of that ...

Spring break. In 'tino. After a crazy flight and car-ride home. Even though it's been pouring here, it still feels like home. And I guess that's what matters. The couches, my cousins, the utterly lovable Neo, and mausi's cooking! Even Guppy's annoying habit of burping out loud :p and his obsession with rap/hip-hop ...it's nice to be back in the midst of it all. Looking forward to this week. Just to unwind and bum around.

Life Just Isn't

Ok, so...I guess when you feel like shit, it's up to you to make yourself feel better? I'm not sure really, but I think that's the way to go.

It's strange how some things always come back to me. Like this one piece I read along time ago. In one of the 'chicken soup' books, of all places! It's stayed with for so many years, and it still makes sense to me. So, here it is ...

Life Just Isn't

Life isn't about keeping score. It's not about how many people call you and it's not about who you've dated, are dating or haven't dated at all. It isn't about who you've kissed, what sport you play, or which guy or girl likes you. It's not about your shoes or your hair or the color of your skin or where you live or got to school. In fact, it's not about grades, money, clothes, or colleges that accept you or not. Life isn't about if you have lots of friends, or if you are alone, and it's not about how accepted or unaccepted you are. Life just isn't about that.

But life is about who you love and who you hurt. It's about how you feel about yourself. It's about trust, happiness, and compassion. It's about sticking up for your friends and replacing inner hate with love. Life is about avoiding jealousy, overcoming ignorance and building confidence. It's about what you say and what you mean. It's about seeing people for who they are and not what they have. Most of all, it is about choosing to use your life to touch someone else's in a way that could never have been achieved otherwise. These choices are what life's about.

Fed up

I've had it with the snow here. Honestly. Just because I have found it pretty and magical at times really doesn't mean I'm ok with seeing it, month after month. I am craving sunshine, like I've never craved for it before.

I have a prelim in half an hour. Econometrics. Enough said :p

My mind though, is just flooded with thoughts of who I have become. I feel like I've become the worst form of myself. And it's not nothing to do with the time of the month. I'm homesick. I miss my Ma. And then when I give her a call, I end up fighting with her. I'm sort of avoiding some of my friends here - I don't even have a reason for that, anymore. I feel like I want to be alone, but then I miss all the bantering, chai/dinner sessions. I wish I could go to the gym more often but I'm just unable to. I'm still not sure if I want to go away for spring break or not - even though I already have my tickets booked.

I just feel like I'm disappointing myself in some way. I know, in which way. And it's like I'm not myself anymore. Or I just don't know myself anymore. Part of me says that the change was inevitable. The other part just says who gives a f*** even if you've changed.....

I don't like myself right now.

:)

Dear world,

I can't believe I'm home on a Friday afternoon and not working! Although it's just been a month since this semester began, it feels like much longer. The good thing about it is though that I can really appreciate one day of no work. Like, I've earned it! It's like there's something in the air that's consciously saying to me - Hey, no work for you today! :) No homework, no grading, no studying, no prelims...just for today :) Only a grad student could appreciate the magnitude of what I'm trying to say right now!

Reminds me of this conversation my roommate had when someone on a bus asked her if she was an undergrad here. She said no, i'm a graduate student. and so this person said to her "oh i'm so sorry... you must have no life at all!" :p

Another time two students in the class I'm TA-ing asked me "...so, is it like, scary, being a PhD student?!" :D When I recounted this to D, she said 'you know, apparently its evident to everyone but us'!!

It's been snowing like crazy since last night. We all woke up to a land bathed in white. And I'm guessing the same thought went through alot of people's minds as they looked outside their windows today morning - f*** what on earth happened to the weather overnight! I trudged back from campus in the snow, and for some reason actually enjoyed it. Isn't it ironic though? That probably on one of the worst days in this city, I found it be ... almost special? Reminded me of when it would rain in Delhi - I do really believe that at least sometimes it rained only for me. I know it sounds presumptuous but honestly, I can't recount the number of times the rain would just soothe my ... spirit....

Oh before anything else, I found a surprise something in my mailbox today! Big thank-you hug to reefknot ! Totally made my day!

Speaking of friends, Div is back from the honeymooning, so we are going to be chatting this weekend :p And if M is free, I'm hoping she'll pick up :D :D

I would write about the ones who make up my world here but for sometime I've been feeling like I want to be left alone.... or maybe I'm just imagining it. Either way let's just say they're all doing good.

Yearning to be home

This semester is turning out to be quite strange. I somehow don't feel half at-home here this time as I did in the last one. It can't be the homesickness and it can't be the still-shopping-for-courses because all of that is set now. It might be because of everything that's lined up for the next few months. I don't know really. But I don't feel like I'm really here....

Today is div's engagement. I should be in Delhi right now. Gearing up for my best friend's big day. The chaos and raunak of a typical Punjabi wedding - the extended family, the food, the flowers and lights and colors and noise ... I just spoke to her. I had to disconnect twice before the call went through because I just started crying. Sitting in my room, thinking of how long we've known each other for, what all we've been through and how, now, she's finally getting married. My sweet, kind, chocoholic friend .... I can only hope that the beast keeps her happy and smiling forever. What wouldn't I give to be there with her right now.

It's these kind of moments that matter in the end right? I mean, I won't even remember all the stupid classes because of which I can't leave from here .... yet I'll always remember that I never left. I feel terrible about it. Mostly because I know if it were my big day, I would want her to be there with me. Throughout.

This just hasn't been my week I guess. And I have no one to talk to.

What on earth is wrong with men? It can't just be the Y chromosome. I mean, that one thing couldn't really make all the difference.... could it? Actually, maybe there is nothing wrong with men. Maybe they're just like that. They probably don't even realize the chaos they cause in somebody else's life!

Ok so maybe this post was prompted at the wrong time of the month. I don't know, but I just want to be left to myself for a while. I don't want to meet anyone, I want to walk on my own. I want to go sit by the lake, and just talk to myself (creepy as that may sound). I wish the sun would shine more often, so I could just turn my face up and soak it all in, and in that moment forget about everything else. I wish M were here, I need some of her blunt, pessimistic philosophy on life .... just thinking about it can make me grin :D

I think I will go pray now. Strange isn't it, how a year back I used to think I could deal with everything that I went through, on my own? I still can, but now every time I wonder where I get the strength from. Which is why I want to go for a walk. The trees, the trails, the sky and hopefully the sun .... that's where I get the strength from.

Grad Speak some more....

Annie - "you know what kapoora is, right?"

Everyone - "no..."

Annie - "it means balls..."

Teevie - "oh great! Next time I go to a bar I'll say to some guy, if you're a real man, show me your kapoora!!"

Adloo - "...poora ka-poora"!!! :D

.............

Sudden strangeness

It's been three days since classes began and for some reason everything just seems alien to me. I don't know if it's the snow, the gloomy sky, the cold or even just a little bit of homesickness (like, very very little). It's unsettling because I still haven't picked all my classes; also because I am anything but excited about the course I am TA-ing for this semester. I seem to get the blues just thinking about it. Add to that the mental process of beginning to think of finding an advisor and then the impending Qs.

In many ways I'm glad to be back. My room, my three musketeers (TV, Annie, Adloo), and this town. What I've completely forgotten is to basically use my arms and legs for any kind of work! I get drained after 3pm and what's worse, I can actually fall asleep at that time if I let myself - and not wake up at night!

I know it'll all fall into place, and I know it's going to be sooner than later, but for now I'm just feeling really out of place.