I am confused. And I think I am contradiction. Really. I don't understand how else could I feel such ambivalence.
So this is about the inevitable M-age. Another meeting is coming up. Thankfully I'll be in mumbai so I'm spared some of that anxiety. And when Ma told me about it, I was all calm and composed...till she said 'it's better you tell me what you're actually feeling than make that face which anyway shows you're upset'! Lol!!
See, I know it will work out in the end. Atleast I believe it will. And I do honestly feel that it can, for two people who otherwise have no clue about each other until then. Plus to the maximum extent possible, I know that it will be checked, re-checked and verified in the most extensive manner possible. And yes, I will have the veto power.
But...still...why do I then feel that it will never happen that way? Everytime someone mentions a match to me, I feel that at the end of the day it will not be taken forward to that final step. Often because I will be the one not thinking it worth its while. And it's not just about the-one-in-the-new-place anymore. It's an inter-family thing after all. And everything will change, in a big big way!!! And well... kaise hoga sab kuch mujhse?! It will be an over-use of the veto, the way I see it. Honestly, even I wouldnt want to over use it so much!
And you know that the worst is? I'm not even sure of what it is I'm looking for in a person! Is it things I (thought I ) saw in the-one-in-the-new-place? Or are there things I'd like different? Was he even the one? And if he wasn't, why am I not entirely convinced about it? Ofcourse there are days when I think I've got him and me all figured out, and that we're (best?) friends etc...but there are an equal number of days when I'm like I dont want to be his best friend!!! I just dont! Best friend बनाना है तो किसी और को बनाओ, मुझे क्यूँ? और मुझे कोई अच्छा लगना था तोह वोह ही क्यूँ, और कोई क्यूँ नहीं ?
I doubt if anyone is even reading this! Not that it matters. It's better than discussing it with people, since after a point, no one can understand unless they go through it themselves (and even then I'm sure people would handle it much better than I am!). मुझसे पागल तोह शायद ही कोई होगा ....उफ्फ्फ ...
P.S There was a SpicMacay program at college yesterday - Pt.Birju Maharaj and Rajan & Sajan Misra. It was very nice but I am not in mood to write about it abhi.
There are certain things that are best left to spontaneity, miss. If you churn your mind too much over things that you want a well thought about and a clear answer for, it is quite obvious that you will not be able to get it.
ReplyDeleteHave you ever beaten an egg for an omelette? Once it is beaten, its hard to distinguish between the yolk and the white, and thats the way it is!!
Well, i understand that I would probably have confused you even more with what I have said, leave away clearing anything.
As you rightly pointed out, "after a point, no one can understand unless they go through it themselves", but again, there are times when you need to discuss it with someone who had not gone through the confusion since he/she may be able to think along a bit more objectively without any biases (maybe).
Thus, to put it to an end, it is best that you take things as they come to you, without worrying about whether it will be taken forward or not. If you reach such a stage where this "taking forward" becomes a problem for you, then you can probably work on a solution for that, but thinking about this problem at the moment is just to create another problem before a solution to the current problem is found even though the hypothetical problem pre-occupying your mind is an after effect of the problem at hand.
Further, if you do not know what you are looking for in a person, it can actually work to your advantage, if you want to make it that way. This is because at the present stage (hopefully) you would be meeting a person without any biases and pre-scripted answers. Thus you may end up bumping into someone who may as well be a fit match for you.
Well, I thought (a long time back) that I was ending this thesis of mine, so let me end it with the "saaransh" of the whole thing...
RELAX, lady. This is your best chance to overcome this trouble. I know, you can always say that "this is easier said than done", but then everything is. All you have to do is to clear this blot in your mind that everything is so messed up before you actually end up messing things for yourself.
Any queries?
Good Luck...and before I forget, it must be mentioned that you express yourself very well indeed!!
Cant match the above comment!! :D
ReplyDeleteLots going on in ur head eh!
all the best figuring out things cause as u said.. noone else buy you can help!
dhanyawaad :)
ReplyDelete