in between

I have a few days before I shift base from my main field site to a secondary one. I've had a little more time to sleep in, and even managed to watch a movie yesterday! For a little while now, our initial field visits are over. It's time to sit and work on the questionnaires. And coordinate other logistical issues like hiring a team of enumerators, preparing their training materials, chalking out a day by day timeline for the survey and so on. 

At the same time the wedding day gets closer and closer. I can't help but be excited :) Evenings are my wedding-planning-time, I'm on the phone with my mum/fiance/mother in law. All in all it's all good. I'm even hoping to be able to go home for a week next month. I do need a break from this place, and I deserve to indulge in some wedding related stuff. Like shopping, picking out invitations, meeting decorators and what not! I have to admit initially I was taken aback by how excited everyone was and how I was the centre of every conversation. I couldn't handle it. But now, it feels so good :D To get that extra attention wherever you go, to be pampered and have every wish fulfilled! Haha! Good times for sure. 

Notes from the field.... see here

A summer that was a dream ....fieldwork doubts

I went back to Ithaca for the summer. And what a summer it was. Saw my love after 6 long months and it was the best welcome back ever! Flowers, balloons, little trinkets.... in between meeting my advisor, running around with paperwork for my research funding and taking my A-exam, I had the dreamiest summer ever. I know, so cheesy, but that's just how it was. Long walks, outdoor movies, outdoor plays, picnics, hikes, brunches, shopping .... just being able to spend time with one another. When it was time for me to leave it was so painful. I cried at the airport! Who would have thought I would ever cry at any airport in the US? As if traveling between the two countries isn't a big enough hassle, now there's an emotional bond at both ends of that trip. 

My plan was to spend two weeks in Delhi doing some wedding shopping for myself. But it's been extended a bit since my funding is still to come through to India from Cornell. And then suddenly I just panicked.  I wrote to my advisor that I can't do this survey and I need an alternative. There's something about advisors. Mine was on vacation but agreed to speak to me on phone the very same day. And just hearing him respond to my concerns - of administration here, funding delays, how big and complicated everything seems, and my utter lack of belief in myself - helped me more than anything else could have. He said I'm not the first PhD student to have felt like this. Which is probably true but this survey has been giving me sleepless nights for weeks now. Sometimes I tell myself I just need to look at it in small bits instead of everything at once. And then I'm fine. But sometimes I'm not. I feel so terrified that I just don't want to think about it at all. It's like I freeze. Then I tell myself that I just need to start the work and then the momentum will build up and things will begin to happen. Other times I just don't want to even start thinking about starting the work! Of course part of it is probably that I don't want to be away from my significant other anymore. The upcoming marriage is also a distraction to be honest. But also that a part of me is just not interested anymore. That does me me feel like I'm giving in/up (to I don't know what) and that if I've begun this then I should finish it (which is what I've always done) - but then I feel I don't need/want to prove anything to anyone by sticking to this program. I'd rather just quit. But then I think what the hell will I do if I quit?! 

Obviously I won't quit. I will stick to it and finish it. Collect the data. And probably keep writing posts like this until it's all done. 

Tired.

I am tired. Of all the work, all the people, all the conversations, being back in this city, the family, everything. I am just tired. I don't want to speak to you. I don't want to hear your opinion about anything. I don't want to go out anywhere. I don't want to have to explain myself or my work or my reactions or thoughts to you. I don't want to be told what to do. I don't want to hear what you think is right for me. I don't want to have to deal with my shortcomings or anyone else's. I just want to be in a place where I can block everything out, just for a little while. And no, I don't want to get there using alcohol, drugs or anything equally worse/absurd. 

I was reading some of the old posts on this blog last night. I realized how different I was back then. Even stupid. And how freely and openly I was able to write things down. I can't do that now. Everything I want to put down here, I think about it over and over again, I re-phrase until I find a way to say what I want to without sounding weak. Or less able. Or stupid, again. 

Someone told me about three years back that Cornell would change me in ways I couldn't even anticipate. Well, they were right. It has changed me. Sure, I know I can take care of myself in a responsible way in a place far far away from home. And manage everything, and all that. But it's also made me more individualistic, less tolerant and more rude. I constantly feel like I am caught in the middle. Between what my life is at Cornell now, and the life I left behind in Delhi. My relationships with friends, cousins, grandparents, parents, they've all changed. I find it hard to be agreeable the whole time. I get irritated when they get affectionate. I snap if they try to 'help' by asking about my work. Or when they do other 'kind' things. Or when they are extra patient or just hover around trying to say something to begin to gauge what's wrong with me. I fume if they ask about when we'll have a wedding date set. I boil from inside when I hear people sharing their plans for my wedding without asking me even once what I think of them! I also get mad at myself for reacting this way. And no, I don't want to talk about it with anyone. I just don't. I can't explain it but that's just the way it is. I wish the whole world would just leave me alone for a bit. I almost wish I was on that 14 hour flight where I can just drown in my fears and apprehensions and then just fall asleep for a bit. I am fed up. 

bleh

Lizards that fall on your head. Bees that go crazy in your room. Flying spiders. Hostels, guest houses, hotels. Movie songs in taxis. Visits to the ATM. Mosquitos. Cotton kurtas. Adhoc laundry. Yellow dal for every meal. Craving for a decent cup of tea. The slowest wifi ever. Sometimes no wifi for days. Intermittent phone service. No one to talk to. Keeping yourself motivated. Exercising. Talking to yourself. 'Liking' Cornell's updates on Facebook, even of a snowstorm. Missing the fiancé like never before. Hearing about the birth of yet another nephew. And the engagement of another cousin. Wanting to dream of your own wedding but having to design survey questionnaires instead.
I'm not downright miserable but fieldwork isn't easy.

I was going to write about thanksgiving break in DC and the end of this semester. But I got to know of two very close friends who lost their fathers today. Very sudden and unexpected. And a third friend who faced a similar loss a few weeks back. It's scary, such news, especially when you're so far away. It can change people's lives in a second. I'm just so upset right now. My heart goes out to them. We've been through years and years of knowing each others' families and some part of me wants to cry. And question what has happened. It tires me that I'll never get a satisfactory answer.

Fall break in the City was good. It surprises me how every time I visit, I find new places to go and see! But even if I didn't, I'd just walk all day long in the streets of new york and never get bored. Well, almost never :) We managed to catch the last bus out of NYC before Sandy hit. The brother had stories of Sandy. In Ithaca however even a hurricane can't hurt you. Imagine the collective disappointment of students here when we got that email saying the university would be open! Haha! Looking back, I am not one bit surprised :p 

Third year here and I am fed up. Honestly. All this while I was thinking it was because of the 8.40 TA class every morning, but it's not just that. It's just the small-town-ishness, it's finally getting to me. Yes, go ahead and laugh. I have been grumpy almost every single day. There's no new place to get coffee, to get food or to go shopping. . I have begun using my yoga as an escape from the university and university-related-people more often than before. I even looked forward to going back to the church here that partly funded my summer fieldwork, just so I could see regular people. Not people from the department or research group or library. So yes, I've been pretty annoyed this semester. I'll probably be spending the Spring in India setting up a survey. That, at the moment, has been a source of un-ending anxiety. . It is going to be so much work, at so many levels, that  thinking about it makes me want to hold my head in my hands and just cry a bit. . So if they do let me take the semester off, I also need to find a sublet for this house. . Pack up again. Find a place to dump everything. . I also don't like my new house that much. I mean, I like it's big and roomy with lots of windows and sunlight (half the year?!) but it's too noisy. Especially on the weekends. Annoying undergrads exchanging their life stories in a state of drunkenness right under my window. . 

Anyway enough cribbing. Diwali was good. I got the annual diwali hamper :) Plue RG was in Delhi so we had a 1.5 hour family skype session (just like every other Indian I know here). I saw the flowers and lights and diyas and heard the crackers going off .... even the latter annoyed me :p   . 

Some nice things have happened though. I went to a beautiful Odissi performance on campus. Happiness also came in the form of Miyazaki's Studio Ghibli thanks to cornell cinema - some re-runs don't get old. That and the fact that we do have a special place for his films :D Thanksgiving break is coming up next week and then a wedding in Chicago the week after that, so....there's still some hope I guess. 

Fall Break

Finally. The much needed break to off set the madness that the middle of the fall semester always brings. This past week it's been cold, it's been raining, the undergrads have been coughing/sneezing/sleeping in class and I've not felt like going for even one class. Infact I have not even felt like getting out of bed. I'm glad this is going to be a long weekend. I'm also glad all the undergrads have left town - guess I've been here long enough to feel happy about that? Four days of being able to have a leisurely breakfast instead of rushing out at 8am. Of being able to read and write about my research instead of setting prelims/assignments or reading about qualitative research methods (very mixed feelings there). Four days of yoga, walks, maybe a movie and more walks. Yesterday I was singing along to pandora while cooking dinner and I realized just how long it has been! Both, since I cooked and even longer since I have sung! Small break but lots of happiness. 

Yet another Fall

Two weeks since I got back to Ithaca. Pretty and charming as ever. Maybe it's the new glasses but I've been walking around as if it's for the first time. Or maybe it's because of the three month I spent away. Or just that it's the first time I've returned in the fall, after the very first time I came. Whatever it is, I like it :) Caught up with all the friends from different circles - we've even had some drama to mark the beginning of the semester. You would think graduate students, so intelligent, would be better able to handle their personal lives. Not so. As far as that aspect of their lives is concerned, they never quite grew up....

Oh third year, where did you creep up from?! Suddenly I am overwhelmed by everything that lies ahead of me. Taking the Qualifier was *nothing* compared to having to design your own survey and figure out the infinite logistics of carrying it out. Add to it an interdisciplinary dissertation topic, and you have me having to read about anemia in addition to agriculture - and complex econometrics to model it all. Sigh. I suppose I am lucky to have one of the nicest advisors ever. Ha, he's more optimistic about it than me for sure. 

New apartment's all set up. Undergrad revelries keep me up every weekend. I miss the quiet of M'wood. But then again, it's nice to have two bars and a pizza & brownie place right next door :p So much for trying to resist temptation. While the gym's back on, what's new is the yoga! It began in Ethiopia, thanks to an American friend. Yes, I know, too many ironies there. Moving on, it is so satisfying to go to class. That too one that's away from the campus and it's usual student-atmosphere. I love my yoga mat! Speaking of changes, I've moved (upgraded?) from a pc to a mac. I'm still not sure how I gave in to it - let's just say it's a long story with a lot of love! The learning curve has been *very* frustrating. Imagine having to google stupid basic things like 'how to create a new folder in mac'?! But well,  I think (or hope) I'm past that, and have quite begun to enjoy it :D 

It's still the last few weeks for hiking, swimming, kayaking, rafting - and we've been at it. Good times. 

Paddy. Rains. Love.

I walked along the bunds (baandh) of one paddy field after another. My feet sank in the moist earth, often slipping and sliding. I felt it begin to rain lightly. My mind was going over the questions I needed to ask women transplanting rice some distance ahead of me. My notebook was in my backpack and there was no way of trying to take it out without falling into the flooded fields. The mud soaked up to my feet from beneath my sandals (?). The initial mucky feeling gave way to a messy but nice feeling, one which was only reinforced as the rest of my clothes were splattered with mud as well. 

About one dozen women in bright colorful sarees were bent forward, their hands transplanting rice saplings (?) with such dexterity it looked almost mechanical. We talked for a bit. And walked on to the next field. 

Today was a good day.

Bas...

As much as I wanted it to rain, and as much as I absolutely Love the monsoons, after a week of gloomy skies, damp chappals and a bag full of pretty dirty clothes, the lack of sunshine is beginning to get to me. Coming down with the flu while in the field is definitely not a good idea. It's much worse than the usual being away from home scene. I feel terrible :( At this point I don't even want to think of another new village, many more interviews and cups of sweetened tea. I just want to go home. Two more days and I'll be done - for a bit, at least.

From the Field

The exploratory phase of my fieldwork is almost done with. It’s good to be in touch with the reality, as it is, for most people in this country, once again. It’s also been tough. I realized I’m no longer 21, filled with excitement and enthusiasm at the thought of hopping from one village to the next every couple of days. I need a clean bathroom and bed to sleep on. Irrespective of where I am. I just do. I don’t need it to be plush and fancy, but it needs to be clean. I’ve slept on a bed, on the ground, on a stinky mattress, with electricity, without electricity, sometimes surrounded by mosquitoes – dead or alive. I drank bottled water, tap water, chlorinated water – even tried out the fancy UV water purifier they gave me for Africa! I’ve prayed every night that my digestive system is able to handle the spices and oil in the food of this region for just one more day! I’ve walked in the sun, heat, humidity and fallen in love, all over again, with the monsoons. The rains also make me nostalgic – about school, college, friends, travels – so I’ve been nostalgic too, these past few weeks. Buses, trains, cars, autos, motorbikes – roads, gravel paths, mud, slush, flat plains, hills – I’ve travelled/walked through it all. And I found kindness everywhere. In the face of every farmer I spoke to, in every cup of tea I drank, in every house that I spent a night as a guest, in every meal they cooked for me. 

Wardha for me was that tiny part of India where the Gandhian philosophy really does live on, even today. Amaravati was where I saw the most ‘shiv sena bhawans’ (!) and watched a bollywood movie in, quite possible, the worst movie theater ever! Yavatmal was rains and the flu. Akola was brief but nice. Chandrapur awaits me. Landless agricultural workers, marginal farmers, large farmers with irrigation, tribal communities, health schemes, food schemes, costs, prices, expenditures, gender specific decision-making, cash crops, food crops, kitchen gardens, livestock, Bt vs. organic, market vs. state, education system – so many conversations and I know it’s just the tip of the iceberg.

Aizzush….T.I.A.

‘T.I.A.’ said the man ahead of me in the Ethiopian airlines office. I looked back at him with a questioning look. ‘This Is Africa’ he said. We were waiting for the electricity to come back so the office could make reservations. 40 minutes later the staff booked us all on flights, confirming the reservations with their tele-office staff and handing us payment receipts instead of itineraries. 

This is Africa. Where diverse landscapes range from stone-filled bare lands to lush green forests. Where an incredible 10 hour bus ride took me through mountains, plains, gorges and a river. The road was asphalted for the first five hours and then a dusty bumpy path. Here Tata buses and Bajaj auto-rickshaws rule the roads. I have eaten the staple food - injara, made from teff- and it tastes delicious whether you eat it with cabbage, carrots, lentils or ‘shiro’.  Here people drink ‘ambo’ and ‘mango-avocado’ juice, with a lemon squeezed into it for good measure. I’ve seen how injara is prepared, how coffee beans are first washed and then roasted on a clay oven fired with charcoal. I’ve learned a spattering of Amaharic, the most important being – ‘sega aalbalam’ – I don’t eat meat!  I have worked with translators who work with the Wolatina and Amaharic languages in addition to English. The hospitality of the Ethiopian people knows no barriers – I have been to coffee ceremonies in homes, villages, monasteries, road-side shacks and even a beauty salon! I have been offered so much food at my host family’s house that eventually I had to begin waking up late to avoid breakfast… It is not just my appetite that has been challenged though. I’ve been questioned about the Indian ‘culture’, Hinduism, Bollywood, education system, caste system, food, politics and what not. The conversations about religion, more than anything else, made me realize, for the first time, that my religion is a much more integral part of me than I ever knew or imagined. You have to come here to test your principles of secularism and tolerance. I feel I will leave with a deeper understanding of myself and where I come from.

I’ve seen deep gullies cut through the land. I’ve seen how closely vegetation follows the path of a river or stream. I have seen such a variety of birds! Pink, yellow, blue, white and this one very pretty bird with a yellow head, black body and a long, very long white tail – I have no idea what it is called! I’ve been to a dusty little town (that changed my definition of a ‘town’ forever), a university town, the capital city and a rich green forest. I know now that a ‘false banana’ is a drought-resistant plant critical to people’s food security here in the southern region. I have interacted with men, women, elders, in an effort to evaluate the socioeconomic impacts of cooperatives set up as part of a carbon sequestration program. People’s concerns of access, discrimination and the differences in opinions of men and women took me back to my own work in India. I have been stared at openly as a ‘firanji’ in this country and been followed by hoards of children wherever I have gone – they silently trail behind me, without uttering a sound, but scatter away the moment I turn around to look at them.

Our group of four young women is getting along fabulously, given how diverse our individual personalities are. We’ve talked about families, friends, professors, advisors, being here, having been elsewhere…and boyfriends : ) Our project site has the worst cellular network and absolutely no internet coverage. As a result we spend the evenings standing in strategic corners of the compound, anxiously awaiting phone-calls from parents, siblings and the boyfriend! It’s amazing how one phone call, no matter how long or short, can make the world seem just right (not that there was anything wrong with it to begin with). Out-bound calls from Ethiopia are expensive. But when the wait becomes unbearable there is no hesitation to dial that US number and talk till we run out of credit. Such calls however are more for the boyfriend than family (who have to do with missed calls from us- or me, at least). The odd day when we do go to town, we spend hours at the internet café and download/save emails from the boyfriend onto our laptops – and read them over and over again in an attempt to miss them a little less. We have sat outside our rooms, after dinner, swapping the ‘so how did the two of you meet?’ stories and hopes for the future. It’s strange, in a nice way, how distance can bring people together.

I have done yoga under the trees and jumped a skipping rope to the Lion King soundtrack. I have thought of home many times – both India and Ithaca. I remembered friends, old and new. Ethiopia, with its calm peaceful landscapes stretching into the horizon, has given me the time I needed to reflect upon the kind of person I have become/am becoming/aspire to become. It’s been a nice thoughtful experience, to have that time to myself. 

End-of-Semester musings

The end of every semester feels like pure joy, the kind that no one can take away from you. Done with classes, grading, finals, term papers and presentations. And now for some Ithaca sun, hikes and kayaking (do you know, it snowed on my birthday this year?! Snow! in April! More than we had in all of winter put together! It was insane!). Some weeks with the parents visiting. A few exciting weeks in Ethiopia and then the beginning of my own work in India. The reading, writing, research proposals and funding applications of the past semester suddenly seem so worth it. Yay summer!

Baba...

Life sometimes has a cruel way of reminding you that it really is not just about you. Just one more day of classes, one more homework, one presentation. I had begun to think that this is my life, it's what is supposed to make up my days. For the last few weeks I hardly spoke to my parents. Some of it was just because I was busy, some of it was because I was tired of recounting every other day's happenings, some of it I just can't explain. And then I choked on a piece of sushi. And 12 hours later I got news that my grandfather passed away. It doesn't matter anymore how many homeworks I finish or how many presentations I ace. I will never see him again. I feel a hurt that's borne out of a sense of a permanent loss. I spent the day trying to remember everything I could about him. It's as if I didn't want to lose those memories as well.

So, here's to the man who never ever gave up. The fighter. Who never apologized for who he was. Who instilled a rock solid foundation of values in all his grand-kids through stories, experience and sometimes the occasional reprimand - always be honest, always greet your elders with a 'namaste', never hurt anyone, all because 'it's not just a reflection of who you are, it's a reflection of all of us.' The one who would walk me to the bus-stop to catch the school bus as a child. The one who would make sure my grandma cooked anything and everything we ever wanted to eat. The one who was so so proud of all of us that sometimes it was embarrassing, but he never made an effort to hide it. The one who, by the end had woven bonds of love and affection through five children, a dozen grandchildren and four great-grandchildren. He taught me to be fearless. He would remind me again and again to 'be aware and alert of where you are' because no one else will do it for you. He'd always warn me against male-friends :p He held us to high standards and I don't think we disappointed him. He taught me what unconditional love is.

I heard he went away peacefully. I heard the cremation was a befitting tribute to the man he was. I am left with 27 years of memories all filled with love, respect, affection and happiness. I am left with blessings for a lifetime.

mid-semester reality check

What is it about the middle of every semester? The routine, the monotony, the prelims, the weather, the fatigue... it's as if the enthusiasm and steam with which I start the semester just begins to wear out. This semester though isn't half as bad as the ones that have gone by. Even so I find myself completely dejected and a little bit homesick. I'm getting to read alot for my research which is nice. I don't have any midterms. I don't have tons of homework. Ithaca's winter has been...missing this time, so it can't be the weather. I've finalized a new apartment to move into, my parents are vising in May and I will be off for some very exciting fieldwork in the summer. So then what is it really?!

I feel I have to push myself to do anything at all. Clean the house. Do the laundry. Cook. Gym. All I want to do is stay in bed and watch one movie after another .... seriously...

Well..I guess it's just...the middle of the semester. 'That's all I have to say about that'.

We've just had a week with more people in our house than it can sustain! From CA to NY to the ones already here, everyone descended on our home and filled it with chatter, laughs, games, food (lots of it) and most of all, love. Day after day of teasing one another, getting together at the dining table for meals, snuggling in the bed to watch movies and then setting up mattresses with tons of blankets just so the cousins could sit up long after the parents/aunts/uncles fell asleep to chat or watch utterly weird videos online! The only downside has been a serious overdose of food - there might just be a euphemism in there somewhere! :p

Food cooked by ma. Conversations with pa. The barrage of friends and relatives. Hearing the cries of the children, kabaadi-walahs, car horns, stray dogs float into the house from outside. The intolerable news anchors and crazy parliament debates. India Gate. The crowds. The prices :p

Aah it's quite something to be back :)

I'll be home in less than a week. All that's between that and me is one big ugly macro final. It's crazy how just about everyone is waiting for it to happen. Not studying, just biding our time till it's done with. I want to be home so badly right now. I want to wake up to familiar voices and neighborhood sounds in the morning. In a place where I can eat meals sitting with others at a dining table and where I don't come back to, and sleep in, an empty house. I want to be able to sleep without going over a 'things to do' right before I close my eyes. And I want to wake up 'aaraam se', not rush to get dressed, eat something that resembles breakfast and run to make it in time to campus. I want to laze around in my pyjamas all day long and do nothing......

Ofcourse it's possible I will miss what's here once I'm there. But well, for now, the grass sure seems greener on the other side

back!

I cannot believe it's been this long since I last wrote! The fact that I'm still at the big red should say it all about the Q last summer :D

Annie's gone back home. That was tough. For all of us. We still miss him. All of us. You don't get to know people like that again and again in one lifetime.

My cooking's gotten better. Really :D

I've had an insane semester this fall and it's just winding up. I literally drowned under the weight of econometrics replications and painful macroeconomic homeworks and very many readings on food systems, poverty, nutrition and food policy every week. But I wouldn't have done it any other way. Add to that some very exciting research opportunities and all in all, it's ended well :)

I'll be home in 10 days and I cannot wait. I never thought one year could begin to feel so long. I am looking forward to breakfasts in bed, ma's cooking, family and all the love and pampering that comes with it. The way I look at it, I've earned this trip home. Can't wait!