Tired.

I am tired. Of all the work, all the people, all the conversations, being back in this city, the family, everything. I am just tired. I don't want to speak to you. I don't want to hear your opinion about anything. I don't want to go out anywhere. I don't want to have to explain myself or my work or my reactions or thoughts to you. I don't want to be told what to do. I don't want to hear what you think is right for me. I don't want to have to deal with my shortcomings or anyone else's. I just want to be in a place where I can block everything out, just for a little while. And no, I don't want to get there using alcohol, drugs or anything equally worse/absurd. 

I was reading some of the old posts on this blog last night. I realized how different I was back then. Even stupid. And how freely and openly I was able to write things down. I can't do that now. Everything I want to put down here, I think about it over and over again, I re-phrase until I find a way to say what I want to without sounding weak. Or less able. Or stupid, again. 

Someone told me about three years back that Cornell would change me in ways I couldn't even anticipate. Well, they were right. It has changed me. Sure, I know I can take care of myself in a responsible way in a place far far away from home. And manage everything, and all that. But it's also made me more individualistic, less tolerant and more rude. I constantly feel like I am caught in the middle. Between what my life is at Cornell now, and the life I left behind in Delhi. My relationships with friends, cousins, grandparents, parents, they've all changed. I find it hard to be agreeable the whole time. I get irritated when they get affectionate. I snap if they try to 'help' by asking about my work. Or when they do other 'kind' things. Or when they are extra patient or just hover around trying to say something to begin to gauge what's wrong with me. I fume if they ask about when we'll have a wedding date set. I boil from inside when I hear people sharing their plans for my wedding without asking me even once what I think of them! I also get mad at myself for reacting this way. And no, I don't want to talk about it with anyone. I just don't. I can't explain it but that's just the way it is. I wish the whole world would just leave me alone for a bit. I almost wish I was on that 14 hour flight where I can just drown in my fears and apprehensions and then just fall asleep for a bit. I am fed up.